Infertility & the unfairness of life

Last night I cried myself to sleep.

At the beginning of this year, one of our goals was to get this baby thing sorted out. When we were at my gynae last year, she told us that 45% is due to the female, 45% due to the male and about 10% unexplained.

We naturally assumed that I was the problem since I've had endometriosis for 4 years, and here we are 2 laparoscopies later. (those details are for another blog post). Anyway, my dh decided to get a spermogram to "rule him out".

It didn't. He has enough men, they swim well but their morphology is not good. In plain and simple English (why do doctors always complicate things?!), their heads are not pointy enough to penetrate the egg. Can be caused by smoking (he doesn't), drinking (he doesn't) or stress (he is the most laid-back person on the face of the planet).

So she gave us the number of a fertility specialist and suggested we just go straight to him.

Of course, we are in total denial so we carry on practising and believing God every month that I will get pregnant. And every month, my breasts get tender, my tummy starts the pms swell and I get my period.

DH decided to go get another spermogram and yesterday's when he phoned for the results. Same story - morphology is completely messed up and the doctor says "there is no way you two will ever be able to have a baby naturally". thanks for the positive message


This is conveyed in a very matter-of-fact tone, like we're talking about how it's a rainy day or something.

I don't think I can deal with the unfairness of it all. My friend C says "some people just seem to pop them out like Smarties" which just sums it up. Everywhere I look I see women pregnant and glowing, and gorgeous babies everywhere. I don't begrudge them (or only a little bit). I just feel like it's soooo unfair. I would make such a good mother. Promise. Everyone says so!

So last night is when it seemed to sink in. I might never be a mother.