It's hitting me now

I don't know what's been going on with me this week. Well, maybe I'm ovulating.

As an aside, I'm the most uneducated infertile I know. I never know which day I'm on and when I get my period, it's always a surprise to me. When I had breakfast with my friends after the terrible news, my one friend said something like, "I'm on day 13" or whatever and I remember being amazed. I still am.

Anyway...on Tuesday, driving home from work, I had my car radio on very softly (I don't like noise after work - I like to calm down) and the routine of the drive plus the quietness got me thinking about the baby thing and I just got so depressed.

This is not me. I don't get depressed.

I thought once I got home, I'd snap out of it but noooo. I literally walked in and went to sit on a chair like a zombie (handbag still over my shoulder) just staring into space.

That's how my hubby found me when he got home about 15 minutes later.

I can see he's worried about me. As I said, this is not me.

And the thing is I don't know why I feel so hopeless. After all, we have a plan.

I think I'm getting ahead of myself to a "what if it doesn't work again?". Someone from the infertility support group had a negative on her 3rd IVF. She said to me that she was SO sure this one would work.

So today, same thing happens. Driving home, soft music and it just got all too much so I started crying. The driver behind me in a big 4 X 4 (you guys call it an SUV) saw me weeping. You had to see her face! She actually widened her following distance (wise move, actually, I would have done the same) in case I lost it and couldn't control the car.

I find I don't care about the crying. The other day I'd had an awful day and I literally got into my car, started driving out of the basement and burst into tears. Of course the work thing led to the baby thing.... And I cried and cried all the way home. I'm aware that other drivers can see me but I couldn't care less what they think of me.

I hope this stops soon. It's weird getting used to this new emotional person.

So this is my cheap therapy - blogging - and actually I feel better getting it out here.

*tomorrow I have feedback about the salary issue I raised. Pray for me. I need them to fix my salary so I can afford to pay for this next IVF cycle more easily. Somehow I know nothing good will happen but where would I be without hope?