13 weeks & telling the whole world

There's absolutely no hiding it now. So we had to make sure we told every single one of our friends just in case they heard it from someone else.

I wish I had a nice, neat round bump instead of this flab, but you know what, anything is good because my babies are in there.

We finally told our parents, sisters and DH's uncle last week after the 12-week scan. And then started telling the friends who didn't know about the infertility.

The wife of the guy who sits behind me is pregnant exactly the same as I am - that is actually really freaky so I'm glad these ones will be born earlier. We have the same due date - 2 Sept - and every Wed when I get to work, I say, "Morning B, 13 weeks today" :)

We decided to announce our good news at our next team meeting but then they cancelled it so we decided to simply send an email. Yes, it's less personal but we are all so very rarely in the office all at the same time that it made sense to do it like this.

So last week, we painstakingly drafted an email and I sent it first.

Huge jubilation from those who were in the office. One lady burst into happy tears, came to hug me and nearly made me cry!

Then... about 20 minutes later, he replied to all and said something like..."guys, I also have a confession... " and announced their news.

Some more happiness and laughing...

It was actually great because both of us don't like a big fuss so because it was a joint announcement, it took the pressure off us.

And we did it at the end of the day (my idea so I could dodge all the questions).

Everyone's reaction was great except for the real Big Boss who felt it his duty to scare me with horror stories of how twins would mess up my life, etc, etc. Grrrr.

I just smiled sweetly (well, for me!) and said, "well, we're very happy and we feel that God's given us a double blessing"





P.S. I realise this is late - Wed will be 14 weeks!

A tag about honesty

Dee tagged me for this meme days ago.

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Okay, here goes.

1. I still feel like an infertile even though I'm pregnant. It still hurts me when I hear of people "just falling pregnant". Sad but true.
2. Sometimes I catch myself thinking like a "normal" pregnant person and I have to stop and tell myself to just slow down.
3. Last night I had a headache (they've been happening more than usual - apparently it is normal) so I didn't feel like reading and I just lay in bed, thinking. I started thinking about how DEVASTATED I was after the chemical pregnancy in October and how I thought my life had ended, and I just started thinking about how extremely GRATEFUL and thankful I am to God to be pregnant and I started crying. Thankfully I then fell asleep so I don't know how long that went on.
4. I'm normally very objective and level-headed but since this pregnancy, I've gotten soppy. Last night we watched The Lot and this one director, Will, made this really sweet movie about lamps falling in love. Very sweet - normally I would SO not be into that but I was SOOO taken with this movie. My hubby immediately said, "I'm loving this softer side of you" Eeeek!
5. I am feeling a tad overwhelmed at the thought of creating space in the house for these two, with all their stuff. I'm a very minimalist kind of gal - I don't like lots of stuff lying around.
6. I'm excited about not being as tired anymore. This is huge for me because I'm normally super-productive so when you can't even clean your kitchen counters, that's bad!
7. I am not at all concerned about the money thing once they're here. Strange for me being so security conscious, but I don't care about a thing - all I care about is getting these babies grown inside of me, and out safely.
8. Hmm, what else don't you already know? Since Dee mentioned cars, I am the weirdest Jhb person ever in that I totally don't care about what car I drive. As long as it is clean and takes me from A to B, I'm happy. Here, a car is a status symbol so I am very weird in this respect.
9. I'm an ESTJ on the Myers-Briggs and not even slightly moderate on my scores - SERIOUSLY extreme on each point!
10. Something fun to end off. Last night my hubby said good night and I said "cheers" - I don't say cheers so that was weird. But then I added "cheers from John Robbie, It's 9 o'clock" because that's what I hear every morning when I'm nearly at work from my favourite talk show. He ends his show like that and then it's the news :) LOL

I'm tagging Clio, Leah, Nity, Sarah, Faith, Mo and Trina.

Current eating patterns & 12-week belly pics

For about a week now I haven't felt ravenous ALL the time.

Before, I was eating literally, from breakfast right up until supper.

Like this...

9:00 - breakfast (muesli and yoghurt)
11:00 - fruit
12:00 - fruit
13:00 - lunch (sandwich)
15:00 - fruit
16:00 - fruit/ cereal bar
17:30 - savoury biscuits (cookie)
19:00 - supper

(there's slightly longer gaps after breakfast and lunch)

And this is how I looked last week!






And now this is kind of how I'm eating - as an example, this is what I ate on the weekend

10.10 breakfast & water
10.30 3 prunes!
11.40 apple and a glass of orange juice
12.50 6 salticrax with pilchard/ onion and tomato
3.00 wholewheat roll with egg and tomato, pear
6.00 2 pancakes with jam and lemon
8.30 4 crackerbread with cheese
10.30 tea and a rusk because I was starving again

Seems I'm wanting more solid things for food but still not very much at any one time.

What are your eating patterns like? (pregnant or not)

Facebook

Thank you for being honest because it encourages me. When I see facebook updates and everyone is just all peachy all the time, I think there's something wrong with ME. Intellectually I know it can't all be roses but still...

Now back to you, I think it's a combination of everything. Also at 3 months they start being awake more and need more attention so that may be it. I just about did my nut when Connor started being so demanding until I remembered Caroline telling me about the 3-month thing. Apparently they don't calm down after that so I think it's going to be a challenge for me being such an old, unfit mother :)

I'm going to give you a big hug tonight! We both need it!

http://canigetsomesugarwiththeselemons.blogspot.com/2009/12/am-i-only-one-who-hates-christmas.html

The long-awaited 12-week scan

I honestly don't know how I survived 3 weeks and a day without a scan!

In the beginning I thought I'd go mad and I was seriously comtemplating begging the clinic to let me back for a last scan. Only the thought of those receptionists laughing at me kept me sane and restrained.

So we made our way there - I was 5 minutes later because when I got to the address printed from the internet, it didn't look like there was a 3rd floor and I was right - the actual place was around the corner.

A weird thing then happened. I was in the lift with a man and we both got out at the same floor. I stepped out, looked around and he asked me where I was going. When I said, "to Dr C", he says, "oh, that's me. It's this way".

He'd just been next door to the hospital to deliver a baby so was running about 30 minutes late anyway. Good thing too because my husband arrived 5 minutes after I did.

Anyway, enough preamble.

Eventually, I was called in (after flirting with a cute 18-month-old little girl in the reception area) and we went through my background.

I cringe now but when he asked me if I had any other children, I said, "no, these are the first two, that's if they're both still alive". You could see his face change because he's not used to me yet and must have been thinking, Crazy Woman!

And this was the relaxed me! Because I've been thinking that I actually can't keep stressing every day - I need to start enjoying this pregnancy since it's probably going to be my only one.

(they just phoned me to say people arrived for my meeting VERY early so I'll have to keep this short)

We did the scan - my first non-vaginal one - yayyy! I felt so normal!

He measured everything under the sun - organs, legs, nuchal fold (1,5 and 1,6mm), crown to rump length (63 and 66mm) and weight (55 and 57g).

Everything is perfect.

I also had blood taken to check for Downs Syndrome (!) because I'll be 35 when they're born.

I told him we're not terminating or doing anything even if something comes up and I'm definitely not having amnio or CVS, etc, etc. No way!

Here are the pics: the one baby was very good so the dr could get all his measurements but the other one was jumping around, showing off. Both my husband and I pointed to the other and said, "just like you" :)





I also got a chance to ask him my 9 questions which was great. And now I'm looking into starting some exercise classes called Preggi Bellies because I haven't exercised since starting the IVF cycle and that's not me. I'm hoping to go to a trial class on Thursday evening.

I just feel better when I exercise. Also, it does help that I actually have slightly more energy these days!

Okay, got to go!

12-week scan

Just quickly posting to say everything's fine with the babies.

They look further along on the scan than what I am (12w4d and 12w5d) but everything's totally fine.

More in a couple of days - lots of work to do :)

Speaking negatively

I don't know if this is weird - you be the judge.

When I've told people I'm pregnant, they say things like, "oh, when is your baby due?"

At this point I can't just say, "oh, 2 September" because of that word baby.

So I correct them.

"Actually, they're twins" - then there's usually squealing and jubilation

I tried to explain to my hubby that I feel like I'm betraying the one baby if I just answer the question and gloss over the baby reference, and what if something goes wrong with one of them if I just pretend that there's only one?

Weird! But I have always had a big mouth and if something is not right, I have to speak out.

So that's how so many people know there are twins.

Would you correct people, or would you just let it go?

P.S. Speaking of twins, I'm amazed at how little there is out there in the way of twin resources - there's only one really good twin website but boy, those preggie belly pics are scaring me.

P.P.S. Only 2 hours before I see the doctor for the 12-week scan - I can't wait!

There's an upside

to having these weird belly changes.

I realised on the weekend that I don't feel so panicked anymore.

Yes, it feels like my body's been invaded by aliens (this little grapefruit sized ball is right there all the time now so it's starting to feel more like pregnant instead of just fat) but this is so much better than the "is everything okay down there?" questions I was asking myself a million times a day.

I can't WAIT to see the OBGYN on Wed to get this 12-week scan over and done with so we can TELL people. (Leah, won't it be great to have this milestone behind us?)

I'm not even waiting until I get back to the office - we're going to phone the parents right there and then in the car park!

Remember I've been totally silent about the pregnancy in real life (except for the infertility group) and as a result, am wearing "normal" clothes, trying to wear lots of black to look slimmer :)

It's not really working. See these black cargo pants? Notice the undone button in the second pic. That is sooo me, with my water bottle permanently affixed to my side.


However, I still catch myself remembering and I can't believe this is me - pregnant after soooo long! God is good.

11 weeks

Please forgive the very fuzzy pics - somehow my camera's shutter speed isn't working too nicely and I can't figure out how to set it properly.

Of course I could read the manual. Hello? Me? Read a manual? You must be joking!

Anyway, here's what I looked like last Wed morning. Yes, those are pajamas.

and this is what I look like at night. Scary! That belly seems to grow in gigantic proportions from morning to evening. Is this normal?

those lines on my tummy are from my one pair of stretch pants that still kind-of fit. I didn't realise how bad that looks!

Shortness of breath

I've noticed that I'm getting out of breath after climbing just one flight of stairs.

Of course, I thought this was normal since I haven't exercised since the start of my IVF cycle (end Nov 2008).

Then last night happened.

I do talks to groups and I was asked to speak to a group of professional organisers in Jhb on time management.

Well, I started my talk and after 5 minutes, I was sooo out of breath. It felt so weird.

I even said to them, "I don't know why I'm so out of breath" - and then I remembered my 11-week baby update/ pregnancy email that said it was normal.

It was so freaky because I'd done a talk just two weeks prior to this and I was FINE! Then again, I was not talking flat out for the hour. I co-presented the topic and my guest did most of the talking.

I really didn't know how to handle it but it got a bit better eventually although I was still uncomfortable throughout.

Then earlier today I went to a meeting where I had to present the concept for a new product and I could feel after 5 minutes continuous talking that I was out of breath.

Good thing she was writing and taking notes so I could stop and give her a chance to catch up and me a chance to breathe.

My word!

Of course now I'm scared to schedule more talks. And this is a really good way for me to market my business because I find it really easy to talk to groups.

9 week scan on 27 Jan - I know, very late!

I realised when I was looking through my IVF folder in My Pictures that I'd never blogged these.

These were taken just before I was released to go to a normal obgyn.

my favourite scan type, where I can see both sacs each holding a baby

Twin A - measuring 25mm with a heartbeat of 179 bpm

and Twin B - measuring 29 mm, also with a heartbeat of 179 bpm

(doesn't this baby pic look like it's swaddled in a blanket with just the head peeking out?)

In other news, there are NO twin pregnancy books in all my local bookstores. My dear friend C who will have her twin girls on or before 23 Feb loaned me a book she'd received from friends when they heard she was having twins.

I devoured about half of it already - on the one hand, it's reassuring to know that the extreme fatigue and so on is totally normal but on the other hand, I dread to think how huge I'm going to get. I'm short (1.58m) so this is going to be interesting :)

10 weeks - belly pictures

I realised that I'm a bit vain so I'll be taking morning photos of the belly. It's amazing how much worse this looks in the evening - it's like the pregnancy progresses by MONTHS between morning and night.

I'm really going to try and be good and take pics every week - hopefully I'll remember to catch D before he leaves for work.

10 weeks 1 day

A taste of normality

So we had supper with the pastor I mentioned a few days ago and we'd barely sat down when he said, "so, do you have any news?"

We'd told him that the first IVF failed and he said at the time to not give up which we weren't prepared to do anyway but it was a difference from the "oh maybe it's not meant to be" people. Grrr!

I told him that I'm 10 weeks pregnant, joy and jubilation all around, and even more so when I said that they're twins!

And you know what? I actually felt normal.

He's going to the US in a few weeks' time and wants to get some baby clothes (BABY clothes!) for us because apparently, you guys in the US have better stuff than we do in South Africa!

Anyway, it was a lovely supper (I had grilled trout if you're interested) during which I felt like a normal, happy pregnant woman for the first time.

Hopefully, the more people we tell, the more normal I'll feel!

In or out of the IVF closet

Today I am exactly 10 weeks pregnant and I'm still in the IVF closet.

There are very few people who know that (a) we were trying, (b) we went for IVF and (c) that we're pregnant.

Of course my whole infertility group knows and I had to say to one of them, "please don't write anything on my facebook wall" because of all the real-life friends.

We're waiting for the 12-week scan to be normal and then we'll tell everyone else.

That's on 18 Feb so we've already planned to phone our parents and D's sister. My sister knows the bare bones of the story because she "struggled" for 18 months but then they did fall pregnant naturally. D's sister asked after my last op, "are you guys trying to have a baby?" so he had to say yes.

Other than that, our entire family knows nothing.

At work only two people know that I'm pregnant. My boss and a colleague who sits behind me - his wife has had two miscarriages so we talk about babies. And he knows everything.

The clinic faxed the referral report to me (without phoning me first - I was FURIOUS!) today and someone forwarded the fax to me from our central inbox. My heart stood still when I saw what the fax was about.

She probably has read it - the only good thing is that it was 8 pages long and the pregnancy was only the last 2 pages, so if she got bored, she may not have looked that far.... I can hope, can't I?

This is the ungrateful pregnant person I moaned about two years ago. Of course since those days I've not said a single thing to her about anything.

There's one other lady at work I spoke to after my first IVF failure and she was one of those trying to be compassionate "maybe it wasn't meant to be" people which drives me BATTY!

The reason we're in the IVF closet is two-fold actually:

1) we generally are very private people - D more so than me
2) I hate stupid questions and want to SLAP people when they say idiotic things. I also do my bit to educate the well-intentioned but ignorant fertile people but it gets a bit much some times. You know all the "the reason you two can travel so much is because you don't have children" remarks. GRRR
3) somehow this IVF thing seems to be "frowned on" in our type of church because it's like you're "not standing in faith" or some such thing.

After some comments like that by friends of ours, I got tough (well, I am tough, but I got really hard and cold) and I've told friends of mine straight up, "I don't want to talk about anything like this with you because we clearly disagree". D says he's surprised she still talks to me :)

A pastor we're really, really close to knows everything too - in fact we're having supper together tomorrow and we'll tell him then.

Funny thing is a lot of our non-Christian friends know about the IVF and are so accepting of everything and, as a result, we've told them quite a bit more. We were on the phone with friends in London and D told him our news. He was so excited and has nicknamed the twins, Andrew and Jennifer (very English but SOOOO not my type of name). Still it's better than calling them my kidney beans!

I seem to find it easier to tell people I don't know that well, e.g. I chatted to two coaches recently and told them both very easily. I signed up for a teleseminar series and wanted to check something before paying (that I'd be able to send in questions even if not on the calls live) and I said it in the email NO problem. A lot of my online friends know about everything IVF, even the pregnancy.

Why is it that I share so easily with the entire online world but I don't with real life people? Clearly I have intimacy problems.

So, all the rambling aside, I would DEARLY love to know about you.

Are you in or out of the IVF closet? If you're out, when did you tell people and what were their reactions?

P.S. And if you're pregnant, when did you start telling people?

Where do I start?

There's SOOOOO much I want to talk about - I don't know where to start, so I do nothing.

9-week scan
I went for my usual weekly scan yesterday and when the lovely Dr J asked how I'm doing, I said, "fine. There has been absolutely no drama whatsoever"

He said, "good. that's what we like to hear"

I always take a deep breath when they do the wand thing and wait to see those two sacs on the monitor and yes, they're both still there.

Then I exhale.

Yesterday they measured 25 and 29mm, with heartbeats at 176 and 179.

I said, "isn’t that too high?" and he said, “it’s perfect. Wouldn’t your heartbeat be up if you were this active?” You can see on the scan how they move like little fish.

It is sooo cute.

He measured everything - cervix ("nice and long" at 52mm), etc. and I only realised why later.

Because he's now "released me" to go to a normal obgyn.

Nothing about my female bits has been normal since 2001 Do you know how weird this is???

I could NOT believe it - I thought I'd be seeing them every week until 12 weeks.

But apparently my pregnancy is perfect and there is no need for the close monitoring anymore.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I felt 20% happy and 80% anxious. This is one of the things I have to talk about in detail because it is all so confusing!

I feel so sorry for these poor babies because I say to them, "now be good and show Dr J a nice strong heartbeat" My hubby says, "I hope you're not going to be one of THOSE mothers."

Dear Lord, so do I. The poor children are behaving beautifully for their paranoid mother.

Weird dreams and broken sleep

These days I look forward to my weekends so much so I can sleep as much as I want.

I've always loved my sleep but these days...it's like heaven.

(Can I confess something? I've asked God to please give these children that same sleeping thing that I have - my mother says I've loved sleep since the minute I was born)

This weekend I had really terrible sleep.

I'm getting up to pee twice some nights so there's that. And then on Saturday night the mosquitos were buzzing around the room, driving me nuts. I can't stand that zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sound.

But this is the real reason I had broken sleep. I dreamt that it was time to have the babies (of course, it'll be by C-section since I've already had two laparotomies) and the nurse gave me ONE baby dressed in blue.

I said to her, "where's the other one?" and there was only the one. So I woke with a start.

Of course, neurotic me says to my hubby, "what if it's God preparing me for Tuesday's scan?" He thinks I'm crazy - there's no cramping, no blood, why am I panicking?

But then, just to reassure me, I was queasy for most of Sunday. Of course, you know that symptoms make me very happy because it feels like everything is as it should be.

My heart melted this morning

Something really cute happened this morning.

My husband came to ask me where the movies are he'd filmed with our camera at the scan on Tuesday.

So I told him the location on the computer and he goes to watch it again.

Very unusual - he is a MAN of course - no sentimentality at all.

He said, "I just wanted to hear those heartbeats again". Of course, I didn't mind one bit.

Aaaaaahhhhh, how sweet!

8-week scan

My husband got the time wrong so I was there at 2.30 for a 3.00 appt. Grrr.

Anyway, at 3:00 exactly they called me (miracle) and up I jumped on the bed. I'm loving Dr J's methodical and structured approach because he tells the nurse, "okay, let's start with the baby on the anterior blah blah blah"

At that point I switch off because I'm enraptured, gazing at the beautiful blobs that are my babies.

Again he asked "how are you doing?" and again I said "anxious, but now not because of bleeding but because I have NO SYMPTOMS except I'm exhausted". He said with twins it's normal to have that utter and complete exhaustion.

These babies are seriously kicking my butt - I am already a slave to their every whim.

Anyway, so he says, "well, they're both still there" and then I actually start breathing again. It feels like I'm waiting to exhale all the time.

The twins measured 18,2 and 19.5 mm and their heartbeats were both a good, strong 172.

I swear the sweetest sound ever is the sound of those heartbeats - I literally can't stop smiling when I think of it.

I am amazed at the miracles God has given us.



So here's a picture of "the beautiful strong backbone" (you know how medical people are - they find things beautiful that normal people don't, like during the injections, "ooh, look at that beautiful endometrial lining"...) of one of the twins.

I joked and said "of course, it's my child!"

I'm petrified

Today's the 2nd scan (I'll be 8 weeks tomorrow) and I'm petrified.

Since I have virtually no symptoms, I don't know what's going on down there.

I keep clinging to that verse in Hebrews that I saw on Nity's blog

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"

And yesterday I had no symptoms whatsoever - no sore boobs, no nausea, no tiredness, nothing! I had to phone for a 12-week appointment at a "normal" obstetrician and I actually whispered to the receptionist, "I'm pregnant".

Although today I've been yawning so much I feel like I could fall asleep right here at my desk.

I have a question for those of you who are pregnant after infertility:

When does this paranoia go away???

(Surely I can't go for a scan every week just to reassure myself, like Tertia
did. I thought it was a bit over the top at first; now that I'm there I understand COMPLETELY and would happily pop in weekly)

for those who read through their rss feed

sorry for all the mismatched posts - I wrote a whole lot the other day at work and wanted to post them in sequence but some of you started emailing me to ask about the scan so I had to write the scan post quickly.

Everything is still fine today (saturday) - except for the total and utter exhaustion.

Today we went to one small mall where I had to do about 3 quick errands (total time in mall including having bottomless lemonade and a muffin was just over an hour) and I had to have a sleep when I got home!

I've not had a discharge since the last smudge on Wed morning - thank God for that.

Next scan on Tuesday!

Symptoms update

I forgot to tell you all...

I started having slight queasiness on the 2nd Jan. Thank goodness it waited because we had a yummy lunch with my mother-in-law on New Year's Day and I wouldn't have wanted to miss out :)

Basically, it was starting at around lunch-time and lasting until around 6 for a few days, and then it stopped totally during the day and moved to very early morning. I have to get up at 6 to have a pee and when I go back to bed, I'm a bit queasy until I fall asleep and get up at my normal time (7:30). Then I'm alright.

Last night though, I had a bit of a headache which went into crazy bad headache and total loss of appetite which always makes me feel sick. I'm the kind of person who can eat through just about anything!

I have also gone off my beloved tea but I am enjoying a mug of coffee during the day. I mean, really enjoying it like I haven't for a long, long time. I'm forcing myself to have a cup of green tea every two days though to keep me regular :)

I know it's crazy (welcome to my world!) but I feel like if I get constipated, something will happen to the pregnancy!

Then, the super-intense sense of smell is still there. I'm like, "euwwwww" all the time because it's like I can smell stuff faaaaarrrrrr away.

My breasts don't seem that sore these days or maybe I'm more used to them now. And I'm not as tired.

Now normal people would be grateful for almost no symptoms but the other night I realised I was crazy when after supper I said to my husband, "oooh, yes, there's some nausea"

The best Christmas present ever

I bought this little stocking (it is tiny) years ago, when I still thought that falling pregnant would happen quickly, like normal people.

Every year when I took out our decorations, I'd stuff this little stocking into one of ours, sad that yet another year was going by.

This was the first year I could take it out and hang it up - isn't it sweet?

7 week ultrasound scan

I was doing my avoidance tactics this morning because suddenly it felt like if there was something wrong, being late for my appointment would delay the inevitable.

I know - crazy!

But despite my best efforts, I was only a few minutes late and of course, I still waited 10 - 15 minutes.

Finally it was my turn.

So up I jumped on the bed and when Dr J entered the room, he asked me how I was doing (I never know if they mean physically or emotionally or what - anyway!) and I said, "worried and anxious because I've been bleeding". So he said, "you're your own worst enemy" which is true.

Then Dr J put in that horrible thing and says, "please go empty your bladder" which I'd already did and told him so, but of course, they don't take any notice of my strop so I went and did it anyway.

I peed about 3 drops (or that's what it felt like) but apparently "oooh, yes, that's perfect now" when we tried again.

And this is what we saw...

TWO SACS which did not excite me because a sac does not always equal a heart-beating baby, now does it?

Dr J is very methodical and structured in his approach so he says to the nurse, okay, let's do the one on the left. 11.8 mm and then he clicked somewhere else, turned on the speakers and I heard the most amazing sound ever - the heartbeat. Fast and furious at 152 bpm.

Then we moved onto the right one. 11.7mm and a heartbeat of 161 bpm.

I'm amazed that two little things that tiny have such strong little heartbeats. So I'm calling them the kidney beans :) I love kidney beans, by the way.

When I look at these blobs, my heart goes to mush and I feel all fuzzy inside.

Oh, this is one of the best parts - apparently I have a really big placenta and he says that's probably why I've been bleeding a bit. That sets my mind at ease a bit.


After the whole thing was done he said, "well, you're going to have to start worrying about something else because these two are doing just fine".

But he wants to see me weekly until I have a new obgyn (I'm not going back to my old gynae - no trust) so now that's what I'm worrying about. Why does he want to see me weekly?

Then again, I thought about it today and it's not a bad thing to hear those cute heartbeats on a weekly basis.

Does it ever stop?

3 days of no bleeding, I just start relaxing and today around 12 I go to the loo to find brown discharge (quite a bit).

I had to go out at lunch-time, to an interview (remember this work situation?) but when I got back, I stayed at my desk the entire time until I left work.

I went straight home, took YET ANOTHER pregnancy test (a nice quick positive - in fact, with this one, the test was darker than the control - love it!) and went to watch TV with my laptop.


I got my hubby to get takeaway pasta so I didn't have to cook.

Can't WAIT for the scan tomorrow - one way or another it will be good to know!

The rest worked

Thank God all that resting worked because I have not had a spot of blood or smudges for 3 full days.

We travelled home on Saturday to find that a pipe leading to our geyser had burst so my dining room and bathroom were flooded.

Of course I wanted to just escape but my wonderful hubby told me to rest while he mopped up all the mess, and placed towels and mats everywhere.

So now there's the schlep of dealing with all the companies to get the repairs done to carpets, ceilings, cupboards, etc.

If it's not one thing, it's the next, right?

Some more taking it easy & more peeing on a stick

Today I decided that I'm vegging in the hotel room the entire day - the furthest I'm walking is to the loo and that's it!

I read in a Pregnancy and Childbirth book (is anyone else fascinated by childbirth like I am? I swear I turn to that section first in any book I pick up) that I bought yesterday something like this: when miscarriage is threatened, the best thing to do is total bed rest in a cool room.

This morning there was a bit of discharge (brown this time, which I can deal with) and I'm hoping that the rest and cool room (the air con is blasting away) will do its thing and stop the bleeding.

It's our last day of holidays and I also decided that if, when we see the scan next week, everything's alright, I'm not doing a stitch of travelling until the baby's here.

It is too stressful being so far away from the doctors who know my long and eventful story.

Everything seems to be coming right with the discharge - really, I'm sorry about all the information, but I need to remember it all and it's all I can think about.

Today I sent my hubby for some pregnancy tests when he went to get us lunch - now remember this is a small place so he had to search for a little pharmacy but he returned with the treasured sticks!!!

Of course, he'd barely handed me the bag when I was in that loo peeing on that stick and I'm glad to say two lines appeared almost immediately.


Yes, I'm crazy but I need some peace about this.

(thank goodness I got some extra books when we were out yesterday because I've finished all the ones I brought with me)

Doing the tourist thing

This morning no smudges, no blood, nothing!!!

We set off with plenty of water, snacks, fruit and of course, hats and sunscreen.

Went into Sabie first - it is so beautiful I sometimes literally can't breathe when I look at God's creation.

Sabie is wood country - there are two paper mills here - so there are lots of mountains and beautiful trees.

And, as I said yesterday, there are stacks of touristy things to do all around Sabie, Graskop and Hazyview.


We then went to Graskop and had the famous Harrie's pancakes. My husband had one with milk tart custard and I had an apple pie filling.

I only managed just a little bit before I was full so I took the rest away.

My camera died when we got to Mac-Mac Falls so I took shots with my memory ;) My husband managed to get this one shot.

And then we went back to the hotel.

I was exhausted so I had a snooze and when I awoke, RED blood again which scared me so much. My DH is philosophical (if it's going to end, it's going to end) but I'm like NO!!!! we've come too far for that.

So we went to have a light salad supper and straight back where I jumped into bed. To forget about my troubles while I read.

Why is nothing about this easy???

Taking it easy

I find this "taking it easy" thing difficult when I'm at home in my natural surroundings, probably because there's always something to do.

Kitchen to clean, clothes to pack away, etc.

But somehow when I'm away I have no problem whatsoever just laying around, reading, eating and watching TV.

It's wonderful... until I remember WHY I'm taking it easy.

I managed an hour and a half reading at the pool this morning, dipping my legs into the pool, until the heat got too much.

Have I mentioned I'm not a fan of the heat?!

Small smudge this morning but nothing the rest of the day, so we're planning to take a drive tomorrow to do the "tourist thing".

It's really really beautiful here and there are lots of things to see within a 150km round trip back to our hotel.

The spotting drama

I keep asking myself, why can nothing be easy???

Today I woke up with a large amount of brown discharge to greet me. We're on holiday about 4 hours away from home in a really, really tiny place - great for holidaying and nothing going wrong!

Of course I freaked out and immediately sent my doctor a text message to ask if I should go for a scan in this little one-horse town or was it "nothing" to worry about.

Well, I'd hardly pressed "send" when he phoned me back. He was also on holiday on the other side of the country.

He stopped me taking the Ecotrin (baby asprin) and told me to "take it easy" for 2 entire days by which time the bleeding should have stopped.

Thank goodness the bleeding has lessened to mere smudges so it looks like things are on the mend.

Beta #3 - 19dp3dt

This morning I felt very anxious before the blood test.

During the last IVF cycle, this day (19dp3dt) was the furthest along I'd been in days (with that pathetic beta of 23) although not in HCG levels!

So I was snappy and irritable. I do remember apologising to my husband.

We had the blood test as normal (oh, my previous beta number is 3900) and then went to have our car inspection (our new insurer requires this) and straight afterwards, we went to look at a car my DH wanted to see. I said I'll stay in our car because of the phone call.

I didn't want to miss speaking to the nurse again and not know the actual number! I hoped the assistants doing the medical coding wouldn't mess up my results.

Sure enough, about 15 seconds later, the call comes in on my cell phone. My number is 7318!!!!!


Everything's fine, blah blah blah, continue all medication (folic acid, estropause, cyclogest and ecotrin (baby aspirin) and come in for the scan on Wed 14th January. That is the 7-week scan, I think!

Intellectually I'm happy, excited, etc. but deep down I feel that I can't let myself get too excited because what if something goes wrong?

Also, no real symptoms. Then again I don't know what I'm looking for.

I would love not to have morning sickness - so far nothing. I seem to want to eat all the time (not unusual since I do have a healthy appetite). Not a lot but even just a piece of fruit feels good. And I'm loving protein (I'm a carbs girl usually).

My boobs are sore and bigger which is very good and I'm tired a lot. That could be because I worked up until 24th and am now on leave so my body's finally relaxing....

I am peeing all the time. Of course I've been told by the clinic to drink 2.5 - 3L of water daily so it could be that. I usually drink 2L anyway but I need the loo every 40 minutes it seems.

Actually now that I wrote it out, it seems I do have symptoms! And, of course, the numbers are talking loud and clear :)

Beta #2 17dp3dt

Woke up at the crack of dawn to get to the lab for the blood test. The parking lot was FULL of cars, probably all the scans and people starting their cycles.

(the lab is on the 1st floor and the clinic is on the 2nd - very useful)

I told the nurse that we'd be in church so if they got my voicemail to just leave a message and this is what it said:

"Your levels are rising beautifully just as they should. We'll see you on Tuesday again for your next blood test."

Only actually got the number later - 3900!

Thanks to Nity I can now indulge my inner nerd and play with numbers on babymed.com :)

I can hardly believe it

I'm pregnant. At my first beta today, my count was 826. I go back again on Sunday and then again on Tuesday.

What a wonderful Christmas present.

I'm happy (intellectually) but it hasn't reached my heart yet - I still feel numb.

I think I'll start relaxing a bit when the discharge stops - now that will be a great Christmas present.

Also, last time the beta kept dropping but this one is so high that I'm cautiously optimistic. My friend is convinced it's twins because hers was 1000 at 16dp3dt and this is only 13dp3dt for me.

I've been testing every two days since day 9 but I can't find the pic of day 11. Faint line but a line nonetheless.



Day 11 - line was stronger and appeared much quicker

Today - day 13.

Yesterday after I posted about the spotting, we watched Baby Mama (EXCELLENT - have you seen it?) and then it was time for bed. When I went to the loo, RED so I flipped. I was up at 6:30 this morning too scared to do the test. Eventually I did and here's the result.


Apparently there is a lady from our infertility group who bled for the ENTIRE 3 months of her pregnancy (proper bleeding, sometimes even chunks of tissue - sorry for tmi) and she's just had her twins a few weeks ago. There is hope!

I'm praying that these numbers continue to double until Sunday, and then again until Tuesday next week.

In January it'll be 4 years since we've been trying and I'll be glad to finally be pregnant. I did my goals for next year and I put "healthy pregnancy" on there.

Time to go visit some blogs before bed!

Merry Christmas, everybody.

I've been spotting for a week

Last Wednesday evening (this was 6dp3dt) I started spotting.

I had some severe cramps and when I went to the loo, a brown discharge (sorry if TMI for you) which I'm told is better than a red/ pink discharge.

I had a bit of a freak-out and got straight into bed, did my Cyclogest and read until I fell asleep.

The discharge was almost gone the next day but I've been "spotting" just a tiny bit in the morning and in the evening since then. All brown so trying not to worry.

I left work nearly two hours ago and as is my custom, I went to the loo before leaving the building. And there is reddish-brown stuff. I'd intended to go to the library on the way home but I drove straight home and have been lazing around.

oh dear, why now??? I am So. Close. (tomorrow's my blood test).

I'm huge!

I stopped getting on the scale oh, about a week ago, because already I'd gained about 2,5 kg (that's just over 5 pounds) by then and decided to stop torturing myself.

I remember after the first IVF, in that month of waiting, it was SO amazing to have my pants swishing around my thighs again. I gain weight around my bum and thighs first.

How's your weight been affected by IVF?

Infertility and the Christian (2)

I've posted on this subject before but I wanted to post again because I'm a lot further along the IF path than I was then.

I'm one of those Bible-believing, hand-raising Christians and I took a long time to get around to IVF (for us).

Eventually it clicked for me - if I had any other disease, I'd pursue whatever it took to get me sorted out. IF is a disease (we do not have unexplained IF) and therefore, because we can afford it right now, we are pursuing it wholely.

This whole thing was sealed in my mind when the embryologist came to talk at the support group and said "once they put that embryo back in we ALL start praying". That reassured me of what I had always known, which is ...we do what we can (faith without works is dead) and yet, we recognise that every child is a gift from God so ultimately, He is sovereign.

I don't personally understand people who just say "oh, I'm believing God" because I'm about taking some responsibility for your life. I have a 43-year-old friend who REFUSES to do ANY IF treatment, not even Clomid or IUI because she's standing in faith. I think that's crazy but that's me.

Again, I think it's each couple's decision and what makes sense for one couple will be crazy to another.

I do realise that you can never be totally certain about things. I always said I'd never do an IVF and here I am, having done 2. We are now in the 2ww.

So the lines in the sand keep shifting and that's okay :)

So how do you feel about the whole "if it's meant to be it'll happen" thing?

Tagged to share my randomness

Hey! I've been tagged by Virginia to share 7 bits of randomness.

Okay then!

1. I have this crazy memory for details. I may meet you and have a conversation, not see you for a year but when we meet again, I'll ask you all about what we spoke about. People always think this is incredible.
2. I am going through the worst time at work ever! My self-confidence has never been this low. A friend said that it's all related to the IF. Could be but the work still sucks.
3. My parents divorced about 6 years ago after 28 years of marriage. My father remarried; my mother says she never will.
4. I wonder if I'll ever find a job again where I can only use my strengths and be GREAT at what I do.
5. I love taking pictures of good-looking food - my friends and family think I'm weird :)
   
6. I'm not really a typical girl with a thing for shoes (unless you count thong flip flops) but oh boy, I do love handbags, especially red ones (I have 5!)
   
7. I've never had a pedicure. However, I've booked one for mid-Jan.
   

I'm tagging Sarah, Mo and Cindy (whose blog I just started reading - I'm addicted)

Embryo transfer - two!

taken as a self-portrait

Arrived at the clinic this morning with the same girl from my infertility group. When we got upstairs, we found one of the other couples there and of course, started speculating about the other two couples.

After a few minutes, the one with the bad egg retrieval experience arrived.

We were called in for our ET chat with Dr V. Of those 4 embryos, 2 had stopped dividing today and were both still at 6 cells. One was at 8 cells and one at 9 cells so we're transferring those two.

Went down to the theatre and got started with drinking all the water. One of the ladies jumped the queue so when she was done it was my turn.

Dr J was there and I told him, "please be gentle with me" to which he says, "am I not always gentle?"

Yes, he actually is. His scans are the best because they are not painful in the least.

Anyway, he was BRILLIANT (no pain - last time it was sore when they tried to put the catheter into my cervix) and I pronounced him the BEST at doing this. He laughed but I think he was pleased.

During the procedure he kept saying, "relax" and I said, "I can't" so he said, "nonsense, you can do anything you put your mind to". I like that strong talking so I started relaxing.

Anyway, I am now pregnant until proven otherwise.

Came home after sorting out the payment at the clinic and slept for four hours, woke to do a teleseminar and then went to sleep again with no problems.

Cells are multiplying beautifully

Our instruction sheet says to phone the clinic between 8 and 10am to check on the embryology.

Well, I was so scared that none of our eggs would have fertilised that I waited and waited and waited...eventually my friend emails me at 9.45 and says, "so?????"

To which I replied, "I'm terrified to phone in case the news is bad" so she reminded me that Dr G would have already phoned me.

So then I plucked up the courage and got that great fertilisation report.

************************

Today, same story but not as nerve-wracking.

The nurse said, "you have 4 that are all moving along great".

So everything is set for embryo transfer tomorrow.

Fertilisation

Oh my word, I can't believe it

3 eggs fertilised normally and there is 1 maybe.

WOW

Egg retrieval - were you awake?

Yesterday after all our eggs had been retrieved, we all started talking in the ward and the one lady said this was her 2nd IVF.

The first one was at another clinic where she was AWAKE during the egg retrieval. Very long story short but they punctured her uterus, bleeding, infection, etc. and they only (!) got about 25 of the eggs even though there were 37 follicles because she was in too much pain.

I listened to this with my mouth literally hanging open.

I remember when Dr G first explained the process to me and he mentioned "conscious sedation". You are numbed from pain but will hear the doctor and nurses working.

I was horrified - what if I still feel something? what if I move and something dreadful happens? What if? What if? What if?

They told me that they've never had a lady feel a thing - they make sure of that. Of course, I don't believe doctors when they say that. First of all, they're men and second, they call painful things "discomfort" so what do they know.

But then, surprisingly, my first ER was exactly that - totally painless. I don't know what they put in that needle but it totally knocked me out.

So when I read this on Clio's blog and realised that not every clinic puts you out.

How do the rest of you do it?

Also, last time I asked the doctor if the PIO injections were better than the pessaries. He said no, the pessaries are better because they're local, they go to the site quickly. The injections go through the blood first so a reduced amount gets to where they need to. So pessaries it is - I wear pads so they don't mess up my panties.

This is the part I hate

Last night I was so emotional - I even cried a bit.

I'm so scared that nothing will fertilise because we did not discuss the IVF/ ICSI thing and I was so out of it afterwards, I forgot to ask them.

I do know they didn't charge me for ICSI, only for normal IVF.

Egg retrieval

We were late because of the traffic, but not badly (only 15 minutes).

Four of us there - of course we all recognised each other from the waiting room but no-one talks except me.

One of the girls from the infertility support group was there so I started chatting to her.

Mine was scheduled for 9.30 but I was shown to the second slot (they position you as you're scheduled) because I'd been moved up in the queue.

I thought it was because those follicles were so big (maybe they were scared that they could burst - this is just my imagination running wild??? what does happen if they grow too big?) but later found out it's because of our sperm issues. Ahem!

Anyway, got my vital signs checked and I'd just managed to write out one Christmas card and a few notes in my notebook when they were ready for me. Oy!

This time they put the IV in my wrist so it was SORE. I have very, very thin wrists. There is NO fat whatsoever so it basically feels like they're stabbing a bone!

All I remember is Dr J (are you confused about all the doctors? There are 3 of them and they all work together however your doctor consults with you, especially when they have to tell you bad news) saying, "you're going to feel very relaxed; go with that feeling", I took a deep breath and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in the ward.

So the good news is this - THEY GOT FIVE EGGS out of five follicles. I was jubilant. Remember last time I had 10 follicles and 6 eggs, so being the factual person I am, I'd calculated 60% of 5 follicles is 3 eggs!

This retrieval was a bit more uncomfortable than the last time and a lot more blood. I know, gross, but hey, I have to keep a record somewhere!

Spent the rest of the day laying around at home, and on the computer, catching up with business tasks.

You'd think I'd have a rest from the needles

but no, had to have another blood test today.

Didn't wait for the results because we had to get to church.

Had a lovely quiet day once we were home from church, relaxing and doing lots of nothing.

Strict instructions were to eat nothing after midnight. I'm a night owl so I decided to sleep early - after all, early start tomorrow. Have to be there at 7am.

My adventures in triggering

Went for my scan and yet another blood test (estrogen 4700).

Today the follicles were at 22mm and at 21mm. Endometrium was 12mm.

Only problem with triggering was my long-awaited-for Rod Stewart concert.

They told me to do my injection at 9.30pm, 15 minutes on either side of 9.30 was okay but nothing more.

Well, Rod Stewart's show started at 8pm and he was scheduled to perform for 90 minutes.

I started getting anxious because they won't allow men to come into the female loos and of course, vice versa, not that I'd want to go in the male loos, because men are dirty!

And they usually don't allow pass-outs so no quick dash to the car and dash back.

Then my husband had a brilliant idea - we should go to the First Aid room and do it there.

The clinic gave me a letter and put all of the needles and amps in an envelope which was sealed. So no-one noticed anything when my bag was searched BUT we were early so we asked where the first aid room was and...it was ALL THE WAY on the other side of the venue.

They don’t let you walk around in sections you don’t belong in so you have to radio the medics to come collect you and since I didn’t look like I was dying...huge schlep, lots of explaining to do!

Amazingly, God was shining His favour on us because at 9:10 there was a short 10-minute break.

Of course, everybody dashes out of their seats so it's definitely going to be impossible to get all the way to where we have to be.

So I decided to shoot up right there in my seat!

I turned to the couple behind us and said, "listen, I’m not a druggie, I just need to have an injection RIGHT NOW and it's going to take me too long to get to the first aid section" He said, “go right ahead” and we did. I mixed the two vials, handed the needle to DH and he jabbed me. I think I was so geared up for the injection that it wasn’t even sore.

The concert was brilliant but more importantly, my eggs were safely triggered!

Day 8 scan - last day of injectibles

Today the "leading" follicles were 19 mm plus and the stragglers were at 16mm

Dr G said to reduce the dosage to 3 amps of Menopur and of course, have to have Cetrotide too.

No trigger today.

Also had to have a blood test - my estrogen was something like 4300?

So back tomorrow for yet another scan!

Day 7 - scan 3

Today my follicles are 17mm plus, some at 14, and my endometrium was 11,4mm. He wants me to have one more day with 4 amps of Menopur and, of course, the Cetrotide daily too. He wants to try get some of those 14mm ones ready. The goal is 18mm...and they grow about 2mm a day.

I'm finding with this cycle that I'm much more assertive. Let me just clarify - I have no problem being assertive generally but since this is all new to me, I generally haven't asked TOO many questions.

Not so this time around.

I want all the answers - yesterday I asked the nurse what my estrogen and progesterone levels were for the day 2 blood test (E 100, P 1.5). I assume that's fine since no one phoned me?

Just googled it - seems okay.

Today I said to the one nurse straight after the scan – please can I have a syringe and then where can we go to quickly do the injections? So she got it for me and showed me to an empty room. I'd planned to make a fuss today if they hassled me about a stupid syringe. All that money deserves some benefits!

So I assume tomorrow is trigger shot (if everything grows beautifully - will have to talk to the 14mm ones to GROW) and retrieval is on Sunday...so no interfering with Rod Stewart LOL

Day 6 update - 2nd scan

There are 3 follicles on the one side and 2 on the other – I'm hoping that because there aren't many, they'll be more mature and we'll actually have eggs!

(however the switch to different medication hasn't resulted in loads of eggs as we were hoping so I'm not sure what we're going to do about the ICSI/ normal IVF thing)

BUT they are already at 14 and 15mm so they'll be monitoring me daily – have to go back tomorrow. He also reduced my dosage to 4 amps a day.

So I said to my husband while Dr V was scanning me, "I hope this doesn't interfere with Rod Stewart". So Dr V says, "when is his show?" And when I said Saturday he said, "we do the procedures in the morning anyway". I said I know, but I was totally out of it that ENTIRE day.

I was so cross earlier – we don't have alcohol swabs or syringes so I've been using the swabs from the cetrotide boxes and the syringes from the previous cycle (Gonal F ones) because you don't get the syringes with the boxes of Menopur.

The nurse says, "sorry, we can't give them to you if you're buying your own medication". I could see my hubby's face next to me but I told her, "well, can I use the cetrotide syringe afterwards to mix the menopur?" knowing full well I couldn't but I didn't quite feel like fighting.

"Oh no", she says so then she reluctantly gives me one swab and one syringe.

Started cetrotide today - first time this cycle it really hurt - that could also be because I'm actually properly awake when I'm getting these injections whereas when we do them at home, I'm half asleep :)

How are you all doing?

NY times article on infertility and surrogacy

I just read this NY times article on infertility because several IF blogs linked to it.

First let me start off by saying that the author had some opinions that I raised my eyebrow at, but hey, it's her baby - she can pick whoever she wants and if she wants someone with a computer, fine with me.

Also, it's her right to pursue motherhood at all costs - nobody knows a particular couple's circumstances and why they make particular choices. I don't think I would spend $100 000 but then again, I don't know. We're not in their position, we don't have their money and if we did, who knows?

One of the IVF blogs wrote that they don't know if they could do 11 IVFs as this lady did. I'll paste my comment that I wrote on her blog.

"I also don't know that I could do that...but then again, I also said I'd never do IVF and here I am on my 2nd cycle. I guess the lines in the sand keep shifting according to our circumstances.

But I'll tell you something else - I am shocked at the judgement and intolerance of people. I really don't care whether the author is out and out evil (she's not) - nobody has the right to judge their choices and post all kinds of horrible comments.

This is exactly why we often keep our infertility a secret. It's because we're assaulted by this kind of ignorance that we feel shame. And we shouldn't.

I honestly didn't even consider the views of so many of the commenters.

I have very strong opinions on most things (!) but if I don't agree with people, I do respect their rights to their own opinions and I certainly do respect their choices.

I can't believe the comments, that say, amongst others...

Why would infertile people want to have biological children? What if they pass some disease along to their offspring? (I guess fertile people don't pass those same diseases along?)

Why don't infertile people save the world and adopt? (I don't speak for others but each couple's decisions are different. For us, it's not about just being parents. We want a biological child and until they tell us it's impossible, we'll keep trying.)

Why is it selfish for infertile people to pursue treatment? Is it because the money's being spent on children?

Why is it wrong for infertile people to use THEIR money as they want?

Coming back to the adoption...yes, there are lots of kids in the world, many of them available for adoption. But that doesn't take away the desire in a woman (and man) to have a child.

Please weigh in with your opinions. Tell me if I'm going crazy or what you feel

IVF no. 2 - it starts again

I'm behind with blogging but I'll date these posts correctly so they post in the right order.

So the period started on Tuesday night, Wed was day 1 and I went in for the scan on Thursday morning.

Everything normal although I nearly started crying. The nurse said to me, "you look a bit apprehensive" and I said, "yes, the glow from the first cycle is gone". Oh dear.

Went for blood tests - I assume everything was okay since I didn't get any phone calls telling me otherwise.

My pharmacy could only get my medication delivered by Friday so I had to buy my first 5 amps from the clinic. It kills me. Let me show you - a whole box of 10 at the pharmacy costs R1600 and 5 amps at the clinic cost R1200.

I'm on 5 amps of Menopur daily for 5 days - have to go for a scan on day 6 which is when I'll start the Cetrotide.

We totally forgot to take ANY pictures our first time around so this time I had the camera handy. The blurriness is because I'm petrified and shaking. You'd think those 21 days of injections got me used to it - ummm, no!

Ouch!

On the bright side, imagine how much MORE sore it would be if I didn't have the fat roll :)

I'm clearly going mad

I've never had a cycle longer than 26 days for the last 3 years or so. I say "or so" because that's when I started noticing all these things.

Anywayyyyy, so as it approached day 26 with still no sign of sore breasts or chocolate cravings, I started getting hopeful.

What if? What if,by some weird reason, I actually got pregnant naturally?

Stranger things have happened!

There's actually someone in our infertility support group who fell pregnant after an IVF on her own. I am incredulous!

So day 26 comes and goes, 27 comes and goes and I think - this must be it. But no, day 28 comes and goes.

Well, last night on day 32 (!) there was some pink on the toilet paper, and the craziness begins again.

Today it's there in full force (literally) so I suppose I need to get my medication sorted out today.

A total waste of time

The last 15 months have been a complete and utter waste of time. I've just had my salary discussion and basically, I'll only get a normal increase this year.

Nothing's changed. I'm on the same percentile in my salary band as I was 15 months ago because I still need to "grow into the role" after 3 years, which is rubbish.

But basically, for the first time, they are being honest. Or maybe it's me who's finally reading the writing on the wall.

I'm clearly not valued here even though I love the team and work environment so in addition to the other stuff happening in my life, I will have to look for another job.

I can't wait for this increase if only because it gives me a better bargaining position from which to look for a new job.

I am crying (no surprise there!) and miserable, but so, so angry!

It's hitting me now

I don't know what's been going on with me this week. Well, maybe I'm ovulating.

As an aside, I'm the most uneducated infertile I know. I never know which day I'm on and when I get my period, it's always a surprise to me. When I had breakfast with my friends after the terrible news, my one friend said something like, "I'm on day 13" or whatever and I remember being amazed. I still am.

Anyway...on Tuesday, driving home from work, I had my car radio on very softly (I don't like noise after work - I like to calm down) and the routine of the drive plus the quietness got me thinking about the baby thing and I just got so depressed.

This is not me. I don't get depressed.

I thought once I got home, I'd snap out of it but noooo. I literally walked in and went to sit on a chair like a zombie (handbag still over my shoulder) just staring into space.

That's how my hubby found me when he got home about 15 minutes later.

I can see he's worried about me. As I said, this is not me.

And the thing is I don't know why I feel so hopeless. After all, we have a plan.

I think I'm getting ahead of myself to a "what if it doesn't work again?". Someone from the infertility support group had a negative on her 3rd IVF. She said to me that she was SO sure this one would work.

So today, same thing happens. Driving home, soft music and it just got all too much so I started crying. The driver behind me in a big 4 X 4 (you guys call it an SUV) saw me weeping. You had to see her face! She actually widened her following distance (wise move, actually, I would have done the same) in case I lost it and couldn't control the car.

I find I don't care about the crying. The other day I'd had an awful day and I literally got into my car, started driving out of the basement and burst into tears. Of course the work thing led to the baby thing.... And I cried and cried all the way home. I'm aware that other drivers can see me but I couldn't care less what they think of me.

I hope this stops soon. It's weird getting used to this new emotional person.

So this is my cheap therapy - blogging - and actually I feel better getting it out here.

*tomorrow I have feedback about the salary issue I raised. Pray for me. I need them to fix my salary so I can afford to pay for this next IVF cycle more easily. Somehow I know nothing good will happen but where would I be without hope?

Embryo transfer

This pic was taken while I was drinking glass after glass of water, before my one little embryo was transferred.

Of course we thought this is it - the last time we have to come to this place.

I don't take no for an answer

Look what I found on my camera!

From top
1 - 9 days post transfer
2 - 10 days post transfer
3 - 12 days post transfer
4 - 14 days post transfer (day before first blood test)

To Christi

Christi, I've been thinking about you so much.

How are you doing? How's your cycle?

I don't think my emails are getting through to you...

I'm at leigh1010 AT gmail DOT com :)

We have a plan!

I'm realising so much about myself through this whole crazy exercise:

* that I'm a lot stronger and more resilient than I thought
* that I'm okay as long as I have a plan and therefore, something to look forward to
* that I can focus in and block out non-essentials
* that I can find money if I look hard enought and get creative enough

We had our follow-up appointment with Dr G today and got all our questions answered.

Basically, nothing "went wrong". In fact, he cited a couple of positives:

1. we know that my eggs work
2. we know that DH's sperm works
3. we know that I can get pregnant

I was curious to know why, if we did ICSI, only 1 out of 6 fertilised normally. Dr G said it may be that my eggs don't like the needles. My husband says "yes, I think so because she HATES needles so I'm sure her eggs would hate needles too" LOL

We are going to start again next period (end Nov) and change the medication slightly (shorter protocol - less needles - YAYYYY) - the aim is more eggs so we can leave some to try and fertilise naturally (what is natural, anymore?!) and still do some with ICSI.

I'm an (almost) happy girl because I have a plan! And I'm celebrating by going back to dance class after about 6 weeks of absolutely no exercise (which is very clear by the size of my butt).

How are all of you doing?