Breast vs bottle

I want to write so much but I don't quite know where to start because the noise in my head is loud!

Okay, some background.

I'm very goal-oriented but have never been hung up about the how to get there. If one way doesn't yield results, I'm very happy to try another and another until I get to my goal.

E.g. we wanted to have a baby, it wasn't working out the way it works for 90% of the population, so we went the IVF route.

Tried one protocol - chemical pregnancy.

Tried another - TWINS.

No problems because the outcome is the same - there's a baby.

So too with the feeding.

Our goal is to grow them big and strong; I'm again not real hung up about the how we get there.

Plan A is breastfeeding. Plan B is feeding breast milk by bottle. Plan C is formula.

As you know the babies were early at 32 weeks. I was still dealing with the pregnancy loss and didn't even THINK about breastfeeding and whatnot, until people started asking me the same questions all the time.

1. Are you planning to breastfeed?
2. Do you have milk?
3. Can you actually breastfeed preemies?

I have a confession. I deleted about 5 text messages with well-meaning questions because I was just so emotionally drained.

Eventually on the morning of day 2, I asked my doctor when he did his morning check-up, "when is this milk supposed to appear?" and he said on day 3.

So then what was everybody fussing about?! It's only day 2.

Well, we started "stimulating" the b**bs that day (with the hospital breast pump, 20 mins per side) - not a drop.

Nothing had changed by day 3 - the day I was discharged.

So I sent D to the baby shop to buy a breast pump. R2000 later (divide by 7.5 for US$), I had my Phillips Avent but still not a drop.

On the Saturday there were a few drops and then they went rock hard and ginormous on the Sunday (day 5). My pregnant belly was the 8th wonder of the world; these were the 9th!

I chatted to the nurses on Sunday afternoon - they felt my pump might be too weak! So phoned a lactation consultant who phoned me back the next day.

Monday 13th
Lactation consultant phoned back. There's no point in her seeing me now before the babies are out but "you need to get that milk out". Try warm compresses and cabbage leaves.

Since we don't eat cabbages, tried the warm compresses and hot showers - nothing but drops.

Tuesday 14th
Sent my friend a text message and asked her if she had cabbage. She didn't but was at the shops so she bought me one. Well, it's winter here and those cabbage leaves were ICE cold but they seemed to do the trick as my breasts were softening and now I was getting a tablespoon of liquid. I'd put a cabbage leaf and then use a piece of kitchen towel over that and then pull down my bra. And you said I wasn't a fashionista :)

Tues pm
Went to maternity to use their breast pump to see if there was any difference. None so it's not the breast pump; it is, in fact, my defective body!

Same story Wed and Thurs and Friday - only about a tablespoon of milk

On Friday night, my husband says, "don’t you want to stop? it looks like it is such a lot of work for so little reward".

I said, "well first of all, R2000!!!! And secondly, today’s just a week."

It takes about an hour to get maybe 2 tablespoons of liquid and you can do nothing because you have to hold that pump in exactly the right position, not one degree off. It only does one b**b at a time.

So I saw the doctor and asked what he could give me for the milk.

He gave me a prescription for Es.piride which is a generic of Eg.lynol.

I thought it was for lactation first and then secondly, an anti-depressant. However, I see it's first an AD and then has the side effect of helping along the lactating.

Okayyyyy then....

I've never been on AD's and really, I don't need it but I'm staying on for a couple of weeks just to persist with this milk thing.

So is this what ADs feel like? (this is day 5 on Esp.iride)

I'm a bit numb – I don’t feel myself – way too calm and dispassionate, like there's a filter between me and my emotions. I’m usually quite passionate and feel really strongly about things. But I'm not a moody person and I'm generally (80% of the time) very optimistic, the other 20% realistic.

I don’t feel depressed – yes I do cry, but it feels normal to me because it’s less than an hour a day, on the days when it does happen, so I feel it is unnecessary but am doing my bit for the team by staying on the meds for a bit!

On Sunday I was allowed to undo Kendra's foot monitor and take her to D to hold so the twins could have their first pic together. Normally I'd be so excited and in my head I am. It's just that I can't really feel that excitement, you know?

A work friend actually said to me on Saturday “you’re way too calm for someone with two babies in the ICU” and I feel exactly that.

On the bright side, no more crying! But how weird – I prefer the crying!!!

Like I said to the girls at the IF support group last night, I am WELL aware that my body's defective and have made my peace with that long ago. What bugs me is people's expectations. and I am battling with this – my body’s failed in so many other ways – at least I carried the twins okay and they are healthy! – because this b/feeding business is not endearing itself to me at all.

Although I am now armed with some knowledge - that it can take up to 3 weeks, even longer. That I need to give this medication a chance to regulate within my body, at least 10 days. I was ready to stop the Esp.iride after a week because I feel too weird.

Am I making too big a deal about this? Is it me wanting to be in control of my emotions?

Any tips on the breast/ bottle thing? And on the AD's?