Why don't you want to leave?
And I started replying and then I realised....
OH MY HAT. I don't know why anymore.
I do still love the company but I'm starting to feel like something Dr Phil once said (oh how I miss watching Dr Phil - is he still on the free TV because we have nothing that one would pay for) about women leaving relationships.
"Is it him, or is it the IDEA of him?"
Hmmm.
So I've been pondering this too.
Do I really love the company, or is it the idea of the company?
And I'm really starting to get the sense that I should not be as attached to the place as I am. Objectively I do realise (as some of you have pointed out to me) that no one should be this unhappy
Still, every time I picture myself leaving for the last time, I just start sobbing.
I had a chat with a colleague about parenting and what-not on Thursday and we were saying how we're both bad at letting go with our kids, and that's when it hit me -
Maybe all this stuff that's happening is to help me to let go?
 |
| 2008 - the end of which was my previous "worst year" |
I hope you're having a fabulous weekend. I've been trawling job sites for about 3 hours this evening and there's nothing suitable, so I ate a Cadbury's Fruit and Nut slab, and now I'm going to go read my Cathy Kelly!
What are you up to?
I have spent today decluttering myself into a frenzy and am about to get into bed. Lance and I just polished off a pack of shortbread biscuits. VERY decadent with some tea.
ReplyDeleteI used to have the same problem with letting go. Now it somehow doesn't phase me. Did I tell you that I terminated the aftercare lady's services a few weeks ago? She annoyed me. So I told her that she's fired. We've been struggling with the after school routine especially now that exams are over but the peace I feel without having her in my happy bubble is like out of this world! IT is BEAUTIFUL and I have only just realised how much she was draining me - I had to let her go first before I could get to that point.
It's obviously easier to let go of things that are not material to me and of things that are not integral to my identity and at the core of who I am, but once you start, it gets easier. I simply don't attach value to "things" anymore. Certain relationships, yes. Certain situations, NO. I can't quite tell you how this issue got healed - I guess it's just normal for me now to let it go if it no longer serves me. I need to think some more about when it got better.
My 2c worth. I think that you are in love with the who idealogy (is that a word) of the Company that you work for. You love the idea. YOu love the premises, the buildings, the furnishings, the venue etc etc. But do you love your team? No. Do you love your boss? No. Do you love who you mostly interact with all day? No. You used to love what you do, but you don't anymore. I would just leave! As difficult as it is xxx
ReplyDeleteI think you are getting to your next step now my dear friend. It will be the letting go and knowing that the Lord has your back. I continue to pray for you and for clarity in your way forward. xxx
ReplyDeleteI think I agree with Shayne.
ReplyDeleteIt's also a fear of the unknown really... it's easier staying there in some way because you know it, you know what's going to happen and you don't have to guess.
((hugs)) hope you find something soon
These are good questions to ask yourself. For me, I didn't chose this job...I kind of fell into it at a time where I was very vunrable. From the get go I have found it near to brain dead...but it paid well and gave me some stability. You do something for so long you start telling yourself you can't do better, even though you know you can!
ReplyDeleteThis weekend was nice and easy going, except that I picked up a tummy unhappy at our year end function (that was all of Saturday), and I think I broke my toe against a rocking horse this afternoon. Apparently my body wants more downtime? ;-)
I do often think that things happen in our life to teach us the lessons we need at that time. It may be a way to teach you to let go. Recognizing in always the first step. It won't be instantaneous, but a gradual practice over time.
ReplyDeleteI'm having a great weekend. Had class this Friday and Saturday, went out with friends and Tom last night - Phoebe babysat, and today Tom and Phoebe are shopping for groceries for Thanksgiving, while I'm cleaning and doing laundry. Later we have friends coming over for dinner and I'll start cooking the pumpkins for the pumpkin pies and peeling and cutting apples for the apple pies.
The team at school is doing great! We had a really good term and we think it's because we're so open minded more than other teams. We're extremely creative and productive. We named our team United Nations of Villanova because we are all originally from places all over: Iran, India, Taiwan, the Philippines and then there's me from the USA. Pretty cool, eh?
By the way, I still love when you say, "Oh my hat!" It's the best!
I am terrible with handling any change in my life -an I am starting to wonder if this is not about that. If the company, place, buildings, people is not a stability for you and that you hate changing this? I think you need to go. Full stop. Although I do know it will be very hard.
ReplyDeleteWe had a great Saturday - the boys' first Judo tournament and a visit to granny
What Shayne said! Having "just left" a similar situation I know it is possible. As scary and as hard as it is - you DO survive and you get through and things work out.
ReplyDeleteLife is too short to spend 7/8/9 hours being miserable!!!!
Letting go is not for sissies!!! But you have to trust that things will work out and let God direct your steps which can only happen if you let go.
ReplyDeleteDid you get my long winded comment? Sorry, I'm not sure even which post I put it on now, but it's recent.
ReplyDeleteDo you mind if I ask you some hard hitting questions? Who would you be if you could never work again? Who would you be if you could never blog again (in this I'm referring to your guidance to take a social media fast)?
Would you still be "good enough" in your own mind, even if you never again worked for someone who validated you and acknowledged you? (Of course you will, but do you see where I'm going?)