It's pantomime time

I am undecided whether to take our 16-month-old twins to the pantomime.

Some background first:

My company buys out the entire theatre for two shows on a Saturday so that everyone can go to the panto.

In the years before babies, D and I used to go and enjoy the show. I did not enjoy the social aspect as I was infertile.

One year I remember running out of there and bursting into tears at seeing all the happy families.

Another year I had to cancel at the last minute because my laparoscopy was suddenly booked for the Friday before.

Last year was, of course, crazy - I can't even remember what I did the first four months, so panto was NOT high on my priority list.

The strange thing is I know I sent out a weekly newsletter, I was coaching one or two clients, I only hope I made sense because it feels like I was on auto-pilot but not consciously there.

Does anyone relate?

Anyway, back to the panto.

So, according to the company, ANY child can go, no matter what age.

I've heard all sorts of opinions.

• I asked on Twitter and Cat told me the theatres have a "no under 3s rule".
• Another FB friend and former client said her son went at 17 months and was fine.
• I suppose I will feel weird being there if the kids aren't with me. Especially since we do actually now have kids.
• D is not keen on taking the kids as he "wants to enjoy the performance".

Just to spice things up, or clarify my thinking, I thought I'd ask you guys too.

So, would you take the kids? Should I?

Honesty

I was reading a blog by a pregnant woman who's been getting some extremely honest advice.

Either Canadians are a lot more honest than South Africans or I associate with people who just can't be brutally honest.

I've spoken before about how I felt lied to by such a lot of people who just acted as if everything motherhood was a breeze.

One friend said to me one day, "but honestly, Marcia, did you and (insert name of other mutual friend here) really think having a baby was going to be easy?"

And I said, "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

Yes, I was deluded. I felt sure that since I was/ am super organised, a hard worker, energetic, etc. this motherhood thing would be a breeze.

We harboured romantic views of the babies in the cots, sweetly sleeping and not SCREAMING! LOL

There was only one woman who was honest with me, a twin mom at my work.

When I told her I was pregnant with twins, I rubbed my preggy belly and smiled the smile of advertisements and she said, "my husband nearly had a nervous breakdown when they were 8 months"

I laughed and she said, "I'm not even joking".

When I got back to work after my maternity leave, I asked the two mothers who were in the office at the time why they lied and didn't tell me the truth about the craziness, sleep deprivation, etc.

The one said, "but you wouldn't have believed us"

And I'm afraid that is probably true.

Although it would have been nice to at least know that I wasn't going crazy being the only person who was going off her head because of two, really tiny, screaming babies.

These days I am honest with pregnant people but I do tell them that it's normal to not "take to it" immediately and that it's just about survival for the first 3 months or longer (as I experienced).

A colleague of mine said her friends say she's scaring them when she's honest but she said "rather that than be lied to like others have done to me"

So, where do you fall on the honesty spectrum?

Do you just smile and let the new moms figure it out themselves or do you feel that it's kind of your duty to let them know it's not all sunshine and roses?

P.S. As I've said before, I love the babies, just not the newborn stage.

P.P.S. Another colleague of mine (yes, I work with a very fertile bunch) is 36 w pregnant and said she's petrified of the newborn thing as she remembers it so well. This 2nd baby was not planned by them (I believe all babies are planned by God).

Something strange is happening

I've written before about how V sometimes comes in on a Saturday if I have an event to go to or if D and I need to run lots of errands quickly.

As you know, quick errands and babies do not go together in the same sentence.

Nevertheless, the last time we did one of these babysitting days, a few Saturdays ago, I actually felt guilty leaving them at home with V.

It is VERY strange because:

1. I don't generally feel guilty
2. It felt like they should be with us because we're a family!

What's that all about?

I suppose I'm just delayed and the rest of the world felt like this from the beginning whereas I just wanted to escape?

Coupled with this guilt thing, I'm finding that I'm being a lot more intentional with my time.

I'm really thinking hard about whether I want to spend (waking) time away from the babies and if I do, then I want my time away from them to count.

Quick example...

I went to a women's event last Sat that was hosted by our church. The theme was romance so I thought, "great. we could do with some jazzing up" and I went.

Well, the theme should have been "God as the great Romancer" or something like that because there was not a single thing about marriage, etc. and I was very cross.

I found myself resenting the time I was spending away from the babies and after I wallowed a little, I gave myself a talking-to and determined to get as much as I could, since I was there.

Still...

We have a thing going on in our Fertility Babies group where it's "moms only" for two groups, and then for the 3rd one, we can bring babies with us.

Technically speaking, that is.

As in it's never happened with me.

I didn't take the babies for the first two and then felt so "out" I just stopped going to the "with babies" groups.

But I think I'm finally getting why the other mothers want their babies with them.

I think I'd have no qualms about it if we had the meetings at night and maybe shared supper together. Kind of like a book club, but for ex-infertiles :)

Because I have absolutely no second thoughts going to gym or movies or coaching... but only once the babies are asleep.

Does this seem weird to you? Anyone relate?

P.S. Toddler Sense was very interesting!
P.P.S. Katherine, I thought of you running your race as I drove to the seminar this morning :)

Get on the floor and other helpful tips

The afternoon session of the Babysense seminar was for older babies and since the morning session was like an antenatal class, there were a LOT of pregnant women who stayed on for my session.

It was actually quite freaky as everyone was either pregnant or had a little baby with them!

I went alone and didn't know a single person there, except Dr S who looked a bit lost amongst all the women :)

I met one twin mom of 7-month-old twins who, when I asked who was looking after them, said "this is my me time" a little bit defensively so I gather people had been giving her some uphill. I reassured her and said, "I TOTALLY agree. Have FUN!"

There was another lady who really was a fantastic ad for a twin pregnancy - all glowing and beautiful (I felt just a tiny bit jealous) - who had a serious case of the twin romance. Her friend asked me if mine were a handful and I said, "oh YES!" and to her, "get lots of help - seriously". I handed out my card :)

I like to sit near the back so I can make a quick dash for the loos (bathrooms) the minute there's a break.

The seminar itself was fantastic as ALL the speakers clearly were experts and knew their stuff well.

Things I didn't like was that it seemed just a tad disorganised (not enough signage, the ticket said it started at 1 and it started at 1:30, seating was auditorium-style so no place to rest my notebook except on my lap and the babies...).

At the start of the seminar the lady said that the babies had to go to the babysitting area (they'd arranged free babysitting) or if you wanted your baby with you, to please leave the auditorium the minute the baby started making a noise as it wasn't fair to the other people who had arranged babysitting.

Fantastic! Or so I thought.

Well, the same thing happened as at Elton John.Some people listened and others blatantly ignored her and just stayed in the room with mewling babies. Gosh, I was cross.

I find it so incredibly selfish - we have ALL paid money and we're ALL looking forward to some time out. What gives some people the right to do that?

The speakers were so good that I didn't want to miss out on anything... otherwise I would have found an organiser to move those people.

You know those feedback forms?

Well, my feeling is if you ask for feedback, you're going to get it so I made them a long list of things they did well (food, fantastic notebooks with speakers' notes, actual content) and things they need to fix for next year.

My Dr S probably saved me thousands of rands by sharing which illnesses/ symptoms to worry about and which you don't need to bring baby to the paed. He actually spoke himself out of LOTS of money :) And I learned that most things don't need an anti-biotic (which I hate but that's a story for another post).

Natalie, you asked about the stimulating your baby section... well, some take-outs...


1. don't leave baby in car seats
2. make sure they have tummy time
3. don't use walking rings/ jolly jumpers for more than 5 - 10 mins a day (please do NOT fight with me - I know some of you love your walking rings (have at it!) - I am reporting what was said... )

visual no-nos

1. overstimulation
2. mobiles over cots
3. no TV

The best things you can do to stimulate your baby is simply to read to your baby and get down on the floor and play with them (also very good for their gross motor development if you chase them around).

One I'm great at (my constant huge pile of laundry is evidence) and one I suck at.

How many times can you read "Poppy cat and the rainy day"???

(although it is very cute when Kendra points that tiny little finger at the cat and says meow)

If only I could crawl faster. Connor and I had a race on Sunday and he won! (shameful)

If there was even the slightest bit of doubt in my mind about having more babies (if I had a spare R100 000 since my eggs are two years older, I'm sure it would take at least 2 IVFs), the workshop on Saturday put it all to rest. Hearing all those new baby sounds... um, no thanks.

Also last night I decided to switch back to my old phone because I simply enjoy it better (and who cares if the current one's newer) and I watched a few videos on there of my babies when they were 4 months old. OH MY WORD - the sounds are different, they look different, they couldn't do anything but cry just like...BABIES! :)

Now I have gorgeous, BIG babies who I can toss around, chase around the house, understand, communicate with; it is fantastic!

I am so, SO done with tiny babies.

Which are your favourite books for your babies? And do you get down on the floor enough?

These gorgeous pics were taken at my friend's babies' birthday party by a professional photographer. That's her on the left of the bottom two pics with the birthday girls :)

P.S. while we all look happy and like we're enjoying the moment, I was actually hanging onto my two for dear life because they just don't sit still!
P.P.S. thank you for all the comments yesterday. I can't WAIT to meet some of you one day - it's on my list :)

Scolding other people's kids

The prompt this week is very timely for me as I found myself in a situation a few weeks ago.

We go to the family room at our church with the kids and it's a very nice set-up with the chairs in the middle and all along the side walls and at the back there are tables and chairs with crayons and colouring books, puzzles, etc. There are also two changing stations with wipes, nappy bags and air freshener :) There is a huge screen so we can watch the goings-on in the real church auditorium.

Anyway...

I've made no bones about the fact that the deacon who works there deserves a medal. A lot of the kids are allowed to run loose while their parents ignore their bad behaviour.

Yes, it is a place for kids to be more free but I still believe that you need to watch over your kids and make sure they're not disturbing others.

I am not including babies... I also had crying babies and until you get their bottle in their mouths, they are going to scream :) Thank goodness those days are over.

It's the older kids who run around, shrieking like banshees that bug me.

At first I just tried hard to ignore them and focus on the message but now, not so much.

So, two weeks ago...

Two kids were chasing each other around the room, clearly disturbing a whole lot of us who were trying very hard to get some Word.

I know that Sunday morning is the only time I have to hear God's Word in a church setting so I really go in with an attitude of "give me whatever you can - anything I can take and apply to my life" and I get it.

These two ran around the perimeter of the room one complete round without any intervention by either of their parents and when they started round 2, I went to the front runner and said to him, "please will you stop running and play quietly. I'm trying to listen to the pastor"

And they stopped.

D said he can't believe how bolshie I am. I told him the same thing I told you - it is the ONLY time each week I get to hear the word and I'm going to protect that time.

So.......... what would you do?

P.S. I would do the same thing on a playground. First watch and see if the parents intervene. If they're not going to see to their kids, then I will.

Before my kids were born, I'd said to a friend's kids, "please stop running in my house. Do you want to run and play? Let's go outside" :)

P.P.S. I hope this goes without saying but I never allow my kids to misbehave with others. Just yesterday we had a lovely tantrum because Connor wanted a little girl's toy and I wouldn't let him grab!

Rules for weekends

Two people recently told me that they have rules for weekends.

A friend who came to the babies' party said that she had to leave because she had another party to go to.

She then turned to another mutual friend and said, "don't you find that you have so many socials because of the kids?" (the mutual friend's kids are 2,5 and 4 months)

So the mutual friend says, "oh no, B & I have rules. we only do one plan per weekend day"

I then piped up and said, "we need to make some rules"!

In June, we could have been busy every single Sat and Sun. And when I say Sun, I mean besides church.

As it happened, we were only busy for 6 weekend days. Which is about 4 days too busy for us :)

Then another friend has yet to see my babies (other than photos) and they're nearly 13 months.

As an aside - what is it with photos?

Yet another friend said to me she hasn't felt compelled to come see the babies in the flesh because she sees pics on Facebook and the blog. My thing is if one person says it, more are thinking it so I'm sure there are others who feel the same.

Hmmm. I haven't quite worked out how I feel about it. I definitely don't want to "show off" my babies but they are very different in person and you get to see their personalities, how they and I interact, etc.

This friend (not the photo friend) then said that they have a rule of only one plan per weekend and she's booked up til the end of August. Their party is at end of August so if we go, I suppose we can kill two birds with one stone? Or maybe it was an excuse? LOL

I have definite rules during the week - no out of the house more than 3 times per week, whether gym, church stuff, supper with friends, etc. otherwise life is too hectic.

But I don't have weekend rules... yet!

Am I the only one without weekend rules? Please share what works (or doesn't work) for you and your family.

Accepting and organising help with babies

The lovely laidback PJ (sooooo not like me which is why I love reading her blog LOL) is expecting twin girls and asked a question on her blog:

what helped you the most when family came to "help". Did they do dishes, diapers, feedings? Some of everything? and... how did you schedule it? Was it one parent at a time? Did you stagger them? Did it add to the stress of newborns, or did it help to alleviate stress?

It is infinitely more frustrating for me to have people around not doing anything (this is a big weakness of mine in that under stress I often see people as resources and not as people) than to be alone and do it all myself.

This is why some of my friends might remember me saying, "rather pay for a nanny/ maid so that you can boss them around without any guilt" LOL

I felt more frustrated in that first month alone with the babies because my mother was there but also I had to ask for help (another one of my big weaknesses).

Once the nanny started in September (babies were 8 weeks old), things calmed down a lot. She knew she was there to do x, y and z, and I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty about telling her what to do.

There are already some GREAT comments on her blog.

This is what I wrote:

Oh wow - what great comments.

My advice is to discuss with your hubby what kind of help you need and then clarify that with all your visitors right now.

This will change once the babies are there and you actually know what it's like (LOL) but at least the discussion has been opened.

This whole thing was a complete disaster for us which is why I speak from experience.

We ASSUMED my mother would know what to do - well, I moaned at my sister that she was doing nothing and my sister said she probably didn't want to interfere! So then we started saying, can you give K her bottle or please hold C while I do x.

For the next visit, I resorted to my normal bossy self. I did my menu plan and said I'll cook on these days, will you cook on these days?

And so on...

D's job was to boss his mother. She stays in the city but he would say, if you want to visit you have to do everything so had her changing, feeding, bathing, playing with babies. Even I *blushed* at the bolshiness!

All that to say this:

1. clarify expectations upfront
2. farm out things you're comfortable with (I did all their bottles myself because I'm a control freak) - like laundry and cooking
3. keep communicating
4. for other visitors, tell them to bring a meal or pick up muffins/ croissants on the way - then you don't have to worry about feeding them. Schedule visits around feeding time (if you're bottle feeding) so a visitor can feed a baby - they take forever in the beginning, not a 5-minute job like it is now

and above all else, they are YOUR babies. You're allowed to ask for what you need (sleep, etc) so that you enjoy them better.

I ended up making bottles up to 10 am (I still do so today) so that D and my mother could do the early morning and I could sleep in.

Email me for more specific things - I have TONS more but am already hogging comments.

Like have less clothes because it means less laundry! Forces you to not procrastinate and useful for "Oh, the babies are nearly out of babygrows, can you do a load?" LOL

P.S. What is your motherstyle? (my blog from Friday)

My question to all of you is similar but I want to know this -

What did you do that had the best results and what would you absolutely never, ever, ever do again?

Mine? I would definitely not assume that what we were thinking and what the visitor was thinking was the same thing with regards to "helping out with the babies".

I've realised since that what most people mean about "helping out" is holding a baby but STILL expecting us to "entertain" them (offer food and drinks and have us make it all).

What I now tell people is to be upfront and say, "please help yourself to tea/ coffee and muffins. I really need to get started with the laundry" or similar.

The best thing I did was make a list of meals and who cooks what, when. Eventually after about two weeks, my mother and I fell into a routine of me putting on the laundry and her hanging it out.

It happened because she thought using the tumble dryer was wasteful (true - but I was just trying to survive, not trying to be green or save money, and the tumble dryer was the quickest thing with the least amount of effort).

What did you do with close family visitors that had the best results and what would you absolutely never, ever, ever do again?

P.S. I loved a commenter's suggestion about getting grocery gift cards and handing out shopping lists with a gift card to people who offered help! BRILLIANT and gets them out the house for an hour or so :)

Do you like getting advice from others?

I was planning on only posting tomorrow… until I saw the question of the week on the MoM blog

What is the best and worst advice you have ever received on raising your multiples?

§ How do you handle unsolicited advice? Do you like getting advice from other moms?

§ Who do you always turn to when you have a parenting question?

§ What's the most helpful thing you have ever learned by reading someone's blog?

§ Share with us the worst piece of advice you were ever given!

§ What is YOUR best piece of advice for other moms?

I don’t think the best or worse advice I ever received was specifically related to multiples as the only people I knew who had twins were 4 girls from the infertility support group who, quite honestly, ALL seemed to have it together.

I really thought I was the only one who felt like I did which is why I seriously turned to blogging about my struggles – cheap therapy.

But the absolute best advice I received was from a work colleague who came to visit when the babies were about 6 weeks old.

She told me that it’s all about SURVIVAL, nothing else. Don’t try to be a good or perfect mother – just do whatever it takes to survive. We were talking about money at the time and I was having a moan about spending my hard-earned bonus on a night nanny LOL

So now, my best piece of advice for other new mothers is, “count down those days to twelve weeks because it honestly gets better after that”. That, and you don’t need even a TENTH of the stuff everyone says you need. This is something I’m quite passionate about – I can’t understand why, as intelligent women, we’re taken in by all the marketing hype that we must have all the latest gadgets, clothes, toys, etc to parent our children!

Another really, really good piece of advice I got was not on another blog but was in a comment on my own:

Each child is always working on something – and it’s often something different - and I see it with my two. Connor’s the better sleeper but Kendra’s the better eater. Kendra rolled first (and has now crawled first) but Connor sat first, etc, etc.

Just today at church, a little boy came scooting over, took Connor’s rattle and the father came over to give it back. He asked how old mine were when they first got their teeth as his little boy is about 10 months old and has no teeth. So I said, “he’s working on other things”. The father looked grateful when I said that but it’s true – he was crawling ALL over the place and standing up by himself.

And of course, my paed said something very early on which has stood me in good stead: the babies just happened to be born at the same time but they are their own people and will develop at their own speed. That, and don’t worry about the milestones – they will catch up by the time they’re two J

So I don’t worry.

To answer the questions properly, I love getting advice from others but it depends how it’s given. If it’s in a know-it-all way, thanks, but no thanks. But genuine caring? I love it.

I turn to the internet when I have a question. And if it’s still bugging me, then I ask the nurse or paed at my next appointment.

I’ve read SO MANY things on other blogs that have helped me but I think the things that help me most is when I get reminders to just relax J

The worse piece of advice for me – sleep when the babies sleep J

So tell me, what’s the best piece of advice YOU’ve ever received?

P.S. My worst piece of advice about infertility (that still gets me on my little soap box) is just to relax and have a holiday and you’ll magically fall pregnant. My answer, “that may be true in a small number of cases for unexplained infertility but no amount of relaxing will fix broken tubes, endometriosis and bad sperm”.

Worse advice ever

Sleep when your baby sleeps.

Oh my word.

This is what I used to do when they slept ...

• clean bottles


• make up bottles


• do baby laundry


• tidy house


• cook supper


• eat breakfast


• shower and get dressed


• blog/ SMS/ phone - to connect with outside world


• phone medical aid company - in those early days I phoned them nearly daily to check that claims were being paid - freaky when you get copied on THOUSANDS being claimed by the health professionals

Now that may not necessarily be bad advice for everyone but for anyone who knows me, how on EARTH would I be able to sleep having a to-do list that long?!

Okay, let's have some fun.

What's the worse advice you've ever been given, either as a mother, or just as a person?