Slowing down

I can't believe my wonderful energy burst is nearly gone!

I was exhausted during the first trimester but then at 11 weeks, I had a wonderful return of energy and felt "normal" again.

Last Friday (23w2d) I noticed I was yawning away at work (just like during the early days) so I think it’s getting to that stage where I need to start slowing down again.

When I saw the doctor this week he said to me, “are you finally going to start acting like a pregnant woman?” LOL This is, of course, after all the travelling... and you’ll be happy to know I said YES, I am so ready!

I'm not as tired as I was during the first trimester but I definitely feel the bulk of this big belly.

It's awkward to get out of bed, to change sides in bed and when I have to walk more than 100 or 200 metres.

I don't complain because I'm so, so grateful to be pregnant so my husband didn't even know until I let slip with something and said, "yes, it's always sore to change sides"

Which brings me to Preggi Bellies. I haven't been to a class since 21st April (before all the travels) so I need to go back this week.

I skipped two classes that I could have attended but one was right after I got back and the other was last week after the bleeding episode so that was a convenient excuse.

Apparently you can do Preggi Bellies until you have your babies but if you don't use up all your classes, you can use the remaining sessions after the babies are born, which I’ll have to do since I’ll never be able to squeeze in two classes a week right up until the end.

Weight gain
I’ve put on 8kg to date (3.6 pounds) and am determined not to get to more than 15kg.

I must say it's really useful having twins because they're useful to justify the weight! I don't care one iota but people keep saying, "when are you having the baby?" or "how far are you?" and look suitably horrified when they find out I'm only 24 weeks!

When I say, "well, they're twins" then they go, "oh, that's okay then" and yet it's only 8kg! I was a normal weight before pregnancy or maybe 2kg overweight but really, nothing major, so I don't know what all this fuss is about.

From the top looking down, the belly does not look that bad but when I pass a mirror, that's when the full impact hits me :)

Kind of like this:

this is what my husband sees at night - not very attractive!

can you see the mark I'm pointing at? It's my laparoscopy scar and yes, look where it is now - miles away from its original location

can you see the weird shape on the right? That's my boy's bum - he pushes it out and my belly feels really hard

I can't believe they're this small

That's my husband with a friend's son (6 weeks old) in Ireland. He was born at 34 weeks because his mum had HELLP.

look at these tiny little hands

and gorgeous little feet

Dear Lord, I'm going to have two of these in 12 weeks! How am I going to cope?

Bleeding

On Friday last week my husband sat me down and we did a loose Project Plan for the babies.

If you're into project management, then I apologise but I think it's the most boring thing (after financial spreadsheets and reports) ever :)

Basically, we made a list of everything we had to do and prioritised it.

So on Saturday we set out and started tackling that list - we went to four baby shops all in the same mall and made decisions on...

• cots (we want the ones that convert to toddler beds)
• pram (Graca Duo Rider)
• car seats
• compactum (not sure if we'll have enough space with the 2 cots or even if we need it...but we'll see)

The main things!

And then, just when I start relaxing about this pregnancy, I went to the toilet at about 4:30 and what should I find?

Blood!

Not red, but brown. Not a lot but a smear nonetheless.

I went totally numb and called my husband to come look.

We decided I should rest for an hour and if it was still the same, page the doctor.

So an hour later, off I went again and it was much the same.

Paged the doctor who phoned me back within minutes. Great fast service and amazingly he was all business and professional, not laid back and jokey like at our appointments.

He was glad it wasn't red and that I had no pain or cramping with the bleeding. I'd felt both babies move and that was a positive sign too.

He said to rest and not have sex but to phone again if there was any pain or cramping or if the babies stopped moving or if the blood went red. Apparently the brown blood was old and whatever happened would have happened a day or two prior.

Fortunately none of that happened. It was brown the whole of Sat evening but didn't increase.

Now here's the snag - I had to fly to Durban the next afternoon to organise a client's home office. She'd already paid me 50% and had paid the flights.

I hate letting people down but of course, the babies are most important and yet I was so conflicted that I started questioning WHY the conflict. Shouldn't it be clear? I should cancel the trip.

Anyway, I'd eventually decided if the bleeding hadn't stopped by the following morning, I'd phone her and cancel.

The next morning there was some dry overnight blood but nothing new - thank the Lord!

And there has been no bleeding since.

I had my trip - nothing heavy - I was assertive as anything as I just roped total strangers into hauling my suitcase off the luggage carousels...in a nice way of course. The big belly has some benefits!

BUT this gave me a HELL of a shock and I'm realising things can change in a heartbeat and I need to slow down and take care of ME for the babies' sake.

P.S. The way the doctor responded on the phone totally reassured me and I'm entirely comforted by him now :)

The second opinion & 22 weeks pics

So we went for the second opinion last week at 23w1d. Our appointment was at 4:30 and his nurse phoned at around lunch time to check that I was still coming which was nice...and unusual for doctors' offices.

I got there just in time and my hubby was his usual 5 minutes late :) but we waited until about 5:30 to see him.

There was a girl waiting so I asked her what time her appt was. 4:00. Dear Lord - my face obviously showed my feelings because she said that he often runs late because of emergencies and so on. Apparently he gives you his cell phone number so you can phone him directly if there is ever anything wrong.

Anywayyyy, this guy was Greek with a really strong accent and I really battled to understand him at first. I kept looking at my husband to "translate" and eventually I got there.

He asked us who we'd been seeing and my husband just blurted it out before I could say my "I'd prefer not to say" prepared statement. I just knew they all know one another and sure enough he goes, "oh yes, GC, I do know him"

My main thing was the discrepancy in the babies' sizes and he said it was only a problem if they shared a placenta but since they each have their own, it is all okay. If the babies are more than 500g apart, then they'd start to worry. He even drew pictures for me and I was happy.

So then we got onto the fun bit - the scan. The (what I think is a) girl weighed 584g and the boy weighed 634g - both looked great, good heartbeats, movement, etc.

My blood pressure was 80/50 - as usual, very low!

He couldn't tell at all about their genders and asked me if that was really important to me. I said of course their health is the MOST important thing but yes, I do want to know the girl's sex for sure.

He recommended we see a fetal assessment specialist who would definitely be able to tell us. I made the appt but am not sure I'll keep it because I want to have my 4D scan before that and hopefully she can tell us.

Why is this child so stubborn?!

He was talking about getting all my blood results and whatnot from the other doctor which kind of freaked me out because it didn't feel right.

So I prayed while driving home and unbeknown to me at the time, so did D. We were in separate cars.

When we got home, he says to me, "I don't think it's right that we switch doctors." I also got that sense but wanted to hear his reasons :)

• they were similar in their approach, in other words, non-paranoid :)
• it seems infertility doctors are a lot more nitpicky because the stakes are higher
• I felt more comfortable with the first doc after seeing this one

The next morning I phoned up the new doc to thank him very much for setting my mind at ease and to tell him that there was no need to get my blood results as I'd decided not to move doctors.

All very nice and civilised :)

And here are some pics from 22 weeks 1 day, taken in Wicklow, Ireland. Black really is slimming, isn't it?

But then have a look at the side view!

21 weeks pics - yes, I'm waaay behind

This is the day we voted in our general elections.

My sister, her husband and son had come to visit and we squeezed in this photo shoot just before bedtime.

We took the family pics after my 21-week shots and my sister's two-year-old lifted his top because I'd done so - toooo cute!




If you're into Mother's Day, Happy Mother's Day - I still feel really weird about it and I'm not sure I'll feel better next year when I have live babies... but there you go, that's my issue!

So I'm back!

We had a lovely time in Dublin, Ireland but I am very, very happy to be home.

Are you like that too?

I LOVE going away and enjoy it tremendously wherever I am (provided it's not too hot) but I LOVE coming home too.

The minute I get to the airport and am checked in, I start thinking of home.

Anyway, Ireland.

It was lovely, grey, rainy, cold weather which simply delights me. All the South Africans think I'm weird because I love cold weather so much.

What is it about the cold that I love? The crispness of the air, everything feels cleaner outside, I can have lots of tea (!), dress warm, wear gloves, eat soup, etc, etc.

The one thing I will say is that a city holiday is not a place for a pregnant woman. And we consciously didn't do many walking-type activities, rode the bus/ LUAS as much as possible and still there was a lot of walking.

One morning we had to rush to meet our tour bus and I had to walk FAST. By the time I got there I was absolutely pooped and very teary - "what if I'm doing something to the babies by pushing myself this much?"

Had a bit of a cry on D's shoulder. He is an AMAZING man generally, and more so for putting up with me. Really!

Then I had a moment on the LUAS (tram) one evening. Those Irish people do not give a DAMN whether you are old, pregnant, a woman, etc.(very strange because in South Africa, we're taught to give up our seats - it's good manners :)) - they keep their seats. So frustrating when you see young, able-bodied men sitting and big, pregnant me hanging onto those poles for dear life.

I actually said to our friend, "good thing you're with us otherwise I would have been moaning and whinging some more" and I was not joking!

Oh! We had a bumper bashing one evening and I felt the one baby move very strongly (it felt like she was twisting) and then there was NOTHING for awhile. I was freaking out and told myself if I feel nothing by the morning, I'll have to suck it up and pay Euro to go see a doctor, but fortunately, the next morning she was doing her morning aerobics again and I was a happy mother!

It was lovely spending time with our friends but also a bit frustrating because they're unstructured and we're very structured (I didn't realise we were that structured until living with them) so in the evenings we had supper at 9:30 - 10:00 pm because it was "should we cook? should we go out?" every night! That frustrated me big-time. At home, we decide these things in advance and then just do it. And of course I have a menu plan so I don't have to do much thinking on the actual day.

The one night I actually just said I'm done with this - I'll make a toasted sandwich at home and you guys can go out. I am clearly led of God because D said they actually didn't eat anything until well after midnight!

The actual flights were not too bad. The Jhb legs of the trips were empty so I could stretch out over 4 seats and sleep - lovely, and the Dublin legs were understandably full, and full of noisy kids. I told mine they'd better be good travellers because I can't deal with all that screaming! Felt very taken care of by the air hostesses who kept bringing me extra pillows, water, etc. because I'm pregnant.

So that's our last pre-babies trip and I am happy to "retire" my suitcases for awhile. It just gets too stressful.

Well, I have an organising job in Durban on Monday and Tuesday next week so one last flight (only 45 minutes this time) and then, finally, I can relax and wait for the babies.

Quick update while on holiday

1. I'm in Ireland on holiday :) Yes, I'm crazy!

Will update late next week - I didn't bring my laptop and am quickly doing this from our friend's computer but that is IT!


2. Also, my friend is PREGNANT - she has had two betas with nicely doubling figures - I am soooo happy.

I am praying for everyone else out there that this is the start of a new wave of pregnancies!

3. I am huge and round. Am finally ready to admit it. Before I left I'd put on 5,9 kg. It's definitely more than that now.

4. Yesterday was our 14-year anniversary! The last one without babies :)

2nd opinions

Edited because... I am an idiot and forgot to edit this portion of an email to a friend, delayed the date and promptly forgot about it!

Let's call it preggy brain, shall we? :)

Yes, so we decided to get a second opinion because of the differing babies' weights.

When we went in for our 20-week scan, the babies were 285 and 355g.

The doctor was very, very laid back about that, even with the one baby being so much bigger than the other (24,5% bigger). Normally, I wouldn't have been worried at all BUT (and this is a big BUT) he'd told us before that they don’t want twins’ weights different by more than 25%.

I don’t think anything is wrong because the babies are both fine (even the slightly smaller one) and their organs, etc. all measure perfectly BUT still… it has been a long road to get here and I don't want to assume anything.

That's reason number one.

Now onto reason number two.

I do realise I'm more high maintenance than the women he normally deals with because of the infertility. I even warned him at our first appointment :)

So because he's used to normal women it could be just us but I'm used to more micromanaging... normally I don't like this, but with this pregnancy I want to be managed carefully like the infertility clinic did.

Actually, there's another reason.

My husband came home and asked what I thought about the appt. Weird. So he said it seems as if the doc is just brushing over our concerns and "everything is fine".

Everything could well be fine and this could just be the way of "normal" docs so we decided to phone around and find someone who could see us quickly to set our minds at ease.

That appt is set for 7 May at another hospital - will cost us three times the current consultation fee but it is ALL worth it for my peace of mind.

Right?

Statistically speaking

Speaking of stats, I understand them intellectually, really I do.

I get that the success rates of IVF are 33% or whatever.

But still it's so hard when I hear of IVFs not working, whether it's the person's first, second or fourth.

My one friend is going through her second IVF right now and is in the middle of the 2ww. Her first one was two years ago.

Yes, you read that right. Years ago.

They just about got it all together to give it a go and on Sunday morning she texts me telling me she has bad period and back pain.

Oh I do hope it's implantation pains, like the ones I had, because she said to me she's numb.

And I know that feeling oh too well.

If this is 5% then what's 100%?

20 weeks

At our appointment on Wednesday, I asked the doctor why it was that the one baby (the girl) is so active and yet I don't feel the boy that much.

The strange thing is that on the scans, the boy is always much more active. He flipped around twice during one appointment and the girl turned once - they're like little fish.

He told me that at this stage, you only feel 5 - 10% of the babies' movements.

WOW

Because sometimes they really go at it, exercising in there and having fun.

In fact, this morning I woke because they were moving about so much which was cool but really weird if you know my sleeping patterns because I sleep like a log and NOTHING wakes me until I'm ready.

I've figured out how to make them both move at night.

I place my hands parallel to my belly button, once on each baby, and just lie very still. I think they like the warmth because soon afterwards, I start feeling the movements. It's so lovely but more importantly, reassuring, because I know that finally things are going well down there.

p.s Last Sunday, I saw my tummy move - I think that was the boy. Have only seen it move once more since then. And my DH still hasn't felt them move. I want him to be the first because I would hate for some arbitrary person to touch me and have one of the babies move.

The other baby's a ...

Well, it’s complicated.

He’s 95% sure the other one is a girl; I’m 100% sure because...well... it’s very clear when you look at the boy’s bits that he’s a boy, by virtue of the other baby not having clear boy bits, I think she must be a girl.

They are 20cm long; one is 285g and the other is 355g – we checked to see if he got the weights right since they’re so far apart, and they are – the boy is the big one.

So that’s where we are – a nice, plump boy and a “petite” girl

We're thinking of getting a 2nd opinion on the weights because this Dr is so blasé. Or should I say, relaxed.

I don't do relaxed very well.

It could be that we’re used to the high maintenance care from the fertility clinic but I don’t know...

Is this something to worry about?

P.S. Oh, this was the 20-week scan! 20 weeks - I still can't believe it. Someone at work said when she found we're having twins, "you need to give me the recipe for that. I'd love twins" so I said, "IVF. These are IVF babies" to shocked silence. I must be a bit of a drama queen because I got a kick out of that :)

19 weeks belly pics

These babies are growing beautifully!

pregnancy guilt

A friend from my infertility group messaged me on Facebook to see how I was doing so I told her, "I feel guilty for being pregnant. Am I crazy?"

She said that I'm not crazy because she also felt guilty when she fell pregnant and everyone else wasn't.

But this whole thing got me thinking because I don't want to be insensitive to others who are still fighting the infertility fight.

• I don't send any of my non-pregnant friends updates after my doctors appointments
• I definitely don't send pregnant pics
• I don't talk baby "oh, I felt the babies kick"
• I don't complain about the pregnancy (okay, there's nothing to complain about, but still!)

I can still remember how the ungrateful pregnant person who works with me complained, whined and moaned when she was pregnant...and how I wanted to SLAP her. Seriously.

I used to just walk away or pretend that I had to do something urgent, like make a phone call.

I've also been really sad and teary (is this just pregnancy hormones?) lately, hearing about all the negative results from IVFs.

We know two of the ladies from the blogs - Faith and Mo. A friend of mine (my room-mate from my last surgery) had the exact same cycle as Mo and hers was also negative. When she told me, I sat here at my computer crying. Literally. Another friend from the infertility group had a chemical pregnancy recently and when I heard that, I got all teary (helped that I was at work).

The thing is I feel incredibly blessed.

Yes, I know I didn't have an easy time either but when I compare myself to others, I think, "I only had 2 IVFs"

Sometimes people are judgemental about others trying again and again and again...I can totally understand it - that would have definitely been me had this one not worked out.

Anyway, this post is going nowhere but I do want to ask this: if you're pregnant, do you ever feel pregnancy guilt?

Baby movements & 19 weeks

I totally forgot to tell you that I've been feeling baby movements.

I felt the one baby move at 15 weeks 2 days and the other one the next day. Almost like the one got jealous of my excitement :)

That is also the exact same time I stopped worrying about them so much.

Those two incidents may or may not be related.

I am SOOO joking - of course they're related!

Of course, the big belly helps too. It's hard to think there's something wrong when I'm THIS huge.

I console myself by reading What to Expect because I weigh exactly what I should for a singleton pregnancy.

I can't really explain what it feels like because the two of them feel different - the one at the bottom (Twin A) feels more insistent and the other one (Twin B) is a bit more laidback, almost like he's swimming!

I've noticed that they like it when I'm very still, like now at the computer, or when I go to bed and read at night. The one baby (Twin B) gets a fright when I have an ice-cold glass of orange juice in the mornings and has a nice little wiggle.

So then I said to D later that day, "oh, let's make him move again" but he was wise to my tricks and wouldn't move :) He relaxed after a few days though and now moves when I drink cold liquids again.

I like to picture them in there talking about us or pleasing us by moving... yes, it's weird but I do have an active imagination and how else am I supposed to amuse myself while they're still in there?

We were in bed on the weekend... and afterwards, they were both very still, even Twin A who likes moving when I'm in bed. I said they're probably saying, "what was THAT?"

LOL

And the moral of the story is...

Last week was really hectic because we finally launched a new product that we'd been working on for over a year.

Huge excitement especially for an ESTJ like me who likes to Get Things Done.

Well, said product launch was on Thursday evening and I was so busy schmoozing brokers, press, suppliers, etc. (incidentally, this is my favourite part of the evening - I always feel I can do better at the presentations so it's hard for me to just focus - I do talks for my business part-time so I am experienced) that I didn't eat properly.

I ate two small pieces of chicken and two little desserts at 6pm. That's it.

When I got home I wasn't hungry and didn't bother eating.

The next day I got to work a little later and only had my breakfast at 10:00am. That's about 16 hours without food.

Remember I felt fine. Or so I thought.

Well I had a meeting at 10 am (a post-mortem of the previous evening's events) and about 20 minutes into the meeting, I started feeling really hot.

At first I thought it was the air con or lack of it. Which now I think about it is weird because I'm actually always cold.

Then my head started feeling all lightheaded and I got these pains on the right side. And nauseous!

I managed to get through until about 11 and then I excused myself to go to the loo. Did my business, splashed face, nothing made me feel better.

The meeting ended at about 11:20 and I stumbled to my desk and tried to Google to find out what was wrong with me.

Now a big ALARM BELL for me was I couldn't even be bothered to look at the Internet and read up about what could be wrong.

I emailed my husband who told me to phone the doctor immediately which I did. She (receptionist) then said to get my blood pressure tested and phone her right back.

Fortunately we have a nurse on the premises so off I went to her and she tested everything - blood pressure (90/60), blood sugar (3.9) and urine (all fine).

Since my BP and blood sugar were low, she said to go eat (by this time it was lunch time) something salty and if I wasn't better, to phone the doc again.

I ate some salted popcorn and some fruit (all I could stomach) and phoned the doctor back, reported the low BP and she said the same thing (eat and go home to rest - you should be fine in a few hours. If not, page him).

I emailed D and said "come fetch me and take me home" because I didn’t even feel well enough to drive myself home.

Once I got home, I ate some salticrax with cheese, drank lots of water and rested. I felt better almost immediately (it was quite amazing - I still can't believe how quickly our bodies adapt) but stayed in bed and had a sleep anyway.

And I've been totally fine ever since.

That was SOOOOOOOOO scary and something I do NOT wish to repeat in a hurry.

The moral of the story: eat even if you don’t feel hungry!

18 weeks belly pictures

I warned you, didn't I?

Thank goodness this is half way for a twin pregnancy because I honestly don't know WHERE they expect to grow to :)

18 weeks and I'm literally exploding out of my clothes

I've been quiet because I've been so hectic at work with a product that launches tomorrow.

I've worked really well for three days straight, am feeling slightly more relaxed so am rewarding myself by writing a quick blog!

Well yesterday I wore my standard black pants that I could still fit into and a black shirt with buttons down the front. Everything looked quite fine at home.

During the day the babies must have decided that it's time to suddenly grow.

I swear around lunch time I suddenly got very uncomfortable so I undid the last two buttons of my shirt (I was working at my desk so nobody saw anything) and then couldn't do them back up.

No matter how much I pulled in my tummy, that shirt would not close enough for me to button up.

So I took a picture with my cell phone because I knew no-one would believe me.


Of course last night was my Preggi Bellies class which is a great time to compare belly size and so on with the other ladies.

I still don't feel huge but when I look in the mirror, well...that's another story.

I've only gained 4kg (X2.2 for pounds) which is fine for a singleton let alone a twin pregnancy according to "What to expect" but still everyone else looks so small!

books on my nightstand

We're still taking pics - I just have to download from the other camera. Will show you soon.

I had a moment at Preggi Bellies

16 weeks

Preggi Bellies are exercise classes for pregnant women.

They are trained physios so they make sure you and the baby (or babies) don’t get hurt while exercising.

I'm usually (my non-pregnant self) very active - not a total gym bunny, but a twice a week gym person nevertheless, always take stairs, not lazy to walk, etc.

So not being active even though for a good reason has not felt like me.

When I asked my doctor about exercise (because my clinic banned me from anything since I had that tendency to bleed early on), he said rather go to Preggy Bellies than a normal exercise class.

I’ve had 4 classes and am loving it!

It is HECTIC (I thought it would be all zen and stretching, etc. Ha!) but afterwards you have that lovely, nice tired feeling. And of course you feel stronger.

The main thing is that there are girls in the class who are in that last month (36 weeks and later) who are MOBILE and who are looking FABULOUS!

I'm about results and there they are - right in front of my eyes!

When I saw the doctor for the 16-week scan, I saw in my file that they sent him a letter to tell him I’ve joined – I was very impressed. They did ask on the form who the doctor was but I thought it’s just in case something happens while at the class.

Anyway, about my "moment"...

I was bouncing away on the ball doing my thing and I suddenly realised, "I'm at an exercise class for pregnant women. I am actually pregnant."

I still canNOT believe it.

Well, I got all teary-eyed and soft thinking about how grateful I am to be here. I certainly don't take any of this for granted.

Do you currently exercise? (pregnant or not) What do you like to do?

Apple pie and custard

After our maternity clothes shopping expedition, we went to a coffee shop where I ordered apple crumble and ice-cream – ate all the ice-cream but only two bites of the apple pie because it wasn’t warmed to my satisfaction (very fussy) and didn’t want to make a fuss because we'd met up with some friends of ours.

The plan was to take it home, make custard and enjoy it as God intended apple pie to be enjoyed.

Well, last night I couldn’t find the apple pie ANYwhere so I left D a note on the kettle “where is my apple pie? Did you bring it in from the car?”

Now through all his morning getting ready routine, I slept like a baby, but the minute he said, “I checked the car and the apple pie isn’t there” I jumped awake.

What does that tell you about the importance of food in my life???

Scary!

The good news is I found it on a wicker set of drawers I have just inside my front door.

I cracked

I have been soooo determined to not buy any maternity clothes until the end of this month.

Why?

I really don't know - maybe because then I'd be half way through?

Also, remember I still don't feel 100% pregnant until I see the pictures - scary!

However, when I put on my comfortable casual pants and had to wear a belly band because the two buttons on the top would not close, I thought, "that's it". I actually can't do this - I'm uncomfortable.

So off we went to the mall, first to Woolworths where I selected jeans and a black pair of pants.

Once I fitted on those maternity jeans, I was like "where have you been my whole life?"

They are SOOOOO comfortable" only thing is I look REALLY, really pregnant.

So got both of those and then went to Edgars where I got another pair of black pants (nobody had any other colours) and a maternity top.

My word! It goes against everything I'm feeling to actually SHOP for pregnant clothes.

And this is the weird thing - in both stores, the fitting rooms were literally on the other side of the floor.

I told both sales assistants, "how can you put the maternity section so far away from the fitting rooms? It's crazy. Pregnant women pee all the time and get tired. I just don't get it"

Of course they both gave me that weird half-smile like I'm crazy.

But really, does nobody think???

So there we go - maternity jeans.

I wore them to work on Friday and of course, everyone was "oh my word, you're HUGE". Gee thanks.

I just say, "they're big babies"

Now let me take my HUGE self off to bed and rest these big babies :)

Dream boards

Can you see the picture stuck on my wardrobe, next to my head?

That's my dream board. Some people also call them vision boards. The name doesn't matter much; it's the concept that's important.

I teach goals and goal-setting and when I do workshops, because there's more time than at just a talk, I usually let the participants work on their dream boards for about 30 minutes.

Well, at one particular workshop I did for a church group, they were all busy with theirs so I decided to make one of my own.

I already had a general one and one specifically for my business, so I thought, "what don't I have in my life?"

Of course that was a baby.

We'd been "trying" for about a year and three months, and I was still at the stage where you think, I'm sure it's going to happen soon.

In other words, firmly rooted in denial.

So I made this dream board.

There's a pic of twins, a newborn baby, a pregnant woman (who looks a bit like me) because I knew I wanted to be pregnant and a 2 - 3 year old.

I laminated it and put it on my wardrobe and it's been there for nearly 3 years now (since around May 2006).

Every morning when we did my IVF injections in bed I'd look at that picture to keep me focussed on my goal, and not on the physical pain of the injections (I'm a big baby!).

And then I forgot about it, through the three positive betas, and the early scans.

I only realised a little over a month ago that my dream's come true. Well, we're 50% there.

So I took my dream board with me to our infertility support group to share with the ladies :)

I'm not coming from a place of being all-knowing because I'm don't know everything, but I do know that keeping your goals in front of you on a daily basis helps you focus on the outcome and not on the process.

I know with me, it really helped to always just think about my dark-haired baby because I knew the how would work out somehow.

And so ends our goal-setting lesson for today :) Hope this helped someone out there.

I think I'm going to make another dream board with healthy, happy twins to keep me focussed on the next stage :)

Falling

Edited to add scan pics



On Tuesday evening I fell down the stairs while leaving work.

I was looking where I was going as I normally do and the next thing I knew I was falling.

But something amazing happened.

I grabbed onto the railing with all my might (not much since I have very little upper body strength) so while my left leg still swung into the railing and I still hurt myself, it was 20% of what it could be.

This is amazing because normally I'm useless with my arms and this time they actually worked and quickly enough.

My leg is a bit bruised (not much) but no bleeding or pain in the baby area.

Fortunately, I had my scheduled appt yesterday and the babies are both fine.

In fact, more than fine.

They are already big babies. Can’t blame them because I always said I want big babies... (girls, be careful what you wish for :))

The one was 172g and the other 163g, and my colleague’s wife who’s also 16 weeks pregnant has a baby who is 130g (normal weight).

He says they’ll grow as singleton babies until 22 – 24 weeks, and then slow down a bit.

That means I’m going to be as big as a HOUSE!

Now the genders...

The one is definitely a boy (twin B) and the other ...we’re not 100% sure but it could be a girl. Twin A would not show us the goods so we’ll have another look next time (15 April).

Emotions

I've cried exactly twice since the night of my last egg retrieval.

The first time was at 11 weeks exactly because I'd stopped feeling tired, stopped peeing so much and of course, that meant that something had happened to the babies and they were dead inside.

I know I'm crazy!

If only I used my imagination for more worthwhile things.....

Of course, that day when I got home from work, my Baby Centre email was waiting for me and it said something like "your symptoms should start easing off because the baby is basically done developing all its major organs".

Wow - relief!

(I don't know if that's really something I just felt but I'd swear I just felt a small movement, like a bubble, from the bottom baby, baby A)

The second time was last week when I was going to my exercise class.

I got hopelessly lost getting there, was 10 minutes late, but still enjoyed the class. Then afterwards, I got even more lost because it was dark, I'd never driven there before and my map book was out of date so it didn't show me all the streets!

In Johannesburg, drivers are very impatient.

There were a number of cars driving right up behind my car and of course I was going 50 - 60km, squinting at the street signs in the dark, trying to figure out exactly where I was.

I couldn't see a thing, it was a single, long, winding street with absolutely no landmarks whatsoever. Eventually I prayed and what do you know, there was a petrol station.

I pulled in, put some petrol in my car and asked for directions. They didn't know how to explain to me where to go so I just pulled off in the general direction they pointed out to me and started crying.

Actually crying is too mild a word. I was SOBBING, imagining all the bad things that could happen to me. What if some crazy person pushed my car off the road, and did unthinkable things to the 3 of us?

As an aside, I'm really not a fearful person in the least so I think this is baby-induced. I suddenly get that it's not just me anymore; there are two little babies inside of me, depending on ME!

Anyway, eventually I saw a sign pointing to a hospital kind-of in my house's general direction so I took the turn, followed my nose and eventually got home.

The drive home should have taken about 10 minutes. It took me 35 minutes!

When I got home, I pulled into the driveway and just sat there, emotionally drained. D came outside and I got out of the car and he hugged me and I just started crying again.

And of course, I could tell I was scaring him because I wasn't talking and he was trying not to panic but remember, this is NOT me!

Eventually I told him the story. The crazy thing is I STILL don't know how to get there or back. So here's our solution...I'll take one class close to my work and one there every week. BUT he'll drop me off, go to his gym, and then come collect me again until I feel confident enough to drive there by myself.

He also went to buy me an updated map book so I feel much better now.

My boss asked me (when he overheard me telling this story) why I don't just get a GPS system.

Well, hello! I'm cheap frugal! I don't believe in paying R5000 when I can pay R100 for a map book. Plus I believe that people who use GPS are simply lazy to read a map book :)

So far so good!

Tomorrow (hopefully, if the babies are good) we'll get to see their sex!

Finally, some symptoms

My hubby reminded me this evening of how when I was very newly pregnant, I used to say to the babies, "come on, you guys need to grow nice and big" and now I am gigantic!

At least they listened and are well-behaved children :)

Anyway, looks like because the first trimester symptoms bypassed me (except for the extreme fatigue), I've got some second trimester symptoms:

constipation
I've never been totally regular so I've always eaten lots of fruit, bran-type cereals and lately, a mug of green tea every evening, to help things along. In addition to my 2L (at least) water daily.

Well, that hasn't been working so well. And it seems like it's gotten worse over the last couple of weeks.

Last week it was so painful I bled (sorry, tmi) and so this went on the shopping list...

That's right - prunes and prune juice!

In my pre-pregnant days, 3 prunes a day would do the trick but I've heard that prune juice is much more potent so we'll see....

All I know is I've been very diligent since the bleeding to eat 3 fruits a day (apples and grapes) and get all my roughage in, and it's been better.

headaches
Seems like nearly every day now I seem to have a headache. These are a bit weird though because they only happen when I move.

If I sit still at my desk, I wouldn't even know about them. The minute I get up and move, I feel the pain. When I stand at the kitchen counter chopping vegetables or whatnot, there's nothing.

Don't worry - I have it on my list to talk to the doctor about although "What to Expect" says headaches are normal and I also checked with my colleague if his wife had headaches, and she has the same thing going on.

heartburn
I didn't even know what heartburn was because I'd never had it before so one evening I felt a mild burn and asked my hubby to tell me what it felt like.

Well, what do you know? Apparently I have some heartburn.

Really, it's hardly anything and I only get it maybe once every 2 - 3 days. There was a lady in the infertility support group who used to drink Gaviscon constantly because of her heartburn. I'm nowhere near that, thank God.

I'm trying to isolate the foods that trigger this - I think it may be the spicier food because on Sunday evening last week, I had wholewheat toast with melrose cheese spread and chilli chutney (it is a LOVELY combination - I've eaten it like this since I was about 15 years old) and I had some heartburn.

I am soooo not complaining - in fact, the crazy part of me feels glad that I feel SOMETHING going on.

Only 3 more days til the 16-week scan.............

14 weeks

Well, it's like the babies were just waiting for us to announce them because this belly's just exploded.

These are at 14 weeks (last Wed) and are NOTHING compared to this week's pics!

I don't know if I told you but I'm really lazy in the mornings so I crawl out of bed and let my husband take some pics in my pajamas.

I saw some GORGEOUS pics of my friend's 8-week pregnant twin belly and now I'm feeling bad that I didn't make more of an effort.

I'm just so impatient.

So this particular morning he happened to still be at home when I was ready and I indulged him while he took some pics in "real clothes".

My husband is obsessed with this belly

Seriously, any chance he gets he snaps away - most of them I delete :) but I do keep one or two from each "session".

I actually like the lying down ones better because gravity takes care of the other fat :)

13 weeks & telling the whole world

There's absolutely no hiding it now. So we had to make sure we told every single one of our friends just in case they heard it from someone else.

I wish I had a nice, neat round bump instead of this flab, but you know what, anything is good because my babies are in there.

We finally told our parents, sisters and DH's uncle last week after the 12-week scan. And then started telling the friends who didn't know about the infertility.

The wife of the guy who sits behind me is pregnant exactly the same as I am - that is actually really freaky so I'm glad these ones will be born earlier. We have the same due date - 2 Sept - and every Wed when I get to work, I say, "Morning B, 13 weeks today" :)

We decided to announce our good news at our next team meeting but then they cancelled it so we decided to simply send an email. Yes, it's less personal but we are all so very rarely in the office all at the same time that it made sense to do it like this.

So last week, we painstakingly drafted an email and I sent it first.

Huge jubilation from those who were in the office. One lady burst into happy tears, came to hug me and nearly made me cry!

Then... about 20 minutes later, he replied to all and said something like..."guys, I also have a confession... " and announced their news.

Some more happiness and laughing...

It was actually great because both of us don't like a big fuss so because it was a joint announcement, it took the pressure off us.

And we did it at the end of the day (my idea so I could dodge all the questions).

Everyone's reaction was great except for the real Big Boss who felt it his duty to scare me with horror stories of how twins would mess up my life, etc, etc. Grrrr.

I just smiled sweetly (well, for me!) and said, "well, we're very happy and we feel that God's given us a double blessing"





P.S. I realise this is late - Wed will be 14 weeks!

A tag about honesty

Dee tagged me for this meme days ago.

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Okay, here goes.

1. I still feel like an infertile even though I'm pregnant. It still hurts me when I hear of people "just falling pregnant". Sad but true.
2. Sometimes I catch myself thinking like a "normal" pregnant person and I have to stop and tell myself to just slow down.
3. Last night I had a headache (they've been happening more than usual - apparently it is normal) so I didn't feel like reading and I just lay in bed, thinking. I started thinking about how DEVASTATED I was after the chemical pregnancy in October and how I thought my life had ended, and I just started thinking about how extremely GRATEFUL and thankful I am to God to be pregnant and I started crying. Thankfully I then fell asleep so I don't know how long that went on.
4. I'm normally very objective and level-headed but since this pregnancy, I've gotten soppy. Last night we watched The Lot and this one director, Will, made this really sweet movie about lamps falling in love. Very sweet - normally I would SO not be into that but I was SOOO taken with this movie. My hubby immediately said, "I'm loving this softer side of you" Eeeek!
5. I am feeling a tad overwhelmed at the thought of creating space in the house for these two, with all their stuff. I'm a very minimalist kind of gal - I don't like lots of stuff lying around.
6. I'm excited about not being as tired anymore. This is huge for me because I'm normally super-productive so when you can't even clean your kitchen counters, that's bad!
7. I am not at all concerned about the money thing once they're here. Strange for me being so security conscious, but I don't care about a thing - all I care about is getting these babies grown inside of me, and out safely.
8. Hmm, what else don't you already know? Since Dee mentioned cars, I am the weirdest Jhb person ever in that I totally don't care about what car I drive. As long as it is clean and takes me from A to B, I'm happy. Here, a car is a status symbol so I am very weird in this respect.
9. I'm an ESTJ on the Myers-Briggs and not even slightly moderate on my scores - SERIOUSLY extreme on each point!
10. Something fun to end off. Last night my hubby said good night and I said "cheers" - I don't say cheers so that was weird. But then I added "cheers from John Robbie, It's 9 o'clock" because that's what I hear every morning when I'm nearly at work from my favourite talk show. He ends his show like that and then it's the news :) LOL

I'm tagging Clio, Leah, Nity, Sarah, Faith, Mo and Trina.

Current eating patterns & 12-week belly pics

For about a week now I haven't felt ravenous ALL the time.

Before, I was eating literally, from breakfast right up until supper.

Like this...

9:00 - breakfast (muesli and yoghurt)
11:00 - fruit
12:00 - fruit
13:00 - lunch (sandwich)
15:00 - fruit
16:00 - fruit/ cereal bar
17:30 - savoury biscuits (cookie)
19:00 - supper

(there's slightly longer gaps after breakfast and lunch)

And this is how I looked last week!






And now this is kind of how I'm eating - as an example, this is what I ate on the weekend

10.10 breakfast & water
10.30 3 prunes!
11.40 apple and a glass of orange juice
12.50 6 salticrax with pilchard/ onion and tomato
3.00 wholewheat roll with egg and tomato, pear
6.00 2 pancakes with jam and lemon
8.30 4 crackerbread with cheese
10.30 tea and a rusk because I was starving again

Seems I'm wanting more solid things for food but still not very much at any one time.

What are your eating patterns like? (pregnant or not)

Facebook

Thank you for being honest because it encourages me. When I see facebook updates and everyone is just all peachy all the time, I think there's something wrong with ME. Intellectually I know it can't all be roses but still...

Now back to you, I think it's a combination of everything. Also at 3 months they start being awake more and need more attention so that may be it. I just about did my nut when Connor started being so demanding until I remembered Caroline telling me about the 3-month thing. Apparently they don't calm down after that so I think it's going to be a challenge for me being such an old, unfit mother :)

I'm going to give you a big hug tonight! We both need it!

http://canigetsomesugarwiththeselemons.blogspot.com/2009/12/am-i-only-one-who-hates-christmas.html

The long-awaited 12-week scan

I honestly don't know how I survived 3 weeks and a day without a scan!

In the beginning I thought I'd go mad and I was seriously comtemplating begging the clinic to let me back for a last scan. Only the thought of those receptionists laughing at me kept me sane and restrained.

So we made our way there - I was 5 minutes later because when I got to the address printed from the internet, it didn't look like there was a 3rd floor and I was right - the actual place was around the corner.

A weird thing then happened. I was in the lift with a man and we both got out at the same floor. I stepped out, looked around and he asked me where I was going. When I said, "to Dr C", he says, "oh, that's me. It's this way".

He'd just been next door to the hospital to deliver a baby so was running about 30 minutes late anyway. Good thing too because my husband arrived 5 minutes after I did.

Anyway, enough preamble.

Eventually, I was called in (after flirting with a cute 18-month-old little girl in the reception area) and we went through my background.

I cringe now but when he asked me if I had any other children, I said, "no, these are the first two, that's if they're both still alive". You could see his face change because he's not used to me yet and must have been thinking, Crazy Woman!

And this was the relaxed me! Because I've been thinking that I actually can't keep stressing every day - I need to start enjoying this pregnancy since it's probably going to be my only one.

(they just phoned me to say people arrived for my meeting VERY early so I'll have to keep this short)

We did the scan - my first non-vaginal one - yayyy! I felt so normal!

He measured everything under the sun - organs, legs, nuchal fold (1,5 and 1,6mm), crown to rump length (63 and 66mm) and weight (55 and 57g).

Everything is perfect.

I also had blood taken to check for Downs Syndrome (!) because I'll be 35 when they're born.

I told him we're not terminating or doing anything even if something comes up and I'm definitely not having amnio or CVS, etc, etc. No way!

Here are the pics: the one baby was very good so the dr could get all his measurements but the other one was jumping around, showing off. Both my husband and I pointed to the other and said, "just like you" :)





I also got a chance to ask him my 9 questions which was great. And now I'm looking into starting some exercise classes called Preggi Bellies because I haven't exercised since starting the IVF cycle and that's not me. I'm hoping to go to a trial class on Thursday evening.

I just feel better when I exercise. Also, it does help that I actually have slightly more energy these days!

Okay, got to go!

12-week scan

Just quickly posting to say everything's fine with the babies.

They look further along on the scan than what I am (12w4d and 12w5d) but everything's totally fine.

More in a couple of days - lots of work to do :)

Speaking negatively

I don't know if this is weird - you be the judge.

When I've told people I'm pregnant, they say things like, "oh, when is your baby due?"

At this point I can't just say, "oh, 2 September" because of that word baby.

So I correct them.

"Actually, they're twins" - then there's usually squealing and jubilation

I tried to explain to my hubby that I feel like I'm betraying the one baby if I just answer the question and gloss over the baby reference, and what if something goes wrong with one of them if I just pretend that there's only one?

Weird! But I have always had a big mouth and if something is not right, I have to speak out.

So that's how so many people know there are twins.

Would you correct people, or would you just let it go?

P.S. Speaking of twins, I'm amazed at how little there is out there in the way of twin resources - there's only one really good twin website but boy, those preggie belly pics are scaring me.

P.P.S. Only 2 hours before I see the doctor for the 12-week scan - I can't wait!

There's an upside

to having these weird belly changes.

I realised on the weekend that I don't feel so panicked anymore.

Yes, it feels like my body's been invaded by aliens (this little grapefruit sized ball is right there all the time now so it's starting to feel more like pregnant instead of just fat) but this is so much better than the "is everything okay down there?" questions I was asking myself a million times a day.

I can't WAIT to see the OBGYN on Wed to get this 12-week scan over and done with so we can TELL people. (Leah, won't it be great to have this milestone behind us?)

I'm not even waiting until I get back to the office - we're going to phone the parents right there and then in the car park!

Remember I've been totally silent about the pregnancy in real life (except for the infertility group) and as a result, am wearing "normal" clothes, trying to wear lots of black to look slimmer :)

It's not really working. See these black cargo pants? Notice the undone button in the second pic. That is sooo me, with my water bottle permanently affixed to my side.


However, I still catch myself remembering and I can't believe this is me - pregnant after soooo long! God is good.

11 weeks

Please forgive the very fuzzy pics - somehow my camera's shutter speed isn't working too nicely and I can't figure out how to set it properly.

Of course I could read the manual. Hello? Me? Read a manual? You must be joking!

Anyway, here's what I looked like last Wed morning. Yes, those are pajamas.

and this is what I look like at night. Scary! That belly seems to grow in gigantic proportions from morning to evening. Is this normal?

those lines on my tummy are from my one pair of stretch pants that still kind-of fit. I didn't realise how bad that looks!

Shortness of breath

I've noticed that I'm getting out of breath after climbing just one flight of stairs.

Of course, I thought this was normal since I haven't exercised since the start of my IVF cycle (end Nov 2008).

Then last night happened.

I do talks to groups and I was asked to speak to a group of professional organisers in Jhb on time management.

Well, I started my talk and after 5 minutes, I was sooo out of breath. It felt so weird.

I even said to them, "I don't know why I'm so out of breath" - and then I remembered my 11-week baby update/ pregnancy email that said it was normal.

It was so freaky because I'd done a talk just two weeks prior to this and I was FINE! Then again, I was not talking flat out for the hour. I co-presented the topic and my guest did most of the talking.

I really didn't know how to handle it but it got a bit better eventually although I was still uncomfortable throughout.

Then earlier today I went to a meeting where I had to present the concept for a new product and I could feel after 5 minutes continuous talking that I was out of breath.

Good thing she was writing and taking notes so I could stop and give her a chance to catch up and me a chance to breathe.

My word!

Of course now I'm scared to schedule more talks. And this is a really good way for me to market my business because I find it really easy to talk to groups.

9 week scan on 27 Jan - I know, very late!

I realised when I was looking through my IVF folder in My Pictures that I'd never blogged these.

These were taken just before I was released to go to a normal obgyn.

my favourite scan type, where I can see both sacs each holding a baby

Twin A - measuring 25mm with a heartbeat of 179 bpm

and Twin B - measuring 29 mm, also with a heartbeat of 179 bpm

(doesn't this baby pic look like it's swaddled in a blanket with just the head peeking out?)

In other news, there are NO twin pregnancy books in all my local bookstores. My dear friend C who will have her twin girls on or before 23 Feb loaned me a book she'd received from friends when they heard she was having twins.

I devoured about half of it already - on the one hand, it's reassuring to know that the extreme fatigue and so on is totally normal but on the other hand, I dread to think how huge I'm going to get. I'm short (1.58m) so this is going to be interesting :)

10 weeks - belly pictures

I realised that I'm a bit vain so I'll be taking morning photos of the belly. It's amazing how much worse this looks in the evening - it's like the pregnancy progresses by MONTHS between morning and night.

I'm really going to try and be good and take pics every week - hopefully I'll remember to catch D before he leaves for work.

10 weeks 1 day

A taste of normality

So we had supper with the pastor I mentioned a few days ago and we'd barely sat down when he said, "so, do you have any news?"

We'd told him that the first IVF failed and he said at the time to not give up which we weren't prepared to do anyway but it was a difference from the "oh maybe it's not meant to be" people. Grrr!

I told him that I'm 10 weeks pregnant, joy and jubilation all around, and even more so when I said that they're twins!

And you know what? I actually felt normal.

He's going to the US in a few weeks' time and wants to get some baby clothes (BABY clothes!) for us because apparently, you guys in the US have better stuff than we do in South Africa!

Anyway, it was a lovely supper (I had grilled trout if you're interested) during which I felt like a normal, happy pregnant woman for the first time.

Hopefully, the more people we tell, the more normal I'll feel!

In or out of the IVF closet

Today I am exactly 10 weeks pregnant and I'm still in the IVF closet.

There are very few people who know that (a) we were trying, (b) we went for IVF and (c) that we're pregnant.

Of course my whole infertility group knows and I had to say to one of them, "please don't write anything on my facebook wall" because of all the real-life friends.

We're waiting for the 12-week scan to be normal and then we'll tell everyone else.

That's on 18 Feb so we've already planned to phone our parents and D's sister. My sister knows the bare bones of the story because she "struggled" for 18 months but then they did fall pregnant naturally. D's sister asked after my last op, "are you guys trying to have a baby?" so he had to say yes.

Other than that, our entire family knows nothing.

At work only two people know that I'm pregnant. My boss and a colleague who sits behind me - his wife has had two miscarriages so we talk about babies. And he knows everything.

The clinic faxed the referral report to me (without phoning me first - I was FURIOUS!) today and someone forwarded the fax to me from our central inbox. My heart stood still when I saw what the fax was about.

She probably has read it - the only good thing is that it was 8 pages long and the pregnancy was only the last 2 pages, so if she got bored, she may not have looked that far.... I can hope, can't I?

This is the ungrateful pregnant person I moaned about two years ago. Of course since those days I've not said a single thing to her about anything.

There's one other lady at work I spoke to after my first IVF failure and she was one of those trying to be compassionate "maybe it wasn't meant to be" people which drives me BATTY!

The reason we're in the IVF closet is two-fold actually:

1) we generally are very private people - D more so than me
2) I hate stupid questions and want to SLAP people when they say idiotic things. I also do my bit to educate the well-intentioned but ignorant fertile people but it gets a bit much some times. You know all the "the reason you two can travel so much is because you don't have children" remarks. GRRR
3) somehow this IVF thing seems to be "frowned on" in our type of church because it's like you're "not standing in faith" or some such thing.

After some comments like that by friends of ours, I got tough (well, I am tough, but I got really hard and cold) and I've told friends of mine straight up, "I don't want to talk about anything like this with you because we clearly disagree". D says he's surprised she still talks to me :)

A pastor we're really, really close to knows everything too - in fact we're having supper together tomorrow and we'll tell him then.

Funny thing is a lot of our non-Christian friends know about the IVF and are so accepting of everything and, as a result, we've told them quite a bit more. We were on the phone with friends in London and D told him our news. He was so excited and has nicknamed the twins, Andrew and Jennifer (very English but SOOOO not my type of name). Still it's better than calling them my kidney beans!

I seem to find it easier to tell people I don't know that well, e.g. I chatted to two coaches recently and told them both very easily. I signed up for a teleseminar series and wanted to check something before paying (that I'd be able to send in questions even if not on the calls live) and I said it in the email NO problem. A lot of my online friends know about everything IVF, even the pregnancy.

Why is it that I share so easily with the entire online world but I don't with real life people? Clearly I have intimacy problems.

So, all the rambling aside, I would DEARLY love to know about you.

Are you in or out of the IVF closet? If you're out, when did you tell people and what were their reactions?

P.S. And if you're pregnant, when did you start telling people?