So I didn't blog about something rather big for about 9 months now

The other day I got sick at work. In fact it was the day I posted a pic of my lunch on instagram!

About an hour later I felt really sick and remained queasy for about 2 hours and then it was suddenly over.

I mentioned this to a friend the next day and she said, "oh no, don't tell me you're also pregnant"

LOL

I'm definitely, definitely not.

But it reminded me that I hadn't spoken about this on the blog.

You see, in our very infertile group, we've now had 4 ladies pregnant with 5 unexpected babies. This is in a total group of about 15 of us who were there right at the start. That's really high odds.

4 babies are already born and 1 will be born in Aug.

While I think it's fine for me to ask questions like, "were you trying?" and "is it a natural pregnancy?" it's still socially inappropriate so I haven't asked. Well, not exactly. But I'm 90% sure they were unplanned.

These pregnancies freaked me out a bit and I think it's because if everyone is falling pregnant so easily, why could that not have happened to me? Why did I have to endure all those years of hoping and wishing and praying? And then all the expense and emotional trauma of IVF?

These people already had anywhere from 1 - 3 kids though. So did their first pregnancies "fix" something in their bodies?

The one person is Dee with the triplets :) whose little guy was born on Wed (my half birthday).

It's odd because of course I'm happy for them. It's just a bit of a mind-shift realising that now previously infertile ladies can also have these sorts of unplanned pregnancies.

This afternoon I was whatsupping with a friend who told me she didn't even know one of the people was pregnant. Then I told her about the others and she was SUPER SHOCKED. Like that, in caps.

It was kind-of funny til I remembered that actually, that super shocked state was my reaction for about two weeks after hearing about each of these ladies.

Isn't that weird?

So just be warned, and as the safe sex campaigns say, the only safe sex is no sex :)

HA!


Otherwise, I had a great Friday. Do you know why? Because I got an important legal document DONE and off my to-do list today and my inbox is down to 7 work emails. YAY!

How was your week?

PS don't forget to get your posts ready for tomorrow.
PPS I intend to start a nice, juicy book after supper - have a lovely evening!

2012 Infertility Christmas party & dress codes

I wrote a nice post about money but something went wrong when I published from Picasa. There are + signs between each word instead of spaces :(

I'll have to retype it this weekend but for now, let's talk about dress codes.

I have a personal policy that I don't buy an outfit for an event if at all possible. If I do end up getting  something, it will have to serve double and triple duty.

Well, our theme for the party this year was Red Carpet.

I don't even own a dress, let alone a fancy dress. And I own one skirt (straight black one for work).

But I had the (I thought) brilliant idea  - instead of going as a star, I'd go as the paparazzi in jeans, a t-shirt with my camera around my neck.

Which is exactly what I did but I don't think anyone got it. Boo!

Anyway, how many dresses do you have? Do you like dressing up?

And here are some pics of the night. Please be kind - it was night and I can't take pics at night without a flash yet.

I loved the colour of that necklace; toes and strappy sandals

blurry pic of Caren. Only one of her that night so it stays

K in the pink is our fearless leader

twin mom on left; girl in black is pregnant

presents

girl in mauve is pregnant and glowing

I did my first IVF with the girl on right. When I'm with her I feel kind of guilty with my 3.5 year old twins. She hasn't been pregnant yet.

we each lit a candle and said a word we wanted for our lives for next year

Roz

I still don't know who took this pic of me but I love it! Amazingly I look good :)

this was a favourite that I took that night

Christmas platters

When I walked in and saw C pregnant, it made my night. Seriously! Look at her - glowing!

gorgeous baby bump

So that's why handmade stuff costs so much

Well.

So I had all these bright ideas to make a handmade gift to give to my infertility support group recipient.

I also had to prepare some gifts for people I will probably not see before Christmas.

Source: theletter4.blogspot.com via Marcia on Pinterest

For the friend gifts, I made one batch of peanut butter chocolate cookies (delish!) - I get 30 - and so each of the 3 people got 10 in a scrapbook-paper-wrapped small formula can with a ribbon, a "from the kitchen of ....." tag and a cupcake tag on the top :)

Sadly there are no pics but they looked cute enough.

And then I thought it would be quick to throw a mini scrapbook together.

All I can say is... I am either deranged or very ambitious in my thinking.

I'd had some 12 X 12 chipboard covers cut into 6 X 6 at work as well as some papers and I honestly thought the cutting would be the main time culprit.

How to make a year in review mini book:


What I used

• 2 chipboard covers
• 2 binder rings
• washi tape
• free printable quotes from internet - one for cover, some for random placement
• lined paper in 3 different colours - yellow, green and pink
• scrapbook paper
• some other bits and bobs
• stickers
• ribbon

What I did

• I arranged a 2-page spread for each month
• Put numbered stickers on each page - 1 to 12
• Arranged co-ordinating scrapbook paper - yellowish opposite yellow, etc.
• I decided once I'd started that the book felt too flimsy so I pasted each of those papers together to be sturdier. It took l-o-n-g.
• Punched all the paper and the other quote inserts
• Inserted binder rings
• Put ribbon around the binder rings
• Decorated cover with printable quote, washi tape, a handmade for you by Marcia tag on the back

Here's the thing - all of that took about 2 hours and I only finished at 12:30 am!!!

I was knackered.

Thursday I got home, started attending to emails while D played with the babies and at 6:45 I think, ever so casually, "C's coming to collect me at 7".

And then, "OH MY WORD, THAT'S IN 15 MINUTES".

Present not wrapped, card (instructions) not done, nothing.

Fortunately I'm relatively organised in here.


For me, pressure's a good thing with writing because I wrote out a very long card (quite a nice one) in about 2 minutes flat, straight from the heart.

In addition to the year in review book, I also made a bit of a creativity pack. Two notebooks, 12 strips of decorative tape (that I made myself - I'm starting to rock this thing - I really need to blog it), fabric tape, about 10 two-inch circles and some flower shapes too, and a glue stick :)

My gift went to someone I don't know but apparently (she could have been lying though, whoever knows?!) it meant something to her. Or maybe she just liked my note.

Can you tell I really liked my note? :)


So this week I had 1) one night of baking and crafting and 2) one night of catching up with friends.

It was a wolnderful evening, although verrrrry cold and slightly weird (for me, at least). We were so involved in the group for so long (especially me and C) and yet there are all these new girls who we don't know.

A lovely thing happened yesterday too - the one girl who, at the talk I did in March, said, "what good can come of ICSI'd eggs?", fell pregnant and had her baby yesterday after 9 years of infertility.

Amazing!

There is NEVER enough time to chat to everyone - my friend Nat had to say to me, "can you please sit next to me at dinner (I say "supper") so we can catch up?".

C & I only left at 11 and were home by 11:29!

I don't even have one picture of any of the crafts, Christmas function, NOTHING.

 All that means is I'll have to do another one at some point and actually take pictures





Linking up to MandyE's 52 weeks of me post :)

What did you do for you this week?


And do you say supper or dinner? :)

PS I read on Annie Blogs (the courage blog) about some Scottish phrases she picked up while living there. D and I had a lovely time reminiscing now. He says a very South African Scottish thing to say is "Hen" or "Pet" as a term of endearment. Strange because we didn't hear one person say Hen or Pet to us while there! Ha!

Can you think of any foreign words or phrases you've adopted since hearing them? Now and again, I like to pretend I'm in Dublin in a Sheila O'Flanagan novel and I say, "I'm gasping for a cup of tea" :)

The good thing about being around other moms with kids is...

Natalie & D2 (baby one is also D)

On Saturday we had a big infertility get together.

Huge!

Of course there were hundreds of babies.

I joke, only about 30 or so?

Accompanied by their parents although lots of the husbands had "hockey" and "fishing" and "work", otherwise known as avoiding large gatherings of women and kids.

There were a few very brave souls still "in the trenches" (S, it was so great to chat with you and R - I think he's amazing to have pitched). Personally, if I'd been in that situation I wouldn't have gone - far, far too painful.

Apparently over 40 babies have been born in the 4 years of the group. K just phoned me back - we counted well over 40, of those 11 sets of multiples (Dee, yours are the only triplets).

K has a beautiful house with a gigantic garden and the kids were in heaven - running around, playing, stealing toys, eating things they don't ever eat (my two).

Connor and Emma were single-handedly polishing off one bucket of Flings

So back to the topic.

The best thing about these things is the realisation that your kids are really not that bad :)

Sometimes it takes seeing them all together to see that everyone has crazy kids and you're not the only one.

But the best best for me is seeing how other mothers do things.

Example 1

Some hover, some totally relax, some are somewhere inbetween with regards to kids running around like crazy.

My friend, R, has two girls who were dressed beautifully.

I'm not 100% sure but I think they weren't allowed to sit in the sandpit. Understandably - those beautiful dresses would be ruined. See hot pink dresses.



Mine were covered with sand (and water - Connor) from head to toe by the time we left. They climbed into the sandbox and did who-knows-what with the sand but yes, it was everywhere.



I just let them at it knowing that I'd dump them in the bath (the curer of all ills, in my book) when we got home.

(they were exhausted and slept soundly with not a peep the entire night)


Example 2

My friend, C, has twin girls. The one threw a tantrum when her mother wanted her to share toys with the "babies" (my two) and so went to the naughty corner (a far corner of the garden).

That's her in the pic below (tiny little girl second from left) - this is also me being lazy and zooming in from where I was sitting very far away.


This was priceless.

After a couple of minutes, C went to have a chat with her.

She then returned without G so I asked what was wrong.

"G says she's not ready to share and wants to stay longer in the naughty corner"

Well, I laughed and laughed.

Too cute!

But this inspired me.

So I tried it with Kendra yesterday.

"Kendra, are you ready to listen to Mummy or do you need to stay in time-out?"

She told me she's not ready to listen to me yet.

Brilliant!

And sure enough, when she came out a few minutes later, she was listening!

I've always felt like time-out with her needed some modification. This might just be it :)

What's the best thing for you about being with other moms?

This is my favourite pic of the day - such a serious boy (was he okay, Caren?)



PS I uploaded nice big pics this time - click to view big and save if you are featured :)

Oh crikey, I only have one week to put this together

So I'm doing a talk at the infertility support group next Sat. This is me stepping out and being courageous.

Also, I promised God years ago that if He got me through the craziness of infertility, I would speak of His goodness.

And so this is talk number 1.

If it goes well, I will tell you and hopefully we can get this thing rolling (I use the word "thing" very loosely as I have no idea what's ahead but am open to opportunities).

Somehow this date has arrived so quickly.

I've started planning my talk but here's what I want to ask you:

What should I be sure to include in my talk?

(D said "hello" and "thank you for listening")

It's supposed to inspire the new people (girls who don't have babies).

If you were listening to my story live and in-person, what would you most like to hear?

Triplets, blog designs, online shopping and a slightly unhealthy obsession with Billy Joel

My friend, Dee, who used to come to our infertility support group, had her 3 beautiful girls (I know they're beautiful because she is!) this morning.

I can't tell you how pleased I am that this story has ended well because she had been through hell on this infertility journey before this very successful pregnancy.

Congrats and all the best with this next stage :)

Dee is very clever and has employed an army of about 3 people besides her and Husband to help them with the babies and ensure she doesn't lose her mind. LOL

*************************

Is it just me or do you also get taken in by seeing all these beautiful blog designs?

I click, click, click and before you know it, I'm scrolling through a designer's portfolio and clicking through on a contact form?!

I must stop the madness but...

I am on a waitlist for January - I'm going to get this one redesigned as well as my professional one. Can't wait!

I just figure, life is too short to have a plain and boring blog and really, R250 - R350 is nothing in the grand scheme of things, now is it? (that's how I justify purchases!)

*************************

I'm starting to panic a little because the travel baby chair things I ordered for our holiday (vacation) has not arrived yet. Tomorrow it will have been 4 weeks........

I have TONS more online purchases arriving (okay, 3 more sets) and since this is number 1 in the queue, I'm not hopeful about the others...

*************************

There's just something about Billy Joel. I love the way he writes songs.

It's like you're exactly there with him.

I was listening to The Innocent Man this morning in the car and then on the CD I have, Piano Man is next.

I mean, seriously - I can see that old man, John the bartender, "waitress is practising politics" and "they're sharing a drink they call loneliness"

I love it!!!

I dare you - go google Piano Man lyrics and see for yourself.

What's delighting you today?

How infertility messed me up emotionally

I've shared often on this blog how I'm not a girly-girl.

Not in clothes and certainly not in the groups of women friends normal women have.

I'm very friendly and can chat with anyone but at school and at varsity I had 2 - 3 close friends that I shared things with, and that was that.

Aside from being dumped by two friends, I haven't had any real friend drama, I think because I used to have a thick skin.

Friend 1 dumped me because I told her her boyfriend was cheating on her. She is now married to him and I have NO doubt he's still cheating on her but let's move on.

Friend 2 dumped me for no apparent reason. She dumped everyone, seriously everyone, family and all her friends because she went a bit psycho. This was my best friend at university, who stayed two doors down in the res (residence) from me.

Other than that, no issues.

Then I became infertile.

Suddenly I had all these feelings going on inside that I couldn't really talk to anyone about, not even D. As a man he felt a smidgeon of it but certainly nothing like the way I felt my body was broken, I was a failure, etc.

Slowly I learned the "infertile nod".

That's when you tentatively start chatting about things, get to the subject of children, and you both have a knowing that you're both infertile.

You test the waters and give each other the "infertile nod".

That's what happened with "my friend with the twins", C, and I.

We worked together, became friendly, got chatting and discovered we both wanted children desperately.

C dragged me to the infertility support group promising "we don't ever have to go back if they're weird".

Because I was scared of opening up, of sharing how I really felt, of being vulnerable in a room full of strangers.

That first time, I still thought everybody was a bit weird but they seemed so at ease with their stories that I was willing to come back one more time.

Until I was there every single time, except when I was travelling.

And I got more and more comfortable with sharing, with opening up, with becoming vulnerable.

I like to think I made a lot of really good friends in that group.

All that opening up made it easy for me to share my story with anyone who needed a bit of encouragement (not just at the group).

You'd think that was good news now that I wasn't as closed-off emotionally.

But you'd be wrong.

I'm still open and vulnerable but I feel like all my friends have crossed over the river of infertility and are safe and dry on the other side, well-adjusted.

Almost like they opened a little box in their heart, let their feelings out while they were waiting, and now they've locked the little boxes in their hearts and everything's safe and well again.

And me? Well, I'm this open, gaping, emotional mess.

I value connection and, while this is hard for me to say, I'm not getting what I need.

There I said it.

I was praying about this a few weeks ago and God reminded me that He is enough for me.

I know that, a bit too intellectually, but... I do know that.

Still, I need people too; talking back to God is not always as fun :)

Then I prayed again - this time that He would send a special someone into my life to meet my friendship needs. Or change relationships. Whatever He feels like doing.

So I wait...

And that is yet another way infertility messed me up emotionally.

For anybody who battled to have a baby, how has infertility messed you up?

P.S. I've just signed up for Mondo Beyondo. This is going on my Mondo list. There's a special today only, for just $49. Is anybody going to join me in January?

I love this group

Last night we had our Infertility Support Group Christmas party and this is how it was fabulous:

1. connecting with old friends (our table had only people with babies so we could speak freely about babies) and "my friend with the twins", C, travelled with me
   
2. seeing all the new girls (I've often felt that the reason the group works is that there's a constant influx of new girls)
3. finding out a new girl came all the way from DURBAN (700 km away) just for the group
   
4. food (of course!)
5. seeing how C (host) and her hubby are SUCH a good match - I LOVE IT!
   
6. frank conversations like this one...
   

I'd barely arrived when my one old friend (who is, I think, the only one who does not yet have a baby from the "old gang") asks me, "how do you and D have time for s*x with the babies?"

I love this group!

Then followed a whole conversation about tiredness, how men and women are different and a realisation that we really do not do "it" enough and how something so quick can mean so much to a man :)

I'd forgotten how open and honest these girls can be.

Since I've never been a girly girl with lots of close girlfriends, please tell me - is it just us that are so used to speaking about infertility and everything else (s*x), or do girls do this?

P.S. I need to write about this some more but let's keep this one upbeat and I'll do another post!

P.P.S. Go read this post and then comment number 1 and 3. That was me two years ago.

Gratitude and happiness

On Saturday at the infertility support group (D says it should be called fertility so as to focus on where we want to be - true!), someone asked during the group sharing session how I coped with those early newborn days without going bonkers and needing anti-depressants.

That's my paraphrase of her question.

At the time I said I didn't know but also D was great, etc.

Later I thought of a better answer.

Through everything I am always aware that I am very blessed.

Firstly to live in South Africa where childcare, night nannies and cleaning ladies are so affordable.

I am WELL aware that if we lived in a number of other countries we'd NEVER be able to afford IVF.

And then we probably wouldn't be able to afford a cleaning lady let alone a nanny.

There's a twin mommy who works at my company who can't even afford a cleaning lady let alone a nanny. Her mom looks after her girls. I am amazed she can still function as she's single!

I've written before that I don't know how some of you ladies do it - I honestly don't. I would be insane without my nanny.

And then secondly, my kids are healthy.

Even though they were 8 weeks early, there are no sight, hearing or other problems.

I always think about M's baby and how she has brain problems - I was telling my "friend with the twins" how the brain thing is becoming more apparent now...especially since mine are so alert, inquisitive and sassy... though I have not stopped praying for her.

I am blessed.

I'm not the world's most grateful person - definitely not - but maybe because of that and because I know the link between being grateful and happy, it's important for me to constantly check in and think about all the things I'm grateful for.

When I read this kind of post, I always want to know HOW.

So this is how I do it - I literally give myself a talking-to and remind myself of the good things in my life - a God that cares about the little things in my life, an involved and very hands-on husband, two precious babies, a wonderful, wonderful boss, a job that I'm good at even though I often get antsy pants, money to live comfortably in a country where the majority of people live in poverty and a fantastic climate.

When I really feel blah (not often but I have my days) there's at least something on that list to cheer me up and sometimes God also gives me a BEAUTIFUL grey sky and I'm happy again.

Are you a naturally grateful about your life? What are your tricks to feeling happy when you're having a blah day?

P.S. If you're on anti-depressants, have at it. I have no problems with AD's. This is what works for me.

P.P.S. This is my 30-min post for Steadymom's challenge

My tank is full

D & C staring at the hail

Yesterday was the first meeting of the Fertility Babies group.

We are all infertile people from our infertility support group who now have babies. I believe there are something like 28 babies born in that group over the last 2 1/2 years.

We have tons of people which is sooooooo inspiring but only 5 of us could make it. 1 was then stuck in the awful, awful Jhb traffic so she turned around and went right back home :) If all 5 of us had been there with babies, there would have been 10 babies as we all have twins LOL

We decided that we could bring kids and so one person brought her 17-month old boy/ girl twins. And the host was my friend, C, with her twin girls.

D dropped me off and we brought Connor and Kendra in for about 30 - 45 mins until Crabby Connor emerged (when he needs to sleep, he NEEDS to sleep) and they were sent back home.

(I personally am not crazy enough to bring my kids as I'll be running around non-stop)

Back to the 17-month olds.... My word, they are gorgeous! But not only that, they were an inspiration to me.

I've said many times before that I'm not a fan of the newborn stage. And even though mine are now 4 months old, they're really still only 2 months (adjusted).

So while they're now easier (eat quicker, sleep a TINY bit longer, smile a lot, etc.) I still can't wait for them to WALK and TALK and be little people I can interact with.

Seeing these two gave me so much hope because they were also born at 32 - 33 weeks and they are PERFECT! Just perfect.

However, I came home and said to D that I'm inspired by them, etc. and he says, "you really don't think ours are going to turn out like that, do you?"

I asked him what he meant and he says, "they are SOOOO sweet and well behaved; ours will be a lot naughtier".

Hmmm, probably true. Also I have ALWAYS said I want 80% good kids, 20% sassy!

So my tank is full - I love sharing and connecting with people!

D & K - talking to one another
(I was sorting out their clothes)

Infertility support - what would you do?

A friend from the group, R, feeding Connor

I've said many times on this blog and to people in real life that my infertility support group has absolutely been a life saver.

Seriously.

Those girls have encouraged me, cheered me up, cried with me, challenged me to stretch myself and inspired me to keep going.

And through the group I've made some really good friends.

Which brings me to a dilemma.

I've been going to the group since it started over two years ago. I think I only missed three times - C and I only discovered it after the first meeting, and then twice when I was travelling. So I've been going before and during the IVFs, during my pregnancy and amazingly, even since the twins were born.

We met last week again and this is the first time I felt weird.

I think it's because I've now had the babies and they were actually at home as opposed to them being in NICU.

Also all the pregnant people were there last time and this time there was only one pregnant person.

I think the dynamic is changing. When we started hardly anyone was pregnant and through the months and years there have been just a couple of girls pregnant at any one time. This year there were more pregnant people than not! Until this last group meeting.

It's right that the dynamic change and that we get new girls in all the time so that we can help more people in those early stages, who have maybe just been diagnosed with infertility, are not sure what to do, and are just figuring all of this craziness out.

A friend said to me she’s not sure about going back because she's not sure what her purpose there would be; I’m getting to that stage.

And yet I love being with all the people there and I love seeing all my friends, so what to do?

Maybe we should have a pregnant after infertility group?

I just want to be sensitive to all the new girls because I know when I was at that stage it was SO HARD to even look at a pregnant person let alone sit with them and talk, even if I knew they'd had problems conceiving. I'd think things like "why you and not me?" and "will I ever have a happily ever after?" and so on.

So what do you think?

Is it time for me to move on and just meet separately with those friends?

Breast vs bottle

I want to write so much but I don't quite know where to start because the noise in my head is loud!

Okay, some background.

I'm very goal-oriented but have never been hung up about the how to get there. If one way doesn't yield results, I'm very happy to try another and another until I get to my goal.

E.g. we wanted to have a baby, it wasn't working out the way it works for 90% of the population, so we went the IVF route.

Tried one protocol - chemical pregnancy.

Tried another - TWINS.

No problems because the outcome is the same - there's a baby.

So too with the feeding.

Our goal is to grow them big and strong; I'm again not real hung up about the how we get there.

Plan A is breastfeeding. Plan B is feeding breast milk by bottle. Plan C is formula.

As you know the babies were early at 32 weeks. I was still dealing with the pregnancy loss and didn't even THINK about breastfeeding and whatnot, until people started asking me the same questions all the time.

1. Are you planning to breastfeed?
2. Do you have milk?
3. Can you actually breastfeed preemies?

I have a confession. I deleted about 5 text messages with well-meaning questions because I was just so emotionally drained.

Eventually on the morning of day 2, I asked my doctor when he did his morning check-up, "when is this milk supposed to appear?" and he said on day 3.

So then what was everybody fussing about?! It's only day 2.

Well, we started "stimulating" the b**bs that day (with the hospital breast pump, 20 mins per side) - not a drop.

Nothing had changed by day 3 - the day I was discharged.

So I sent D to the baby shop to buy a breast pump. R2000 later (divide by 7.5 for US$), I had my Phillips Avent but still not a drop.

On the Saturday there were a few drops and then they went rock hard and ginormous on the Sunday (day 5). My pregnant belly was the 8th wonder of the world; these were the 9th!

I chatted to the nurses on Sunday afternoon - they felt my pump might be too weak! So phoned a lactation consultant who phoned me back the next day.

Monday 13th
Lactation consultant phoned back. There's no point in her seeing me now before the babies are out but "you need to get that milk out". Try warm compresses and cabbage leaves.

Since we don't eat cabbages, tried the warm compresses and hot showers - nothing but drops.

Tuesday 14th
Sent my friend a text message and asked her if she had cabbage. She didn't but was at the shops so she bought me one. Well, it's winter here and those cabbage leaves were ICE cold but they seemed to do the trick as my breasts were softening and now I was getting a tablespoon of liquid. I'd put a cabbage leaf and then use a piece of kitchen towel over that and then pull down my bra. And you said I wasn't a fashionista :)

Tues pm
Went to maternity to use their breast pump to see if there was any difference. None so it's not the breast pump; it is, in fact, my defective body!

Same story Wed and Thurs and Friday - only about a tablespoon of milk

On Friday night, my husband says, "don’t you want to stop? it looks like it is such a lot of work for so little reward".

I said, "well first of all, R2000!!!! And secondly, today’s just a week."

It takes about an hour to get maybe 2 tablespoons of liquid and you can do nothing because you have to hold that pump in exactly the right position, not one degree off. It only does one b**b at a time.

So I saw the doctor and asked what he could give me for the milk.

He gave me a prescription for Es.piride which is a generic of Eg.lynol.

I thought it was for lactation first and then secondly, an anti-depressant. However, I see it's first an AD and then has the side effect of helping along the lactating.

Okayyyyy then....

I've never been on AD's and really, I don't need it but I'm staying on for a couple of weeks just to persist with this milk thing.

So is this what ADs feel like? (this is day 5 on Esp.iride)

I'm a bit numb – I don’t feel myself – way too calm and dispassionate, like there's a filter between me and my emotions. I’m usually quite passionate and feel really strongly about things. But I'm not a moody person and I'm generally (80% of the time) very optimistic, the other 20% realistic.

I don’t feel depressed – yes I do cry, but it feels normal to me because it’s less than an hour a day, on the days when it does happen, so I feel it is unnecessary but am doing my bit for the team by staying on the meds for a bit!

On Sunday I was allowed to undo Kendra's foot monitor and take her to D to hold so the twins could have their first pic together. Normally I'd be so excited and in my head I am. It's just that I can't really feel that excitement, you know?

A work friend actually said to me on Saturday “you’re way too calm for someone with two babies in the ICU” and I feel exactly that.

On the bright side, no more crying! But how weird – I prefer the crying!!!

Like I said to the girls at the IF support group last night, I am WELL aware that my body's defective and have made my peace with that long ago. What bugs me is people's expectations. and I am battling with this – my body’s failed in so many other ways – at least I carried the twins okay and they are healthy! – because this b/feeding business is not endearing itself to me at all.

Although I am now armed with some knowledge - that it can take up to 3 weeks, even longer. That I need to give this medication a chance to regulate within my body, at least 10 days. I was ready to stop the Esp.iride after a week because I feel too weird.

Am I making too big a deal about this? Is it me wanting to be in control of my emotions?

Any tips on the breast/ bottle thing? And on the AD's?

Updates & 29 weeks today

I don't know if I ever told you about the 4am parties?

Well, the babies went through a patch a couple of weeks ago where they'd kick me so hard at 4am in the morning that I'd actually wake up. This is in itself rare for me because I sleep like a log.

It didn't bother me so much but one night I was facing my husband and his hand was near when the 4am party started and he woke.

Well, after a couple of days of this, he had a talk with the young 'uns and told them to stop waking us up - we need our sleep.

And do you know they've stopped? They now wait for me to wake in the mornings and then we have ourselves a little love fest. They do their thing, I talk to them and just enjoy all the movements - it's LOVELY and also the reason I'm late almost every day for work!

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My theory on the bleeding is that it's the boy's fault :)

Example 1
We had a scan and he was positioned one way, I had the bleeding and then at a second scan a week later, he'd totally flipped around.

Example 2
After bleeding episode number 2, we found that they'd both moved again.

So since then, I've told both of them that they can move but not too much too soon - I don't want to see any blood!

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Another good thing about the big bump is that I don't seem to be as constipated anymore. It's actually wonderful to just go!

I wonder if it's the pressure of the bump or what it is. But whatever, I'm not questioning it; I'm just very very grateful.

Although now something else has started happening. I've never been great spatially but at least I had a sense of my personal space.

Well, I still haven't got my head around the fact that I'm so big because I don't open the shower door wide enough and bump the bump, think I can still squeeze into small spaces, etc.

It is CRAZY!

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Oh and the eating.

First off, I can't hold anything on my lap and even when I'm at work, I'm sitting so far away from my desk because there's just not enough space with the bump.

But aside from that, I've started feeling really hungry again like I MUST EAT NOW. So have taken to carrying loads of food with me again.

I'm eating a bit more at lunch time and slightly more at supper - that seems to do it for the babies and me.

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And of course, we're officially 29 weeks today! Yes!!!

By the way, there are 7 pregnant girls in our infertility support group - 7!!!! And guess how many babies? 11 :)

God is so good! If you're reading and haven't seen those two lines yet, hang in there - I have NO DOUBT that it'll be your turn soon.

Dream boards

Can you see the picture stuck on my wardrobe, next to my head?

That's my dream board. Some people also call them vision boards. The name doesn't matter much; it's the concept that's important.

I teach goals and goal-setting and when I do workshops, because there's more time than at just a talk, I usually let the participants work on their dream boards for about 30 minutes.

Well, at one particular workshop I did for a church group, they were all busy with theirs so I decided to make one of my own.

I already had a general one and one specifically for my business, so I thought, "what don't I have in my life?"

Of course that was a baby.

We'd been "trying" for about a year and three months, and I was still at the stage where you think, I'm sure it's going to happen soon.

In other words, firmly rooted in denial.

So I made this dream board.

There's a pic of twins, a newborn baby, a pregnant woman (who looks a bit like me) because I knew I wanted to be pregnant and a 2 - 3 year old.

I laminated it and put it on my wardrobe and it's been there for nearly 3 years now (since around May 2006).

Every morning when we did my IVF injections in bed I'd look at that picture to keep me focussed on my goal, and not on the physical pain of the injections (I'm a big baby!).

And then I forgot about it, through the three positive betas, and the early scans.

I only realised a little over a month ago that my dream's come true. Well, we're 50% there.

So I took my dream board with me to our infertility support group to share with the ladies :)

I'm not coming from a place of being all-knowing because I'm don't know everything, but I do know that keeping your goals in front of you on a daily basis helps you focus on the outcome and not on the process.

I know with me, it really helped to always just think about my dark-haired baby because I knew the how would work out somehow.

And so ends our goal-setting lesson for today :) Hope this helped someone out there.

I think I'm going to make another dream board with healthy, happy twins to keep me focussed on the next stage :)

Finally, some symptoms

My hubby reminded me this evening of how when I was very newly pregnant, I used to say to the babies, "come on, you guys need to grow nice and big" and now I am gigantic!

At least they listened and are well-behaved children :)

Anyway, looks like because the first trimester symptoms bypassed me (except for the extreme fatigue), I've got some second trimester symptoms:

constipation
I've never been totally regular so I've always eaten lots of fruit, bran-type cereals and lately, a mug of green tea every evening, to help things along. In addition to my 2L (at least) water daily.

Well, that hasn't been working so well. And it seems like it's gotten worse over the last couple of weeks.

Last week it was so painful I bled (sorry, tmi) and so this went on the shopping list...

That's right - prunes and prune juice!

In my pre-pregnant days, 3 prunes a day would do the trick but I've heard that prune juice is much more potent so we'll see....

All I know is I've been very diligent since the bleeding to eat 3 fruits a day (apples and grapes) and get all my roughage in, and it's been better.

headaches
Seems like nearly every day now I seem to have a headache. These are a bit weird though because they only happen when I move.

If I sit still at my desk, I wouldn't even know about them. The minute I get up and move, I feel the pain. When I stand at the kitchen counter chopping vegetables or whatnot, there's nothing.

Don't worry - I have it on my list to talk to the doctor about although "What to Expect" says headaches are normal and I also checked with my colleague if his wife had headaches, and she has the same thing going on.

heartburn
I didn't even know what heartburn was because I'd never had it before so one evening I felt a mild burn and asked my hubby to tell me what it felt like.

Well, what do you know? Apparently I have some heartburn.

Really, it's hardly anything and I only get it maybe once every 2 - 3 days. There was a lady in the infertility support group who used to drink Gaviscon constantly because of her heartburn. I'm nowhere near that, thank God.

I'm trying to isolate the foods that trigger this - I think it may be the spicier food because on Sunday evening last week, I had wholewheat toast with melrose cheese spread and chilli chutney (it is a LOVELY combination - I've eaten it like this since I was about 15 years old) and I had some heartburn.

I am soooo not complaining - in fact, the crazy part of me feels glad that I feel SOMETHING going on.

Only 3 more days til the 16-week scan.............

In or out of the IVF closet

Today I am exactly 10 weeks pregnant and I'm still in the IVF closet.

There are very few people who know that (a) we were trying, (b) we went for IVF and (c) that we're pregnant.

Of course my whole infertility group knows and I had to say to one of them, "please don't write anything on my facebook wall" because of all the real-life friends.

We're waiting for the 12-week scan to be normal and then we'll tell everyone else.

That's on 18 Feb so we've already planned to phone our parents and D's sister. My sister knows the bare bones of the story because she "struggled" for 18 months but then they did fall pregnant naturally. D's sister asked after my last op, "are you guys trying to have a baby?" so he had to say yes.

Other than that, our entire family knows nothing.

At work only two people know that I'm pregnant. My boss and a colleague who sits behind me - his wife has had two miscarriages so we talk about babies. And he knows everything.

The clinic faxed the referral report to me (without phoning me first - I was FURIOUS!) today and someone forwarded the fax to me from our central inbox. My heart stood still when I saw what the fax was about.

She probably has read it - the only good thing is that it was 8 pages long and the pregnancy was only the last 2 pages, so if she got bored, she may not have looked that far.... I can hope, can't I?

This is the ungrateful pregnant person I moaned about two years ago. Of course since those days I've not said a single thing to her about anything.

There's one other lady at work I spoke to after my first IVF failure and she was one of those trying to be compassionate "maybe it wasn't meant to be" people which drives me BATTY!

The reason we're in the IVF closet is two-fold actually:

1) we generally are very private people - D more so than me
2) I hate stupid questions and want to SLAP people when they say idiotic things. I also do my bit to educate the well-intentioned but ignorant fertile people but it gets a bit much some times. You know all the "the reason you two can travel so much is because you don't have children" remarks. GRRR
3) somehow this IVF thing seems to be "frowned on" in our type of church because it's like you're "not standing in faith" or some such thing.

After some comments like that by friends of ours, I got tough (well, I am tough, but I got really hard and cold) and I've told friends of mine straight up, "I don't want to talk about anything like this with you because we clearly disagree". D says he's surprised she still talks to me :)

A pastor we're really, really close to knows everything too - in fact we're having supper together tomorrow and we'll tell him then.

Funny thing is a lot of our non-Christian friends know about the IVF and are so accepting of everything and, as a result, we've told them quite a bit more. We were on the phone with friends in London and D told him our news. He was so excited and has nicknamed the twins, Andrew and Jennifer (very English but SOOOO not my type of name). Still it's better than calling them my kidney beans!

I seem to find it easier to tell people I don't know that well, e.g. I chatted to two coaches recently and told them both very easily. I signed up for a teleseminar series and wanted to check something before paying (that I'd be able to send in questions even if not on the calls live) and I said it in the email NO problem. A lot of my online friends know about everything IVF, even the pregnancy.

Why is it that I share so easily with the entire online world but I don't with real life people? Clearly I have intimacy problems.

So, all the rambling aside, I would DEARLY love to know about you.

Are you in or out of the IVF closet? If you're out, when did you tell people and what were their reactions?

P.S. And if you're pregnant, when did you start telling people?

Infertility support group

My monthly support group on Monday was just fabulous - I felt fertile and like a "real" part of proceedings because I'd entered the secret club of IVF.

Coincidentally my friend who's pregnant with twins was wearing the exact same colours as I was. Of course, I took it as a "sign".

We were a smaller group than usual which was lovely because we could all talk a lot more! One of my friends (who's been encouraging me with text messages) was a bit "off" though - I think she felt left out with all the IVF talk. They can only afford to do theirs next year, around Feb/ March. I tried to draw her out, but nothing. So I'll send her some text messages.

One of the new girls is in the middle of an IVF cycle so we all said next time when we come back, the two of us will be pregnant.

The clinic gave us literature explaining that "there is nothing you can do to control the outcome" and "whether you stress out or relax won't affect the outcome", both of which make me feel a little out of control. Which, of course, I am!

I don't know how I should feel now - on the one hand, I'm trying to block it out but on the other hand, I feel like I don't want to get too excited. It's crazy!

I reconciled the budget today - what I do is a separate spreadsheet called baby. I kept track of exactly what I paid and when. It's so easy to forget how much it all costs when you're paying a bit here and a bit there. These 3 weeks of going through this IVF cycle cost us R34 000 (would have been R37500 if we got the medication from the clinic, and not from the pharmacy). That is crazy!

(BTW, did I tell you guys I'm in South Africa?)

There's no point to this post; I just wanted to keep you guys updated.

Goodnight!

(debbie, can't wait to hear your news!)

Touched

we had our end-of-year party at the infertility support group on 12 Nov.

It was so lovely to see everyone just relaxing for a change. My friend couldn't come with me but I went alone anyway (I was so proud of myself for driving all that way alone).

we decided to exchange gifts so we each brought a small gift to exchange. I got gift wrap, ribbon, gift tags and an advent calendar - just my idea of a perfect clutter-free gift :)

then the lady who hosts the monthly gathering announced that she and her co-host bought a piece of jewellery to be given to a different lady every time we met, so that we'd know that we have people who understand our situation and that support us in our journey. isn't that sweet?

But wait! (I sound like an infomercial :)) then she says the first recipient of this beautiful silver heart pendant is ME! Because she's been inspired by my calmness and peace and faith in God through this whole crazy ride.

And wow - I could NOT believe it. We really don't know what people are thinking of us and our testimony.

One thing I have said to my hubby from the beginning (after I started accepting things) is that one day when this dreadful journey is over, I'm writing a Christian book on infertility. So I can let people know they're not alone (even though it feels like the whole world has babies without even trying :)) and use what I'm going through for good!

But can you believe it - me!

Support group 2 - Sept

When I was checking to see if the previous post looked okay, I realised that I didn't tell you about the second one.

Well, it was on 3 September already! *shock*

We were a smaller group than last time and because I knew most of those people from last time, I was a lot more comfortable.

Even when I got the questions!

Because the fact is, we're believing God to heal us and having sex. That's it!

For most people, this means we're doing nothing. But I've gotten okay with that. I have realised that every situation is different and so is every couple. And I just don't feel okay with IVF right now. I don't disagree with it; I just don't think it's for us. I don't know if it ever will be.

And this time, there was a lady who was similar to me. She said she knew she could never go through with IVF and just decided to forget about the whole baby thing (due to personal reasons - someone close to her got very sick). Four years later, she was pregnant and now has a gorgeous son.

So I felt like I wasn't that weird.

The other day I read on Boho's blog about how she found the medical experience after her laparoscopy for endometriosis so cold. And so one-sided in that they almost force you to just go for heavy-duty IVF while you're still reeling from the shock of the whole thing.

Of course, I relate so well.

She got lots of support in the comments and fortunately, she's very strong so I know she'll stand up for what she believes is right for her body and family.

Next group will be first week in October and I've told my friend I'll go again.