We've been in the NICU twice now when things got a bit hectic.
Not with one of our babies, but drama with one of the other babies.
The one incident happened the night after the good NICU visit, on a Monday evening.
One minute we were all relaxed, loving on the babies and the next minute an incubator was wheeled in with a baby.
Picture the TV show, ER - machines beeping, paediatrician and 4 nurses working on that baby all talking medical stuff, SCARY!
Then of course you can't just get a nurse to give your baby back and get the hell out of there because they're all busy.
SO we're pretending all is normal - la la la la - meanwhile it's all going crazy. V stressful.
By the way, I learned a few days later (from my obgyn's receptionist) that that baby only made it until the next morning. Very very sad!
I keep remembering Dr G (my infertility doctor) saying to me "our goal is a live, take-home baby". At the time I thought he was being overly dramatic (how hard could it be once you were pregnant? Ha!) but now I see exactly what he meant.
That is the first type of bad visit.
The second is a combination or one of:
- nurses being sarcastic about how we're late/ don't visit enough, etc. Normally I would assert myself and tell them exactly what's what. Now however, I shut up and change the subject because I know it's crazy (they're professionals and all that) but I don't want to take the chance that if they don't like me, they'll take it out on my babies and not care for them properly.
- the babies looking especially fragile. While I'm there, I just keep focussing on the vision God gave me about 6 years ago of my two teenagers - a girl and a boy. At the time I just assumed they were two years apart, but when I was pregnant, I realised it was these two. C is a bit bigger than K as well as being a boy so it was them I saw! Of course the minute I walk out of the ICU, I cry!
- being hormonal
Awww. This sounds horrible but whenever I worry about Emma and her being stuck in NICU I make sure to look in the other rooms on my way to the pumping room. Seeing the micro-preemies and babies on all the scary machines is a reminder that she's not sick, just small. A tiny fighter like her mama.
ReplyDeleteUgh! My heart breaks that pregnancy and birth can't be the easy, happy dream that we all wish it was. Reality is that infertility exists as do premie babies and heart defects and immature lung development, etc. It's an ugly truth that not all babies get to make it home from the hospital and become the teenagers of your vision, but I do believe that God has that in store for you. Life is full of hard truths, but I think that when the ugly truth is one that you can't do anything about to physically solve, probably the best response is to treasure even more what you have- shower it with love and hold onto it tightly, thanking God everyday for the miracle He's given you.
ReplyDeleteMandi, exactly! Your little Emma and my two were just small, not sick :)
ReplyDeleteAnd the nurses keep saying, they’re actually very big for having been born so early.
I just love that you had a vision of your two children... and that your vision is becoming reality.
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