I have a number of friends who are not on Facebook.
One of these friends is a really good friend and I've asked her before why on earth not? Was it a conscious decision (these are my best - I love to hear the thinking behind it)? Did something annoy her? Did something happen? What???
She told me she's tried THREE times to be on Facebook.
What on earth does that mean? How do you try to be on Facebook? Surely you either are or you aren't.
Apparently this is what happened.
She signed up, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and then started seeing other friends talking about things they were doing together.
Her friends would visit Jhb and see other friends but not her.
And she got hurt and jealous.
So she closed her account.
She then thought she was over all the nonsense, signed up again and the same feelings surfaced so she closed the account again.
And yes, you guessed it, it happened again.
That's how you try three times to do Facebook.
She said to me that she realised she doesn't like feeling left out and so while the meetings are obviously still happening now, at least she doesn't know about them and they don't hurt her so much.
When her friends all get together without her, she feels like they're rejecting her.
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My own facebook story is a little different. I joined way back when I had very few friends (real life friends) and it was mainly to let people get to know me a bit more for my business.
This was good because I think I have good Facebook habits :)
I even teach how to not let FB be a time suck in my business products. Anyway.
I go on for a purpose and spend my required time (15 minutes or so) reading some of the statuses, commenting, replying to messages, "liking", etc.
Quick and efficient, that's my motto.
BUT occasionally, like on a Friday night when I have a bit more leeway, I sometimes wander around a bit and that's when I also experience what my friend does.
You see everyone commenting left, right and centre (do you say that?), all loving one another through their words and I'll admit - I do often feel rejected. But thankfully, this maybe only happens for a few minutes about twice a month because I click out so I don't have to get mired in all of those negative feelings.
By the way, I'm not as disciplined with blogs and so I feel much more rejected when I read other people's blog comments.
AHA moment - stop reading other people's comments!
Over to you.
Do you ever feel rejected on Facebook? Or on the blogs?
PS click on the Friendship Friday label below this post to read the other posts in this series.
I truly understand your friends feelings about Facebook. I feel that way, but unfortunately not with friends, but with family, it sucks, it was better when I didn't see it, but my curious nature just does not allow for me not to look. So ja, I look and am teaching myself to not get lost in the feelings.
ReplyDeleteI love commenting and talking, which is very unlike me in real life, I'm actually a very quiet person. The past few weeks/months has just been a bit hectic and also battling with silly internet connections, which either leaves a comment or don't. It's maar one of those things.
I do have Facebook on my Blackberry though, which I'm trying to contemplate if it is a good or bad thing, because of the amount of time I spend on FB then...
I've actually been wondering if I say too much out there...that is something that's been bugging me for a while...but I don't tell the world about any serious personal stuff going on in my life, there is a line that I draw to everything I say in the technology world ;)
I think you need to see FB for what it is. It is an easy tool to keep intouch with others. Don't read too much into other's status/likes/dislikes/comments etc.
ReplyDeleteI reckon that if your friend was feeling rejected, there was probably a little more to it than just FB.
I don't think that FB is something to be taken seriously! SeRiously!
No, I don't feel rejected on FB and if somebody was annoying me then I just simply block them. There are only a few people I actually regularly connect with on Facebook.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with FB, Twitter and even blogs is that the written word can often be misinterpreted because you can't see others facial expressions or hear the tone in what they're saying. I don't take either FB or Twitter too seriously precisely for that reason and of course because my "real" friends are not the ones in the computer. They're the ones who pick up the phone to phone me when I make a status update etc. They don't just click the like button or leave a quick comment, they take the time to find the real story and those are the people dearest to me.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't bug me at all. Imagine if you had to include every single friend you had in any event or conversation you had. No one would see each other ir talk at all because it would just becone too daunting!
ReplyDeleteI think what Shayne said. If FB were a collection of all the people in your every day life then sure but I have friends I last say at school 15 years ago - yes they live in my city and yes the get together with other school friends they kept in touch with - it doesnt bug me at all.
ReplyDeleteI have friends who I have never met - like my blog friends.
Then I have friends who I see often and every now and then they do get together but I never feel left out or anything like that. When I want to see them I set up time. When they want to see me they do the same.
To be fair to both my friend and my comments, obviously it's not every arbitrary person on FB you care about getting together with. It's the ones who you are close to that you may feel challenged by.
ReplyDeleteI don't take FB seriously. In fact I have to be really bored to actually go on there. It is usually a time waster while sitting in waiting rooms;-)
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel left out on Facebook, when I check my notifications and all I have are game requests for games the only reason I haven't blocked them is because I used to play them, and the people still playing need neighbors, so I'm being neighbors.
ReplyDeleteBut then I remind myself that I don't often post, or comment or like other people's stuff. I'm really quite shy online (contrary to the fact that I am not in real life). I don't think I have made more than twenty comments on blogs.
So, when I see myself getting ignored, whether on Facebook or in my blog comments, I realize that it's partly my fault. I have a small circle of people I interact with ... mostly family. I am trying to become more outgoing - as you see here I'm actually making a comment! - but I'm always so scared I say the wrong thing.
I do sometimes wish that more people would like my Facebook Fan pages, especially my author page. I don't mind so much my yarn business, as I'm trying to keep that local, and if only people who are local like it, that's fine with me.
I do. On FB it would only be by those who I care about getting together with.
ReplyDeleteOccasionally I do feel rejected on the blogs as well and I often have to remind myself why I blog. That's actually a post right there. Maybe next week.
I am amazed someone was genuinely hurt by FB. Granted, I've picked my fair share of fights with my sister over FB but I just don't see FB as a real friendship tool. I liken it to open email, it works two ways. If two of my friends went out together I wouldn't take offense, it was their date. Now I wonder if people are offended that my husband takes me out to dinner!!
ReplyDeleteI don't feel rejected, but I also don't go into either blogging or fb with expectations of elaborate, lasting friendships. I will say that I did feel rejected when I had real life plans broken and saw that the person went without me. That was a real life plan though, and I probably would have found out anyhow.
Lastly, FB is a huge time suck. I always get caught up in other people's pictures!
ps...I wrote up a post but am not liking it anymore. Going to give this week a miss. OK? Am off to bed. So very tired. x
ReplyDeleteI've noticed that I've had a few people have un-friended me on fb. For some reason that bothers me. Likewise when someone stops following me on my blog. I can't explain it----I guess at my root, I fear rejection, and that, to me, is rejection. And it stings. I think what bothers me the most is that I don't get a "why". Ya know. Drop me an email or comment letting me know that you don't like what I write, or whatever, I don't know. I guess I don't do un-friend/unfollow, because I realize how hurtful that could be (there's always the option to hide people both with fb and blogs---that's the route I go if I find someone to not be my cup of tea).
ReplyDeleteAlso---my husband's sister comes to St. Louis (we live in the suburbs 20 minutes away), she updates her status mentioning all the things she's doing in St. Louis, but doesn't call or come to visit us. I think it's weird. They don't have a close relationship, but I still think it's weird. I'm a bit more sensitive to others, I guess, but if those were my plans, I don't think I'd put it on fb if I knew my family, 20 minutes away, would be reading it those status updates, and I had no intention of making the effort to visit.
Hmmm...I guess my group of "get together" friends is pretty small. A big part of that is that I don't live in my hometown / state, where the majority of my FB friends are. And - even before the girls were born - I think I definitely fell into the "married" camp, if that makes sense. I used to travel / work so much, all I really wanted to do, most weekends, was hang out with my hubby. And, all of my friends - at least at the time - were "work" friends.
ReplyDeleteI will say that I try to be careful when I post something on FB. I didn't post pictures from the girls' birthday party, for example, because I didn't invite all my mommy friends. I got together with just a couple of them last night, and I didn't rush home to "shout out" to them on FB. I just don't need that added stress, hoping I'm not offending anyone. [I know that's not what you're talking about, *you* offending folks, but I wish more people would exercise a bit of caring when they post things. I think it's evidence of this digital age, and how it often seems to de-sensitize us to common courtesies.]
As for blog comments, I don't read them the majority of the time. I will if it's a topic I'm really interested in, or if it's a blog friend and we have many common friends (I usually read your comments on our mutual friends' blogs, for example). Otherwise I'm doing really well to keep [sorta-kinda!] up with blog posts and leaving comments myself! ;)
FB!!! Things on it don't faze me a bit! I used to be addicted way back in 05 to 07 (I feel old) now I get notification from FB saying we've noticed you haven't been back in a while - that must tell you something, I go to FB a grand total of once every few weeks or months (I have it on my phone but it is always off). I use it as a tool to connect with long lost friends and once we connect things happen outside of FB!
ReplyDeleteBTW I say left right and centre and sometimes right left and centre (never sure which is the correct one but I use it interchangeably) ;-)
ReplyDeletegah! this is one of the reasons that fb totally annoys me. i do get a little jealous when people are out and about without me. i KNOW it's silly. i just can't help it!!!
ReplyDeleteI often find I feel more rejected by things that happen with my blog moreso than FB (maybe because I put more of my heart into my blog??).
ReplyDeleteIf I follow someone, comment on their blog, and get no reciprocity--that really stings, whereas on FB, if I "like" a status and never get a return, it doesn't bother me.
If someone visits and comments on my blog, I feel obligated to reciprocate, whereas on FB, I don't feel like I have to even acknowledge it.
If my friend numbers go down on FB, I just assume that someone either deactivated their account or maybe cleaned out their list and deleted people they barely know. But when I lose followers on my blog, I take that as a statement of how they must feel about my writing.
But, I do understand how one might feel left out when reading other's comments. I am often a tad bit jealous when I read about my sister "going out with her girls" and realizing she didn't invite me.
Reading this blog post of yours, made me realise how not only do Facebook make us hurt but this whole Internet thing. People are so much vulnerable since the internet have become such a huge thing. We get hurt when we see other people having a great time, great life, great events, ect. People get hurt when someone else place something raw, real, truth or not so much truth about them on the Internet. Yes, the internet makes us vulnerable (in my opinion).
ReplyDeleteMarcia, I'm like you. I don't read other comments on the blogs where I comment on. Mostly due to the fact that I can get hurt or that their opinions might influence me in what I want to say really.
It's stupid, I know, but I still find FB kind of hard to deal with even though I should know better! I just always feel like everyone else is having a great life and a great time. I noticed that I always felt glum after going on FB, so I pretty much stopped (at least under my real name!). I know it means I'm missing out on some chances to connect with people who live far away, but it just wasn't worth it to me. It wasn't a good use of my time because it felt more negative than positive. I know lots of people love it though!
ReplyDeleteI hate when I see local people getting together- mutual friends- and I'm not included :(
ReplyDeleteI think that FB created more issues with family than friends for me. Then again, I don't get jealous easily. I don't lust after anyone else's house/life/kids/clothes. I don't feel left out often. I just let it slide off my back. I think it depends on the type of person you are, honestly.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great point. Social media can be used for good and for evil. :) I love your thought and love all the thoughts in the comments! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDelete