I almost forgot to finish up and write about the weird friend space thing.
I realise I'm a tad sensitive at the moment so you tell me if I'm over-reacting.
Most people in my circle of friends are working mothers. Working, not from home, or extremely flexi-time but proper, in an office, 8 - 5 kind of work.
What that means is that unless you work near each other and have the luxury of a mid-week lunch, if you're going to get together, it'll either be at night once kids are down/ other parent is babysitting, or on a weekend.
Right?
With my situation, I can see people in town M - T or on a Friday at the head office, otherwise some evenings (if arranged well in advance) or weekends.
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I've tried to make Sat plans with a certain friend, even offering for all of us to come WITH food to their place if it will make it easier.
That wasn't met with much... enthusiasm.
A couple of invites to "neutral-venue" events like birthdays and there was a suggestion from her to meet her during the work day for tea at her house because Saturdays are family time.
To be honest, I was cross at first because this is not a new friend and she knows I work.
Saturdays are also family time for me but now and again, we're happy to do friend time with kids playing.
When I calmed down a bit, I realised this might be a gentle "blowing me off" tactic. I also realised that I'm actually more hurt than angry because I thought we meant more to each other. I suppose I take these things to heart because I invest heavily into my friendships (connection!) and I'd like others to reciprocate too.
At some point, because I really don't have much mental energy for additional emotions, I need to be brave and have a conversation.
What do you think is really going on over here?
Do you other working moms ever have the same problem? Parties are another story! Do people intentionally have these weekday parties to cut us out?
I think you are over sensitive. I know I sound like an awful person when I say that working with people on a constant and emotional level leaves me emotionally so drained by a Friday afternoon that sometimes the idea of seeing any of our dearly loved friends during the weekend makes me shudder. I just want quiet and alone time to emotionally fill up again. I hope you get what I mean. I would hate it if my friends took this as blowing them off, when all I need is me time to recharge.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you are being over sensitive. I am a stay at home mom and I would never ask a working friend to come over for tea on a workday (unless I knew they had off or something). I also wouldn't make a birthday party on a weekday. I might have a special play date with other kids who are available during the week, but I would have a "formal" party on a day that I knew most people could make it. I'm not sure if your friend is trying to brush you off or not (that might be a big assumption), but I do know it is tough to coordinate meeting up when you have two family schedules to deal with. If she is a good friend, I'd bring it up in a non-threatening way and see what she says. If not, I'd just let it go and try not to let it hurt your feelings... tough, I know!
ReplyDeleteI think suggesting a tea date at her house (unless she lives 5 min from your office) is a little insensitive. I wouldn't do that. I have a few working friends and when I don't have Jack then I pop into their offices for coffee or meet them for lunch where it is convenient for them. Or we plan for weekends. If she stays at home then doesn't she have family time during the day?
ReplyDeleteAnyway!
I think the best thing is to talk to her. Maybe there is something going on in her life that she is finding hard to deal with and doesn't want to share just yet so is shutting herself off? I have a friend who does this. She retreats, deals and then comes out again.
I do hear what Lynette is saying BUT if it happens over a long period of time then it could be a little bit more.
Some people are just like that...
ReplyDeleteI have a dear friend, who lives probably 10 minutes from my house. She hasn't worked a day in her life, and she has no children - only a husband, who has been nothing but nice every time I've seen him. If I see her maybe twice a year it's a lot! I can't go see her during the day, because obviously I work in town. She won't make any after work plans, because she wants to be home with hubby - Hendrik moet sy kos teen 18:00 kry, sien? ;-) On occasion we have made weekend plans, but she always gets mysteriously sick just before the event is actually supposed to happen.
Yet, she phones me often and we have lovely chats on the phone - and I never get a funny vibe from her.
But if I actually want to lay eyes on her I have to drive to her house and surprise her. She's a bit of a hermit.
Not saying your friend is one too, but I guess her priorities are just not the same as yours?
Difficult to say. I think something's going on with her. I would ask her what was really going on. I also hear what Lynette is saying and I can relate but I deal with that particular issue by setting clear boundaries eg...no friend dates on a Sunday because that's my family time or whatever. I am usually very clear about what does/doesn't work for me and my friends are the same. I'm not allowed to visit Elton on a Monday evening because he's recovering from his Monday. Can you believe it? I humour him because he's clear about his boundaries and I do get where he's coming from.
ReplyDeletePersonally I would just speak to her about it. Tell her how hurt you're feeling and that you believe your connection with her is stronger than her actions are reflecting and ask her if everything is ok. I prefer to bring it all up and know where I stand once and for all. You're not seeing her anyway and if she pulls back it's not like you're losing anything?
ReplyDeletexxx