Embryo transfer - two!

taken as a self-portrait

Arrived at the clinic this morning with the same girl from my infertility group. When we got upstairs, we found one of the other couples there and of course, started speculating about the other two couples.

After a few minutes, the one with the bad egg retrieval experience arrived.

We were called in for our ET chat with Dr V. Of those 4 embryos, 2 had stopped dividing today and were both still at 6 cells. One was at 8 cells and one at 9 cells so we're transferring those two.

Went down to the theatre and got started with drinking all the water. One of the ladies jumped the queue so when she was done it was my turn.

Dr J was there and I told him, "please be gentle with me" to which he says, "am I not always gentle?"

Yes, he actually is. His scans are the best because they are not painful in the least.

Anyway, he was BRILLIANT (no pain - last time it was sore when they tried to put the catheter into my cervix) and I pronounced him the BEST at doing this. He laughed but I think he was pleased.

During the procedure he kept saying, "relax" and I said, "I can't" so he said, "nonsense, you can do anything you put your mind to". I like that strong talking so I started relaxing.

Anyway, I am now pregnant until proven otherwise.

Came home after sorting out the payment at the clinic and slept for four hours, woke to do a teleseminar and then went to sleep again with no problems.

Cells are multiplying beautifully

Our instruction sheet says to phone the clinic between 8 and 10am to check on the embryology.

Well, I was so scared that none of our eggs would have fertilised that I waited and waited and waited...eventually my friend emails me at 9.45 and says, "so?????"

To which I replied, "I'm terrified to phone in case the news is bad" so she reminded me that Dr G would have already phoned me.

So then I plucked up the courage and got that great fertilisation report.

************************

Today, same story but not as nerve-wracking.

The nurse said, "you have 4 that are all moving along great".

So everything is set for embryo transfer tomorrow.

Fertilisation

Oh my word, I can't believe it

3 eggs fertilised normally and there is 1 maybe.

WOW

Egg retrieval - were you awake?

Yesterday after all our eggs had been retrieved, we all started talking in the ward and the one lady said this was her 2nd IVF.

The first one was at another clinic where she was AWAKE during the egg retrieval. Very long story short but they punctured her uterus, bleeding, infection, etc. and they only (!) got about 25 of the eggs even though there were 37 follicles because she was in too much pain.

I listened to this with my mouth literally hanging open.

I remember when Dr G first explained the process to me and he mentioned "conscious sedation". You are numbed from pain but will hear the doctor and nurses working.

I was horrified - what if I still feel something? what if I move and something dreadful happens? What if? What if? What if?

They told me that they've never had a lady feel a thing - they make sure of that. Of course, I don't believe doctors when they say that. First of all, they're men and second, they call painful things "discomfort" so what do they know.

But then, surprisingly, my first ER was exactly that - totally painless. I don't know what they put in that needle but it totally knocked me out.

So when I read this on Clio's blog and realised that not every clinic puts you out.

How do the rest of you do it?

Also, last time I asked the doctor if the PIO injections were better than the pessaries. He said no, the pessaries are better because they're local, they go to the site quickly. The injections go through the blood first so a reduced amount gets to where they need to. So pessaries it is - I wear pads so they don't mess up my panties.

This is the part I hate

Last night I was so emotional - I even cried a bit.

I'm so scared that nothing will fertilise because we did not discuss the IVF/ ICSI thing and I was so out of it afterwards, I forgot to ask them.

I do know they didn't charge me for ICSI, only for normal IVF.

Egg retrieval

We were late because of the traffic, but not badly (only 15 minutes).

Four of us there - of course we all recognised each other from the waiting room but no-one talks except me.

One of the girls from the infertility support group was there so I started chatting to her.

Mine was scheduled for 9.30 but I was shown to the second slot (they position you as you're scheduled) because I'd been moved up in the queue.

I thought it was because those follicles were so big (maybe they were scared that they could burst - this is just my imagination running wild??? what does happen if they grow too big?) but later found out it's because of our sperm issues. Ahem!

Anyway, got my vital signs checked and I'd just managed to write out one Christmas card and a few notes in my notebook when they were ready for me. Oy!

This time they put the IV in my wrist so it was SORE. I have very, very thin wrists. There is NO fat whatsoever so it basically feels like they're stabbing a bone!

All I remember is Dr J (are you confused about all the doctors? There are 3 of them and they all work together however your doctor consults with you, especially when they have to tell you bad news) saying, "you're going to feel very relaxed; go with that feeling", I took a deep breath and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in the ward.

So the good news is this - THEY GOT FIVE EGGS out of five follicles. I was jubilant. Remember last time I had 10 follicles and 6 eggs, so being the factual person I am, I'd calculated 60% of 5 follicles is 3 eggs!

This retrieval was a bit more uncomfortable than the last time and a lot more blood. I know, gross, but hey, I have to keep a record somewhere!

Spent the rest of the day laying around at home, and on the computer, catching up with business tasks.

You'd think I'd have a rest from the needles

but no, had to have another blood test today.

Didn't wait for the results because we had to get to church.

Had a lovely quiet day once we were home from church, relaxing and doing lots of nothing.

Strict instructions were to eat nothing after midnight. I'm a night owl so I decided to sleep early - after all, early start tomorrow. Have to be there at 7am.

My adventures in triggering

Went for my scan and yet another blood test (estrogen 4700).

Today the follicles were at 22mm and at 21mm. Endometrium was 12mm.

Only problem with triggering was my long-awaited-for Rod Stewart concert.

They told me to do my injection at 9.30pm, 15 minutes on either side of 9.30 was okay but nothing more.

Well, Rod Stewart's show started at 8pm and he was scheduled to perform for 90 minutes.

I started getting anxious because they won't allow men to come into the female loos and of course, vice versa, not that I'd want to go in the male loos, because men are dirty!

And they usually don't allow pass-outs so no quick dash to the car and dash back.

Then my husband had a brilliant idea - we should go to the First Aid room and do it there.

The clinic gave me a letter and put all of the needles and amps in an envelope which was sealed. So no-one noticed anything when my bag was searched BUT we were early so we asked where the first aid room was and...it was ALL THE WAY on the other side of the venue.

They don’t let you walk around in sections you don’t belong in so you have to radio the medics to come collect you and since I didn’t look like I was dying...huge schlep, lots of explaining to do!

Amazingly, God was shining His favour on us because at 9:10 there was a short 10-minute break.

Of course, everybody dashes out of their seats so it's definitely going to be impossible to get all the way to where we have to be.

So I decided to shoot up right there in my seat!

I turned to the couple behind us and said, "listen, I’m not a druggie, I just need to have an injection RIGHT NOW and it's going to take me too long to get to the first aid section" He said, “go right ahead” and we did. I mixed the two vials, handed the needle to DH and he jabbed me. I think I was so geared up for the injection that it wasn’t even sore.

The concert was brilliant but more importantly, my eggs were safely triggered!

Day 8 scan - last day of injectibles

Today the "leading" follicles were 19 mm plus and the stragglers were at 16mm

Dr G said to reduce the dosage to 3 amps of Menopur and of course, have to have Cetrotide too.

No trigger today.

Also had to have a blood test - my estrogen was something like 4300?

So back tomorrow for yet another scan!

Day 7 - scan 3

Today my follicles are 17mm plus, some at 14, and my endometrium was 11,4mm. He wants me to have one more day with 4 amps of Menopur and, of course, the Cetrotide daily too. He wants to try get some of those 14mm ones ready. The goal is 18mm...and they grow about 2mm a day.

I'm finding with this cycle that I'm much more assertive. Let me just clarify - I have no problem being assertive generally but since this is all new to me, I generally haven't asked TOO many questions.

Not so this time around.

I want all the answers - yesterday I asked the nurse what my estrogen and progesterone levels were for the day 2 blood test (E 100, P 1.5). I assume that's fine since no one phoned me?

Just googled it - seems okay.

Today I said to the one nurse straight after the scan – please can I have a syringe and then where can we go to quickly do the injections? So she got it for me and showed me to an empty room. I'd planned to make a fuss today if they hassled me about a stupid syringe. All that money deserves some benefits!

So I assume tomorrow is trigger shot (if everything grows beautifully - will have to talk to the 14mm ones to GROW) and retrieval is on Sunday...so no interfering with Rod Stewart LOL

Day 6 update - 2nd scan

There are 3 follicles on the one side and 2 on the other – I'm hoping that because there aren't many, they'll be more mature and we'll actually have eggs!

(however the switch to different medication hasn't resulted in loads of eggs as we were hoping so I'm not sure what we're going to do about the ICSI/ normal IVF thing)

BUT they are already at 14 and 15mm so they'll be monitoring me daily – have to go back tomorrow. He also reduced my dosage to 4 amps a day.

So I said to my husband while Dr V was scanning me, "I hope this doesn't interfere with Rod Stewart". So Dr V says, "when is his show?" And when I said Saturday he said, "we do the procedures in the morning anyway". I said I know, but I was totally out of it that ENTIRE day.

I was so cross earlier – we don't have alcohol swabs or syringes so I've been using the swabs from the cetrotide boxes and the syringes from the previous cycle (Gonal F ones) because you don't get the syringes with the boxes of Menopur.

The nurse says, "sorry, we can't give them to you if you're buying your own medication". I could see my hubby's face next to me but I told her, "well, can I use the cetrotide syringe afterwards to mix the menopur?" knowing full well I couldn't but I didn't quite feel like fighting.

"Oh no", she says so then she reluctantly gives me one swab and one syringe.

Started cetrotide today - first time this cycle it really hurt - that could also be because I'm actually properly awake when I'm getting these injections whereas when we do them at home, I'm half asleep :)

How are you all doing?

NY times article on infertility and surrogacy

I just read this NY times article on infertility because several IF blogs linked to it.

First let me start off by saying that the author had some opinions that I raised my eyebrow at, but hey, it's her baby - she can pick whoever she wants and if she wants someone with a computer, fine with me.

Also, it's her right to pursue motherhood at all costs - nobody knows a particular couple's circumstances and why they make particular choices. I don't think I would spend $100 000 but then again, I don't know. We're not in their position, we don't have their money and if we did, who knows?

One of the IVF blogs wrote that they don't know if they could do 11 IVFs as this lady did. I'll paste my comment that I wrote on her blog.

"I also don't know that I could do that...but then again, I also said I'd never do IVF and here I am on my 2nd cycle. I guess the lines in the sand keep shifting according to our circumstances.

But I'll tell you something else - I am shocked at the judgement and intolerance of people. I really don't care whether the author is out and out evil (she's not) - nobody has the right to judge their choices and post all kinds of horrible comments.

This is exactly why we often keep our infertility a secret. It's because we're assaulted by this kind of ignorance that we feel shame. And we shouldn't.

I honestly didn't even consider the views of so many of the commenters.

I have very strong opinions on most things (!) but if I don't agree with people, I do respect their rights to their own opinions and I certainly do respect their choices.

I can't believe the comments, that say, amongst others...

Why would infertile people want to have biological children? What if they pass some disease along to their offspring? (I guess fertile people don't pass those same diseases along?)

Why don't infertile people save the world and adopt? (I don't speak for others but each couple's decisions are different. For us, it's not about just being parents. We want a biological child and until they tell us it's impossible, we'll keep trying.)

Why is it selfish for infertile people to pursue treatment? Is it because the money's being spent on children?

Why is it wrong for infertile people to use THEIR money as they want?

Coming back to the adoption...yes, there are lots of kids in the world, many of them available for adoption. But that doesn't take away the desire in a woman (and man) to have a child.

Please weigh in with your opinions. Tell me if I'm going crazy or what you feel

IVF no. 2 - it starts again

I'm behind with blogging but I'll date these posts correctly so they post in the right order.

So the period started on Tuesday night, Wed was day 1 and I went in for the scan on Thursday morning.

Everything normal although I nearly started crying. The nurse said to me, "you look a bit apprehensive" and I said, "yes, the glow from the first cycle is gone". Oh dear.

Went for blood tests - I assume everything was okay since I didn't get any phone calls telling me otherwise.

My pharmacy could only get my medication delivered by Friday so I had to buy my first 5 amps from the clinic. It kills me. Let me show you - a whole box of 10 at the pharmacy costs R1600 and 5 amps at the clinic cost R1200.

I'm on 5 amps of Menopur daily for 5 days - have to go for a scan on day 6 which is when I'll start the Cetrotide.

We totally forgot to take ANY pictures our first time around so this time I had the camera handy. The blurriness is because I'm petrified and shaking. You'd think those 21 days of injections got me used to it - ummm, no!

Ouch!

On the bright side, imagine how much MORE sore it would be if I didn't have the fat roll :)

I'm clearly going mad

I've never had a cycle longer than 26 days for the last 3 years or so. I say "or so" because that's when I started noticing all these things.

Anywayyyyy, so as it approached day 26 with still no sign of sore breasts or chocolate cravings, I started getting hopeful.

What if? What if,by some weird reason, I actually got pregnant naturally?

Stranger things have happened!

There's actually someone in our infertility support group who fell pregnant after an IVF on her own. I am incredulous!

So day 26 comes and goes, 27 comes and goes and I think - this must be it. But no, day 28 comes and goes.

Well, last night on day 32 (!) there was some pink on the toilet paper, and the craziness begins again.

Today it's there in full force (literally) so I suppose I need to get my medication sorted out today.

A total waste of time

The last 15 months have been a complete and utter waste of time. I've just had my salary discussion and basically, I'll only get a normal increase this year.

Nothing's changed. I'm on the same percentile in my salary band as I was 15 months ago because I still need to "grow into the role" after 3 years, which is rubbish.

But basically, for the first time, they are being honest. Or maybe it's me who's finally reading the writing on the wall.

I'm clearly not valued here even though I love the team and work environment so in addition to the other stuff happening in my life, I will have to look for another job.

I can't wait for this increase if only because it gives me a better bargaining position from which to look for a new job.

I am crying (no surprise there!) and miserable, but so, so angry!

It's hitting me now

I don't know what's been going on with me this week. Well, maybe I'm ovulating.

As an aside, I'm the most uneducated infertile I know. I never know which day I'm on and when I get my period, it's always a surprise to me. When I had breakfast with my friends after the terrible news, my one friend said something like, "I'm on day 13" or whatever and I remember being amazed. I still am.

Anyway...on Tuesday, driving home from work, I had my car radio on very softly (I don't like noise after work - I like to calm down) and the routine of the drive plus the quietness got me thinking about the baby thing and I just got so depressed.

This is not me. I don't get depressed.

I thought once I got home, I'd snap out of it but noooo. I literally walked in and went to sit on a chair like a zombie (handbag still over my shoulder) just staring into space.

That's how my hubby found me when he got home about 15 minutes later.

I can see he's worried about me. As I said, this is not me.

And the thing is I don't know why I feel so hopeless. After all, we have a plan.

I think I'm getting ahead of myself to a "what if it doesn't work again?". Someone from the infertility support group had a negative on her 3rd IVF. She said to me that she was SO sure this one would work.

So today, same thing happens. Driving home, soft music and it just got all too much so I started crying. The driver behind me in a big 4 X 4 (you guys call it an SUV) saw me weeping. You had to see her face! She actually widened her following distance (wise move, actually, I would have done the same) in case I lost it and couldn't control the car.

I find I don't care about the crying. The other day I'd had an awful day and I literally got into my car, started driving out of the basement and burst into tears. Of course the work thing led to the baby thing.... And I cried and cried all the way home. I'm aware that other drivers can see me but I couldn't care less what they think of me.

I hope this stops soon. It's weird getting used to this new emotional person.

So this is my cheap therapy - blogging - and actually I feel better getting it out here.

*tomorrow I have feedback about the salary issue I raised. Pray for me. I need them to fix my salary so I can afford to pay for this next IVF cycle more easily. Somehow I know nothing good will happen but where would I be without hope?

Embryo transfer

This pic was taken while I was drinking glass after glass of water, before my one little embryo was transferred.

Of course we thought this is it - the last time we have to come to this place.

I don't take no for an answer

Look what I found on my camera!

From top
1 - 9 days post transfer
2 - 10 days post transfer
3 - 12 days post transfer
4 - 14 days post transfer (day before first blood test)

To Christi

Christi, I've been thinking about you so much.

How are you doing? How's your cycle?

I don't think my emails are getting through to you...

I'm at leigh1010 AT gmail DOT com :)

We have a plan!

I'm realising so much about myself through this whole crazy exercise:

* that I'm a lot stronger and more resilient than I thought
* that I'm okay as long as I have a plan and therefore, something to look forward to
* that I can focus in and block out non-essentials
* that I can find money if I look hard enought and get creative enough

We had our follow-up appointment with Dr G today and got all our questions answered.

Basically, nothing "went wrong". In fact, he cited a couple of positives:

1. we know that my eggs work
2. we know that DH's sperm works
3. we know that I can get pregnant

I was curious to know why, if we did ICSI, only 1 out of 6 fertilised normally. Dr G said it may be that my eggs don't like the needles. My husband says "yes, I think so because she HATES needles so I'm sure her eggs would hate needles too" LOL

We are going to start again next period (end Nov) and change the medication slightly (shorter protocol - less needles - YAYYYY) - the aim is more eggs so we can leave some to try and fertilise naturally (what is natural, anymore?!) and still do some with ICSI.

I'm an (almost) happy girl because I have a plan! And I'm celebrating by going back to dance class after about 6 weeks of absolutely no exercise (which is very clear by the size of my butt).

How are all of you doing?