Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Where do I start?

There's SOOOOO much I want to talk about - I don't know where to start, so I do nothing.

9-week scan
I went for my usual weekly scan yesterday and when the lovely Dr J asked how I'm doing, I said, "fine. There has been absolutely no drama whatsoever"

He said, "good. that's what we like to hear"

I always take a deep breath when they do the wand thing and wait to see those two sacs on the monitor and yes, they're both still there.

Then I exhale.

Yesterday they measured 25 and 29mm, with heartbeats at 176 and 179.

I said, "isn’t that too high?" and he said, “it’s perfect. Wouldn’t your heartbeat be up if you were this active?” You can see on the scan how they move like little fish.

It is sooo cute.

He measured everything - cervix ("nice and long" at 52mm), etc. and I only realised why later.

Because he's now "released me" to go to a normal obgyn.

Nothing about my female bits has been normal since 2001 Do you know how weird this is???

I could NOT believe it - I thought I'd be seeing them every week until 12 weeks.

But apparently my pregnancy is perfect and there is no need for the close monitoring anymore.


I felt 20% happy and 80% anxious. This is one of the things I have to talk about in detail because it is all so confusing!

I feel so sorry for these poor babies because I say to them, "now be good and show Dr J a nice strong heartbeat" My hubby says, "I hope you're not going to be one of THOSE mothers."

Dear Lord, so do I. The poor children are behaving beautifully for their paranoid mother.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Weird dreams and broken sleep

These days I look forward to my weekends so much so I can sleep as much as I want.

I've always loved my sleep but these's like heaven.

(Can I confess something? I've asked God to please give these children that same sleeping thing that I have - my mother says I've loved sleep since the minute I was born)

This weekend I had really terrible sleep.

I'm getting up to pee twice some nights so there's that. And then on Saturday night the mosquitos were buzzing around the room, driving me nuts. I can't stand that zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sound.

But this is the real reason I had broken sleep. I dreamt that it was time to have the babies (of course, it'll be by C-section since I've already had two laparotomies) and the nurse gave me ONE baby dressed in blue.

I said to her, "where's the other one?" and there was only the one. So I woke with a start.

Of course, neurotic me says to my hubby, "what if it's God preparing me for Tuesday's scan?" He thinks I'm crazy - there's no cramping, no blood, why am I panicking?

But then, just to reassure me, I was queasy for most of Sunday. Of course, you know that symptoms make me very happy because it feels like everything is as it should be.

Friday, January 23, 2009

My heart melted this morning

Something really cute happened this morning.

My husband came to ask me where the movies are he'd filmed with our camera at the scan on Tuesday.

So I told him the location on the computer and he goes to watch it again.

Very unusual - he is a MAN of course - no sentimentality at all.

He said, "I just wanted to hear those heartbeats again". Of course, I didn't mind one bit.

Aaaaaahhhhh, how sweet!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

8-week scan

My husband got the time wrong so I was there at 2.30 for a 3.00 appt. Grrr.

Anyway, at 3:00 exactly they called me (miracle) and up I jumped on the bed. I'm loving Dr J's methodical and structured approach because he tells the nurse, "okay, let's start with the baby on the anterior blah blah blah"

At that point I switch off because I'm enraptured, gazing at the beautiful blobs that are my babies.

Again he asked "how are you doing?" and again I said "anxious, but now not because of bleeding but because I have NO SYMPTOMS except I'm exhausted". He said with twins it's normal to have that utter and complete exhaustion.

These babies are seriously kicking my butt - I am already a slave to their every whim.

Anyway, so he says, "well, they're both still there" and then I actually start breathing again. It feels like I'm waiting to exhale all the time.

The twins measured 18,2 and 19.5 mm and their heartbeats were both a good, strong 172.

I swear the sweetest sound ever is the sound of those heartbeats - I literally can't stop smiling when I think of it.

I am amazed at the miracles God has given us.

So here's a picture of "the beautiful strong backbone" (you know how medical people are - they find things beautiful that normal people don't, like during the injections, "ooh, look at that beautiful endometrial lining"...) of one of the twins.

I joked and said "of course, it's my child!"

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I'm petrified

Today's the 2nd scan (I'll be 8 weeks tomorrow) and I'm petrified.

Since I have virtually no symptoms, I don't know what's going on down there.

I keep clinging to that verse in Hebrews that I saw on Nity's blog

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"

And yesterday I had no symptoms whatsoever - no sore boobs, no nausea, no tiredness, nothing! I had to phone for a 12-week appointment at a "normal" obstetrician and I actually whispered to the receptionist, "I'm pregnant".

Although today I've been yawning so much I feel like I could fall asleep right here at my desk.

I have a question for those of you who are pregnant after infertility:

When does this paranoia go away???

(Surely I can't go for a scan every week just to reassure myself, like Tertia
did. I thought it was a bit over the top at first; now that I'm there I understand COMPLETELY and would happily pop in weekly)

Saturday, January 17, 2009

for those who read through their rss feed

sorry for all the mismatched posts - I wrote a whole lot the other day at work and wanted to post them in sequence but some of you started emailing me to ask about the scan so I had to write the scan post quickly.

Everything is still fine today (saturday) - except for the total and utter exhaustion.

Today we went to one small mall where I had to do about 3 quick errands (total time in mall including having bottomless lemonade and a muffin was just over an hour) and I had to have a sleep when I got home!

I've not had a discharge since the last smudge on Wed morning - thank God for that.

Next scan on Tuesday!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Symptoms update

I forgot to tell you all...

I started having slight queasiness on the 2nd Jan. Thank goodness it waited because we had a yummy lunch with my mother-in-law on New Year's Day and I wouldn't have wanted to miss out :)

Basically, it was starting at around lunch-time and lasting until around 6 for a few days, and then it stopped totally during the day and moved to very early morning. I have to get up at 6 to have a pee and when I go back to bed, I'm a bit queasy until I fall asleep and get up at my normal time (7:30). Then I'm alright.

Last night though, I had a bit of a headache which went into crazy bad headache and total loss of appetite which always makes me feel sick. I'm the kind of person who can eat through just about anything!

I have also gone off my beloved tea but I am enjoying a mug of coffee during the day. I mean, really enjoying it like I haven't for a long, long time. I'm forcing myself to have a cup of green tea every two days though to keep me regular :)

I know it's crazy (welcome to my world!) but I feel like if I get constipated, something will happen to the pregnancy!

Then, the super-intense sense of smell is still there. I'm like, "euwwwww" all the time because it's like I can smell stuff faaaaarrrrrr away.

My breasts don't seem that sore these days or maybe I'm more used to them now. And I'm not as tired.

Now normal people would be grateful for almost no symptoms but the other night I realised I was crazy when after supper I said to my husband, "oooh, yes, there's some nausea"

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The best Christmas present ever

I bought this little stocking (it is tiny) years ago, when I still thought that falling pregnant would happen quickly, like normal people.

Every year when I took out our decorations, I'd stuff this little stocking into one of ours, sad that yet another year was going by.

This was the first year I could take it out and hang it up - isn't it sweet?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

7 week ultrasound scan

I was doing my avoidance tactics this morning because suddenly it felt like if there was something wrong, being late for my appointment would delay the inevitable.

I know - crazy!

But despite my best efforts, I was only a few minutes late and of course, I still waited 10 - 15 minutes.

Finally it was my turn.

So up I jumped on the bed and when Dr J entered the room, he asked me how I was doing (I never know if they mean physically or emotionally or what - anyway!) and I said, "worried and anxious because I've been bleeding". So he said, "you're your own worst enemy" which is true.

Then Dr J put in that horrible thing and says, "please go empty your bladder" which I'd already did and told him so, but of course, they don't take any notice of my strop so I went and did it anyway.

I peed about 3 drops (or that's what it felt like) but apparently "oooh, yes, that's perfect now" when we tried again.

And this is what we saw...

TWO SACS which did not excite me because a sac does not always equal a heart-beating baby, now does it?

Dr J is very methodical and structured in his approach so he says to the nurse, okay, let's do the one on the left. 11.8 mm and then he clicked somewhere else, turned on the speakers and I heard the most amazing sound ever - the heartbeat. Fast and furious at 152 bpm.

Then we moved onto the right one. 11.7mm and a heartbeat of 161 bpm.

I'm amazed that two little things that tiny have such strong little heartbeats. So I'm calling them the kidney beans :) I love kidney beans, by the way.

When I look at these blobs, my heart goes to mush and I feel all fuzzy inside.

Oh, this is one of the best parts - apparently I have a really big placenta and he says that's probably why I've been bleeding a bit. That sets my mind at ease a bit.

After the whole thing was done he said, "well, you're going to have to start worrying about something else because these two are doing just fine".

But he wants to see me weekly until I have a new obgyn (I'm not going back to my old gynae - no trust) so now that's what I'm worrying about. Why does he want to see me weekly?

Then again, I thought about it today and it's not a bad thing to hear those cute heartbeats on a weekly basis.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Does it ever stop?

3 days of no bleeding, I just start relaxing and today around 12 I go to the loo to find brown discharge (quite a bit).

I had to go out at lunch-time, to an interview (remember this work situation?) but when I got back, I stayed at my desk the entire time until I left work.

I went straight home, took YET ANOTHER pregnancy test (a nice quick positive - in fact, with this one, the test was darker than the control - love it!) and went to watch TV with my laptop.

I got my hubby to get takeaway pasta so I didn't have to cook.

Can't WAIT for the scan tomorrow - one way or another it will be good to know!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The rest worked

Thank God all that resting worked because I have not had a spot of blood or smudges for 3 full days.

We travelled home on Saturday to find that a pipe leading to our geyser had burst so my dining room and bathroom were flooded.

Of course I wanted to just escape but my wonderful hubby told me to rest while he mopped up all the mess, and placed towels and mats everywhere.

So now there's the schlep of dealing with all the companies to get the repairs done to carpets, ceilings, cupboards, etc.

If it's not one thing, it's the next, right?

Friday, January 09, 2009

Some more taking it easy & more peeing on a stick

Today I decided that I'm vegging in the hotel room the entire day - the furthest I'm walking is to the loo and that's it!

I read in a Pregnancy and Childbirth book (is anyone else fascinated by childbirth like I am? I swear I turn to that section first in any book I pick up) that I bought yesterday something like this: when miscarriage is threatened, the best thing to do is total bed rest in a cool room.

This morning there was a bit of discharge (brown this time, which I can deal with) and I'm hoping that the rest and cool room (the air con is blasting away) will do its thing and stop the bleeding.

It's our last day of holidays and I also decided that if, when we see the scan next week, everything's alright, I'm not doing a stitch of travelling until the baby's here.

It is too stressful being so far away from the doctors who know my long and eventful story.

Everything seems to be coming right with the discharge - really, I'm sorry about all the information, but I need to remember it all and it's all I can think about.

Today I sent my hubby for some pregnancy tests when he went to get us lunch - now remember this is a small place so he had to search for a little pharmacy but he returned with the treasured sticks!!!

Of course, he'd barely handed me the bag when I was in that loo peeing on that stick and I'm glad to say two lines appeared almost immediately.

Yes, I'm crazy but I need some peace about this.

(thank goodness I got some extra books when we were out yesterday because I've finished all the ones I brought with me)

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Doing the tourist thing

This morning no smudges, no blood, nothing!!!

We set off with plenty of water, snacks, fruit and of course, hats and sunscreen.

Went into Sabie first - it is so beautiful I sometimes literally can't breathe when I look at God's creation.

Sabie is wood country - there are two paper mills here - so there are lots of mountains and beautiful trees.

And, as I said yesterday, there are stacks of touristy things to do all around Sabie, Graskop and Hazyview.

We then went to Graskop and had the famous Harrie's pancakes. My husband had one with milk tart custard and I had an apple pie filling.

I only managed just a little bit before I was full so I took the rest away.

My camera died when we got to Mac-Mac Falls so I took shots with my memory ;) My husband managed to get this one shot.

And then we went back to the hotel.

I was exhausted so I had a snooze and when I awoke, RED blood again which scared me so much. My DH is philosophical (if it's going to end, it's going to end) but I'm like NO!!!! we've come too far for that.

So we went to have a light salad supper and straight back where I jumped into bed. To forget about my troubles while I read.

Why is nothing about this easy???

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Taking it easy

I find this "taking it easy" thing difficult when I'm at home in my natural surroundings, probably because there's always something to do.

Kitchen to clean, clothes to pack away, etc.

But somehow when I'm away I have no problem whatsoever just laying around, reading, eating and watching TV.

It's wonderful... until I remember WHY I'm taking it easy.

I managed an hour and a half reading at the pool this morning, dipping my legs into the pool, until the heat got too much.

Have I mentioned I'm not a fan of the heat?!

Small smudge this morning but nothing the rest of the day, so we're planning to take a drive tomorrow to do the "tourist thing".

It's really really beautiful here and there are lots of things to see within a 150km round trip back to our hotel.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

The spotting drama

I keep asking myself, why can nothing be easy???

Today I woke up with a large amount of brown discharge to greet me. We're on holiday about 4 hours away from home in a really, really tiny place - great for holidaying and nothing going wrong!

Of course I freaked out and immediately sent my doctor a text message to ask if I should go for a scan in this little one-horse town or was it "nothing" to worry about.

Well, I'd hardly pressed "send" when he phoned me back. He was also on holiday on the other side of the country.

He stopped me taking the Ecotrin (baby asprin) and told me to "take it easy" for 2 entire days by which time the bleeding should have stopped.

Thank goodness the bleeding has lessened to mere smudges so it looks like things are on the mend.


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