By my new definition of a "good day", today was a good day because I didn't cry at work.
But it was a tough one.
I can't explain how exhausting it is 1) not saying anything 2) overthinking everything before you speak in case your own words are used against you 3) having knots of anxiety for most of the day except when I walk away from my desk.
Anyway, after a very tense and tough meeting (even now thinking about it, I'm tearing up again), I went to my desk, tried to calm down and 5 minutes later, the messenger brought me a very unexpected and gorgeous package from this lovely friend.
Which very nearly made me cry for different reasons :)
Thank you so much!
As I drove home, of course the tears came and I realised that of all the days I've cried in the last 8.5 months (yes, I'm counting), about 95% of the incidents have been Mondays. What a sad state of affairs.
I'm trying not to be impatient and walk through this thing step-by-step with God but it's soooo hard.
I thought about it recently and I do believe it's been harder for me than the infertility.
That was 10% of my life but the rest of it was going well.
This is turning me into someone I don't recognise very often, especially for those 9 hours daily.
My infertility ended on Christmas Eve 2008 and I'm begging God to be merciful again because really, I can't start 2014 like this.
Also Robyn, remember how I said I have a feeling I'm going to have to endure this til the end of the year? Um, yes....
What was the longest period you've gone through a really hard time?
Wow, Marcia...that definitely puts things in perspective. :/
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got a middle-of-the-day pick-me-up, at least. I know there are so many of us thinking of you, lifting you up daily. I hope it helps in some small way.
Continued hugs....
At least it's Mondays? They are supposed to be bad. Sorry my friend.
ReplyDeleteI suppose my divorce was the hardest? Not the marriage but the fighting for nearly 4 years to get divorced *sigh*
Thinking of you xx
PS: Kiara just told me it's 43 days until Christmas so hold onto that :)) Nearly time for a break!
I am also crying way to much at work these days Marcia...so f-ing sick and tired of it. I am now just focusing all my mental energy on getting through December because I need the leave for Nicola's school closing.
ReplyDeleteCome January I will most definitely hatching exit strategies until one gets me out of here. It will be a high focus area for me - that's a promise.
Oh gosh , must be exhausting. I am just so tired - I need this year to be over! Its been a super tough one. And what a lovely surprise - I have an idea what it is as I got a lovely one today from her.
ReplyDelete7 years of infertility nearly did me and my marriage in. Thank God for His grace and mercy we came out the "other side" stronger and with a gorgeous blessing.
ReplyDeletexxx
PS - praying for you EVERYDAY.
xxx
Sending hugs xxx hope things improve.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
ReplyDeleteWOW. Ok that statement about this being worse than the infertility ... sjoe... TEARS TEARS TEARS my friend!!!!! Well this year has proved very difficult for us, as you know... and even now that it's gotten better, I'm now facing another challenge with Byron working away.. but in between this season, so many other good things are still happening. And I think the thing that keeps us going is acknowledging even the small blessings while we wait on the BIG miracle. HUGS xxx
ReplyDeleteOh, Marcia....I was so hoping and praying that things were getting better. I am so very sorry that things are so bad. Keeping you in prayer.
ReplyDeleteOne thing our pastor commented about last Sunday was it is in our trials and tribulations that we get closer to God. As hard and difficult as the challenging season is, I can see how thoughtful you have become and how you are continuing to change. Although it's hard to not know when the ending of the hard season is going to be, I continually tell myself "day-by-day." We have to live in the moment, trusting that God is in control. I know it's hard - especially for us planners. Praying for you in this season friend. xoxo
ReplyDelete