I am absolutely shattered

We had a photo shoot this afternoon.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit that because in my mind it seems excessive (3 shoots in one year) but give me a minute to justify it :)

Birthday..... Newtown shoot.... this one I bought through a group buying deal for R400 (this lady's usual price was R1200) and then sent on the details to all the girls in the office and so from one office of 10 people, we bought 5 of these deals. Not bad.

Anyway, I extended it at the time to the latest date I could (it technically had to be used up by end August I think) because the birthday shoot was already booked. The Newtown one was the one I sandwiched in because I was tired of waiting until I lost ALL my excess weight.

And so this date comes along and the only prep I'd done was rush off to the hairdresser yesterday. Oh, and book the venue.

I didn't even think about what we'd wear, nothing.

Of course then today the children decided not to have afternoon naps.

My children are HORRIBLE when they don't sleep.

We'd booked V to come in during the afternoon and then to help us with the shoot (it's money well worth spending for my stress relief running after those two) and of course she was 40 minutes late.

The kids went to time out a couple of times and then D went to have a talk with them and they eventually fell asleep at 2 pm.

They woke at 3:30 and we dressed them (but they were already grumpy so that was a drama in and of itself), threw them in the car and all raced to my work (the venue).

these pics were taken about two weeks ago, not today - it is absolutely glorious walking these grounds

D and V were also both stressing me out because I don't know why I need to remember everything and boss everyone around just to get out the house on time. My bag and the props bag (yes, I'm very sad...) had been packed the night before and ready at the door an hour earlier.

Anyway, I drove and you know how I drive when I'm late so we left home at 4:05, got there at 4:23 and had a few minutes to let the kids run a bit wild before the shoot started.

Very nice lady and she didn't seem stressed by all the craziness.

The kids both refused to sit with me (mortified doesn't begin to describe how bad I felt... plus sadness!) so I have practically no pics with either of them and there are tons of D with the two limpets clinging to him. And me on the side, like the one that doesn't belong.

*sigh*

At least we got some time to get pics of just D and me (while the kids had some ProVitas).

But this is why I love D.

I just gave him one look (of desperation/ frustration) and he leaned over and said, "it's okay. it'll all be fine" and then I could see he tried really hard to get those two to be nicer to me.

Kids are so merciless.

We dropped V off on the way home and then D said to me, "I bet you can't wait to get home to blog about all this" LOL

Of course!

So bottom line, I way be warned off photo shoots for a Long Time and if that woman gets even 20 good pics, it'll be a miracle. MIRACLE I tell you!

She worked really hard trying to get those two to co-operate. There was always one running off or crying or tantruming.

D says this whole "spurning me" business is just because they were so crabby but I was very, very hurt.

Okay, enough about me. Onto you.

Please tell me anything to cheer me up. What are you reading? What are you listening to? What are you doing?

On the bright side, BOTH our TVs are on the blink (they've gone in for repairs today) and even though I rented a DVD for last night, I'm thrilled because D can finally book our Jan holiday :)

PS D and I wore purple, and the kids wore white.

Honesty

I was reading a blog by a pregnant woman who's been getting some extremely honest advice.

Either Canadians are a lot more honest than South Africans or I associate with people who just can't be brutally honest.

I've spoken before about how I felt lied to by such a lot of people who just acted as if everything motherhood was a breeze.

One friend said to me one day, "but honestly, Marcia, did you and (insert name of other mutual friend here) really think having a baby was going to be easy?"

And I said, "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

Yes, I was deluded. I felt sure that since I was/ am super organised, a hard worker, energetic, etc. this motherhood thing would be a breeze.

We harboured romantic views of the babies in the cots, sweetly sleeping and not SCREAMING! LOL

There was only one woman who was honest with me, a twin mom at my work.

When I told her I was pregnant with twins, I rubbed my preggy belly and smiled the smile of advertisements and she said, "my husband nearly had a nervous breakdown when they were 8 months"

I laughed and she said, "I'm not even joking".

When I got back to work after my maternity leave, I asked the two mothers who were in the office at the time why they lied and didn't tell me the truth about the craziness, sleep deprivation, etc.

The one said, "but you wouldn't have believed us"

And I'm afraid that is probably true.

Although it would have been nice to at least know that I wasn't going crazy being the only person who was going off her head because of two, really tiny, screaming babies.

These days I am honest with pregnant people but I do tell them that it's normal to not "take to it" immediately and that it's just about survival for the first 3 months or longer (as I experienced).

A colleague of mine said her friends say she's scaring them when she's honest but she said "rather that than be lied to like others have done to me"

So, where do you fall on the honesty spectrum?

Do you just smile and let the new moms figure it out themselves or do you feel that it's kind of your duty to let them know it's not all sunshine and roses?

P.S. As I've said before, I love the babies, just not the newborn stage.

P.P.S. Another colleague of mine (yes, I work with a very fertile bunch) is 36 w pregnant and said she's petrified of the newborn thing as she remembers it so well. This 2nd baby was not planned by them (I believe all babies are planned by God).

Something strange is happening

I've written before about how V sometimes comes in on a Saturday if I have an event to go to or if D and I need to run lots of errands quickly.

As you know, quick errands and babies do not go together in the same sentence.

Nevertheless, the last time we did one of these babysitting days, a few Saturdays ago, I actually felt guilty leaving them at home with V.

It is VERY strange because:

1. I don't generally feel guilty
2. It felt like they should be with us because we're a family!

What's that all about?

I suppose I'm just delayed and the rest of the world felt like this from the beginning whereas I just wanted to escape?

Coupled with this guilt thing, I'm finding that I'm being a lot more intentional with my time.

I'm really thinking hard about whether I want to spend (waking) time away from the babies and if I do, then I want my time away from them to count.

Quick example...

I went to a women's event last Sat that was hosted by our church. The theme was romance so I thought, "great. we could do with some jazzing up" and I went.

Well, the theme should have been "God as the great Romancer" or something like that because there was not a single thing about marriage, etc. and I was very cross.

I found myself resenting the time I was spending away from the babies and after I wallowed a little, I gave myself a talking-to and determined to get as much as I could, since I was there.

Still...

We have a thing going on in our Fertility Babies group where it's "moms only" for two groups, and then for the 3rd one, we can bring babies with us.

Technically speaking, that is.

As in it's never happened with me.

I didn't take the babies for the first two and then felt so "out" I just stopped going to the "with babies" groups.

But I think I'm finally getting why the other mothers want their babies with them.

I think I'd have no qualms about it if we had the meetings at night and maybe shared supper together. Kind of like a book club, but for ex-infertiles :)

Because I have absolutely no second thoughts going to gym or movies or coaching... but only once the babies are asleep.

Does this seem weird to you? Anyone relate?

P.S. Toddler Sense was very interesting!
P.P.S. Katherine, I thought of you running your race as I drove to the seminar this morning :)

Today was a very special day

We had a baby shower for the founder of our infertility support group, K. It was actually a combined baby shower/ Fertility Babies group and it was very well attended.

It was the first baby shower I'd actually looked forward to and it was lovely.

I still had the text message on my phone from when she found out she was pregnant. I remember I was right in the middle of the bath/ bedtime craziness and I remember thinking what a Big, Awesome God we serve because this baby is truly a miracle. No IVF, no treatments, no medication, nothing.

She often tells me I inspire her (because we both have that same fear of needles and I had my 2 IVFs) and I feel exactly the same because she faithfully hosted that infertility support group for 2.5 years now while women were falling pregnant left, right and centre.

We've had about 28 babies born in the group (can't remember exact numbers) and I know I couldn't have done seen all that happen without losing it.

It's always so interesting to see how different everyone is in their mothering style - K mentioned wanting to get a bottle warmer, about 3 of us said, "waste of money" and others said, "oh, absolutely get one".

The one thing that has saved us TONS of time with our babies is not warming milk, even in the dead of winter. A tip I learned at the multiples seminar that has stood me in good stead as I never had a baby screaming because it wanted warm milk, just because I was too slow :)

It was lovely to see everyone again and catch up on everyone's stories.

However, my dear husband D said to me when I got home, "why did you want to take the babies with you? No one cared that they were there and it's not fair to set them up for rejection like that"

My heart broke.

At least they were only there 15 minutes but still... this emotional stuff is hard.

He said if people want to see them, they should visit us like my one friend, R, did just before the meeting. R had some magic going on because Connor was laughing like crazy with her - such fun!

Very true.

Anyway, it was still a lovely day and at least the baby shower happened WHILE she was still pregnant. She's about 39 weeks now!

When K phoned me during the week, I saw her name come up on my phone and first thing I said was, "K, are you still pregnant?" LOL

What do you have planned this weekend?

After church tomorrow, we'll do more of what we did last Sunday - go play outside and let the kids eat stones and get dirty! And yes, that's a fake dog and the only one I'll be having until they're old enough to take care of an animal themselves :)

Nanny Viola

I just love the way Mommy Esq calls her nanny "Nanny April". We call ours "V".

I've been back at work now for two whole months, except for the one week's leave I took after New Year's.

I'm working a reduced day at the office so arrive home around 3 - 3:30 and usually one of the babies is asleep and the other is having a bath.

The babies are usually happy to see me and smiling/ giggly, etc.

Until a fateful day about two weeks ago.

Nanny Viola (don't you love it?!) was holding Kendra and after I'd washed my hands (yes, I still wash my hands - we're indoctrinated by those weeks in NICU), I went to fetch Kendra for our usual hugs and cuddles.

But she TURNED away and wouldn't come to me!

V is very sweet (doesn't she look sweet?) and said to Kendra, "go to Mummy" and other such things. But no.

My baby girl was soooo off me.

Not a smile from her, nothing.

I pretended things were fine and moved on doing my other stuff and much later, K warmed up to me again.

Either that, or she just wanted someone to hold her.

But no warmth or smiles!!!

When she woke at 11pm she gave me big smiles again so all was well.

However, this business has been repeating itself. Thankfully not daily but enough to worry a bit. D says it's normal; they're with V more than anyone else during the week.

That's true but STILL.

She loves V more than me! Granted, V has TONS more patience than I do and therefore indulges her a lot more than we do.

I told her yesterday, "no rocking K to sleep; we don't do it and I don't want her thinking that's the way things get done". You know what she said? "I was feeling sorry for her because she hasn't been feeling well. Awwww.

Thankfully, Connor is his same steady self. Always pleased to see me, full of smiles and hugs. Today he was so excited to see me he grabbed at my necklace (the pink and white one you made me, Caroline), broke it and there were beads EVERYWHERE.

D also says Kendra is stroppy (true! except now I have a new adjective to describe her - Spirited as per Baby Whisperer!) and is likely to be a bit more moody.

On the bright side, I would much rather have her love the nanny than be scared of her.

Some people have been asking how Viola's working out and so on.

She is great. We still trust her 100% with the kids, she has so much patience (she was first in the queue when God was handing out patience and I was number 100) and HER eyes also light up when she sees them in the mornings.

She's also proud of their little milestones and tells me eagerly when I get home, "Connor rolled today" or "Kendra ate ALL her broccoli", etc. It feels like the 3 of us parent the babies together which I do like.

The only negative thing is that she's still a bit slow with the baby laundry so things take maybe a day or two longer to get done than I'd like but that issue is SO SMALL in the grand scheme of things that I really don't care about it. I have told her, "I don't want to see it" so the dirty baby laundry hides in our laundry, I don't see it and I stay happy :)

In case you didn't know, laundry is probably the thing I hate the most of all household chores. Seriously. It's NEVER-ENDING!

What's your worse chore?

Anyway, so that's the latest on Nanny Viola. If you have any questions, ask away in the comments and I'll answer them there too.

playing favourites

When people ask me which baby's my favourite, I joke and say "the one that's sleeping the best".

Okay, it isn't really a joke :)

When the babies were discharged from NICU, my mother was here for four weeks. During that time, she basically took Kendra during the day while D was at work and I'd tend to Connor.

So I understand that she has a soft spot for Kendra.

But wait.

On Christmas Day, we're opening presents and she says "this is for the twins and this one is for Kendra".

Well, I was gobsmacked.

I am very rarely speechless but I was that day.

I exchanged glances with D who is quicker with the smart retort than I am so he said, "oh N, you're playing favourites already" and she laughed.

I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hurt for Connor I'm even tearing up now typing this.

I'm ashamed to say I didn't deal with it very well at that moment - I just moved on very quickly but I gave my boy some extra hugs and kisses.

D and I only had a chance to speak about it the next day and we've since decided that, in future, we will say something like "we can't accept it since our parenting philosphy is to treat the kids the same".

He had another option - to just go out and buy the other child something - but I said Nooooo, that doesn't feel right.

By the way, I'd said to everyone to please buy ONE thing for the both of them - I am a FREAK about lots of clutter and am totally in the less is more camp.

Do you think we're being reasonable or not? Or am I overreacting because of the sleep deprivation (they'd woken 3 times each the previous night)?

Please feel free to be 100% honest with me.

Oh! On the whole, she does seem to favour Kendra - I always find her holding Kendra, talking to her, etc. Not so much with Connor and honestly, he is EASY to love - he "talks" to anyone who talks to him, smiles a lot, etc. So there is no excuse as far as I'm concerned.

Can you feel the fierceness of my mother love? It's scary actually. I now know I will KILL for them :)

P.S. This was the stress factor on Christmas Day.

Cavewoman

You know those personality tests you take at work that talk about natural and adapted tendencies?


When I'm strung out, stressed, etc. my natural tendency is to go into my cave and hide. I do not reach out easily, especially to ask for help.

I'm seriously bad at that.

(In the beginning with the babies, my MIL used to say to phone her if I needed help. Of course I did but I would NEVER phone. I still won't)

Apparently, the ESTJ (that's me) highly values competence in herself and others so that's why they don't easily ask for help .

Yes, I know, easy excuse :)

Yet I have no problem delegating and bossing people around if I'm paying them.

Weird.

Mo, maybe you can shed some light on my weird personality!


The strange thing is if someone asks how I'm doing and I see that they genuinely care (not those "how are you?" questions where they just want to hear "fine") I will spill all!

So if I've spilled all to you, I think that you really care and want to know :)

Which is another reason I love to blog because it's easier for me to ask for advice/ help on the internet than in real life.

This week has been hard.

I have not felt like me at all. And I have ignored all text messages and emails except for one or two.


I'm feeling much, much better though.

The nanny's phone was indeed stolen as I suspected (my husband called me Sherlock when I told him) and the minute she got the offer from the agent she accepted. And offered to start today (Saturday) so that we could get the training started.

As I type, she's busy playing with the babies.


I told C that I'd found a new nanny even though she hadn't yet accepted so that we could start her notice period (a week) immediately. Last night was her last time with us for the moment but she has to come back for one night in December if she wants her full November salary.

What are you like when you're stressed, overwhelmed, etc. Do you ask for help easily? Or do you go into your cave?

P.S. Kendra, 20 weeks

P.P.S Must tell you about my telephone catch-up with my wonderful boss.

Today I'm thankful for...

Even though I'm South African, I've really been enjoying reading the Thanksgiving posts around the blogosphere and I thought I should participate. Especially in light of yesterday's post.

Today I'm thankful for:

• my two beautiful, healthy children

doesn't K look naughty?

it's the angle; he's not really that huge!

she sticks her hand near his mouth so...

he's "well, if you insist on putting your hand near my mouth, then I'm going to suck it"
Look at K's surprised expression

• the best husband in the world
• God, who supplies my every need
• finding a new nanny (even though she still has to accept the offer and come start work)
• a fantastic catch-up session with my wonderful boss who is so intuitive and knows what's going on with me even if I don't!
• friends who comment on Facebook to cheer me up and who check on me regularly, rain or sunshine
• my kitchen that is finally repainted after being grey for months since I burnt something I was cooking while pregnant (true! Natalie has seen it)
  
• Rod Stewart who never fails to cheer me up with his raspy voice.
  
• a brilliant web designer who fixes up all my mistakes when I "play around" with my site and stuff up something
• only having another 0.5 kg to lose of the preggy weight
  

What are you thankful for?

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving to all my US blog buddies. Enjoy the turkey :) (it's ALWAYS about the food with me!)

What is it REALLY?

Why is it that things start going better?

Does looking after babies actually get easier?

Do we just get more used to them?

Is it a confidence thing?

I remember someone saying to me in the very early stages that you get used to living on only a couple of hours of broken sleep so it's not that the situation actually improves; our ability to adapt just gets better.

Is that it?

What do you think?

P.S. Strange that I should post this today because I have had the day from hell. Not the poor babies, but my nanny is driving me NUTS! I was THIS close to telling her to just take her things and go!

P.P.S. Interviewed two ladies for the position so far. Two to go!

Light at the end of the tunnel

Things are actually looking up.

I almost feel like I shouldn't write this post in case I jinx things. Then again I don't actually believe in jinxing...

But I've been putting it off for weeks now.

I don't know the exact moment it happened but a good few weeks ago, around the 10-week mark, I suddenly realised, "I actually enjoy being with these babies".

(1) Finally I was experiencing the feeling that everybody was talking about - the enjoyment of having the babies.

It took a long time in coming and I really wondered if I'd have to wait until they were a year.... or two....

And I've been really, really enjoying them the last two weeks or so. On Tuesday, they'll be 17 weeks old!

K having a bath - nervous nelly

(2) They both first smiled at 9 weeks and then nothing major (well, that I saw. maybe they saved it for their daddy or the nanny) for weeks except when we worked really, really hard and they'd grace us with one just to keep us sane.

I swear these kids know how to keep you on your toes.

Well, since week 15, we've been getting lots of smiles every day. And who can be grumpy at 3am while changing a stinky poo nappy when you get a beautiful smile?

And this last week, Connor's been gurgling and cooing which is too sweet.

I know you want to hear about the sleep! That's a whole other post all on its own because I have issues!

Connor hates it when I keep clicking away - have to wait til he's sleeping :)

(3) Kendra was sick three weeks ago so the doctor said we could give her Baby Panado for 2 - 3 nights. I did so the first night and she went 6 hours between feeds!

After that act of brilliance you almost want to keep doing it just to keep them sleeping.

Joke!

But it did give me hope that she could go longer than 3 hours - she never had before.

Then the next week, without the Baby Panado, she did the 6-hour stint for two nights running, and then did 2 X 5-hour stints the nights after that.

After those first good sessions (which are from about 6 - 7pm), there's a shorter one of either 3 or 4 hours.

A thoughtful Kendra

Those of you who have babies sleeping through are thinking so what? but for us, that is HUGE! Even an hour longer than scheduled is excellent for us (and for my immune system).

Connor has managed one 6-hour stint ever in his life, but regularly has a 5-hour session followed by a 4 - 4,5 hour session.

C - sucking his fist

I've just been reading through The Notebook and I see they sleep better for us than they do for the night nanny! Yay, babies. They know their parents' savings account is just about out of money for a night nanny.

One last thing... perspective is a wonderful thing. I had lunch with my friend from the NICU on Wednesday and when she was telling me how her little one is doing (lots of medical issues - also born at 32 weeks like my two), I really got so grateful that my two are healthy.

So we're not sleeping quite as much as we'd like to (my goal is 2 X 6-hour stints), so my bank account is basically empty, so I have nanny issues (I should say control issues!), so Kendra is a fussy eater but the babies are healthy and at the end of the day, that's all that matters.

Anyway, the point of all that rambling is that the babies are responding more to us which is great! And they're sleeping slightly better which is even more great!

So all in all, either things are looking up or my attitude is better :)

How are you doing?

6 weeks - part 2 - laundry and sleep deprivation

that is my actual washing line - I've been taking advantage of the warmer weather to get 80% of the drying done outside although my natural lazy instinct is to throw all of the clothes into the tumble dryer.

laundry

Since the babies came home, I've done more laundry than ever before.

I used to do laundry once a week for D and me. Now I'm doing at least one load every second day. The babies pee a lot, and they pee through their blankets and clothes, so it piles up quickly.

I mentioned in one post that Connor was peeing through everything and Rachel told me to make sure he was pointing down :) Did that and it worked a little bit. I mentioned it to my friend, C, with the twin girls, who said it would improve the minute they were big enough to "graduate" from the Huggies preemie nappies (diapers) to Pampers.

And it has.

Oh my word, what a difference. Connor's probably around 3 kg now - he weighed 2,57 kg two weeks ago - so on Saturday I put him in a Pampers Newborn nappy (2,5 - 5kg it says) and NO MORE SOAKED CLOTHES. That nappy keeps all the pee and doesn't leak. Amazing - I am loving it. Seriously. (D says I'm a marketer's dream - he can laugh all he wants but when I love something, I seriously LOVE IT :))

So now we need to get Kendra bigger so we can move her to the Pampers too and hopefully my laundry situation can get back to normal.

I actually counted the other day - they have a total of 14 babygrows and 13 vests - all preemie - and I refuse to buy any more of the tiny baby stuff. Hence all the laundry.

Connor has just about outgrown the preemie babygrows from Edgars. I have babygrows from 3 places and the Edgars ones are the smallest so have fitted them the best from day 1.


sleep deprivation

In the last 6 weeks I think I've cried more than I cried the entire 6 years before this. Before you call in the men with the white coats, let me add that I'm not a crying sort of person. Usually very even-tempered and yet...the hormones in those first two weeks coupled with the sleep deprivation since the babies came home from the NICU have left me a bit frazzled.

It feels like I'm ungrateful at times but someone told me that I'm still a normal parent (!) even though I went through infertility and am still entitled to all the normal feelings that go along with it. All true.

I've been keeping track of the crying (very nerdy of me but I need to know if I'm losing it...) and it is actually not that frequent - Thurs 6th, Tues 11th, Sat 15th, Tues 18th.......

On Tues 11th I hid in the bathroom to have some space and cry. That's when I decided to get the night nanny because I realised I'm sleep-deprived and it's affecting my reasoning.

Really, it's not fun and I am soooo not someone who can survive on just a few hours sleep. I've always needed at least 7, but preferably 8 or 9 hours sleep a night - nothing's changed now that the babies are here.

If you're pregnant and reading, sleep as much as you can now. Not that you can store it up, but just enjoy it. I soooooooooo miss my uninterrupted sleep.

I'm holding it together - sometimes I feel like I'm doing a great job (D certainly thinks so) and sometimes I think I'm barely holding it together.

The night nanny helps and of course, more nights would be better, but we can only afford about 6 nights maximum every month, so we'll savour each hour of those 6 nights.

babies

I love, love, love looking at their sweet little faces, hearing their cute little sounds and still have moments where I can't believe they're mine - finally.


P.S. trying to be honest about what life is like with two little ones but very, very grateful I have them in my life

We're a man down

Connor, doing his traffic cop impression :)

We’re a man down in our house. D woke up sick yesterday (oh my word, feels like days ago!) so I did the 2am and 5am feeds this morning and I am shot to hell.

Previously he did these two feeds as I do not get up easily. It's easier for me to stay up (which I may just do tonight until 2am...........) than get up.

This morning poor Connor had to SCREAM to get me up (slept through my alarm) and he is not a screamer so I dread to think how long he was awake before he managed to rouse me.

I banished D to the guest bedroom so he wouldn't breathe his germs all over C and also bought surgical masks for him to wear while changing and feeding him. I'm not taking chances and having C back in that NICU.

Needless to say, I was totally out of it today and as a result, a bit weepy*. I only woke at 11:15 (D did 8am and 11am feeds), decided I needed a day just for me so only went to see Kendra now at 8pm because I couldn’t handle snide comments from the day nurses (about how mummy is late to see her baby, etc, etc).

Hopefully tonight will be better – I’m doing 11pm and 2am – D will do 5am and I’ll do 8am again.

*I thought I was over the "grieving for my pregnancy" thing - not so! A friend sent me pics of her maternity photo shoot and that made me cry again!