Five Love Languages of Children - part 2 - the anger chapter

Hello all

It's so nice to have a 3.5 day weekend. I should have more of these just so I don't feel so frazzled sometimes.

The kids survived without us for a day :) As they were falling asleep tonight, I was eavesdropping on them and Kendra said, "Connor, did you tell Daddy we had big chocolates?" I gasped LOUD and went to tell D :)

Clearly Granny spoiled them!





Anyway, back to the love languages. Here is the first post I wrote a few weeks ago (and I subsequently discovered it could have seriously annoyed some people - totally not intended!)

I'm not going to go into each of them - I did that last year


Love Languages 1
How to tell your primary love language
5 love languages for kids
Example of the love languages in beautiful action


Nothing changed in my assessment of the kids' love languages BUT they highlighted something interesting - if you discipline a child using their love language it hurts much more than if you use another method.

I know that sounds confusing so let me explain.

To banish a quality time child to their room kind-of kills them because they "hear" love by being near and with you.

Same with a smack for a physical touch child.

I've seen it with my two.

Example 1

I was cooking about a month ago and Connor was all around me (right under the stove). I think I was stir-frying and I got nervous about the oil splattering so I said, "Connor! Go away!" and the poor child burst out crying.

I recognised that this LL thing was going on so I went after him immediately, gave him hugs and said sorry for telling him to go away but I didn't want him to get hurt.

I don't know if you remember my posts on time-out before.... I always said Kendra could not care less about sitting there but it KILLS Connor to be in time-out.



Example 2

The kids make excuses to get out of bed/ not go to sleep like they need to pee/ poo, want water, want last kisses/ hugs, etc. Kendra said one night, "Daddy, I want hugs" and he said to her, "Kendra, it's time to sleep now" and she burst out crying. Yes, we gave in. I didn't feel she was manipulating us.

So that was an aha for me. To be mindful of their triggers too. I know I have my triggers and they do too.

The things that stood out to me on anger

• Everyone feels anger. We need to train how kids to deal with their anger in an appropriate way. How to deal with anger is is one of the most important things to train in a child. I do believe this.
• The lowest form of dealing with anger is passive aggression!!! I was a tad shocked but of course I'd agree with this because I can't STAND passive aggressive behaviour. Don't shoot me :)
• Further up this "ladder of anger" are things like getting angry and displaying that anger physically. In our kids this is like biting, hitting, shoving, pushing, etc. We want to get the kids away from this stage and using their words.
• As we progress up the ladder, we get verbal expressions of anger. Now here's the thing that got me. 
• I get really cross when I have kids (I'll let you guess which one :)) screaming things like "I don't like you" and similar. I used to think it's disrespectful and totally disregarding my authority. 
•  However, this is apparently better than having that child slapping or hitting (me).
•  If the child is verbally expressing themselves even if you don't like what they're saying (e.g. you're not my friend), they are working up towards the top of this anger ladder and getting more and more appropriate responses to dealing with their anger.

!

And then they say if your kids show respect towards you 90% of the time, then they DO respect you (so good to know!) because the in-the-moment outburst is just the anger speaking.

So really, I was so relieved when I read that chapter.

My child is not a hooligan but just a normal toddler who is figuring out how to deal with anger!

Since then, I haven't freaked out so much but I haven't totally gotten myself to say things like "are you cross because ___________?" It still feels like way too touchy-feely parenting for me.

But over to you.

Did any of this anger stuff resonate?
Have you read the book yet?

PS here is another excellent review of this book

PPS that's what the kids do when they don't want me to take pics of them. I think these two were particularly cute. Aren't they adorable? (I can say that - the cuteness has absolutely nothing to do with me :))