When you realise you're not as awesome as you thought you were

 I know these are only fit for the beach but they're SOOOO comfortable. Zoom sandals - R99 at Canal Walk a million years ago (I think 10 year or more)

I'm not quite sure if this is "normal" behaviour but I do know that as children we generally have lots more confidence than teenagers and then again, as adults.

Before the world starts telling us we can't.

So when I was a child I always thought I would be kind-of famous .... and then life happens and you realise okay, that's not going to happen but why not CEO, right?

And then you work and work and progress through the organisation ... and think "the world awaits" and the sky is my limit.

Well, that was me anyway.

Something happened along the way.

I do think infertility and the babies affected me in that I got a bit sidetracked there for a few years but I honest to goodness thought that once I had babies I'd slip back into my ambitious self and be awesome again.

And while my focus and priorities have shifted somewhat, mostly because of logistics, I still really like to work and feel accomplished in a somewhat more controlled environment (!) than being with the babies.

I'm not saying you can't feel a sense of accomplishment taking care of kids; I just know that MY personality is not suited for that particular job. I enjoy my kids far more with "breathing space" and I know I'm a better mother because of that too.

But really, I honestly feel like for the last 6 years, not much of my awesomeness has been seen. There have been bits here and there but I feel like I had all this potential and it's wasted.

And then a meeting happened which, quite honestly, threw me.

My particular personality style leans towards action and results. I always thought these were good traits especially in the working world but in this meeting, those things were the "challenges I have to overcome".

Can you see how this would throw me?

I'm not being dramatic (I hope) but I was thinking, if this is not part of my awesomeness, then what on earth am I doing?

To be fair, the HR person did say that I was fine/ good/ competent as is in these current roles but for future career growth, I'd have to slow down and think deeper/ longer/ more carefully. Improve those parts of my brain. Magically transform into a more strategic thinker.

Other than the blow to my self-esteem, I really thought he coached me really well in the session and I wrote a whole page of notes after I changed my self-talk to "what can I learn from this?" instead of the "oh my word, they hate me" business :)

There's something else - we were using an old assessment I'd done 4.5 years ago which I feel boxed me in and also I've actively worked on some of the things which has made me more effective in my role so it's not 100% accurate right now.

(I since decided that if I apply for any roles, I'll just say "I need to have one done" instead of saying "yes, I've had that assessment done")

So here's the thing.

I honestly don't think a lot of this can be learnt. Yes, it can improve with practice but it's never going to be a core strength of mine and that's where all this is going -

what if I'm doomed to work in these sorts of positions for the next 22 years?

Do you think like this? Where will I be in  5, 10 years? In a "if nothing changes, I'm still likely to be doing the same type of thing" way...

I don't think this is just me, by the way. I see the young whippersnappers come into the organisation at all of 22 years old and think they're going to take over the world. (I feel for them - that was me!)

And then corporate or life, really, beats that ambition out of you.

Of course there are some young whippersnappers who do just fly up through the ranks. Somehow they have the magic combination of great people skills, being very visible and marketing themselves well,  with a side that's not scared of taking risks all the time. And sometimes they're even really competent!

One more thing - as far as women are concerned, I've only ever seen these hotshots be single females though...

What about you? What has your experience been?

Do you feel you're living up to your potential?

PS by the way, is R550 reasonable for a laptop bag with wheels? It is very nice but you know how I feel about boring black... ack!