A bit down/ 40th

It's very strange for me to feel so blah about life but I really, really, REALLY want July to be over.

I know I can just "shake things off" and yes, I'm trying but there's this pervasive feeling of stress and anxiety lurking in the background.

I really feel like my website being hacked "knocked me for a six" and more than that, wondering where my resilience is. This type of thing wouldn't even have shaken me before and look at me now.

Also I did the budgets last night (on time for a change) and while our personal budget is seriously looking good (and actually balances - no missing money!) the business one is terrible.

From a purely business perspective I could easily just stop the whole thing BUT and this is the thing... I know that God gave me a vision for speaking encouragement and inspiring action to hundreds and hundreds of women. If I take a moment, I can close my eyes and see it plain as day.

I know that is my destiny.

And there's nothing in life that scares me more than not fulfilling my potential. Nothing.

I am trying to be faithful with my gifts.

But yet the question is - am I really making a difference if no-one's being impacted? Of course not. So what's the point?

And I can't justify all the time, effort, energy and money if there's such a small return.

I think I'm doing all the things that people say to do. Marketing regularly, providing good content, etc.

I know a lot of this introspection is also because my birthday's coming up in a mere 13 days and it's a good chance to do some soul-searching, adjust goals and correct the course of my life.

When I turned 30, I had a party and sent around a book for people to write notes in. A friend wrote something like "only 30 and already you've done so much".

That was cute at the time but I now feel "nearly 37 and what have you done the last 7 years?"

(except for the babies, that is)

*sigh*

There is no point to this bit of the blog post except to say, if you pray, please pray for me. I could use some encouragement and/ or clarity/ wisdom.

Thanks.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who thinks so much about fulfilling her potential and making a difference. I know I'm not, I just feel that way because not many people talk about this stuff.

Do you think about these things?

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D was still way too sick to take care of the kids by himself on Sat and wanted me to cancel my colleague's 40th but I just can't do that. I know how annoying it is when people RSVP yes and don't pitch, even with valid excuses, and I really wanted to just be there for her.

So I sent my MIL a text "from D" in his tone and language (no frills, just the facts :)) and of course she agreed to come "help him" with the babies.

While I was giving the kids their breakfast I realised we were totally out of bread (we ate my last two hot cross buns from the freezer) so I did a run to the shops. I thought I may be late for my 10:30 hair appt only to find out that it was a 10:00 appt and I was in Pick & Pay at 9:55.

I phoned and she said she could do me at 10:30 too so I whizzed around tossing food into the trolley, paid and raced to the hairdresser.

Raced home, dressed, raced to the venue.

About 5 minutes away from home I realised I'd forgotten my present so raced back, got present and again raced to the venue, our beautiful building at work.

I hope I'm still working there when I turn 40 because I am so having my 40th function there too.

It is just such a magnificent building.

Of course I was a little late and she made a comment which didn't land properly with me.

(a cute thing I learned on the course on Friday was the word "land" - how is that "landing" with you? :))

She does score low on the intrapersonal scale (I'm not fantastic on that scale either btw) but I sat and seethed a bit until I heard her say the same thing to the next 3 latecomers. Sadly, that made me feel better.

I had a lovely time even though I knew no-one at the table.

A did a lovely thing which was to write down something nice about EVERYONE there (similar to what Kirsten did at her baby shower) and she said these things out loud. To about 36 - 40 women.

Yes, some tears were shed. Not by me (my nice stuff was just about being so organised even after the twins were born - I say "I need to be organised otherwise I'd be crazier") though.

Food was good, speeches were lovely and I had a delightful conversation with the photographer, interestingly enough.

Gave her some advice but also learned a thing or two from her, not about photography but about ministry.

I was just ready to leave when I saw D'd sent me two texts asking me to pick up some things.

Do you know how I hate being sent for things? Especially random stuff.

But I tried and after trying two shops, just gave up on one and spent too much money on the other because I wanted to get home to the babies.

D was totally out of it but my MIL and the kids were having lots of fun playing outside.

I love arriving home and hearing their voices go "Mummy!" (K) and "Marcia!" (Connor - this is a new thing which I still find cute) with such happiness and excitement, so much so that I can't be a grouch.

Crazy times and we didn't even bath them last night.

I just felt like I was running right from the time I woke and I needed time out.

Anyway, I plan to have a party for my 40th and this will be one that my kids can come to (they'll be 5 years old!). I like the idea of a "come as you want to be in 5 years' time" - it is so "me" - but who knows how I'll feel closer to the time.

By the way, for me it's not about an expensive party but about the celebration of life.

Do you have plans for your 40th?

PS Kendra and I had some girl time this afternoon. We went to get my prescription filled and then spent a rewards voucher at Exclusive Books on some . She is so tiny that she sat in the little shopping trolley basket, charming everybody :)

PPS I am totally back to normal from the stomach bug, enjoying creams, butter, all sorts of food again :)