Answering all the work questions and why I won't "just leave"

First of all, Nanny S was supposed to take her child back to Zim on Friday this week.

When she asked for leave, she mentioned that her father is very sick and "if something happened" she'd need to leave earlier.

Well, as it happens, she was here yesterday when she got the call. I heard her saying, "mama" and my heart sank.

Indeed, her dad had just died.

Amidst much crying, I sent her home immediately.

All that to say... this week is going to be interesting because of course my current job doesn't lead itself to deviations from the project plan!

Also, the veggies in my microwave just exploded, the power shut off for a moment and there's no sign of life from it. Soooo looks like I have to go buy a new microwave tomorrow.
 

But now, the work questions:

The big question is why don't I just leave. Well...


1) I seriously love the company

I've worked at many in my industry (well 3 others) and this is by far the best culture to suit my personality.

Our industry is very conservative, straight-laced and generally boring (to be blatantly honest)... and I'm not.

I really believe that in a company the size of mine there has got to be something to perfectly suit me.... also I'm realising I didn't know what I had before....

2) It's not the money

A goal of mine a few years back was to be able to live on one of our salaries. We made it (see, goals work) - I can't remember exactly when - so it's really not that.

BTW, it's due to a combination of God, tithing, a sensible lifestyle by Jhb standards (i.e. old cars :) - mine is 8 years old this year) and wisdom in fin.ancial matters.
 

3) It's more difficult to employ an unemployed person

I've recruited for enough positions in the past and there are enough barriers to jump through without adding one more thing to the checklist.

My industry is not recruiting heavily at the moment. E.g. on a major job portal just this week, there were 135 jobs. Of those, only 14 were management positions and none were suitable for my skill set when I checked this week.  Mmmm.

Also, resigning impulsively does not look good for your emotional fortitude, i.e. the resilience factor :)

That said, of course you can get a job being unemployed - it's just something I would prefer not to do right now.

On taking a risk and stepping out

This current role was a huge risk for me. Huge. Related experience but not actual experience. And look how this has played out. To be fair, technically speaking I can do this... I just don't want to.

And because this is playing out so badly, I'm feeling a bit battered. Okay, a LOT battered in terms of work self-esteem but more than that, in terms of trusting my intuition and all that jazz. Which I was never very good at in the past.

So I'm really, really keen to get back to basics with what I know. I'm no longer interested in being out of my comfort zone. Maybe the Ps reading can't understand this but I'm sure the Js will.


On surrendering and trusting God

In a nutshell, I still battle to know where that line is - the fine balance between trusting and sitting back and purely relaxing. As you know if you've read this blog for 2 seconds, I'm not a "relaxing" sort of person so this is difficult for me.

A few nights ago, I took out a project life card (it says "recorded") and I wrote out my job specifics and prayed over it. That's as much as I can trust for now.

God knows my heart; I'm trying to trust but it's as difficult now as it was during the infertility years. (speaking of which, I started talking to a girl about that the other day and nearly started crying - guess it never leaves you!)

As with the infertility, I decided to start having different conversations with God in the car. Isn't it fun being inside my head?! Then, I said if I got through that, I'd use my experience for good. And I'm saying the same now but also that I'm available to minister to people going through seemingly impossible situations. Whatever they may be.

I know one day when I look back this will seem insignificant but until then it feels very bleak for me. 

I thought this job was perfect before I started working in it ....

YES! It still is a really good SKILLS fit (sadly, 98% - this is why I can't get HR to take my unhappiness seriously - but Marcia, you're PERRRRRFECT for this role - we consider 60% to be a REALLY good fit). I now know that I underestimated the very crucial part my personality, team culture, values and % of people/ task focus.

Now what?

Well, sadly, I feel like what Dr Phil once described an emotional burn victim on his show. Just the slightest touch and I can feel pain immediately.

I've been "fine" since Wed and yet, on Friday I had a coffee date with a friend. Started talking and there I was crying again. This is my life.

I'm keeping busy because if I slow down, that means I start thinking and when I think, I cry. Even now the tears are welling up. If anyone shows the slightest bit of kindness towards me, yes, I cry.

When I drive to work and I let myself think about where I'm going, yes, I cry.

All I can do is block everything out... for now.... while praying hard and trying to keep focussed and do the best job I can.

There are 3 options on the immediate horizon after the current project ends mid-Sept:

1. work in current location on another project for a month (this will be good for sanity dates with Louisa and my other CBD friend) - new project manager
2. move to new project (more exciting) with existing micro manager - I've already told the boss I canNOT do this... no matter how exciting....but he hasn't said that that is fine...
3. work on totally new project in a very far location that does my head in if I even venture to travel there during weekend hours (yes, I'm looking at you, 4ways)

So option 1 is looking "good" simply because everything else is so terrible.

And friends, that's where I'm at.

Sorry for the depressing post - I guess this is what happens when you stop and contemplate!

Wish us well for this week without Nanny S :)

Now, would you just leave? Why or why not?

PS congrats if you made it through this novel!