A tag about honesty

Dee tagged me for this meme days ago.

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Okay, here goes.

1. I still feel like an infertile even though I'm pregnant. It still hurts me when I hear of people "just falling pregnant". Sad but true.
2. Sometimes I catch myself thinking like a "normal" pregnant person and I have to stop and tell myself to just slow down.
3. Last night I had a headache (they've been happening more than usual - apparently it is normal) so I didn't feel like reading and I just lay in bed, thinking. I started thinking about how DEVASTATED I was after the chemical pregnancy in October and how I thought my life had ended, and I just started thinking about how extremely GRATEFUL and thankful I am to God to be pregnant and I started crying. Thankfully I then fell asleep so I don't know how long that went on.
4. I'm normally very objective and level-headed but since this pregnancy, I've gotten soppy. Last night we watched The Lot and this one director, Will, made this really sweet movie about lamps falling in love. Very sweet - normally I would SO not be into that but I was SOOO taken with this movie. My hubby immediately said, "I'm loving this softer side of you" Eeeek!
5. I am feeling a tad overwhelmed at the thought of creating space in the house for these two, with all their stuff. I'm a very minimalist kind of gal - I don't like lots of stuff lying around.
6. I'm excited about not being as tired anymore. This is huge for me because I'm normally super-productive so when you can't even clean your kitchen counters, that's bad!
7. I am not at all concerned about the money thing once they're here. Strange for me being so security conscious, but I don't care about a thing - all I care about is getting these babies grown inside of me, and out safely.
8. Hmm, what else don't you already know? Since Dee mentioned cars, I am the weirdest Jhb person ever in that I totally don't care about what car I drive. As long as it is clean and takes me from A to B, I'm happy. Here, a car is a status symbol so I am very weird in this respect.
9. I'm an ESTJ on the Myers-Briggs and not even slightly moderate on my scores - SERIOUSLY extreme on each point!
10. Something fun to end off. Last night my hubby said good night and I said "cheers" - I don't say cheers so that was weird. But then I added "cheers from John Robbie, It's 9 o'clock" because that's what I hear every morning when I'm nearly at work from my favourite talk show. He ends his show like that and then it's the news :) LOL

I'm tagging Clio, Leah, Nity, Sarah, Faith, Mo and Trina.

Current eating patterns & 12-week belly pics

For about a week now I haven't felt ravenous ALL the time.

Before, I was eating literally, from breakfast right up until supper.

Like this...

9:00 - breakfast (muesli and yoghurt)
11:00 - fruit
12:00 - fruit
13:00 - lunch (sandwich)
15:00 - fruit
16:00 - fruit/ cereal bar
17:30 - savoury biscuits (cookie)
19:00 - supper

(there's slightly longer gaps after breakfast and lunch)

And this is how I looked last week!






And now this is kind of how I'm eating - as an example, this is what I ate on the weekend

10.10 breakfast & water
10.30 3 prunes!
11.40 apple and a glass of orange juice
12.50 6 salticrax with pilchard/ onion and tomato
3.00 wholewheat roll with egg and tomato, pear
6.00 2 pancakes with jam and lemon
8.30 4 crackerbread with cheese
10.30 tea and a rusk because I was starving again

Seems I'm wanting more solid things for food but still not very much at any one time.

What are your eating patterns like? (pregnant or not)

Facebook

Thank you for being honest because it encourages me. When I see facebook updates and everyone is just all peachy all the time, I think there's something wrong with ME. Intellectually I know it can't all be roses but still...

Now back to you, I think it's a combination of everything. Also at 3 months they start being awake more and need more attention so that may be it. I just about did my nut when Connor started being so demanding until I remembered Caroline telling me about the 3-month thing. Apparently they don't calm down after that so I think it's going to be a challenge for me being such an old, unfit mother :)

I'm going to give you a big hug tonight! We both need it!

http://canigetsomesugarwiththeselemons.blogspot.com/2009/12/am-i-only-one-who-hates-christmas.html

The long-awaited 12-week scan

I honestly don't know how I survived 3 weeks and a day without a scan!

In the beginning I thought I'd go mad and I was seriously comtemplating begging the clinic to let me back for a last scan. Only the thought of those receptionists laughing at me kept me sane and restrained.

So we made our way there - I was 5 minutes later because when I got to the address printed from the internet, it didn't look like there was a 3rd floor and I was right - the actual place was around the corner.

A weird thing then happened. I was in the lift with a man and we both got out at the same floor. I stepped out, looked around and he asked me where I was going. When I said, "to Dr C", he says, "oh, that's me. It's this way".

He'd just been next door to the hospital to deliver a baby so was running about 30 minutes late anyway. Good thing too because my husband arrived 5 minutes after I did.

Anyway, enough preamble.

Eventually, I was called in (after flirting with a cute 18-month-old little girl in the reception area) and we went through my background.

I cringe now but when he asked me if I had any other children, I said, "no, these are the first two, that's if they're both still alive". You could see his face change because he's not used to me yet and must have been thinking, Crazy Woman!

And this was the relaxed me! Because I've been thinking that I actually can't keep stressing every day - I need to start enjoying this pregnancy since it's probably going to be my only one.

(they just phoned me to say people arrived for my meeting VERY early so I'll have to keep this short)

We did the scan - my first non-vaginal one - yayyy! I felt so normal!

He measured everything under the sun - organs, legs, nuchal fold (1,5 and 1,6mm), crown to rump length (63 and 66mm) and weight (55 and 57g).

Everything is perfect.

I also had blood taken to check for Downs Syndrome (!) because I'll be 35 when they're born.

I told him we're not terminating or doing anything even if something comes up and I'm definitely not having amnio or CVS, etc, etc. No way!

Here are the pics: the one baby was very good so the dr could get all his measurements but the other one was jumping around, showing off. Both my husband and I pointed to the other and said, "just like you" :)





I also got a chance to ask him my 9 questions which was great. And now I'm looking into starting some exercise classes called Preggi Bellies because I haven't exercised since starting the IVF cycle and that's not me. I'm hoping to go to a trial class on Thursday evening.

I just feel better when I exercise. Also, it does help that I actually have slightly more energy these days!

Okay, got to go!

12-week scan

Just quickly posting to say everything's fine with the babies.

They look further along on the scan than what I am (12w4d and 12w5d) but everything's totally fine.

More in a couple of days - lots of work to do :)

Speaking negatively

I don't know if this is weird - you be the judge.

When I've told people I'm pregnant, they say things like, "oh, when is your baby due?"

At this point I can't just say, "oh, 2 September" because of that word baby.

So I correct them.

"Actually, they're twins" - then there's usually squealing and jubilation

I tried to explain to my hubby that I feel like I'm betraying the one baby if I just answer the question and gloss over the baby reference, and what if something goes wrong with one of them if I just pretend that there's only one?

Weird! But I have always had a big mouth and if something is not right, I have to speak out.

So that's how so many people know there are twins.

Would you correct people, or would you just let it go?

P.S. Speaking of twins, I'm amazed at how little there is out there in the way of twin resources - there's only one really good twin website but boy, those preggie belly pics are scaring me.

P.P.S. Only 2 hours before I see the doctor for the 12-week scan - I can't wait!

There's an upside

to having these weird belly changes.

I realised on the weekend that I don't feel so panicked anymore.

Yes, it feels like my body's been invaded by aliens (this little grapefruit sized ball is right there all the time now so it's starting to feel more like pregnant instead of just fat) but this is so much better than the "is everything okay down there?" questions I was asking myself a million times a day.

I can't WAIT to see the OBGYN on Wed to get this 12-week scan over and done with so we can TELL people. (Leah, won't it be great to have this milestone behind us?)

I'm not even waiting until I get back to the office - we're going to phone the parents right there and then in the car park!

Remember I've been totally silent about the pregnancy in real life (except for the infertility group) and as a result, am wearing "normal" clothes, trying to wear lots of black to look slimmer :)

It's not really working. See these black cargo pants? Notice the undone button in the second pic. That is sooo me, with my water bottle permanently affixed to my side.


However, I still catch myself remembering and I can't believe this is me - pregnant after soooo long! God is good.

11 weeks

Please forgive the very fuzzy pics - somehow my camera's shutter speed isn't working too nicely and I can't figure out how to set it properly.

Of course I could read the manual. Hello? Me? Read a manual? You must be joking!

Anyway, here's what I looked like last Wed morning. Yes, those are pajamas.

and this is what I look like at night. Scary! That belly seems to grow in gigantic proportions from morning to evening. Is this normal?

those lines on my tummy are from my one pair of stretch pants that still kind-of fit. I didn't realise how bad that looks!

Shortness of breath

I've noticed that I'm getting out of breath after climbing just one flight of stairs.

Of course, I thought this was normal since I haven't exercised since the start of my IVF cycle (end Nov 2008).

Then last night happened.

I do talks to groups and I was asked to speak to a group of professional organisers in Jhb on time management.

Well, I started my talk and after 5 minutes, I was sooo out of breath. It felt so weird.

I even said to them, "I don't know why I'm so out of breath" - and then I remembered my 11-week baby update/ pregnancy email that said it was normal.

It was so freaky because I'd done a talk just two weeks prior to this and I was FINE! Then again, I was not talking flat out for the hour. I co-presented the topic and my guest did most of the talking.

I really didn't know how to handle it but it got a bit better eventually although I was still uncomfortable throughout.

Then earlier today I went to a meeting where I had to present the concept for a new product and I could feel after 5 minutes continuous talking that I was out of breath.

Good thing she was writing and taking notes so I could stop and give her a chance to catch up and me a chance to breathe.

My word!

Of course now I'm scared to schedule more talks. And this is a really good way for me to market my business because I find it really easy to talk to groups.

9 week scan on 27 Jan - I know, very late!

I realised when I was looking through my IVF folder in My Pictures that I'd never blogged these.

These were taken just before I was released to go to a normal obgyn.

my favourite scan type, where I can see both sacs each holding a baby

Twin A - measuring 25mm with a heartbeat of 179 bpm

and Twin B - measuring 29 mm, also with a heartbeat of 179 bpm

(doesn't this baby pic look like it's swaddled in a blanket with just the head peeking out?)

In other news, there are NO twin pregnancy books in all my local bookstores. My dear friend C who will have her twin girls on or before 23 Feb loaned me a book she'd received from friends when they heard she was having twins.

I devoured about half of it already - on the one hand, it's reassuring to know that the extreme fatigue and so on is totally normal but on the other hand, I dread to think how huge I'm going to get. I'm short (1.58m) so this is going to be interesting :)

10 weeks - belly pictures

I realised that I'm a bit vain so I'll be taking morning photos of the belly. It's amazing how much worse this looks in the evening - it's like the pregnancy progresses by MONTHS between morning and night.

I'm really going to try and be good and take pics every week - hopefully I'll remember to catch D before he leaves for work.

10 weeks 1 day

A taste of normality

So we had supper with the pastor I mentioned a few days ago and we'd barely sat down when he said, "so, do you have any news?"

We'd told him that the first IVF failed and he said at the time to not give up which we weren't prepared to do anyway but it was a difference from the "oh maybe it's not meant to be" people. Grrr!

I told him that I'm 10 weeks pregnant, joy and jubilation all around, and even more so when I said that they're twins!

And you know what? I actually felt normal.

He's going to the US in a few weeks' time and wants to get some baby clothes (BABY clothes!) for us because apparently, you guys in the US have better stuff than we do in South Africa!

Anyway, it was a lovely supper (I had grilled trout if you're interested) during which I felt like a normal, happy pregnant woman for the first time.

Hopefully, the more people we tell, the more normal I'll feel!

In or out of the IVF closet

Today I am exactly 10 weeks pregnant and I'm still in the IVF closet.

There are very few people who know that (a) we were trying, (b) we went for IVF and (c) that we're pregnant.

Of course my whole infertility group knows and I had to say to one of them, "please don't write anything on my facebook wall" because of all the real-life friends.

We're waiting for the 12-week scan to be normal and then we'll tell everyone else.

That's on 18 Feb so we've already planned to phone our parents and D's sister. My sister knows the bare bones of the story because she "struggled" for 18 months but then they did fall pregnant naturally. D's sister asked after my last op, "are you guys trying to have a baby?" so he had to say yes.

Other than that, our entire family knows nothing.

At work only two people know that I'm pregnant. My boss and a colleague who sits behind me - his wife has had two miscarriages so we talk about babies. And he knows everything.

The clinic faxed the referral report to me (without phoning me first - I was FURIOUS!) today and someone forwarded the fax to me from our central inbox. My heart stood still when I saw what the fax was about.

She probably has read it - the only good thing is that it was 8 pages long and the pregnancy was only the last 2 pages, so if she got bored, she may not have looked that far.... I can hope, can't I?

This is the ungrateful pregnant person I moaned about two years ago. Of course since those days I've not said a single thing to her about anything.

There's one other lady at work I spoke to after my first IVF failure and she was one of those trying to be compassionate "maybe it wasn't meant to be" people which drives me BATTY!

The reason we're in the IVF closet is two-fold actually:

1) we generally are very private people - D more so than me
2) I hate stupid questions and want to SLAP people when they say idiotic things. I also do my bit to educate the well-intentioned but ignorant fertile people but it gets a bit much some times. You know all the "the reason you two can travel so much is because you don't have children" remarks. GRRR
3) somehow this IVF thing seems to be "frowned on" in our type of church because it's like you're "not standing in faith" or some such thing.

After some comments like that by friends of ours, I got tough (well, I am tough, but I got really hard and cold) and I've told friends of mine straight up, "I don't want to talk about anything like this with you because we clearly disagree". D says he's surprised she still talks to me :)

A pastor we're really, really close to knows everything too - in fact we're having supper together tomorrow and we'll tell him then.

Funny thing is a lot of our non-Christian friends know about the IVF and are so accepting of everything and, as a result, we've told them quite a bit more. We were on the phone with friends in London and D told him our news. He was so excited and has nicknamed the twins, Andrew and Jennifer (very English but SOOOO not my type of name). Still it's better than calling them my kidney beans!

I seem to find it easier to tell people I don't know that well, e.g. I chatted to two coaches recently and told them both very easily. I signed up for a teleseminar series and wanted to check something before paying (that I'd be able to send in questions even if not on the calls live) and I said it in the email NO problem. A lot of my online friends know about everything IVF, even the pregnancy.

Why is it that I share so easily with the entire online world but I don't with real life people? Clearly I have intimacy problems.

So, all the rambling aside, I would DEARLY love to know about you.

Are you in or out of the IVF closet? If you're out, when did you tell people and what were their reactions?

P.S. And if you're pregnant, when did you start telling people?