So I had myself a little breakdown at work

Yesterday we were "discussing" something in quite a heated manner.

The details are beside the point but the approach was the usual:

• what did we discuss on Friday?
• so just do that

I did say on Friday when I got to this part (the part in question) I'd check in with him because I don't quite see the vision.

So the explaining was not going so well.

We were just totally missing each other all the time and I was getting more and more frustrated.

Eventually I felt the tears start coming.

I took a deep breath and drank some water and tried to talk some more and one more remark and I just pushed my chair back, grabbed a tissue and my phone and said, "I can't do this. Please excuse me" and I burst into tears as I ran out the office.

I heard him say, "what's wrong?" as I ran out to the loo.

So now I'm stuck in the loo sobbing quietly. Every now and then I stop and remember and it all starts up again. I emailed D and another colleague from my old team to say, "I just burst into tears in front of the 3 of them and now I'm in the loo crying".

My colleague ran to the loo at the main office, emailed me back and I told her I'm in town, not there. I didn't let on to D that it was not the nice, decent crying that I'd done up to this point, but the totally ugly, entire face red, crying. I don't cry nicely, by the way.

Eventually the cleaning lady came into the loo, took one look at me as I was trying to repair my face and gave me a big hug (bless her!). I begged her to please go get my bag from our little office which she did and I ran down 7 flights of stairs and out of there.

I walked and walked the CBD and then I headed back. As I crossed the road to get to the building, I started the crying again.

Ridiculous.

Of course when I got back, the first person I saw was him. And he wanted to talk. I didn't even want to look at him but he persisted and insisted so I talked a bit. Excruciating.

The other two had gone for a coffee and when they came back, they (quietly) took their laptops and went to sit somewhere else so we could finish. That was very decent of them.

I tried to explain a bit but they don't get it. It's not the newness of the work that is the issue; it's HOW the work is done and HOW I'm expected to perform in the absence of clearly communicated guidelines.

The strange (!) thing is I had a meeting with HR on Tues and she thinks it's just that I'm taking a while to adjust to the way they do things and the different teamdynamics. Until I appealed to her F (see, this is when MBTI is excellent) and said, S, I've never cried so much about work over the last 19 years as I have in these last 3 months. I'm dreadfully unhappy and have to give myself a pep talk every single day driving in to work and sometimes numerous times in the day. That's when she got it.

I've heard nothing about that position I applied for and I really just need to know. So I can make other plans.

Back to yesterday. He was sweet (a bit scared of the outburst I suspect too) but today back to normal. I did say I don't expect them to change who they are just for me to the point of being inauthentic...the last thing I want is for me to create such discomfort for another person.

So they all went out for drinks last night (I and the other remaining female declined!) and I'm sure there were some things said about me (of course! this is high drama). The 3 project managers also had a meeting with the boss this afternoon so further opportunity to discuss me if there was time.

I have a meeting with the boss tomorrow morning and I know I need to start to deal with this more seriously.

Maybe I'll open with "so what did they tell you about my little breakdown on Wed?" and just get straight to it? ;)

So that's where we're at.

Do you see why I need your prayers?

To not totally end this post on a downer, here are some cute crying pics of the babies when they were somewhere between 12 and 24 months old :)

 

 

On the really bright side, my personal trainer gave me a voucher for a back and neck massage so off I go for that tomorrow!

I'm so looking forward to it since my shoulders are so tense it's ridiculous.

What's up in your world?