For the first time in a year

I am having a normal period!


The progesterone has probably worked because I am on track. I had a 29-day cycle - haven't had anything beyond 21 days for a year, and before that, it was 25-26 days max.


And the period started immediately (not a week of nothingness like before).

So things are looking up :-)

Baby stuff

I read this gorgeous post on babies that I wanted to share with you and I asked the lady to please pray that this is my experience too.

And then... there's an interesting discussion going on at Tertia's blog. Be sure to read comments - that's where it all starts.

What do you think?

Friday's feast - 22 June 2007

Appetizer
Name a funny habit you have.
Only one??? When I arrive home from work, I immediately go to the bathroom to wash my hands.

When I get into bed at night, I take off my rings and put on handcream. Then I read the Bible and my other book and before putting out the lights, put on some more hand cream.

You want more? Keep reading the blog :-)

Soup
If you could instantly know how to play a musical instrument, which one would you pick?
Drums. Without a doubt. It just looks soooo cool!

Salad
How long is your hair?
Shoulder length. You know about a bad hair day? I’ve actually had a bad number of hair years. Used to keep my hair longer but it just looks disgusting.

Main Course
When was the last time you forgave someone, and who was it?

1. Every day I choose to forgive in many little ways.
2. I forgive the guy who cuts in front of me in the traffic, forcing me to slam on my brakes and nearly get rear-ended.
3. I forgive the people who send me rude emails about my business.
4. And I can go on and on…
   

Dessert
What is your favorite kitchen appliance?
My scale. I’m on a weight-loss journey (yes, still am) and it keeps me more or less on track. I’m not good at judging portion size so I prefer to weigh everything.

After the scale, my water filter and then my kettle for endless cups of tea and coffee

Friday's feast - 15 June 2007

Appetizer
Fill in the blank: The best thing about where I live is _________________…
The best thing about where I live (place) are the cold, dry winters and (house) lots of space. I crave space and freedom to just be. Of course, we did buy this house (3 bedrooms) so that one of these rooms could be the baby's. I'm not giving up hope though.

Soup
Create a new name for a deodorant== (like “Flower Fresh” or “Shower Scent”).
I am definitely not the creative type so I'd call it something like shower fresh or powder fresh.

Salad
What was the last piece of software you installed onto your computer?
Some freeware to try designing buttons and so forth. Could also be the reason the computer slowed up so much and is now at the shop where they're checking for viruses.

Main Course
If you were to receive a superlative award today beginning with the words ”Most likely to…”, what would the rest of the phrase say?
Depends who you ask. At work, I'm the most likely to do all the human stuff. Organise the birthdays, celebrations, make muffins for the team (only 7 of us - don't know how I'd feel about it if we were a bigger dept), take photos, stay in touch with past team members, and so on. The HR aspect, you know.

Everyone else would say ....be organised ;)

Dessert
What two colors do you like to wear together?
Well, it's winter now so I like orange and brown, or green and brown. In summer, I like greens and cream (cool colours for these hot summers)

Now, good night everyone. It's 10.40 pm and I'm ready to get to bed with my book :-)

Update on the weird cycles

Remember the weird cycles?

I phoned for my blood results and everything was normal - thank God for that.

So now I'm on the progesterone. So far so good. This is only day 5 and she warned me that I could have swollen breasts and uterine area - so far nothing much. Apparently I must reduce my salt intake as that will help with the swelling.

********************************

My work colleague (previously UPO) came in yesterday after her 6-week check-up since the baby's been born. She looks fabulous - all glossy hair and glowing skin. And the best? She is sooo happy with her baby. A bit sad for me but I'm more happy for her.

********************************

My sister's also doing well. She's very quiet so not the type to say I LOVE THIS SO MUCH or anything like that. Just everything's fine, no problems, etc. Boring, I know. But I'm the one who talks in exclamation marks!!!

********************************

I found an infertility support group through a blog I read and emailed the ladies for more details. Next meeting is 26 June. I can't go because I double-booked myself for some church work on the same night and I just don't cancel things like that. But I'm not sure if I want to go - when I read the forums sometimes, it brings me down and I like to try and stay positive, you know?

So we'll see. I have asked my friend (also babyless at the mo) if she wants to come, so we'll take it as it comes...

but enough about me - how are you doing today?

My blogging story

I see there's something cool going around the blogosphere so I'm a day late but who's counting. Chilihead (?) is hosting this blogging carnival where you tell your blog story.

How did you start blogging?
I'd already been blogging on a business blog and I felt like I wanted a place to be private about infertility and other work stuff. I mean, we all know the Dooce story, right?!

So off I went to blogger and made another blog.

Did you intend to be a blog w/a big following?
Ha ha ha

Now that I've picked myself up off the floor :), this blog has always been a private place for me. A place to get out the thousand and one thoughts flying around my head about infertility and if I'm cursed to not have a child...

There are about 3 people that visit here and of course, it would be nice to be in a bigger community but that was never the focus of this blog. On the others, yes.

I do want to start reaching out more but I'm sort-of stuck in the middle because we know we've had the infertility diagnosis but we haven't gone the expensive, medical route yet. I think that's why I keep reading Boho - she's probably the only person I know online who is also not pursuing IVF. And I'm saying yet - I don't know what next month or the month after that will hold. This is a step-by-step thing.

If so, how did you go about it?
See above.

What do you hope to achieve or accomplish with your blog? Have you been successful? If not, do you have a plan to achieve those goals?
My goal was to have a private place to vent and get cheap therapy. That has worked.

Now, my goal is to reach out more to other people. The best plan I think is to start participating in memes and reading more infertile blogs.

Has the focus of your blog changed since you started blogging? How?
No, not really.

What do you know now that you wish you'd known when you started?
That people can be amazingly supportive and on the flip side, that people can be really hurtful (not to me - I'm just saying)

Do you make money with your blog?
Um, no. Totally not interested.

Does your immediate or extended family know about your blog? If so, do they read it? If not, why?
No, I tell no-one about this blog. I know that some people who read the other blog know/ guess about this one but I have not told anyone.

What two pieces of advice would you give to a new blogger?

1. Know why you want to blog so that you're not distracted by the information overload in the blogosphere. I get the feeling that lots of bloggers try to "copy" others and that does not work. You have to remain true to your own voice and your own style.
2. Don't get obsessed by the stats, comments, etc. Keep your life in balance. At the end of the day, your real relationships are what matter.

Friday's Feast #9 - 1 June 2007

Appetizer
Name something you think is “the best.”
Reading, sleeping, drinking coffee, babies, blogging, etc...



Soup
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 highest), how stressed are you today?
2 - last night was a different story (see previous post) but now it's nothing major


Salad
What kind of cleanser do you use to wash your face?
A liquid facewash that removes oil! I have an combination-oily skin so it's oil-free everything. But I've been told that oily skin is better than dry skin because it doesn't wrinkle as easily. Knew there had to be a benefit somewhere :-)


Main Course
Tonight is a blue moon! What is something that you believe only happens “once in a blue moon.”
I used to think love. But now I think you can definitely find love again and again.



Dessert
When was the last time it rained where you live?
I honestly don't know. Probably a few weeks ago.

MS, not PMS

Business has really been stressing me out lately.

I sent out a reminder email on Monday - an offer I'd just launched with a special to my subscriber base - had only a few more days before it expired. Well, I got 3 "unsubscribes" in the next 24 hours!

So I was quite depressed, thinking what is the point of this business and other thoughts along those lines. And I got absolutely no sales whatsoever.

Now do you know how hard I work to get people on the mailing list? I have to think of new things constantly so it's sad when I get unsubscribes.

I know that when I'm premenstrual everything seems out of proportion. I'm actually menstrual (I know, TMI!) so does that excuse still count?

So yesterday I sent the monthly newsletter and more unsubscribes. My word - what am I doing wrong?? I actually worked so hard on the newsletter and it was barely sent when a couple of emails came in unsubscribing so I just put my head on this desk and cried!

It's so sad.

However, today I took a chance and just sent an email with one of my e-courses to about 10 people who are not on my list but I know are kind-of interested and one lady sent me an email back saying, yes, she wants to buy, how does she go about it?

And I have an organising client tomorrow.

A small sliver of encouragement in a horrible week business-wise.

Discerning thieves?

Someone stole my apple and orange off my desk last night.

I am very cross because I specifically didn’t bring fruit today, knowing that I’d left yesterday’s fruit here. However, my vitamins lying right next to it are still there.

I think I'd have more respect if they took everything. Grrr.

Update

I've been a bit quiet but everything is still fine, well even.

baby news
my sister's baby boy was born yesterday. both mom and baby are doing very well. i'm so happy for her. she is a little sore from the caesar but everything else is fine.

no, i'm not jealous. really.

weird cycles
i've been having weird cycles the last two months. in the past i used to have 5-day cycles with day 1 quite light and then days 2 and 3 very heavy and painful, days 4 & 5 easing off to ...nothing!

the weird cycles go like this - i start bleeding (like the old day 1) for 5 - 7 days, then I have heavy, painful days for another 2 - 3 days, and then the easing off. as a result, it's been 10/11 days, and then a break of only 21 days and then it all starts again!

gynae
so I went to the gynae this week and she said that it sounds like I may not have enough progesterone. sent me for blood tests and prescribed a course of progesterone which i'm to start on day 14 of the next cycle.

can you believe i forgot to phone them for the results??? i can't either. so i will phone them on monday!

business
business is picking up slowly - had two requests for coaching this week. although i had to cancel a workshop i was going to do due to no interest. had 3 phone calls for the forms and bank details but no actual bookings.

weird thing is i have lots of requests to do joint ventures with other solo-preneurs (love this word) and they seem to generate lots of pr but no clients out of that. strange and very annoying.

blogging
read a beautiful poem posted by bohemian girl a day or two ago which so echoed what i feel.

i am blogging regularly on the other public blogs which is taking up all my time so i seem to be neglecting this one.

i have thought of just deleting this whole blog but something keeps holding me back. i think it's because i like the anonymity of this one.

will post the blood test results on monday.

Friday's feast #8 - 18 May 2007

Appetizer
List 3 emotions you experienced this week.
Gratitude - I got a coaching client and a request for more info
Excitement - I saw another job I applied for. It's a virtual position so that could be interesting.
Happiness - finished another e-course this week and I had a 98% open rate on my last HTML newsletter. Apparently this is very good?

Soup
Name a car you’d love to have.
I'm not like that with cars. I buy what I want at the time and when I'm ready for another, I'll buy another one. But! I don't buy expensive cars because cars are not assets.

Salad
Describe your typical morning routine.
I have it down to like 20 minutes because I do everything possible at night. I am not a morning person. And that is an understatement.

Wake up, stumble to bathroom with eyes half shut, wash, weigh (!), get dressed. Then I grab my lunch from the fridge, set the alarm, grab my handbag and I'm outta there.

You can see why I do everything possible at night!


Main Course
Have you ever emailed someone famous?
If so, who, and what did you say to them? Did they reply?
You mean famous bloggers? That's about as famous as it gets with me. The nicer ones did ;)

Dessert
Do you listen to podcasts? If so, which ones?
Yes, I do - not regularly, but when the topic interests me.
I listen to www.escapefromcubiclenation.com

Speaking of work...

I realised the other day that my business is really not doing all that well.

Somebody who reads the blog (the business blog) emailed me and asked me to give her some tips on starting her business. So we were e-chatting and I told her that mine is very part-time at this point. And if I were to go full-time it wouldn't even pay 10% of my current salary.

So then I got to thinking - oh my word. I'm spending hours on the business every week. Now don't get me wrong - I love what I do - but I wonder if it should just stay a hobby and I should carry on in the corporate world forever.

I'm hoping that it's just a transition and that things will pick up. I bought an online success book and am working through all the steps. My numbers on my list are growing but I can't say the clients are really growing. So because I don't have many clients, I design products, write articles. If you look at the stuff I have out, it looks like everything is going well and sometimes I feel like a fake.

Oh well, I'll let you know how it turns out.

Friday's feast #7 - 11 May 2007

Appetizer
Tell about a time when you had to be brave.
Whenever I have to do something outside of my comfort zone. Now I don’t mind confrontation (in fact, I quite like getting things sorted out) so people stuff like that don’t bother me.

I suppose it’s when I have to do something that may potentially embarrass me.

Somebody’s asked me to put together a product with them and we need to do some audio for that. So I suppose if I accept I will have to be brave. We are in different countries so I wonder if her people will understand my accent!

Soup
Which upcoming movie are you excited about seeing?
The next romantic comedy to be released. I haven’t really looked at the papers for awhile…

Salad
Name an item you try to always have on hand.
Me personally? Water and an apple. I always have these with me. And it’s a Granny Smith apple – sour, crisp and deliciously crunchy.

And a notebook and pen.

Main Course
Imagine the most relaxing room you can think of. Now describe it!
There is a soothing pastel colour on the walls, like mint-green, pastel blue or pastel yellow. Or a nice shade of brown. Definitely wooden floors and lots of space. Comfy chairs with throws and reading lamps where I can just sit and read…….

Dessert
On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being highest), how spiritual or religious are you?
I would say it fluctuates between 7 and 8. I’m born-again, but not religious. Does that make sense? It’s about a relationship with Jesus, not doing rituals just for tradition’s sake.
I always have to work at the Bible reading and prayer but worship and listening to God come quite easily to me.

Go here for more feasts

The job - part 2

Here is part 1

Anyway so with this interview I was my usual self and they were very controlled with their responses. I could tell the one guy liked me straight away but couldn’t tell with the other two. I mean they asked why I wanted the position and I said… I don’t know that I do. I’m very happy where I am – my current position suits my personality (and explained). I had a real “whatever” attitude and it wasn’t fake – I really didn’t give a toss. I also realized that this is not the type of work I want to do (more product development and I’m good at relationship & operational stuff). And of course, I hate the traffic so the commute wasn’t calling my name. But I wanted to take it through to the end to see what kind of package they would offer me.

They were supposed to only notify me on the Tuesday afternoon earliest BUT I’d only been back at the office for an hour when I got a phone call that I’d been shortlisted again. Oh no! They wanted me back the next Wed; I said I couldn’t do it until the following Tuesday. I mean – can you believe the chutzpah? (My husband says people like me make him sick – normal people have to look for ages for decent jobs and these things just fall into my lap. Well, not really but I know what he means).

But then God started dealing with me. I felt HUGE unease and I’m not the best Christian under the sun with regular praying and so forth but I do know when the peace of God leaves me. And it left me – BIG TIME. E.g. I don’t EVER have trouble sleeping. And I mean EVER. But suddenly I was tossing and turning at night, mind racing, etc. Stuff that just doesn’t happen to me. And the pit in my stomach – not nice at all.

So I had a nice chat with my DH and he agreed that I shouldn’t go ahead. Because I know once they start waving mega bucks in front of my greedy little eyes, I’ll start dreaming about IVFs, handbags, holidays and so forth. And then I wouldn’t be able to make a proper decision.

I wrote one of my nice emails to them withdrawing my application (this is not the right time in my life), thank you and sorry for inconvenience. And then I spoke to the HR guy who was very disappointed. But I told myself, “do not justify anything” so I bit my tongue and shut up until we ended the call.

So that’s my job story. The peace is amazing and I slept like a baby afterwards!

The job - part 1

I’ve been trying to find time to blog this since the weekend. And now finally I have a chance.

One of my clients sent an email out to a number of her contacts asking if we knew of anyone who was interested in applying for a position at her company. Personally I feel like she wanted us to apply but didn’t want to be seen to be “poaching” us if we got the job as we have some joint ventures with this particular company. Anyway, so I applied. I thought, “let’s throw it out there and see what happens”.

This was in February. So I hear nothing for a month and thought nothing of it because I’m not really looking, you know. But then a by the way at the end of one of our conversations and she says, “you have been shortlisted”. Okay….

Then again weeks go by and nothing. Then one afternoon I get a call from her. The HR person has been trying to get hold of me and can’t seem to get hold of me. I’m like, “really? That’s strange. Because if I don’t answer, my cell phone goes to voicemail.” Anyway I confirmed all my details and that was that.

So finally he phones me and we make the interview for Thursday 26 April. I arrive at the interview 5 minutes late (they have a gazillion buildings and I went to the wrong one first). Interesting thing happened though. I was at the correct reception eventually and the HR guy sees me and calls my name. He recognized me from my photo on my CV (I totally forgot that was on there and it is very out of date – 2 years old – but I’ve been told the photo makes me look older. I only left it on there because it’s the only one of me in “work clothes (a suit)”.

Now I don’t mean to boast – I really don’t (hear my heart please) – but I do very well in interviews. I’ve always been a confident, self-assured person and I have no trouble at all being interviewed by one or a number of people. In fact I prefer panel interviews (my view is I get all the people over and done with at one time) and this time it was one of those – there were 3 people.

Another thing – in all my years of working I’ve only been to one interview where I wasn’t offered the position (and that was an internal position so company politics prevailed). I’ve heard that your CV (resume) must make you stand out from the pack so mine looks very different - first of all, it’s not the same, boring things like the other 101 people applying for the same position. And secondly, I have the picture and some interesting things on there. They are either going to love me or hate me and if they still want to see me, we’re going to get along great.

So then the interview. I am always brutally honest – some would say to my detriment. You know all the things you’re not supposed to do in an interview? Yeah well, I do them. My view is that if there are issues, they better come out now. Because if I start working with you, if something was irritating you about me, it is going to get worse J And also I interview right back. At the end when they ask if there are any questions, I always have a couple and I go for it. I check what type of personalities the boss has (I can’t stand controlling, micro-managing people) and what the team culture is (hate the clock-watching type of companies) and so on.

I'll post part 2 tomorrow.

But in the meantime, what are you like in an interview?

Friday's feast #6 - 4 May 2007

I've been away for a mid-year break but I will post more this weekend. For now, enjoy this feast.

Speaking of feasts, I need to seriously lose 4 kg because I've been eating and eating over the last couple of months and the jeans are getting tight again!


Appetizer
Name something you would not want to own.
A dishwasher. I have a thing about hand washing dishes. For me, it seems like you get to the dirt better.

Soup
Describe your hair (texture, color, length, etc.).
It is dark-brown but I started going grey quite young (25) so I colour it with brown-red highlights. My hair's shoulder length but because it's so curly, it looks like it's in a bob half the time. I remember reading on your blog, Becky, how you flat-iron it every day to get it straight. I'm getting there... I do straighten it about once a month.

Salad
Finish this sentence: I’ll never forget ___________.
I'll never forget when I first realised what it is that God had created me to do. It was awesome - talk about a penny dropping!

(to inspire other people to achieve their goals)

Main Course
Which famous person would you like to be for one day? Why?
No, I'm not interested in being other people. Let alone famous. Even for one day.

I love my freedom too much and I wouldn't be able to handle the invasion of privacy. Unless it's internet famous - that I can handle.

Dessert
Write one sentence about yourself that includes one thing that is true and another thing that is not.
I love doing puzzles/ playing board games and speaking to large groups of people.

Can you guess which is true and which is not? Tell me in the comments. This should be fun.

Edited to add
Puzzles - not true
Speaking to people - true ;)

Friday's Feast #5

Appetizer
What is your favorite kind of bread?
All kinds! This is my weakness. I can tell you what I don’t like – white bread and white rolls. Anything else is just delicious. I enjoy anything wholegrain!

Soup
When was the last time you bought a new pillow?
Decorative pillows? A few months ago, in December. The standard sleeping pillows? Gee – ages ago.

Salad
Approximately how many hours per week do you spend surfing the ‘net?
Touchy subject! That depends on how disciplined I’m being. I try to read blogs through Google Reader so that I don’t have to click through and get distracted by the comments. Probably spend an hour or more on the internet every day – not all that time is surfing; some is my blogging (I have 6 blogs all in all) and work on my website, shopping carts, and so on.

Main course
What’s the highest you remember your temperature being?
I’m not unhealthy at all (except for the infertility) so I never get sick. Like in the last 8 years, I haven’t had 1 normal sick day. Of course, I was booked off for a week each time with both laparoscopies in 2002 and 2004.

Maybe in hindsight it would have been better to be a bit more normal with sicknesses like other people and who knows? Maybe the babies would come easier too J

Dessert
Fill in the blanks: When I ____________, I _____________.
When I decide to do something, I absolutely commit to it. Some might call it stubbornness; I call it persistence.

I did it

The baby shower was today and I helped organize the guest list, eats and so forth. Because I’m probably the best person to do so in the department, just because I’m organised.

I went to check the venue, seating and eats 15 minutes before the time and wasn’t planning to stay but I thought I’d sit right near the door to make a quick escape if I needed to.

I did start crying twice but I just clenched my lips, blinked to get rid of the tears and focussed. Well, the first time, it was because she started crying. She said “oh my word.. this is such a surprise. I can’t believe it” and she burst out crying. And so did I.

And then the second time was with the baby clothes. I have now noticed that I don’t mind seeing other baby items – anything really. But it’s the clothes that get me.

I’m busy decluttering big-time at home and I came across a storage box labeled Baby Stuff. Do you know what’s in there? Stuff from when I thought we were reproductively normal. I’d be shopping for baby showers and get an extra outfit for the baby (I thought) I’d be pregnant with soon. We are also both big readers and when I used to go to the bookstore, I’d buy children’s books for our baby. Of course hanging onto hope and thinking, “next month I’ll be pregnant”. So the box has some baby clothes, some books and some baby toiletries.

Anyway I said all that to say… I’m proud that I did it! But I can't say I'll do it again. It also helped that this was at work so we only had 1 hour, no fussing and not too much sentimentality.

baby news update

We had the saddest news at work last week. The little 800g baby that was born prematurely died. He had to have a heart operation and he pulled through that just fine. But then he didn't react very well to the drugs he had to have after the op, and died two days later. They are understandably devastated.

The baby shower is happening next week and I have decided not to go. I've got to do what I can to protect myself (boundaries and so forth) and I can't act like a freak in front of all the work people. Becky, I am happy for other people - nobody deserves to go through this; not even my worse enemy. It's hard for me to smile and be happy when inside my heart is breaking. And tears are so close to the surface.

My DH announced that he definitely doesn't want to adopt. I have to respect that. He says it's because the whole thrill of having children (for him) is that he gets to see each of us in the children's features and mannerisms, and so forth. At first I was quite upset but then I calmed down. I do understand. We spoke about it again later on the Easter weekend and we are now fine.

Still don't know if I'm ready for IVF. Honestly. But I do believe that we must both be mentally totally committed if we're going to throw those exorbitant sums of money at the process.

My other friend with premature ovarian failure is not doing great. We are having lunch next week while the baby shower happens. It looks like the only solution is donor eggs.

Who would have thought having babies could be so complicated?

Friday's Feast # 4

Appetizer
What are you proud of?
I’m proud of the fact that I got off my butt and did something about fulfilling my dreams as opposed to just talking about it. In 2002, I started writing a newsletter to about 20 of my friends and I now have a proper (part-time) coaching business, with a website and mailing list of a lot more than 20 people!

Soup
What is the best thing you’ve ever won as a prize?
Hmm. I went to a workshop once and won one of the spot prizes, a hamper from Pepperdew. That is the only thing I’ve ever won so it’s got to be the best thing.

Salad
Name something you do that is a waste of time.
Reading too many blogs. But I’m getting it all organised one step at a time. First Google reader & slowly putting some systems into place. Like already I limit myself to 4 nights a week. And I’m going to start imposing time limits!

Main Course
In what year of your life did you change the most?
I would have to say last year. The infertility diagnosis made me a cynical, cold and heartless person. Someone I don’t know all that well.
And negative! As a result I’ve stopped reading so many infertility blogs to try and keep myself reasonably positive.

Dessert
Where is a place you consider to be very tranquil?
Any place with water. Water is very peaceful and soothing for me. At my house, it would have to be our sun lounge because I can hear the trickle of the water feature by the pool. Lovely.