I heard something explained so beautifully on a podcast recently.
Interestingly, I could remember exactly where I was when I heard (top of Oxford Road where it changes into Rivonia) this but not which podcast it was on.
So I googled and I think it was this one - Jess Lively talking to Dana Schultz from Minimalist Baker.
Anyway, this is what they said: there's a difference between connecting with someone and being able to be vulnerable with them. YES!
You may have things in common with someone which provides the connection and spark (chemistry, if you will) and yet you might not feel like you can be vulnerable with them. Trust needs to exist in order for you to be able to be vulnerable.
Isn't that excellent?
I had myself an aha moment right there in my car.
This is why you can many great conversations with people about things you have in common, but not feel able to share because of the trust thing.
There is a person I work with who shares a number of work characteristics with me :)
But over the last year or so, I've seen more and more sides to this person that made me realise I cannot trust them even a little bit.
Well, not with any of my feelings.
I've stopped sharing everything. Not even a tidbit about the kids or house stuff anymore. I can see they've noticed. In fact, this person has asked me if they can ask me a personal question and I suspect it's about this withdrawing.
And then there are other people who you know you can trust immediately, right?
It's fascinating to me. I don't even know how conscious it is that I know the difference (not always! e.g. old job!!!) but I usually do.
For me, the lack of trust is not only about blabbing to others although that is a big part; it's sometimes that I don't feel my feelings will be held safely and not dismissed as unimportant.
I do feel blessed that there are those friends (Julia is one!) that are always such a safe place I could say anything to them and they won't think I'm absolutely crazy :)
Can you think of people you connect with, but don't feel able to be vulnerable with?
Do you have enough "safe place" people in your life?
Right now I feel that I have gained two safe places people in the recent past. Up until then I had a huge lack in that department. I do not easy feel safe enough
ReplyDeleteThat is great! Two safe places is a really good (God) thing.
DeleteAs an introvert, it takes FOREVER ( like YEARS)for me to truly allow people into my intimate circle where vulnerability is allowed. I do have a few safe spaces - built up over a period of years. How lucky am I? My safest place is undoubtedly my husband.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE what you said about me. THANK YOU!!! Makes me smile BIG!
And that's as it should be :)
DeleteThank you! :)
For me it's always been, you give a little...you get a little. I have a tell me your life story type of face, so when someone tells me nothing it rings more alarm bells than not. I have 2 people at work who I feel pretty comfortable with. One walks with his heart on his sleeve, the other one barks at everyone and generally comes off as a battle axe. Both have very sad back stories that they've shared with me...and they are actually the exact opposite of what they portray themselves to be.
ReplyDeleteI have two. I share a lot with random people though. If people are willing to listen I am willing to talk.
ReplyDeleteI share but very selectively which is weird because I talk a little bit too much but I like to analyze things in my head and then by the time I'm done doing that I realise maybe it wasn't such a big deal
ReplyDeleteAnd then I end up not sharing
I have been hurt too many times in the past so I am VERY careful who I share with. I find that people tend to share with me, but I hold back from sharing back because I think what I say will be used against me in the long run. That said I have got 3 people that I feel comfortable sharing with.
ReplyDeletexxx