It's backwards day over at Shannon's place and today, I get to ask you some questions!!!
We have been diagnosed with infertility.
Please give me some good answers to the perpetual so when are you two starting a family? question.
I'm not a sarcastic person but I would like a clear, assertive response! :)
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I think I would just say:
ReplyDeleteWhen God decides it is the best time for us!
or
I don't know I can't seem to find that stork anywhere, have you seen him?
I am always astounded when people openly question things that are none of their business. I'm so sorry you have to deal with such questions.
ReplyDeleteIf you are trying to put a positive spin on it, you could lean in close like you're sharing a secret, then say in a low voice, "It's a surprise!"
I think that is the most painful question in the world for someone with infertility. My husband and I kept our infertility struggles private and did not tell anyone the problems, tests, and procedures we were going through. I became very good at evading the question. "When are you going to get pregnant?" "Not anytime soon. Hey, have you seen that new movie?" or "I am certainly not having a baby in the next 9 months." I became a master at changing the subject. Most people realized what I was doing and did not pursure it further.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I cannot stress enough how valuable it was for us to go to Resolve meetings. www.resolve.org. We met some great people, were able to share our struggles with people who understood, and learned a lot of medical information that was helpful to our situation.
i.feel. your. pain. and i'm sorry you have to deal with that.
ReplyDeletewhy do people ask this - i'll never know.
We eventually responded with, "when we're ready". I too was master at changing the subject.
People are such idiots. I am sorry people ask this. I just got married at age 33 and people would ask me, so, when are you going to settle down and get married? Always wish I had a good smart a__s answer.
ReplyDeleteYou could ask them about their sex life, because that's essentially what they are asking you!!!
ReplyDeleteA lot of times I would say "Honey and I are married. We already are a family."
ReplyDeleteTo more directly address the are you going to have kids... "We're praying that God will send a blessing our way." Most people won't dig any further after that.
I've been there.
ReplyDeleteDepending on my mood, I'd answer with either "When God decides the time is right" and smile and change the subject, or, a little more to the point, "Well, we're having trouble conceiving and we don't know if we can have any children". That usually shut people right up. ;)
I was eventually blessed with two miracle babies, by the way. I'm saying a quick prayer for you!
how about "we've been working at it for x years" (replacing x with a number). That usually will squelch any more questions on the spot.
ReplyDeleteI used the "It's God's timing" line or "When it happens, it happens." We are dealt with it for two years before getting pregnant and we are dealing with it again in the form of "When will Fuller get a brother or sister?" Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you asked this question! I've struggled with finding a good answer for this as well.
ReplyDeleteBlessings!
I'm so sorry. We had a long while where I REALLY wanted kids, but hubs wasn't quite ready. It was hard because people either assumed we were having problems, or they assumed I didn't want children...and then I'd get "talks" about why I SHOULD want children. It was hard.
ReplyDeleteI used to say things like "well... there is nothing cooking yet, but I'll let you know!" because at least then they got the idea that I did in fact desire children. Or I'd make a joke like "oh...I suppose he should stop sleeping on the couch first." You could always just say that you know that God's timing is perfect.
Blessings to you.
We too had issues concieving. I don't have the perfect response for you in regards to the "questions", but I do have some books that have REALLY helped me with stuff.
ReplyDeleteBook 1: "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler
Book 2: "Supernatural Childbirth" by Jackie Mize
Just some suggestions. I will be praying for you. Feel free to email me. Although I do not know how you feel, I have been there and would love to offer support.
I totally understand how you feel about this question, as we struggled with infertility for fourteen years before we were blessed with our son.
ReplyDeleteI heard this question all the time, and frankly ... I got to the point where I felt that if someone was going to ask a question like that, I was gonna lay it out and give them a frank reply... like:
"Well, we'd love to have a child, but we're struggling with infertility, so it's a very touchy subject. We're working with a fertility clinic, so as soon as we're pregnant, I'd be happy to let you know."
Sometimes, it helps to make the asking person feel a wee bit uncomfortable about their question. They will think twice before asking!
Feel free to email me off line ... I'd be happy to offer any advice possible!
I'm so sorry you are going through that! We also have struggled with infertility and are now the proud parents of 2 through the miracle of adoption.
ReplyDeleteI usually said something like:
"We are really enjoying our time together."
"God hasn't chosen to give us children right now." (the problem with this can be that people probe futher which may not be what you want)
"You know, I don't know when we will have children but we would love to some day."
A book that was REALLY helpful for me was "Infertility: Finding God's Peace in the Journey" (by Lois Flowers). You are more than welcome to e-mail me: alainamj@yahoo.com. Each journey is different but it was probably the hardest thing we have ever been through and it was hard for us to talk about with others. Praying for you.
How about sharing via an email or something with those you are in regular contact with / family / friends.
ReplyDeleteI have a younger sister that I sometimes wonder if she is having fertility problems or just CHOOSING not to get pregnant...since she's my sister I feel pretty comfortable asking - but not totally. So it would be helpful if there was a problem to at least share it with close family and friends so you don't get that question.
Others - don't really need an answer...or perhaps just something basic but quick - we're ready for kids whenever it happens.
Leigh,
ReplyDeleteI will say a prayer for y'all. It's never easy to know what to say when someone asks such a personal question. We struggled for both of my pregnancies, and we never quite figured out a perfect answer for that question. One thing that DID help me through that time was keeping in my heart that MY baby was not ready to come yet. I would not have the children I have today if I had been pregnant every time someone asked that question, and I cannot imagine my life without THESE children.
I hope that answer made sense. Seriously, I will keep y'all in my prayers.
Blessings to you.
We struggled with IF for almost three years and it was hard to hear these types of questions. I would just say that we were enjoying our time being married, but that we did want children someday.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with the last post that it's comforting to know the children that are meant for you will come when they're ready. My daughter is amazing, and I never would've had her if I had been pregnant sooner.
Hope this helps!
Hey Leigh, Thanks for stopping by my blog. I don't know if you are familiar with Stepping Stones (it's an IF newsletter put out through Bethany Christian Services) - they may have an online group also but I'm not sure. I wasn't a part of any Christian online group - I mostly read on rubber-ducky.org. Hope that helps!
ReplyDeleteI haven't read the others responses, and boy do I know what it is like to get these questions. The first thing that came to my mind was ...
ReplyDelete"When God ordains it."
Sometimes people can be so callous and dismissive of the idea that God is in control.
Oh who that question sux. Amazes me that people can be so totally removed from reality that they don't think that question is inappropriate! Incidentally, I found a great blog a while ago, who asked this same question, with a twist. You might want to have a look! Copy this link and go see...
ReplyDeletehttp://babeless.blogspot.com/2007/07/sticks-and-stones.html
My parents also struggled with infertility and my dad used to tell people (in answer to this question) that they were still "practicing." I thought it was a funny way to handle the situation... :)
ReplyDeleteI think it is such a rude question and it is rarely asked by someone who is really interested in the topic or cares about you, only nosy, rude people.
ReplyDeleteBut please don't think it is only because you cannot have children (for now :-) at least.) I got that question as soon as I got married, kept getting it for 10 years because we simply were not ready to have children although we did want them at some point. I continued to get a similar question while I was pregnant. Now they wanted to know how many, how soon, what sex did I want, etc. When our son was only a few days old, I was asked when we would try again. The questions kept right on through infancy to toddler. Then these complete strangers or mere acquaintances would want to know WHY we weren't having more. Didn't we love our son? And other totally stupid questions. And they haven't stopped.
I always answer with a smile and tell them whatever I think they want to hear as long as it's not a total lie. It drops the topic real fast. I wish I had the courage to tell them to mind their own business, but I don't want to be the one who's rude.