Um yes, totally done

Oddly enough, even though Eve lives right near me, we've never met.

D delivered the GonalF plus an "all the best" card to our wonderful fertility clinic and Eve collected it at her next appointment.

Maybe it was a little strange that I went to visit her in the hospital. She had her baby boys on Wednesday at 38 weeks 4 days (I am in AWE!) at a scheduled Caesar (no drama whatsoever).

I didn't think it was strange since we've emailed a lot and sent text messages back and forth but then again, I am weird, and this year I'm about just doing things and not thinking so much.

(speaking about weird, I just went "Mmmmm" when I had a spoonful of plain, low fat yoghurt - is there anything better?!)

Also I know how much I appreciate visits and I like to make people feel a little bit special.

So off I went and amazingly I didn't get lost. I can get lost very easily even if I've been to a place before.

They let me go into the NICU and a nurse told me to hold the one baby after washing hands, of course.

Oh my word!

Perfection.

Cute, wrinkly, newborn goodness.

They are SO very precious when that small.

I hardly knew what to do or how to hold him (we forget so quickly!) but I pretended and figured it out.

They are both just so gorgeous and yet...

I realised for sure there is no way I want the responsibility of such tiny babies again. No way.

Apparently the absolute craziness of the first 3 months scared me way too much.

How/ when did you know (finally) that you were done?

And these kids weren't even tiny. The one boy, D, at 3.2 kg was double what Kendra weighed! The other one, J, was a very healthy 2.5 kg.

She had 5,7 kg of baby inside her - amazing. I told her she's a rock star :)

And look how good she looks!

The hospital is set in these gorgeous surroundings. When I had my laparoscopy in 2008, the room I was in overlooked this deliciousness. Not-so-little gifts from God.

I really wanted to have the babies here until I heard about the extra R4 500 I'd have to pay ABOVE what the medical aid would cover.

Also, Dr C only delivered babies at the hospital around the corner from my house. In the end it all worked out - I had brilliant nurses, a good recovery and because of the NICU stay, great that it was 2 minutes away vs 15 minutes.

Eve and I discovered we're now with the same gynae as Dr C's emigrated to New Zealand (I am jealous - the COLD!) and his patients have been transferred to her gynae.

I leave you with some twin cuteness observed just this morning. V was changing their sheets so she put them both in the other cot. They were quite happy with Kendra laying on Connor with her feet hanging out.

How often do you change your babies' sheets?

We do every week unless they mess on them before that. My friend, Ilse, said she does them daily.

I was horrified - imagine all the laundry! :)

P.S. New trick I'm not too thrilled about - they rip each other's dummies out of the mouth and then suck it themselves! Here in the pic they've just done that. Ugh LOL

My babies are here

The twins made a very unexpected and sudden arrival on Tuesday morning, 7 July. At 31 weeks 6 days by an emergency C-section.

Will tell you the whole birth story at a later date but wanted to at least post an update.

Kendra was born first at 2:50 am weighing a mere 1,590 kg (multiply 2,2 to get the weight in pounds).

Connor was born a minute later weighing 1.850 kg.

Together 3,5 kg of baby (a very healthy size for one baby, but obviously tiny for two of them).

They are both in neo-natal ICU - Kendra can breathe on her own but she is really tiny so needs to fatten up and get to 2kg.

Connor is on a ventilator but is apparently doing well (his blood stats improve every time they test them, which is 6-hourly) and should be off in the next day or so...

Me?

Physically I am totally fine (I recover very quickly from ops) but emotionally I am up and down.

I was fine until this morning and then started the crying thing. I try and block it out that those are MY tiny babies with tubes in them. But it's really difficult because that's not the picture I had in my head...I only go see them when my husband is here so he can give me a pep talk before and after. I'd much prefer to just hear the paediatrician's twice daily update as the verbal message sounds so much better than the visual reality. She is happy with their progress - keeps saying they are fine, just small. In a month's time they'll be perfect.

I don't even know what they look like (properly) because their faces are obscured by all the tubes ...and I haven't held them. I have only touched a hand and leg of each baby.

I am still in the hospital - will be discharged on Friday.

I tell you, this twins thing is not for the faint-hearted.

Twins!

Oh my word - the most exciting thing EVER happened today.

My good friend C had her first complete IVF a month ago. When I was waiting to go into surgery, she tried to phone me so I knew she had the results of her pregnancy test. I couldn't take calls in that ward of 19 ladies (!) so I sent her a quick text message to say I'd call her in the evening.

Well, she was PREGNANT!!!! Huge excitement :)

Today she had her first scan and sent me a text that read, "it's twins".

I jumped on my phone immediately - I am SOOOOOO happy for her.

So when D got home I told him and he says, "can we have one?"

!

Another one of those!

A girl here at work is pregnant. Three months.

Lovely person - only 25/26 - her second. Her first-born is the MOST GORGEOUS CHILD ever. He is ultra-friendly and loves hugging everybody.

I asked her if they were trying (because we are friendly with one another) and she said yes.

"The first month nothing happened and then the second month I was pregnant"

Oh the joys!

It sucks. It really does. I'm happy for them but it freaks me out that mostly everybody can get pregnant at the drop of a hat!

Oh my word

Thanks so much for your comment the other day.

I phoned my gynae to check how I'm supposed to take the progesterone and she says from day 14 to 28 each cycle. I've just been taking them all along so I stopped immediately!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, my sister has asked me to be her son's godmother. I'm not into all this traditional stuff but I know it's a big thing for her so I graciously accepted :)

Sister: A and I would like you to be K's godmother

Me: What does that mean? I have to look after him if you die?

Sister: Leigh!

LOL - at least I can still laugh. Right?!

Update on the weird cycles

Remember the weird cycles?

I phoned for my blood results and everything was normal - thank God for that.

So now I'm on the progesterone. So far so good. This is only day 5 and she warned me that I could have swollen breasts and uterine area - so far nothing much. Apparently I must reduce my salt intake as that will help with the swelling.

********************************

My work colleague (previously UPO) came in yesterday after her 6-week check-up since the baby's been born. She looks fabulous - all glossy hair and glowing skin. And the best? She is sooo happy with her baby. A bit sad for me but I'm more happy for her.

********************************

My sister's also doing well. She's very quiet so not the type to say I LOVE THIS SO MUCH or anything like that. Just everything's fine, no problems, etc. Boring, I know. But I'm the one who talks in exclamation marks!!!

********************************

I found an infertility support group through a blog I read and emailed the ladies for more details. Next meeting is 26 June. I can't go because I double-booked myself for some church work on the same night and I just don't cancel things like that. But I'm not sure if I want to go - when I read the forums sometimes, it brings me down and I like to try and stay positive, you know?

So we'll see. I have asked my friend (also babyless at the mo) if she wants to come, so we'll take it as it comes...

but enough about me - how are you doing today?

I'm cold and heartless

Then as I’m catching up with my blog reading, I found out that Tertia’s pregnant. Tertia is the one who had twins after 9 IVFs. Now here is the part that is still confusing to me. Intellectually I was happy for her because all baby news is good news, right? And yet. A big part of me felt nothing – or maybe a tiny bit of jealousy. I honestly can’t explain it.

I copied the link (she didn’t give away anything in the subject line) and sent it to my other trying-to-get-pregnant friend and all I said was “read this”. Then later, I tried to explain how I felt about it – huge shock, slight happiness for her, mainly disbelief. I think my heart is hardening and I’m becoming a cold, cynical person. And this is not me. So it scares me.

I think it was because if this woman, having been through 9 IVFs with all her medical history, could fall pregnant just by having sex, then I must be doing something wrong. I don’t have half the problems and we can’t even get that right.

I am also becoming judgmental which is also not me. I find myself thinking that others don’t deserve babies, or why do other people feel like they have the right to complain about not getting pregnant after just a month or two?! I used to regularly read a blog and this lady announced that they were going to start trying. After two months, she said that she had no more patience so they bought the ovulation kits to time things better. And the next month she was pregnant. So I stopped reading her blog. Silly? Yes, of course it is.

Today I learnt that Tertia went for a scan today and there was no heartbeat - the baby’s dead. It’s so terrible but at the time, again nothing. Absolutely nothing but a tiny bit of sadness. She just blogged one line. And I saw the 100 comments and thought, “at least there are other normal people to support her”. It’s only now that I’m typing this that I’m crying a little. This is why I blog – to get the stuff swirling around in my head out somewhere so I don’t go crazy. I also can’t explain things very well when I try to talk about very emotional things. But I find I can make sense of my feelings better when I write/ type them.

I used to be known for being a thoughtful, caring type of person. So this weekend in church I prayed to God that He softens my heart again.

I want to be me again.

Baby boys and baby showers

baby boys
Let me tell you about A. I work with her and when I first found out she was pregnant, I was all happiness and sunshine and we got talking. She then told me that even though she’s only 25, they’ve been battling to fall pregnant for 3 years. They went to the same infertility doctor I / we saw in November. And like us, they also told them that anything other than IVF was useless to try. Nevertheless, they decided to do AI and they were pregnant, first time around. Happiness!

Her pregnancy progressed beautifully and except for the fact that she continued smoking, she was looking after herself very nicely.

Well, she was due in June sometime, after the Ungrateful Pregnant One (early May) and my sister (late May). So imagine my shock/ horror when I heard from UPO that A had the baby. This is at something like 26/ 28 weeks. Nobody knows why her waters suddenly broke.

A and her baby boy are both fine, despite the fact that he only weighed 800g! I was so scared for her, imagining all the worst things, but he was moved out of NICU after a day or two.


baby showers
Speaking about UPO…

She'll be going off on maternity leave during the last week of April – that’s about 5 weeks left. Now as you all know, it is customary to throw a baby shower for one’s colleagues.

I’ve mentioned before that if there’s anything vaguely non work-related that has to be organised at work, like someone leaving, getting married, having a birthday, etc, I’m usually the one organising a card, present, party. But I can’t do it this time. Not only that – I don’t think I will be up to even going. Sitting in a room with 30 women all cooing over a baby is going to be torture! Even now, I’m fine talking with her one-on-one but not in a group - I then have to leave. And I have seen recently that she’s become more tactful about baby things. Prayer does work!

And strangely enough, I know she’ll understand. I have to protect myself so up the boundaries come. It’s the rest of them that won’t understand. People think you’re just being weird when you don’t want to participate in the “rites of passage”. What rubbish!

The other day another team member suggested that the three of us go to a maternity shop to help UPO buy some maternity clothes. Before I knew it, out of my mouth popped, “I can’t think of anything I’d rather not do!” I tried to cover up with a joke but it didn’t quite work. Oh well. They pay me to work, not for all this other rubbish…

Anyway! Any suggestions for dealing with this baby shower thing?