Look! I made a little button because I decided I need to start a mini-movement where we're all talking about friendship :) No pressure!
Seriously, if you feel led to ponder something "friendship", could you try and do it on a Friday? (ha!)
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Letting go is a subject I'm fascinated by.
I'll confess right upfront - I don't let go of anything quickly, people-wise.
There's a good part to this and a bad part.
The good part is that I'll try and try and (keep trying) with people because I don't give up.
A lot of people appreciate this.
And then still others depend on it and rely on me to do all the striving.
That's the part that sucks.
But then there's the other side of the coin.
The bad part is I sometimes don't know when to let go.
Also, even if I were to let go, my personality is such that I prefer the "proper" closure of a break-up to that annoying drifting apart/ avoidance thing we tend to do these days (I really MUST tell you about friend break-ups soon!).
I quite admire the ballsy-ness (sp?) of people who blatantly go through their Facebook friends and delete, delete, delete. I could never do it but I admire it in a way.
Because there's clarity about it and that's very freeing.
But even though I prefer for proper break-ups, in reality, I also find myself letting go very gently.
I think it's one of the "developing areas" of my ESTJ-ness but also I'm a lot more tolerant and see more things in shades of grey.
After all, you never know.
The person could be ignoring you for a million reasons - busy times at work, home, sick kids, husband, sick themselves, etc.
So I'm more tolerant.
But I often wonder - where is the balance?
I'd say on the scale of letting go with 1 being I hate letting go and 10 being I let go so easily I almost don't even attach to people, I'd say I'm a 4 or 5.
How about you?
And what's your preferred letting go style? Clear breaking up or a gentle drifting away?
We are exactly the opposite, Marcia! I'm INFP :)
ReplyDeleteWhen a friend contacts me, I struggle with the whole: "Okay---to get back to them, since it's been while, I OWE them this really long detailed email/phone call, and I just don't have the time/energy for that right now."
Then more times goes by, and I STILL haven't gotten back with them, so I feel bad about it, and am even less likely to contact them again.
Like I said---I struggle, so I do fight against it, and at least let them know I got their voicemail/email/fb message or whatever. I fight to put an expectation on them or myself that I have to spend a lot of time pouring back into the relationship, and just do what I can/have the energy for.
Other friends, I've had at different seasons of my life---some of those, from my single days, have drifted away. As I think about it---we both drifted, and I don't think it was malicious or intentional really, it's just having less in common, not taking the time to nurture that relationshp.
Some friends, I know we can pick back up when we do connect, and it will be like old times, and others----well----sometimes people just come into our lives for a season, I believe. I used to feel a lot of guilt about those friends that drift away, but ya know---it's okay. Sometimes that's just the way it is.
It's funny you brought up personality types. I think part of my whole hesitation with getting back to people sometimes is that my girls get my attention all morning, (though I do try to get up before they do for some alone time) so the last thing I want to do is talk to someone and engage in another relationship. This mama needs a break!! I find that playdates work well for me, because it's time with both the girls and a friend. :)
Okay---I'll stop talking. Sheesh! I could have written my own blog post about this, I guess ;)
I am very tolerant too but once I make my mind up that a friendship is "over" I end it much like I rip off a bandaid...painful but fast.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had to do that for years becuase I have surrounded myself with positive, loving people and while we don't always stay in touch on a daily basis, in fact we could not talk for months, but once we get "together" it's like no time has passed...that's a sign (in my mind) of a true, lasting friendship.
I am totally one of those delete, delete people on facebook or at least I use to be when I had a personal account...I only have my NJAMT account now...why are we not friends BTW ????? Hmmmm....anywho, ya if I hadn't
facebooked you or you I" in a couple months DELETE...it's likely they wanted to delete me too but thought they'd hurt my feelings...LOL!
Great Friday Chat Marcia!
I have no trouble letting go. Probably because I don't let myself get attached in the first place.
ReplyDeleteJulia, some of my favourite people in the world are INFP. The other Julia who reads my blog is also an INFP :)
ReplyDeleteI get the not wanting to talk - that's me too. I need to write about it but I prefer proper blocks of friend time rather than little bits daily which is too much for me.
Ginger, I liked you on FB and of course, I like you a whole lot more for real :) HAHAHA But yes, I flinch thinking of ripping off the bandaid!
Niobe, I love how you have no trouble letting go.
Hmmm, I'm an ESFJ :)
ReplyDeleteIt all depends on the situation. If i really cannot see a way forward, I will let go.
If I really truly believe it is worth fighting for, I will.
Well, for me, it really depends on the person and how much their friendship means to me. Some friends I've let go of easily just because they were meant to come into my life for a season, for one reason or another. Other friends I've had a very hard time letting go of because I value their friendship so much that I wish it could last forever.
ReplyDeleteI did recently delete someone from my friends list on FB without a discussion or an explanation. I was hurt by something she did and realized that she was more of a friend of a friend...an aquaintance really. So I deleted her, not thinking too much about it. But apparently she noticed and had no clue why I did it. I just don't have the mental energy to deal with it. Normally, I'm not that way. I usually like to have closure or a clear understanding of things.
I guess I dread the drama that's inevitable in a situation like this.
I don't easily let go and I find it exceptionally painful though I have to say that I am finding it much easier to do as I get older. I like a clear break (for closure) and I also like a gentle break-away. It really depends on the friendship and who it is that I'm dealing with.
ReplyDeleteOn the letting go scale, I'd say I'm a 5.
Oh, and I could never delete those people on FB. I'd rather just hide them.
If it's someone I really care about, I think I owe it to them and to me to discuss matters. Once I've done that, I think I'm OK with a drifting apart...it doesn't have to be a decided "letting go"...and who knows what might happen down the road.
ReplyDeleteI have been ignoring your friendship posts - each time I read them I want to blog about it but I cant.
ReplyDeleteIts a sore point for me - I am a crap friend and let go too easily when I feel wronged.
Its never been an issue really until I met D - he is an insanely loyal friend - doesnt matter what they do or dont do - he remains their mate. So he battles to understand why I dont have a large circle of friends and why I can let go so easily!
I will ponder some more and then write it!
Mmm...I don't think I have to be in constant contact with someone to be friends with them, so I guess the drifting thing works okay for me. When we meet up again it's either like there was no time away in between (what I consider a true friend) or you realise you actually don't have anything in common anymore and there's a reason for the time in between (you win some, you lose some).
ReplyDeleteI don't lose sleep over it any which way. People are constantly growing closer or further apart...that's just life. You will find that whatever kind of friend you need (or need to be) the people who suit that will be in your life at that particular point in time.
That's what I believe anyway...and I haven't been proven wrong yet. ;-)
As I said on Julia's blog...we have a handful of very good friends that we spend time with only now and then. We have found that we invest our time in our children and grandchildren. We enjoy their company and they do ours.
ReplyDelete