Twins: romance vs reality

I have always wanted twins - I don't know quite where I got this notion from but I do remember always saying I wanted twins.

I even have twins on my vision board!

Then when Dr J told me we were having twins at my 7-week ultrasound, I was beyond excited. I literally couldn't stop smiling.

I suppose it's like those scenes in the movies where the two star-crossed lovers run toward each other across a field of flowers.

Slow motion, soft focus, lovely romantic music...

I had this romantic view of twins - having a lovely belly, giving birth according to plan, being discharged from the hospital WITH my two babies and then looking after them at home.

And of course, dressing them in cute clothes, taking lots of pics, etc.

I knew it would be a lot of work - it's obvious, everything is doubled - but I'm not that lazy (!) so I thought things would be okay.

Well, I had the lovely pregnancy even though the birth didn't go according to plan. And of course, the twins were in NICU which doesn't help matters much.

But bringing them home very quickly jerked that romantic view right out of my head.

When Connor came home the three of us had a lovely 11 days of feeling what it was like with just one baby.

We had some one-on-one bonding time with him despite being sleep deprived and me mourning the sudden end of my pregnancy.

"What are you doing with that camera?"
Well, Connor, since we're up anyway, might as well have some fun!

I really thought this whole thing was doable (despite it being hectic visiting the NICU all the time and the horrible pumping) and couldn't wait for Kendra to come home to complete our family unit.

People, I was crazy! Because I had not a clue of what was to come.

Kendra then came home and I'm like OH MY WORD.

Why on earth did no-one tell me it was THIS bad?

Seriously.

Why does no-one tell you?

Is it that they think they'll rain on your parade or don't want to be a downer?

I'm the type of person that really doesn't like to hear lots of bad things but I would much rather have the truth so I can deal with it than be strung along.

Even with the IVF thing, that's why I loved my Dr G so much - he's not much for the BS - tells it to you straight so you can deal with it.

Anyway, so I started thinking maybe everyone else is just more together than I am, or maybe I really am a freak who will never be a good mother.

I remember being so sleep-deprived I did things like putting dishes meant for the cupboard in the fridge, dropping and breaking medicine bottles, sleeping in my clothes because I was too tired to change into pajamas, not showering until 3pm in the afternoon, leaving crumbs on the counter (big no-no for me!), and the list goes on and on.

D holding Kendra - she would not settle so he had to eat one-handed while holding her

Until I sent a text to my friend Natalie one day saying something like "I'm exhausted, finished, blah blah. Can't do this. Babies driving me crazy, etc."

She'd also had a bad day so we commiserated with one another and that made me feel non-freakish about not loving this newborn stage.

Why do we all pretend that things are fine when they're not?! Or is it only me?

And then most people would say things like "I'm sure you can't imagine your life without them" and I'd just not answer because the truth is "oh yes, I sooooo can".

You see, I really didn't realise it was so relentless.

In addition to the work, there's the time it all takes.

Two babies on a 3-hour feeding schedule = maybe an hour of rest in between

And that's 24/7.

Yay, it's the early hours of the morning and time to play!

In those hours, there's laundry to be done, bottles to wash, sterilise, mix; I have to eat and shower, cook, etc.

I actually screamed at D once when he DARED suggest that I sleep when the babies sleep.

And then who will do the bottles and laundry???

I can't believe I actually considered having our day nanny only start when I go back to work in December. God was definitely guiding me to hire her from September because I think I would be crazy by now. No jokes!

I remembered all this stuff because my friend, R, brought her twin girls home on Tuesday and I think is going through some of what I did. Except she was clever and hired a full-time night nanny. I remember her asking a few months ago if I thought she'd need someone during the day too - um, YES! - so I said my piece but then left it. You also don't want to scare people senseless.

D asked me how she was doing and I said I think going through some of that twin romance thing. He now knows exactly what I mean!

I still think my babies are cute and I love when they do clever things, make their little noises and so on, but boy oh boy, the rose-coloured glasses are firmly off.


Do you like people to tell you the truth even if it's hard to hear?


P.S. I know I may be royally annoying a lot of you esp if you're not pregnant yet. I totally get that. I remember reading something on Tertia's blog once where she complained about her toddlers not sleeping and how she had to get up numerous times at night. I got irritated reading that post thinking I would KILL to have that problem because it'd mean I'd have children. And someone actually commented and said something like that.

So I get it. I'm very grateful to have the babies and when I'm rested and they're sleeping, I am VERY happy and feel rivers of love for them. I'm just really, REALLY looking forward to the days when I can sleep 6 - 8 hours consecutively again.

My first pedicure - yes, really!

When we first booked my hospital bed and found out that each patient gets a complimentary treatment, I decided that I'd have a pedicure.

My first, as it happens.

This was done the day after the babies were born and was lovely - I lay flat on my back and the therapist just lifted the blankets from the hospital bed and did my feet.


About a week later I jumped on the scale and saw this - I knew then that my scale wasn't working because I was actually about 4 - 5kg heavier.

But I can wish, can't I?

My pre-pregnancy weight is 59kg so I'm aiming for this!

Two steps forward, one step back

I've only been all alone with the babies for hours at a time twice:

Mon 31 Aug - normal working day and the day before my nanny started work
Sat 5 Sept - D had to work and left me alone for 8 whole hours

Don't let these faces fool you... they are not that sweet all the time.

I was seriously worried about how I'd cope but it was actually much better than I expected.

Yes, the babies sometimes both cried at the same time and then I simply went into survival mode. I only have two hands and one of you has to wait your turn.

I had to leave Kendra screaming for about 5 minutes once on the Monday but other than that, not too bad.

Does this mean I'm actually capable?

I don't really feel capable because as soon as I think I've got something under control, it seems to go worse the next time. It's the whole two steps forward, one back thing.

I just started thinking I had this night thing under control - change nappy, feed baby, burp, rock to sleep/ drowsy, put down - and then they had a horrible night where they would not sleep. Imagine 6 hours straight of baby activity?! With both babies niggly and crying, one at a high-pitched shriek and the other a normal baby cry. I find myself saying "stop that crying like a baby" and then realise they ARE babies. LOL - let's blame it on Sleep Deprivation.

Or I become an expert at soothing Kendra and then for half a day none of my tricks work. Or I finally figure out how to burp Connor in less than 10 minutes and it works but is not enough, because there are still more winds (gas) in his little body. On the bright side, he STILL has not managed to pee on me. We came close the other day but I'm still too fast for him :)

As an ESTJ, apparently I highly value competence in myself and in others. True. So this motherhood thing is kicking my butt. No wonder I find all the work of the washing, sterilising and making bottles waaaayyyy easier than the "trying to get milk from my defective boobs" thing.

My one friend told me to look at children as an investment. You can't see the change daily but one day SUDDENLY there's a huge return.

I've found that it's best to think back a week. If I think about the last 24 hours, things can look really bleak. But to consider a week, you get a more balanced perspective. In the beginning, "oh, I've only cried twice this week" :)

And typing that, I realise I haven't cried for about 2 - 3 weeks. Yayyy!

The babies' room

because as I said to a friend, "nursery" is far too grand a word to use to describe it.

view from the door

from the other corner

compactum - I know I need to get a smaller box so it all fits nicely but I love that one and it's priority number 99 on my list so for now, it'll have to do

the two bottom drawers are filled with....Pampers of course!

opposite the compactum

and of course, bog-standard white built-in wardrobe facing the cots

One year ago today...

we started our first IVF cycle.

I remember us going into the clinic to learn how to do the Lucrin shots and me not being able to do it.

I stood with that needle pointing towards my tummy for AGES until D took the needle from me and jabbed me. And that was the start of him doing ALL my shots.

It has not been easy. I remember many days of crying because I was so scared of the needles but I'd pray and get just enough courage/ strength to last me 5 minutes to get the shot. And I'd be fine for another day.

We've come a long, long way.

Things I can't do without & things that are a total waste of money

I started this post WEEKS ago and am only now getting around to finishing it. I hope this is not going to be what my life's like from here on...I'm a big Completer-Finisher on those Belbin work profile assessments.

Anyway.....without further ado

they look soooo tiny here

Parenting is such a subjective thing - everybody has his or her way of doing things and feels that their way is the ONLY way.

I'm under no such illusions but I will say this - when I love something I will tell you about it. Like if ANYONE tells me they're battling to fall pregnant, and they live in Jhb, I tell them to go straight to my clinic. Don't even waste time with the others.

Or Pampers :)

Anyway, I was thinking about some things we're using with the babies that I love love LOVE and thought I'd share...just in case they work for you too.


sleep wedges

You can see the babies lying on them in the pic. I love these things so much that they are now my new favourite baby shower gift. I don't worry about the babies twisting and turning in their cots. I even put these on the couches or on the bed when we want to give them a break from sleeping in the cots and I can happily go off and do something else knowing they're safe.


linen savers

I first heard about linen savers when I got the "what to bring to the hospital" list. In case you're like me and you've never heard of them before now, they put them under the sheet to protect the mattress from blood and other spillages. Like the night my waters broke, I had linen savers under me in the car on the way to the hospital, and on the hospital bed while I was having contractions and gushing water (I know, gross!).

Anyway, we had to bring a pack of 20 and I still had some left after I was discharged. So I fold one in half, and then again in half, and place on top of the sleep wedge to protect the mattress and sheets from the babies' pee. I mentioned before that they pee through everything - vest, babygrow and receiving blanket. Well, if that linen saver wasn't there, I'd also be washing sheets as well as all the clothes non-stop. Now I don't - bonus!

receiving blankets

I don't think you can have enough of these. When I read the baby magazines, they said 4 per baby. We had 4 per baby before they were born and then I went out and got another 2 each and my sister gave me some more too.

Also, another tip I got from a work colleague... use a receiving blanket as a sheet in the cot especially if you have winter babies like I do. They're cheaper than proper cot sheets and the flannel keeps them warm. At Baby City you pay about R70 for a cot sheet and R70 for a 3-pack of receiving blankets. I bought a pack and use two of them as sheets and one as a blanket.

facecloths

When the babies have their bottles, they spill the milk because they either suck too fast (Connor) or too lazily (Kendra).

We tried using bibs but they get soaked so quickly so their babygrows (onesies) also get wet.

So I started using facecloths. They had about 3 each for bathing and an extra 10 to 12, so I use those instead of bibs. They're super absorbent and it's easy to throw them into the laundry.

electric blanket and camp cot (pack and play - see picture above)

It's winter here in Jhb and wouldn't you know it? For the first time in a couple of years we're having a proper cold winter. We've had a few years of really mild winters which I hate because I love the cold. So the weather - good for me, not so good for babies.

When you have babies in a cold house you get obsessed with temperature. When Connor came home, we put him in his cot for one night but were scared he'd freeze to death (literally) so he moved to our bed, on the sleep wedge, of course. Then when Kendra came home we bought a camp cot (which is in our room) and put an electric blanket in there to keep them nice and toasty warm.

So they have beautiful cots in their room, totally unused, except for the nights when the night nanny looks after them.

microwave steriliser

Not the cutest or sexiest baby shower gift but certainly the most useful, together with the baby bottle brush.

How did people do it before these were invented? I know - sterilising liquid. But where did they get the time?

4 minutes and the bottles are done in my 1000-watt microwave.


washing machine and tumble dryer

Literally my lifesavers for the first two months. After their morning feed, I pop a load in and forget about it while doing bottles, etc.

Then if the weather's good, hang on the line or else toss into the tumble dryer.

A friend told me that her washing machine broke in the first year after their baby was born because she did so much laundry! Hopefully that won't be happening because I don't have the energy or the money for another one.

The day nanny started on 1 Sept and I see that she likes to wash their laundry by hand. It does make sense since there's usually not enough (now that they're using Pampers - and Kendra is on newborn Pampers too now) laundry to run a load and I'm very very cheap so hate wasting all that electricity to do a half load.

Nannies!!!

Seriously, I don't know how you guys do it without nannies. I wrote about a nanny on Facebook and there were some comments that it really is only for the very rich in the US. My mum flew to Jhb and stayed with me for 4 weeks in August - her main job was Kendra since she's experienced at the children thing (we're 3 kids).

But it's very different when you have paid help, at least for me, because I can boss to my heart's content. I'm not that bad, but I do like things done just so, which is why they call me a slave driver at work.

When the nanny's here, I get to sleep a couple of hours, do our laundry, cook, clean, go to gym and run errands, etc.

All while the babies are being taken very good care of. Which is priceless!

She is already smitten with the babies which is such a relief - K is cute but high maintenance so I don't expect other people to find her as endearing as her father and I do. I find her whispering sweet nothings to them - so sweet.

If she ever decides to leave I will cry bucketloads of tears. If I were at work, I'd tell her how great she is but I'm scared to in case she hits me up for more money. So I do a bit here and a bit there.

They are still not 100% used to the night nanny - also she's a bit more rough with them than the 3 of us are (D, me and the day nanny). To be honest, I am tolerating it because we're so sleep deprived but I am being a lot more assertive with her. "C doesn't like to sleep like that; K just needs a cuddle" etc etc


Things I would never buy if I had more children
(I'll update this list as I think of things)

1. mittens - believe me, I tried to get them to wear them. A total waste of time and huge frustration for the babies and for me
2. newborn socks
3. cute newborn clothes - the babies do nothing but eat and sleep, babygrows and vests are really all you need, and beanies for winter babes. Not to mention the fact that the cute clothes are often very impractical
4. booties
5. newborn leggings - again, they have no patience with leggings and it's a mission to get on and off when changing nappies
6. baby bath - I don't have one and am glad. I bath the babes in the basin and the nannies prefer to use the bath seat in the big bath.
7. lots of fancy expensive bottles (my kids like the cheap
8. lots of cotton wool (in the NICU they use cotton wool and warm water to clean the bums when changing nappies. D was aghast when I stopped all that the MINUTE Connor came home. He very quickly had to get used to the cold baby wipes -who has the time to gather warm water when you have a screaming baby who wants that wet nappy off NOW)

On another note, a friend told me the babies don't even use duvets or quilts but it does help to "pull the room together". So true. Half the time the quilt is folded up somewhere and I only "do the room nicely" when people are coming.

So... back to you...

what can't you do without, and what has been a total waste of time/ money?

I'm sub-fertile and good to go

I had my 6-week check up on Tuesday at exactly 9 weeks because my doctor was on holiday and then when he was back I couldn't get an appointment.

Nevertheless, I prepared well and had my notebook ready with all my questions.

(I joke with D and say that I'm Dr C's favourite patient - who else is as prepared for consultations???!!! I'm a coach and LOVE the sessions where people are prepared so maybe that's why I do it - I don't know...)

I was 5 minutes late because I was reminded (thanks Mandy) to take a picture of the babies with me for his wall so had to pop past the shopping centre first to get it printed.

In a really strange way I was sad knowing that I won't be seeing him again soon because no more pregnancies. He does gynae as well as babies so I decided that he is now my new doctor, but that's only going to happen annually.

He asked me what I wanted to do about birth control and I'm like "Birth control????? (raised voice) I spent thousands and years to get pregnant. It certainly is never going to happen naturally!".

He agreed that it was improbable but did say that it's not impossible. Granted, 1% is not impossible but I don't fall on the good side of statistics when it comes to fertility. I do know that these things happen so agreed to go on a low-dosage birth control pill since I'm (in his words) sub-fertile.

I asked when I'd be getting my period and he said it differs... I'm not breastfeeding.... so should happen soon. Don't you hate the vagueness??? And maybe I'm pregnant.

Pregnant?! I said that would be a miracle since we haven't done the deed yet. He says "poor man" so I said "we are too tired. Bed is now for sleep".

And then my main question about my sore knees and joints (I noticed my ankles are also sore as well as my hips). He asked me if I had arthritis, or arthritis in the family. We don't. Apparently the body produces about 10 times the amount of cortisol while you're pregnant and when you give birth, it goes away so your condition can seem much worse.

He didn't think it was due to the size of The Bump (my theory) since I didn't have any extra weight and I only went to 32 weeks.

So I'm going to carry on exercising and evaluate in a month's time. I'm thinking it should get better with exercise (?) otherwise off to the orthopaedic specialist I go. I need to be in full working order with these two so can't afford to be unfit.

My friend, C, said to me that she had the same type of pain but in her feet and it went away after 3 months. Here's hoping...

Then he asks when I had my last Pap Smear. It was last year sometime so he says "can we do one now or do you need time to prepare?" Ha ha ha! Funny man - knows me so well. But I was ready so we did it and what do you know? He tells me my period's just starting.

He also did an internal - it was not horrible (girls, Dr G's are worse!) so the internal he did at the birth was not a once-off good one - and everything's back in place (except for the tummy flab) - and checked my BP. 100/60 which is low but is really good for me as my BP is only normal when I'm really stressed! Oh, and he checked my breasts - also normal, but also still a bit bigger.

We also checked my weight - I don't quite know what he was looking for....obviously a lot less than when he weighed me last time.

Then I gave him a card and the babies' photo which he loved. He read the card right there in front of me!!! So embarrassing because I gushed quite a bit......but he did say "it was a pleasure"

And that's it.

Next appointment in a year's time or when I'm pregnant. How these doctors like to joke!

Infertility support - what would you do?

A friend from the group, R, feeding Connor

I've said many times on this blog and to people in real life that my infertility support group has absolutely been a life saver.

Seriously.

Those girls have encouraged me, cheered me up, cried with me, challenged me to stretch myself and inspired me to keep going.

And through the group I've made some really good friends.

Which brings me to a dilemma.

I've been going to the group since it started over two years ago. I think I only missed three times - C and I only discovered it after the first meeting, and then twice when I was travelling. So I've been going before and during the IVFs, during my pregnancy and amazingly, even since the twins were born.

We met last week again and this is the first time I felt weird.

I think it's because I've now had the babies and they were actually at home as opposed to them being in NICU.

Also all the pregnant people were there last time and this time there was only one pregnant person.

I think the dynamic is changing. When we started hardly anyone was pregnant and through the months and years there have been just a couple of girls pregnant at any one time. This year there were more pregnant people than not! Until this last group meeting.

It's right that the dynamic change and that we get new girls in all the time so that we can help more people in those early stages, who have maybe just been diagnosed with infertility, are not sure what to do, and are just figuring all of this craziness out.

A friend said to me she’s not sure about going back because she's not sure what her purpose there would be; I’m getting to that stage.

And yet I love being with all the people there and I love seeing all my friends, so what to do?

Maybe we should have a pregnant after infertility group?

I just want to be sensitive to all the new girls because I know when I was at that stage it was SO HARD to even look at a pregnant person let alone sit with them and talk, even if I knew they'd had problems conceiving. I'd think things like "why you and not me?" and "will I ever have a happily ever after?" and so on.

So what do you think?

Is it time for me to move on and just meet separately with those friends?

Questions for my 6-week follow up

Except this is actually a 9-week follow-up appointment because my doctor was on holiday and then last week when he was back I couldn't get an appointment. Grrr.

Anyway, it's happening on Tuesday - I can't believe the twins will be 9 weeks old.

So tell me - what happens at the 6-week follow-up and what questions do I need to ask him?

I asked my friend C if they do an internal and she said "yes, it's horrible. brace yourself". Oh dear!

These are the ones I have so far:

1. why are my knees so messed up?
2. when am I supposed to get my period?

And seeing as he's doing an internal anyway, I want him to do a Pap smear and get that out of the way for the year.

What else???

And in other news, look what I found under my bed! A Cyclogest pessary!

Must have rolled under the bed one evening and I was too lazy to look for it - not that I would have used it but still!

A list of bloggy stuff

• Did you see? I tidied up my header and my sidebar.
• Finally took off the twin baby pic that said x days to go. Where can I get one of those tickers for babies?
• Does anyone know why some blogger blogs have a button "follow this blog" on the top and some don't? Also, is following a blog the same as adding it to your Google Reader? Some of the blogs are both on my dashboard and in Google Reader and some not.
• I discovered a cool thing. Well...it was always there but I finally figured out a cool use for it. When you comment, there's a section where you can subscribe to comments "email follow-up comments to ________________ ". This is so useful especially if another blogger wrote about something you're interested in, like breastfeeding, sleeping schedules, etc. All the comments will be emailed to you and you can follow the conversation without having to keep checking back on the blog.
• If you have a blogger blog (I don't know how it works with other platforms), check in your blogger profile if the email box is ticked. If not, please tick. Then we'll be able to chat even more easily and I can reply to your comments :)
• And finally, thanks to all who comment. Real Life Friends, don't be shy. Comment when you feel the need even if you don't have a blog - all you do is put your name.

Old bones & a jiggly belly

I belong to a gym where you have to go 24 times every year to keep your membership active. Well, you can go less but then you have to pay the normal gym fees and I'm on a special. I paid a once-off fee about 6 years ago and nothing ever since.

When I fell pregnant, the clinic advised no gym and then even the normal obgyn said no since twins are a high-risk pregnancy.

So I went to classes at Preggi Bellies (do NOT sign up for them unless you know beyond a shadow of doubt you'll be able to complete all the classes - no refunds, etc. long story - email me if you want more info) until the second bleed.

Now that the babies are born, my gym gives you 6 weeks after a Caesar and 4 weeks after a normal birth before you have to go back. Or they switch you to a normal membership again. I am cheap so that won't work for me.

So I'm back. Kind of.

I went on Wed and Thurs last week, and then on Wed this week. I have to do a schedule so that it becomes a non-negotiable in my day again like it used to be pre-pregnancy.

But I feel like an old woman. I'm 35 so I'm not a spring chicken but still. I think the pregnancy's messed up my knees and joints and it's so difficult to exercise.

You know how overweight people complain about their joints? I think that's me. The Bump must have put a lot of pressure on my knees. It is sore to get up from a chair, sore when I start walking, sore when going up and down stairs, etc.

I thought it would all go after I recovered from the op but no...

But I will persist.

The jiggly belly, although small, is not pleasant. Wednesday's class was a dance class - the cardio was great but my boobs (forgot to put on a sports bra) and belly were jiggly! I'm also doing knee stretches whenever I remember, which is about once or twice a day, just to strengthen the muscles around the knee cap.

And of course, it will all help with these last 2kg of baby weight. When that's off, I want to lose another 2kg from the fertility medication.

Date night

I decided that I need to take more control of my life because otherwise I feel like I'm just freewheeling and I hate that feeling.

So I said to D that when the nannies are here, in addition to getting some sleep, we should try and restore some order again.

We're going to both go to gym on Mondays and tonight, while M's here, we're going to a movie. From next week when C works Friday nights, I think we'll make Fridays date night once again.

We went out for supper on the Saturday before they were born so it's been nearly 9 weeks since we've had a date night. You'd think we'd have had time once I was discharged and when they were in the NICU, but no, because we were at the hospital every night.

I'm looking forward to being out with D since we've only ever been able to go out one at a time since they've both been home. I don't want all the people breathing their winter germs on the babies so one of us stays home to look after them. It's already hard enough doing their normal routine; I can't deal with sick babies on top of everything else.

I went to church alone this weekend and everyone wanted to know where the babies were. My friend C tells me that when you have twins, every Tom Dick and Harry stops you in the shopping centres, etc. She is very gracious with the hordes of people but I will have to work on my tact because my instinct will be to say "get away from my babies and NO, you can't touch them" :)

I don't know how you do it

Connor

Kendra

I don't know how you do it without any help, that is.

I am slowly getting more sane and returning to a semblance of who I used to be, not the crazed, sleep-deprived maniac from a few weeks ago.

I'm still sleep-deprived but it's not that bad thanks to all the help.

We asked our nanny who started yesterday if she'd consider doing some night nannying for us before starting to work full-time and she agreed. So she worked on a Thursday and then the following Monday.

Absolutely no problem with the babies - we didn't hear a peep the entire night.

BUT my mother had been staying with me (for 4 weeks in August) and she happened to talk to C who told her she'd worked a full day elsewhere, finished at 5pm and then came to our place to start at 7pm.

I was very cross because I don't want someone half asleep because then we could do it. I don't know if it's unreasonable or not but I just felt like I want someone alert especially since we're paying for the service.

Anyway, then she went on holiday and I approached an agency to look for another night nanny for a 2 - 3 month stint. I am really hoping the babies start sleeping through by then as we can't afford to do this night nannying thing forever. As it is, I'm digging into my savings which I am SO loathe to do (I grew up with not much money so only feel really secure when I have some stashed away).

They sent 3 people on that particular weekend, I interviewed them all and chose one. We didn't waste any time because we asked her to start the Monday following.

Well, that night (or rather, the next morning at around 2am) I woke to hear the babies screaming - both of them, even Connor (Kendra has a high pitched shrill scream and Connor's is normal) - and it literally took everything in me to stay in my bed and not "rescue" them. The rest of the night was fine but the babies were SOOOOO unsettled the next day. I know their routine and personalities and they were all out of sorts. So much so that I cancelled a friend's visi because I wanted NO stimulation of any kind - I just wanted them to get back to their normal selves.

Of course, besides that, I now started freaking out so I emailed the agency and said what if it doesn't work out with M, etc, etc. They reassured me and said the babies are probably just getting used to her because she is one of their most popular nannies. I have no way of knowing if this is true...but agreed that I need to give her a fair chance.

Well, Thursday rolled around and ...completely different situation. She seemed more confident with them, not too much crying that night (none that woke me) and they were fine the next day.

The same thing on Monday so it looks like M is working out. I'm praying for them to get used to all their caregivers quickly though because K especially is very demanding and with the nannies, she can get her way. Not so with me.

Now back to C. She started yesterday and seemed to be walking on eggshells a bit for the first 3 hours or so. Probably because I was hovering over the babies. Not good. So I decided to get out of the house and leave her to it. Went to have my hair done (grey coloured over) and then to visit my friend in hospital who'd had her twin girls on Monday.

Good thing I did because when I returned she'd gotten into her stride - babies were clean, bathed, fed and sleeping like angels. Bottles were made up, baby laundry was done, etc.

I had left her with the 10-page Control Journal so she knew what was expected.

We're going to try something for a bit to see how it goes - she is going to work Mon - Thurs and then work Fri as a night nanny. That means we'll be able to sleep 3 nights a week - yayyyy!

How you know your babies have been in NICU too long

Since our NICU days I now go to the hospital pharmacy for almost everything because it is right near the entrance of the hospital, there's free parking unlike at the shopping centre and it is about a km nearer my house.

So I popped in there to pick up something and...

I waved to the security guards at the boom gates, said hello to the one at the hospital entrance, chatted to the pharmacy and the hospital reception staff and then I realised...

OH MY WORD - I am waaaayyyyy too familiar with all these people.

Reminds me of the day we collected Kendra and I actually got all teary at the thought of not coming back there daily to visit her.

Absolutely crazy!

Miracles do happen

When I did my first IVF in Sept/ Oct last year, there were 3 of us Cycle Sistas in blogland - Debbie, Blythe and me.

Day by day we blogged and commented and encouraged one another and ..............sadly, only Debbie stayed pregnant and had her identical twin girls at 34 weeks a couple of months ago. Blythe had a negative and I had my chemical pregnancy that left me devastated.

Somehow I consoled myself that she was the one out of three (IVF stats) and that my time would come.

Because in amongst all that grief, I felt some hope - hope that at least I'd gotten pregnant so surely it was only a matter of time and statistics.

Funny, at my clinic, we were also 3 ladies on the same cycle. They retrieved our eggs the same day and only one of us fell pregnant and she had her little girl (of course I kept in touch - be careful if I meet you, I am a connector of note! I don't let go of relationships easily) on 12 June. The other girl didn't really have any good embryos to put back but insisted on transferring poor quality embryos (she didn't fall pregnant) and of course, there was me with my chemical.

Then we waited one cycle for my body to sort itself out and started again with IVF number 2 at the end of November.

That time I connected with a lot of people in blogland who were pregnant either a week ahead or the same time.

And now we've all had our babies.

Leah
Rachie Pachie
Nity
Mandy

Just waiting for Trina's little girl to be born.

A real life friend also had her twin girls yesterday and oh, I can't WAIT to meet them. She was 6 weeks behind me and had hers at exactly 34 weeks. Can you believe my babies are 8 weeks old today (where has the time gone)?!

I am beyond excited at all these miracle babies.

We are all proof that miracles do happen.

I know it's hard (and hard doesn't even start to describe all the crazy emotions) if you're not there yet, or even if you're waiting for miracle number 2.

There were MANY times when I honestly thought I'd have to live child-free, not by choice but by circumstance, and yet, here I am today - this time last year I was gearing up for IVF number 1 and now there are two little babies, squealing in the bedroom, so best I get moving!

Our twins' feeding and sleeping schedule

So lots of my friends have been asking about the babies - how often do we feed them, what times do they sleep, etc, etc.

Well, let me start by saying that they were on a strict 3-hour schedule in the NICU and we thought, "great! we'll just keep it going and all will be well"

Not so easy!

When Connor came home, we kept to the schedule very well. 2, 5, 8 and 11. Rinse and repeat.

By the way (and don't feel bad if you didn't know this - we didn't either), 3 hours does not mean you get a 3-hour break between feeds. It's wake at 2, change nappy (sometimes multiple times if baby pees/ poos while you're doing, which they seem to have a habit of doing in the wee small hours of the morning), feed, burp, feed, burp some more, rock to sleep, put down, shhhh baby if he's a bit fussy.... At this point 1 - 1 1/2 hours have elapsed, so there's 1 1/2 to 2 hours left before the next feed. I thought babies ate a lot quicker before having them.

Also, we were aware that we were "on trial" as he'd be weighed two weeks later at the appointment with the paediatrician so we were very careful to feed exactly on schedule. We even woke him (which, by the way, goes totally against my feelings - how can you wake a sleeping baby, especially one as cute as this boy, but apparently I want to be a competent mother more :) so we woke him to feed).

All went well and we were approved as good parents because Connor gained something like 45g a day over those two weeks, which is great.

At that same appt, we asked about moving him to 4-hour feeds, which she (the paed) was fine about doing, as long as he had the required amount of ml per day.

So we because slightly more lax in favour of more sleep and let Connor wake at 3 1/2 hours and sometimes, gloriously at 4 hours.

All this was easy to keep a record of (I'm a nerd, remember) because he was just one baby.

Then Kendra came home.

It's a whole new ballgame monitoring two babies and I totally abandoned The Notebook. I was actually so proud of this notebook in the days Before Kendra. I knew exactly when Connor made a poo, how much he drank and when, etc, etc.

After that, D would ask when C or K made a poo and I'd say something vague (I'm not a vague person by the way) like, "oh, sometime yesterday, or maybe it was last night. Actually could have been this morning".

No idea!

Anywayyyy, since life is about survival, we basically let the babies do their own thing. If they woke together, good and well; if not, also fine. We'd take whatever sleep we could get!

And the truth is that they let you know with their cries when they're hungry. When they cry, we do the NICU routine - grab baby, change nappy, feed, burp, put back to bed. Of course, as I said above, that takes anything from an hour to 90 minutes.

Although I must be fair to Connor - there have been some nights where he's slept longer, woken up starving after 4 hours, and the whole routine from start to finish has been 30 - 40 minutes. Yesss! More sleep for me.

The two of us love our sleep so we get the business done and then it's back to sleep.

This pic was taken while I was reading blogs on the laptop and feeding him, propping the bottle up with my chin. I'm trying to teach him to hold his bottle but so far he's not that interested in being independent :)

Back to Kendra... so she is strictly a 3-hour gal. Never sleeps a moment longer; in fact, often wakes a half hour earlier! You know what that means, right? Yip, even less sleep for us.

Interesting thing about Kendra - the MINUTE she pees, she screams in her sleep, waking herself up and then screams properly until the whole house is awake, even her brother.

D and I joke that we initially thought we'd have to buy separate cots so the babies wouldn't disturb one another; looks like we now have to buy separate HOUSES!

It's a joke but actually very true.

Seriously, she cries when wet, when hungry, and anytime she feels like it. You'd never say it looking at this pic though...

but this is a very familiar sight in our house. In the beginning I'd keep taking pictures hoping for one "nice" one and then I realised this is actually Kendra, no point denying the fact :) So we have lots of pics like this!

If they wake together, then D and I will each attend to a baby. Otherwise, it's really whoever gets to the baby first.

Confession time - I think I missed out on that "mother always hears her child crying" gene.

The truth is when one of the babies starts crying and I'm asleep, the crying weaves itself into a dream. By the time I'm aware that it's actually a real baby crying, the baby in question (usually Connor) is crying as if his heart is breaking because he's been ignored for some time. Either that or D will nudge me out of sleep.

Kendra shrieks and the high pitch usually breaks through the dream barrier :)

These days D does Kendra's and I do Connor's feeds at night time. That's so that we know when the baby in question woke, how long they slept, etc.

Which tells you that we don't wake the other twin when the one wakes. It's just easier for us because we don't wake with the cries. In fact, D sets his alarm clock to wake him.

New rules prevail

This past Tuesday they were 7 weeks old and something suddenly clicked for me. I realised these two LITTLE people are seriously kicking our butts. No more!

So we're trying to get them back on a schedule. And I've hauled out The Notebook again to keep copious notes. I've also learned that K eats as if she's a 3.2 kg baby and C as if he's a 4.6 - 5kg baby!

My full-time nanny starts on Tuesday and works from 8am - 5pm Monday - Friday. So our first goal will be to get them back on a 3-hour feeding schedule, then 3 and a half hour, then 4 hourly schedule. Hopefully this will help to restore some order to our lives again.

I typed up a 10-page document (don't laugh) on the babies...how to do bottles, laundry, bathing, etc, etc. so we are both on the same page, so to speak! I also have a feeding schedule form to keep track of the times and amts of their feeds.

I also have a new night nanny on Mondays and Thursdays so I'm getting a bit of freedom again - on Thursday last week I actually went to a dance class at the gym. The teacher asked me if I'm pregnant (!) but that's another story.

Wish me luck. Tomorrow I'll be TOTALLY on my own with these two for the entire day - pray that they'll be good babies and sleep lots and wake up one at a time because I only have two hands!

How are you guys doing?

Still missing being pregnant

I mentioned before how I saw a friend's maternity shoot pic and started crying. She sent me another preggy pic this weekend and there I went off, crying again.

It is honestly ridiculous because I love seeing the preggy belly and I'm happy for her.

So I wrote to her and told her I'd asked God to show me WHY I keep getting emotional when I saw her gorgeous belly pics and He answered me through this post.

Mandibula articulated what I couldn't quite get my head around.

It's because this was it for us - no more money for more IVFS so no other pregnancy is possible and since my pregnancy was also cut short, I'll never have a pregnant belly again and I LOVED being pregnant so much.

It almost doesn't seem fair. There are people who hate being pregnant and yet do it so easily and here I am, loving it but not able to do it naturally, or even enjoy the one pregnancy I did have the honour of having, right to the end.

I always knew I'd never go full-term but our goal was 36 weeks and I honestly believed I'd make it to at least 35 weeks, especially because I had no problems with high blood pressure, shortening cervix, babies in distress, nothing.

And I did everything the doctor said to do - when he said to start working half days, I did it (yes, with a bit of moaning and groaning, but I did it) and I was going to go on full maternity leave exactly when he said to do so too (32 weeks) but of course, the babies came early.

I'm hoping that by putting this on the blog, I can give a voice to these feelings and start getting over this issue!

P.S my one friend, who was 41 weeks pg when her son eventually arrived, said she also misses being pregnant :)

Business as usual?

A friend sent me an email to check if I'd had my six-week check-up with my gynae yet and was it "business as usual".

Actually, no, because my doctor is on holiday for two weeks. So I'll be having an eight-week check-up.

But.......we haven't done the deed since I was 26 weeks pregnant. That was when I had the second bleed and was told no exercise, no sex, no nothing.

So that makes it 12 weeks! Can't believe it's that long - will I even remember how it all works?

Or more importantly, will we be able to stay awake long enough?

;)

Kendra - an update

I can't believe Kendra's been home for only 2 and a half weeks. It feels much, much longer.

Kendra went for her check-up last week and weighed 2,23 kg - it was only an "acceptable" weight gain (an average of 20g per day since discharge) so we upped her feeds a bit and this week, her weight gain was "good" (average of 38g per day for the last week) as she now weighs exactly 2,5 kg . The new weight enabled her to be immunized.

Connor was immunized two weeks ago when he was 2,57 kg (in case you're interested, his weight gain since discharge was an average of 45g per day). I weighed him today (both of us on the scale, then only me.... so not very scientific) and he weighed 3,4 kg. Take off the heavy nappy and clothes and a more accurate number is probably 3,2 kg.

Since I'm nerdy, I like to know the background about the feeds so I asked the paed. Babies need 150 ml per kg per day. You then divide whatever that total comes to by the number of feeds - 6 or 8. So K needs 375 ml minimum every day. Divide that by her 8 feeds and we get 46.9 ml. We give her 50 ml for 6 feeds and I do two 75 ml feeds to try and keep her sleeping for a tiny bit longer.

I honestly can't say if Kendra's less fussy or if she's crying any less. Sometimes I think she's getting better; other times I think it's just the same. Frankly I'm too exhausted to think rationally and keep proper notes.

(Roz, my notebook hasn't been filled in for over a week!)

The paed said maybe it was colic but the definition is very loose - the baby must cry for 3 hours on at least 3 days every week.

I still don't think it's colic because it's only with us that she cries. She is happy as a clam with my mother. Probably because she is held all the time and picked up the minute she so much as opens her little mouth.

Of course if I had only one baby and nothing else to do, I could hold Kendra all the time too. But I can't - and this is the problem with twins - there's always another baby to attend to, and besides that, bottles, laundry, food and showers for me, etc.

I would also let her cry for longer if it weren't for Connor. The crying wakes him and then I have TWO babies to deal with, which is so unnecessary.

The * night nanny also has no problems with Kendra. When she came on Monday night, I asked her what she's doing to keep her quiet and she laughed. It's no joke - I really wanted to know. So she said she doesn't wait for them to wake (as we do); she wakes them to feed. Interesting...

Anyway, time to get some rest - a baby should be waking soon :)

(I have so much to blog about, so little time.)

* We're interviewing for a semi-permanent (about 6 nights a month for the next 3 months) night nanny tomorrow. Remember I said we'd been using my normal nanny who starts in Sept. Well, she can't work days and nights so I'm looking for someone else. Update to follow

6 weeks - part 2 - laundry and sleep deprivation

that is my actual washing line - I've been taking advantage of the warmer weather to get 80% of the drying done outside although my natural lazy instinct is to throw all of the clothes into the tumble dryer.

laundry

Since the babies came home, I've done more laundry than ever before.

I used to do laundry once a week for D and me. Now I'm doing at least one load every second day. The babies pee a lot, and they pee through their blankets and clothes, so it piles up quickly.

I mentioned in one post that Connor was peeing through everything and Rachel told me to make sure he was pointing down :) Did that and it worked a little bit. I mentioned it to my friend, C, with the twin girls, who said it would improve the minute they were big enough to "graduate" from the Huggies preemie nappies (diapers) to Pampers.

And it has.

Oh my word, what a difference. Connor's probably around 3 kg now - he weighed 2,57 kg two weeks ago - so on Saturday I put him in a Pampers Newborn nappy (2,5 - 5kg it says) and NO MORE SOAKED CLOTHES. That nappy keeps all the pee and doesn't leak. Amazing - I am loving it. Seriously. (D says I'm a marketer's dream - he can laugh all he wants but when I love something, I seriously LOVE IT :))

So now we need to get Kendra bigger so we can move her to the Pampers too and hopefully my laundry situation can get back to normal.

I actually counted the other day - they have a total of 14 babygrows and 13 vests - all preemie - and I refuse to buy any more of the tiny baby stuff. Hence all the laundry.

Connor has just about outgrown the preemie babygrows from Edgars. I have babygrows from 3 places and the Edgars ones are the smallest so have fitted them the best from day 1.


sleep deprivation

In the last 6 weeks I think I've cried more than I cried the entire 6 years before this. Before you call in the men with the white coats, let me add that I'm not a crying sort of person. Usually very even-tempered and yet...the hormones in those first two weeks coupled with the sleep deprivation since the babies came home from the NICU have left me a bit frazzled.

It feels like I'm ungrateful at times but someone told me that I'm still a normal parent (!) even though I went through infertility and am still entitled to all the normal feelings that go along with it. All true.

I've been keeping track of the crying (very nerdy of me but I need to know if I'm losing it...) and it is actually not that frequent - Thurs 6th, Tues 11th, Sat 15th, Tues 18th.......

On Tues 11th I hid in the bathroom to have some space and cry. That's when I decided to get the night nanny because I realised I'm sleep-deprived and it's affecting my reasoning.

Really, it's not fun and I am soooo not someone who can survive on just a few hours sleep. I've always needed at least 7, but preferably 8 or 9 hours sleep a night - nothing's changed now that the babies are here.

If you're pregnant and reading, sleep as much as you can now. Not that you can store it up, but just enjoy it. I soooooooooo miss my uninterrupted sleep.

I'm holding it together - sometimes I feel like I'm doing a great job (D certainly thinks so) and sometimes I think I'm barely holding it together.

The night nanny helps and of course, more nights would be better, but we can only afford about 6 nights maximum every month, so we'll savour each hour of those 6 nights.

babies

I love, love, love looking at their sweet little faces, hearing their cute little sounds and still have moments where I can't believe they're mine - finally.


P.S. trying to be honest about what life is like with two little ones but very, very grateful I have them in my life

My squirmy worm - (almost) wordless wednesday

I decided to dress Connor in leggings and a little jacket-type thing for a change instead of the standard babygrow.

Here he is, having a sleep.

I lifted the blanket to find........................ no leggings. I thought "am I losing my mind? I'm sure I put the leggings on him" although am sleep-deprived so you never know.......

but then I looked closer. Look at the bottom of the pic - he wriggled out of the leggings :)

this pic is for Natalie - I know you love the toes like I do :)

P.S. I actually took these pics to show D when he got home from work but they were too cute not to post :)

6 weeks - part 1 - about pregnancy and the babies

I almost can't believe it's been 6 weeks since the babies were born.

Guess who this is?

Kendra, of course - the only pic I could get of her and such a familiar sight :)

And this is Connor

things I'm still missing about being pregnant

• my glowing skin :) seriously, I've had to moisturise like crazy to even get my skin to look half-normal


• my thick hair - I went to the hairdresser to have the grey coloured and it didn't take!!! So I'll try again in a week or two. Apparently my hormones are still going haywire.............


• The Bump. I still have 2kg to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Started wearing non-preggy jeans a few days ago. Stretch jeans, but still, it didn't look too hideous.


• eating on demand - I am back to my bad habits of eating breakfast at lunch time and eating rubbish like chocolates and chips (crisps). I think I had an orange two days ago for the first time since I had the babies, and before they were born, I was having two a day plus an assortment of other fruits.


• email chats with my pregnant friends!!! Yes, you, you and you :)

things I don't miss

• getting up in the night to pee


• pubic bone pain when I'd roll around from side to side in bed


• pressure under the bump when walking


• people looking at me in horror when I'd say "still 6 weeks to go" or whatever

and now the babies...

• The first nappy (diaper) I ever changed in my life was Kendra's and then Connor's. Since then, I feel like I've changed millions. On the bright side, I am now a pro. I think nothing of grabbing the baby and lifting its bum to sniff if there's a poo.
• Connor has tried his best to aim his pee at me but I'm too fast for him :) He nearly got me today but my super fast reflexes beat him to it. That's a joke - I have the worst reflexes ever but it got better in pregnancy as I'd catch things to prevent myself having to actually bend over and pick them up. Maybe that stayed?
• Another thing I am a pro at is the bottle thing. I (kind of) joked with D and said my life consists of bottles, babygrows and babies (maybe I should start a new blog?). I wash, sterilise and make 16 bottles a day, sometimes more, because when Kendra cries, I give her a bottle whether it's her time to feed or not. We checked with the paediatrician to see if you can overfeed a baby and she said no, the baby will vomit what she doesn't want/ need. I've discovered I'm a bit of a control freak (no!) about the bottles - I think it's because I studied microbiology so I'm super-fussy about germs. Well...that's my excuse.

More on the laundry, emotions, sleep, etc. in a day or two.......... tell me in the comments if there's anything specific you want to know about and I'll include it in my next post.

The night nanny

K - cute toes after her bath

Well, the night nurse worked out beautifully.

I mentioned the money issue in my last post about sleep and I must say it got a lot worse before it got better.

Since Kendra wants to be held all the time, I decided to buy a sling so I phoned (just for you Mandy P :)) the lady who'd come to demonstrate her slings at our antenatal classes to order one. She was coming to the hospital to do the demonstration so we arranged to meet there.

Since I was there anyway, I decided to pop into the NICU to chat to the nurses who do night nursing. Long story short, they charge much more than the R250 I'd been expecting (R384) and was therefore totally out of our budget.

Very disappointed since I really liked these ladies and they know Connor and Kendra from their NICU days.

A friend then sent me another agency's details who place night nannies/ nurses and their rates were R250 per night so I emailed her too.

I also had a bright idea. So I texted my nanny starting on 1 Sept to see if she'd be willing to do some night nannying for us this month. And after some negotiations around price (R200), she agreed.

She arrived on time (actually a bit earlier), I showed her everything I needed to and left her to it. I was concerned that she wouldn't remember everything or that one of them would act up (K) and cause her to be flustered but she was very relaxed.

If you're paying for sleep, then you need to sleep. (earlier on Thursday, our paed said to me that I probably wouldn't be able to relax properly this time - I said "you don't know me - I love my sleep")

So I slept for 9 solid hours, totally uninterrupted by baby cries, worry, etc.

The next day was amazing - I felt myself again. D and my mother were also cheerful because we were all caught up on sleep. D slept 8 hours because he had to get up to go to work and my mother slept 10 hours.

The two of them were all "you're wasting your money" before but yesterday had totally changed their minds :) and came up with all these suggestions - "can't she work one or two nights when she starts in Sept?" etc, etc.

Finally they could see the value of sleep.

And I woke to two sleeping babies and a clean kitchen!

So we will see - she'll work a night for me every week until her actual start date of 1 Sept. I don't think she'll be able to continue after that but I will discuss with her because it's easier for me to cope on my own during the days than endure the sleep deprivation.

D's idea is that we negotiate instead of the 5 days we'd decided on, she does 2 days and 2 nights, so there's no difference in salary for her but we benefit at night, at least for the first month or two.

And now we look forward to our next full night of sleep - probably Monday or Tuesday night.

I'm so grateful to live in South Africa where help is very affordable - I don't know how you US gals do it all alone, I really don't know!

sleep

I'm so excited I can barely stand it.

We've got a night nanny coming tonight so we can sleep :)

Will update you tomorrow.


P.S. Kendra now weighs 2.23 kg.

35 week belly shot aka the reverse belly

I gained 10,9 kg (multiply by 2.2 for pounds) during my pregnancy.

A week later I’d already lost 6,3 of the 10,9 kg I gained during the pregnancy. Other people would be happy but it made me very sad – I cried and cried on the first Sat when I saw that over 5kg had already gone – because I loved being pregnant and it all happened so suddenly.

To date, I only have 2,1kg to go to get to my pre-preg weight.

Here are some reverse belly pics in the same format we took the preggy belly pics. These were taken nearly two weeks ago.

together at last

He looks three times her size but is actually only about 0.5 kg heavier.


plan B with sleeping arrangements - a camp cot. D assembled it, put the babies in andthen called me to see.

Well, I burst out crying.

Tears of happiness for a change.

This long, 4 1/2 year journey has led to this - finally!

Who needs sleep anyway?

It seems I really do!

When Kendra was still in the NICU and we only had Connor at home, it was a MILLION times easier.

D and I had our system - I did the 11pm and 2am feeds and he did the 5am and 8am feeds. No problem.

I could even cope with him alone when D went to work.

Connor is such an easy baby - we change him first (as they do in NICU) and then feed him and put him back in his bed.

Even when he's still awake, he lies there watching with his big eyes and then eventually nods off.

But no crying.

We were so paranoid about feeding him every 3 hours that we'd even wake him to feed at the scheduled times. And it goes against my very grain to wake a sleeping baby :)

Now that we know he's growing beautifully, and we know the formula (150ml per kg of baby, divide by no. of feeds per day), we're a lot more flexible. But I digress!

If he wakes before we do, he makes these little grunts for about 5 minutes and then if still no response, he starts fussing a bit more and then lets out a proper scream after that.

Kendra is another kettle of fish altogether.

She starts SCREAMING from the get go. No warning. 0 - 100 in 0.1 seconds.

Then we change and feed (we've actually started feeding first to calm her down) and have to wait until she's sleeping soundly before putting her down. If she's even the slightest bit awake she starts the SCREAMING again.

Now here's the thing.

She was absolutely inconsolable on Monday night. Here we were picturing another Connor and rosy feeding times and along came Kendra.

Would not settle - was clean and dry, fed, burped but nothing.

A HORRIBLE night.

Tuesday was a bit better - just a bit.

Wednesday more or less a repeat of Monday. Then D said something rude to me, I started crying and we were fighting. This all in the early hours of the morning which incidentally was my 35th birthday. Was emotional anyway because the twins' goal due date was Wed (36 weeks)

So I had a terrible start to my momentous birthday. It got better though at the paed appt because everything was perfect with Connor and of course, he was a nice, big boy at 2,57kg.

Afterwards we went to visit the NICU and told our sad story to the nurse there. She suggested that it may be colic? I'm not sure but I don't think so because she's 10 times better during the day.

D apologised for being rude and sarcastic (said it's lack of sleep).... we then went out for a nice bookshop jaunt (that's our nerdy thing to do) and then an early supper while we left the grandmothers babysitting.

That evening my mother (who's staying with us) offered to keep Kendra the entire evening. I couldn't say YES fast enough. I am a bad mother but I need my sleep and I don't mind the getting up (okay, that's a lie, I do :)) but I do mind the unnecessary SCREAMING. And she wakes her brother who then can't seem to settle. Already he gives me these looks like "who on EARTH is that loud girl?" Poor thing.

So my dreams these days don't include travels to exotic new destinations as they did before but a night nurse.

I have already asked God to show me HOW I can make an extra R5000 a month for a night nurse. He did it before with the IVF money so I know we can do it again. Already found R1000 in the budget for one evening a week, R4000 to go!

Any tips on getting Kendra to settle and settle quickly?

Breast vs Bottle - part 2

he loves sleeping like this and I just melt at the sight of the cheeks and his cute little mouth

Remember the post about the breastfeeding?


I realised that I need to do an update, so here goes...


I'd been carrying on, pumping away day after day, and taking the Espiride. After I did that post about not feeling myself, I halved the dose (only took the morning pill) which seemed to work much better for me. I could feel things again and yet it just took off the hormonal edge :)


The pills seemed to help a bit because I started getting 20ml, then 40 ml and then a grand total of around 60ml breast milk daily.


I know - big WOW :)


I took my offerings to the NICU daily - the one nurse was so awesome. She'd dutifully divide the milk between the two babies and then top up their feed with formula. And best of all, act like it was actually SOMETHING when I felt so stupid bringing in such a little milk.


I love empathetic people.


Then Connor came home. No difference to the pumping but I did feel like since he was well enough to be home, all the milk (ha!) should go to Kendra.


So that's what I did.


The following week we started getting an indication that Kendra was getting well enough to come home (temp regulating, etc.).


This also coincided with me reading an article on breastfeeding in a magazine.


The article said something about the first hours and the first week being crucial. And even if you don't have your baby with you immediately, to start as soon as you were together.



First I got cross (with the hospital staff for not telling me the proper story) and then I felt depressed because I take responsibility for not researching enough to be informed.


Oh dear, does this emotional roller coaster ever end? I'm so not used to being up and down.


That Thursday night I texted a couple of my friends to get the number of a lactation consultant. Well, all 3 of them gave me the same lady's name. And in the article, she was quoted as a reference too.


My one friend (who currently is breastfeeding her twin girls and doing a fantastic job - the only one I know with twins who is b.feeding, by the way) texted me two days later to check what the lady said and I was embarrassed to tell her that I still hadn't contacted her.


I continued to procrastinate until Sunday night. I'm not normally a procrastinator and wondered why I was doing it with this issue. I think it's because I hate failing at anything (um, infertility!) and also, I didn't know if she would be harsh with me because I didn't want to cry some more (up and down emotions).


But then again...I also wanted closure one way or the other. So I phoned.


I left a message for the lady and she called back within 30 minutes and was FABULOUS. Objective, very clear but also didn't beat me up for not contacting her sooner.


Asked me loads and loads of questions to get all the details.... twins born at 32 weeks, in NICU, one out, the other will be out in the next 24 hours, pumping not really working, blah blah blah.

Eventually she said that from the time of the birth, I should have been told to pump every 3 hours, day AND night, whether the babies were in ICU or not. That would have stimulated my milk supply sufficiently.

Well, the bottom line was this - I could still do it but it would be a long, uphill battle, virtually impossible. For starters, I'd have to hire a double breast pump because my Phillips Avent would really only do the trick if my milk supply was adequate to start off with, and then pump 3-hourly, around the clock.

Now that plus taking care of twins = setting myself up for failure

And what a relief knowing that was. She said to me "your babies will be fine with formula" and "there's no point in looking back now" - all very true.



I'd decided to continue until a few days after Kendra was home (up to the Friday to make it a full 4 weeks of pumping - I like round numbers!) but the homecoming day (Monday) was SO hectic, I only realised at 9pm that I still needed to pump.


And thought "stuff this" - I actually don't have the energy.


So that is that.



My babies are being formula-fed and from the looks of it, they seem fine. Look at his nice, fat cheeks.



Connor went for a check-up on Thursday and now weighs 2,57kg (multiply by 2,2 for pounds) and is perfectly healthy.


And the best thing is, his mother's feeling emotionally strong!


Things I am learning on this journey

• not to compare myself to others, especially my friend C with her twin girls
• everybody's body is different
• everybody's parenting journey is different

Kendra's homecoming pics

Last week we knew Kendra was about ready to come home because they'd moved her to a bassinet (which means she was regulating her temperature) and she was feeding from the bottle on almost all the feeds.

She still had the feeding tube though.

So when the feeding tube came out she would have needed to finish her complete feeds from the bottle for an entire day.

I got a call from the paed on Friday telling me her haemoglobin levels were a bit low and they wanted to do a blood transfusion if that was okay with us (of course it's okay). They went ahead and everything was well so she was "nice and pink" again on Saturday.

Then came the snotty nose.

She'd needed to be suctioned (gross!) before each feed because her nostrils were so blocked and we had atrocious weather in Jhb on the weekend so they wanted to keep her in until her nose was better.

That happened to be Monday and is when she was finally discharged.

we'd just arrived home

displaying some awesome lung capacity - my word, this girl can SCREAM!

Connor and I just behold the vision of the screaming baby in wonder because Connor is SOOO chilled. I'm not a screamer either but I don't keep quiet if I'm unhappy.

Maybe this is the baby version of being assertive?!

In case you've been wondering...

Kendra's home.

She was discharged from the NICU yesterday after 27 days - yesss! less than a month.

Life is HECTIC - I will be brutally honest if people want to ask questions :) - I have found myself falling asleep twice during the day and this morning fell asleep while burping Connor.

I am coping okay for now but dread to see what will happen when D goes back to work.........

more later - the boy needs changing and feeding :)