Strung out

That's how I'm feeling.

On edge, irritable, close to tears, stressed.

And very alone.

Last night I realised that I'm pre-menstrual. I'm thinking these new hormonal feelings are one of two things:

• either because of the new birth control pills or
• because I'm going back to work in two weeks
  

Could be either option or both because I'm normally very even-tempered and realistic about things so it's got to be something else. I usually go into problem-solver mode when I'm stressed otherwise I'd crack in my job :)

Also I've figured out why it's so difficult to go back to work after maternity leave. It's because the children finally get CUTE! And responsive.

Even my stroppy child, Kendra, has been rewarding me with lots of beautiful smiles and talking back to me.

Connor's always been very verbal and chats up a storm with me all the time. As my MIL says, "he only has eyes for his mother". Very complimentary but also scary because I don't want to be the only one who can comfort him...

I have such a lot to say (lots of noise in my head) and don't quite know where to start so let's do some bullets:

1. finished chapter 1 of sleep sense last night - all about how sleep works. I learned why the babies sometimes only sleep for 45 minutes.
2. very inspired by Mo's weight loss plan. STILL have my 0.5 kg to go - no surprise as I've been to gym twice this whole month and have not changed my eating habits at all.
   
3. Connor's started cereal. While he loves it, it's not quite doing what I thought I would. Night 1 he slept for 9 hours, then totally normal sleep for next 13 days. Then I increased to 2 tablespoons, again two nights of 7 hour stretches and the last two nights normal sleep again (4 hours).
4. I don't know how people "know" what to do with all this stuff - solids, sleep, stimulating them. I honestly feel like such a loser. They've had their pram for 9 weeks and we've been out 3 times. I'm too scared to take them out.
5. The babies still have not been to church. Beautiful. In 20 weeks!
6. Have a telephone meeting with my boss this afternoon. Hope it is all good - need to find out if I'll be in the same department or not when I get back.
   
7. 3 ladies pitched for interviews. In addition to last week's 2 so I had 5 to choose from in total. The last lady of the day was just delightful! Contacted agent to make her an offer (way above what she wanted), the agent's contacted her but no response yet. Why must everything be so hard?
   

And now I'm crying again. I think I need to go to gym just to get out of the house, get a different perspective and try to get rid of the stress.

Crying

The existing nanny, C

Last night I cried for the first time in about 10 weeks.

I just felt so overwhelmed by this nanny business. Or rather, lack of nanny business.

Especially since I go back to work on Thursday 3 Dec. I emailed my boss and all is set!

After I emailed the agent on 9th Nov, I kept emailing, but each time I put a slightly different spin on it so she wouldn't think I was a total nag.

I don't think it worked.

Anyway, long story short, but on the weekend before, I sent my old night nanny a text to ask her if she knew anyone who would be interested.

Confession - I was secretly hoping she'd say "I'm interested and will ditch my new job because I love your babies so much".

She phoned me to give me her friend's details and I interviewed said friend last Monday - nothing wrong, just no specific nanny experience although she has 3 kids and is looking after her grandchild now.

Eventually I cracked on the Tuesday and sent the agent a text saying what is going on? etc, etc.

She also has twins and said that the whole family had been sick with gastro but she would do her best to arrange interviews for the following afternoon.

Well, 3 ladies were supposed to arrive at 3 to be interviewed. Only 1 pitched and of course, then I don't want to see the others because if they're this lax about an interview, I can only imagine the attitude about actual work.

The lady was also fine. I wouldn't have a problem with her; just not wowed.

Again nothing from the agency which led to my "breakdown" last night.

Also, must confess I'm getting to a point where all the happy happy updates on Facebook are driving me nuts! Because I know things are not all sunshine and roses. I suppose it goes with how I like people to be authentic.

Oh, I then posted a real status update on FB and got some lovely comments and emails from my real friends :)

C with Kendra - yes, she's in blue - now wearing all Connor's clothes

I sent the agent a long email about how I was feeling (since we found the first nanny through her we've built up a bit of a friendship since we both have twins and both had the whole NICU experience) and I hoped she didn't mind but I'd been through her site and found 10 people who I'd like to interview.

But, I said to her, please make sure they can be here at 7am first before they even think of coming for an interview.

So she sent out the invites - will let me know later this evening who will be coming - I said I'll see 4 in the morning and 4 in the afternoon.

It's going to be a madhouse if they all pitch up. But I've gotten organised properly as if for work - written out my list of interview questions and hopefully I will stick to the script and stay on track.

Stay tuned!

Expectations, perspective and lots of crying

K's favourite position, with her bum in the air

Mandy asked in the comments if I was home yet.

Yes, I am. In South Africa, they keep you in the hospital for 3 nights after a C-section so I was discharged on Friday.


I'm still dealing with some noise in my head because of the suddenness of the babies' arrival.

The first thing I thought after my waters broke was "I'm only 32 weeks; this can't be happening to me". I expected to maybe be a week early at 35 weeks, but not 32 weeks!

The craziest things kept going through my head that morning, like...

• My hair's a mess (because I was going to have my hair coloured, washed and blow dried that afternoon)
• I'll have to cancel the pregnancy photography shoot (scheduled for 18th)
• I'll have to cancel our birthday party (D & I have just 10 days between the two birthdays. Normally we do a party on the weekend between the two; this year I'd brought forward the date by two weeks, just in case!)
  
• I still haven't even reached 70 kg (that morning I was still 69.9kg) and
  
• I'm only 32 weeks (over and over and over)
  

Of course this all paled into insignificance once they were born and once the paediatrician told us that blue Kendra was now a healthy pink Kendra :) and I was fine the rest of the day until I woke up on the Wednesday.

I was sharing a general ward with two other ladies who both had scheduled C-sections at 38 weeks, normal babies, etc, etc. The kind of people we infertiles love to hate :)

Well, these two were chatting away about really normal baby stuff - breastfeeding, etc, etc, and it suddenly hit me that MY babies should also be with me.

Why am I going through this all again? Have I not suffered enough? - you know the drill!

And then I started crying in earnest. Quiet but serious crying.

Then an amazing thing started happening. God always looks out for me like this.

I got text messages from 3 of my friends saying things like, "I remember day 2 being really hard for me. Just want to let you know I'm here for you" and similar.

Which of course makes you cry more :)

After a few hours I felt fine again, especially after D came to see me with the laptop!!!

Thursday was a good day and then I was discharged on Friday.

It's very, very weird to leave the hospital without your babies when you'd arrived pregnant a few days earlier.

The thing is on the Thursday evening a lady had had a natural birth but her child was stillborn. Terrible! But put things back in perspective for me because I was grateful that at least my babies were alive in there.

Thursday night - the first time I got to hold one of them. See, a good day.

Also, that Friday morning a new baby arrived in NICU. A nice, big baby at 38 weeks (3.4kg) but he had lung problems which again reminded me that I should be grateful that there is NOTHING wrong with my babies except they're small.

Anyway, had just got home when a friend phoned me and told me she's a bit jealous that I got to experience things with this birth that she never experienced nor would in the future.

She's had two babies and both times the deliveries were sudden, emergency Caesars due to high blood pressure. The doctor has now said no more babies as it's too dangerous for her health.

Honestly, I never even thought about that. But she's right. At least I got to feel what it was like having my waters break, I got to feel contractions all the way up to being 6cm dilated and then I got to experience the Caesar.

I love having friends who challenge you.

Yes, it was not my plan but those experiences have now made my life richer.

I have to keep saying that to myself because yesterday morning, I weighed myself and I've lost 5.1 of the 10.9 kg I gained. Multiply by 2.2 for pounds.

Other people would be happy but I cried and cried!

I also realised that I wasn't starving like I usually am (it really was the babies making me eat ALL the time) in the mornings, so MORE crying.

My eyes were swollen and red - it was terrible.

• I miss my preggy belly.
• I miss my babies' movements.
• I miss the on-demand pregnancy eating.
• I miss my glow :)

Today, no crying yet. So far, so good!

My hand on K

D's hand on C

Emotions

I've cried exactly twice since the night of my last egg retrieval.

The first time was at 11 weeks exactly because I'd stopped feeling tired, stopped peeing so much and of course, that meant that something had happened to the babies and they were dead inside.

I know I'm crazy!

If only I used my imagination for more worthwhile things.....

Of course, that day when I got home from work, my Baby Centre email was waiting for me and it said something like "your symptoms should start easing off because the baby is basically done developing all its major organs".

Wow - relief!

(I don't know if that's really something I just felt but I'd swear I just felt a small movement, like a bubble, from the bottom baby, baby A)

The second time was last week when I was going to my exercise class.

I got hopelessly lost getting there, was 10 minutes late, but still enjoyed the class. Then afterwards, I got even more lost because it was dark, I'd never driven there before and my map book was out of date so it didn't show me all the streets!

In Johannesburg, drivers are very impatient.

There were a number of cars driving right up behind my car and of course I was going 50 - 60km, squinting at the street signs in the dark, trying to figure out exactly where I was.

I couldn't see a thing, it was a single, long, winding street with absolutely no landmarks whatsoever. Eventually I prayed and what do you know, there was a petrol station.

I pulled in, put some petrol in my car and asked for directions. They didn't know how to explain to me where to go so I just pulled off in the general direction they pointed out to me and started crying.

Actually crying is too mild a word. I was SOBBING, imagining all the bad things that could happen to me. What if some crazy person pushed my car off the road, and did unthinkable things to the 3 of us?

As an aside, I'm really not a fearful person in the least so I think this is baby-induced. I suddenly get that it's not just me anymore; there are two little babies inside of me, depending on ME!

Anyway, eventually I saw a sign pointing to a hospital kind-of in my house's general direction so I took the turn, followed my nose and eventually got home.

The drive home should have taken about 10 minutes. It took me 35 minutes!

When I got home, I pulled into the driveway and just sat there, emotionally drained. D came outside and I got out of the car and he hugged me and I just started crying again.

And of course, I could tell I was scaring him because I wasn't talking and he was trying not to panic but remember, this is NOT me!

Eventually I told him the story. The crazy thing is I STILL don't know how to get there or back. So here's our solution...I'll take one class close to my work and one there every week. BUT he'll drop me off, go to his gym, and then come collect me again until I feel confident enough to drive there by myself.

He also went to buy me an updated map book so I feel much better now.

My boss asked me (when he overheard me telling this story) why I don't just get a GPS system.

Well, hello! I'm cheap frugal! I don't believe in paying R5000 when I can pay R100 for a map book. Plus I believe that people who use GPS are simply lazy to read a map book :)

So far so good!

Tomorrow (hopefully, if the babies are good) we'll get to see their sex!

It's hitting me now

I don't know what's been going on with me this week. Well, maybe I'm ovulating.

As an aside, I'm the most uneducated infertile I know. I never know which day I'm on and when I get my period, it's always a surprise to me. When I had breakfast with my friends after the terrible news, my one friend said something like, "I'm on day 13" or whatever and I remember being amazed. I still am.

Anyway...on Tuesday, driving home from work, I had my car radio on very softly (I don't like noise after work - I like to calm down) and the routine of the drive plus the quietness got me thinking about the baby thing and I just got so depressed.

This is not me. I don't get depressed.

I thought once I got home, I'd snap out of it but noooo. I literally walked in and went to sit on a chair like a zombie (handbag still over my shoulder) just staring into space.

That's how my hubby found me when he got home about 15 minutes later.

I can see he's worried about me. As I said, this is not me.

And the thing is I don't know why I feel so hopeless. After all, we have a plan.

I think I'm getting ahead of myself to a "what if it doesn't work again?". Someone from the infertility support group had a negative on her 3rd IVF. She said to me that she was SO sure this one would work.

So today, same thing happens. Driving home, soft music and it just got all too much so I started crying. The driver behind me in a big 4 X 4 (you guys call it an SUV) saw me weeping. You had to see her face! She actually widened her following distance (wise move, actually, I would have done the same) in case I lost it and couldn't control the car.

I find I don't care about the crying. The other day I'd had an awful day and I literally got into my car, started driving out of the basement and burst into tears. Of course the work thing led to the baby thing.... And I cried and cried all the way home. I'm aware that other drivers can see me but I couldn't care less what they think of me.

I hope this stops soon. It's weird getting used to this new emotional person.

So this is my cheap therapy - blogging - and actually I feel better getting it out here.

*tomorrow I have feedback about the salary issue I raised. Pray for me. I need them to fix my salary so I can afford to pay for this next IVF cycle more easily. Somehow I know nothing good will happen but where would I be without hope?