IVF no. 2 - it starts again

I'm behind with blogging but I'll date these posts correctly so they post in the right order.

So the period started on Tuesday night, Wed was day 1 and I went in for the scan on Thursday morning.

Everything normal although I nearly started crying. The nurse said to me, "you look a bit apprehensive" and I said, "yes, the glow from the first cycle is gone". Oh dear.

Went for blood tests - I assume everything was okay since I didn't get any phone calls telling me otherwise.

My pharmacy could only get my medication delivered by Friday so I had to buy my first 5 amps from the clinic. It kills me. Let me show you - a whole box of 10 at the pharmacy costs R1600 and 5 amps at the clinic cost R1200.

I'm on 5 amps of Menopur daily for 5 days - have to go for a scan on day 6 which is when I'll start the Cetrotide.

We totally forgot to take ANY pictures our first time around so this time I had the camera handy. The blurriness is because I'm petrified and shaking. You'd think those 21 days of injections got me used to it - ummm, no!

Ouch!

On the bright side, imagine how much MORE sore it would be if I didn't have the fat roll :)

I'm clearly going mad

I've never had a cycle longer than 26 days for the last 3 years or so. I say "or so" because that's when I started noticing all these things.

Anywayyyyy, so as it approached day 26 with still no sign of sore breasts or chocolate cravings, I started getting hopeful.

What if? What if,by some weird reason, I actually got pregnant naturally?

Stranger things have happened!

There's actually someone in our infertility support group who fell pregnant after an IVF on her own. I am incredulous!

So day 26 comes and goes, 27 comes and goes and I think - this must be it. But no, day 28 comes and goes.

Well, last night on day 32 (!) there was some pink on the toilet paper, and the craziness begins again.

Today it's there in full force (literally) so I suppose I need to get my medication sorted out today.

A total waste of time

The last 15 months have been a complete and utter waste of time. I've just had my salary discussion and basically, I'll only get a normal increase this year.

Nothing's changed. I'm on the same percentile in my salary band as I was 15 months ago because I still need to "grow into the role" after 3 years, which is rubbish.

But basically, for the first time, they are being honest. Or maybe it's me who's finally reading the writing on the wall.

I'm clearly not valued here even though I love the team and work environment so in addition to the other stuff happening in my life, I will have to look for another job.

I can't wait for this increase if only because it gives me a better bargaining position from which to look for a new job.

I am crying (no surprise there!) and miserable, but so, so angry!

It's hitting me now

I don't know what's been going on with me this week. Well, maybe I'm ovulating.

As an aside, I'm the most uneducated infertile I know. I never know which day I'm on and when I get my period, it's always a surprise to me. When I had breakfast with my friends after the terrible news, my one friend said something like, "I'm on day 13" or whatever and I remember being amazed. I still am.

Anyway...on Tuesday, driving home from work, I had my car radio on very softly (I don't like noise after work - I like to calm down) and the routine of the drive plus the quietness got me thinking about the baby thing and I just got so depressed.

This is not me. I don't get depressed.

I thought once I got home, I'd snap out of it but noooo. I literally walked in and went to sit on a chair like a zombie (handbag still over my shoulder) just staring into space.

That's how my hubby found me when he got home about 15 minutes later.

I can see he's worried about me. As I said, this is not me.

And the thing is I don't know why I feel so hopeless. After all, we have a plan.

I think I'm getting ahead of myself to a "what if it doesn't work again?". Someone from the infertility support group had a negative on her 3rd IVF. She said to me that she was SO sure this one would work.

So today, same thing happens. Driving home, soft music and it just got all too much so I started crying. The driver behind me in a big 4 X 4 (you guys call it an SUV) saw me weeping. You had to see her face! She actually widened her following distance (wise move, actually, I would have done the same) in case I lost it and couldn't control the car.

I find I don't care about the crying. The other day I'd had an awful day and I literally got into my car, started driving out of the basement and burst into tears. Of course the work thing led to the baby thing.... And I cried and cried all the way home. I'm aware that other drivers can see me but I couldn't care less what they think of me.

I hope this stops soon. It's weird getting used to this new emotional person.

So this is my cheap therapy - blogging - and actually I feel better getting it out here.

*tomorrow I have feedback about the salary issue I raised. Pray for me. I need them to fix my salary so I can afford to pay for this next IVF cycle more easily. Somehow I know nothing good will happen but where would I be without hope?

Embryo transfer

This pic was taken while I was drinking glass after glass of water, before my one little embryo was transferred.

Of course we thought this is it - the last time we have to come to this place.

I don't take no for an answer

Look what I found on my camera!

From top
1 - 9 days post transfer
2 - 10 days post transfer
3 - 12 days post transfer
4 - 14 days post transfer (day before first blood test)

To Christi

Christi, I've been thinking about you so much.

How are you doing? How's your cycle?

I don't think my emails are getting through to you...

I'm at leigh1010 AT gmail DOT com :)

We have a plan!

I'm realising so much about myself through this whole crazy exercise:

* that I'm a lot stronger and more resilient than I thought
* that I'm okay as long as I have a plan and therefore, something to look forward to
* that I can focus in and block out non-essentials
* that I can find money if I look hard enought and get creative enough

We had our follow-up appointment with Dr G today and got all our questions answered.

Basically, nothing "went wrong". In fact, he cited a couple of positives:

1. we know that my eggs work
2. we know that DH's sperm works
3. we know that I can get pregnant

I was curious to know why, if we did ICSI, only 1 out of 6 fertilised normally. Dr G said it may be that my eggs don't like the needles. My husband says "yes, I think so because she HATES needles so I'm sure her eggs would hate needles too" LOL

We are going to start again next period (end Nov) and change the medication slightly (shorter protocol - less needles - YAYYYY) - the aim is more eggs so we can leave some to try and fertilise naturally (what is natural, anymore?!) and still do some with ICSI.

I'm an (almost) happy girl because I have a plan! And I'm celebrating by going back to dance class after about 6 weeks of absolutely no exercise (which is very clear by the size of my butt).

How are all of you doing?