Cameraderie amongst mothers

About two weeks ago I returned from a meeting to a voicemail message:

A new twin mom from work wanted to know who my night nanny had been and if I'd recommend her.

(I'd recommend both of them but they are both in full-time day work now, the latter working for my friend, Eve, the single mom with twin boys)

I phoned her back (quickly I thought) and told her this but also gave her my agency's details.

We chit-chatted around this night nanny business for a bit (like, did I actually sleep or get up and help her? of COURSE I slept, I was paying for it and was hellishly sleep deprived) and then I did what I usually do:

"How are you really doing?"

She first said something about how you ALWAYS need two hands - true - and how there seems to be always one screaming - again, true.

And then I rested in the pause and she said, "did you cry every day?"

I was honest and said, "no" but then I added, "but I did feel that frustration and overwhelm and "what the hell was I thinking going through IVF for this"?

And she burst out crying.

I nearly did the same.

She sobbed and said that she cries daily. Sometimes many times a day.

How they were happy with their one child and how she's messed up their lives by wanting a sibling for her and going through this.

"And Marcia, this is why I was so scared to put back two embryos".

(true - she came to me before IVF3 and told me how she was so scared of transferring two embryos. I didn't have any advice because we only had two and I had the twin romance thing going on.)

When she stopped crying so much, I listened to her go on and on, and then we spoke nicely and I told her that there was no shame in going to see the doctor for some AD help, and that the main focus for the first couple of months is simply to survive.

Two people gave me this advice - se7en and a work colleague.

"Don't worry about falling in love with the babies, coping and loving the twin thing; just get through it for now", I said.

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Today we had lunch with a friend from work (seriously, the nicest girl in the world and I have lots of nice friends) who I don't see anymore as we outsourced the admin in that area of the business and she's moved to the new administrator. Boo!

Our babies are a year apart, exactly. In fact, her D was due by Caesar on my babies' birthday but he came 2 days early because he didn't want to share :)

Anyway, she has another friend with twins and they were also there.

Well, this mother is very much like me.

No BS and tells it like it is.

Her girls were born at 33 weeks and stayed in the NICU for 7 weeks.

She says after the first night of the babies being home, she said to her husband, "that's it, I can't do this. I'm done".

Our friend laughed but the two of us said, "we are sooooo not joking" :)

She's a SAHM and has 10.5 month-old girls. Very, very cute girls.

She's a self-proclaimed control freak - and yes, we saw this in action many times. I do love being around control freaks who are worse than I am because I appear positively laid back :)

Even D said, gosh, next to her, you are SOOOOOOOOOOO relaxed.

She said to me that she LOVED being around another twin mom because 1) at least she doesn't feel alone with the crazy chaos and 2) I gave her some inspiration (like my friend Carmen did for me many, many months ago).

And both her and my friend said they can't WAIT for their babies to be walking and talking, so for a change I had the most advanced babies :)

So there we go - I feel so privileged to be able to give other mothers (esp twin moms) just a teensy bit of comfort that they are not alone in the madness.

We do this in the blog world all the time (MandyE, I spoke about you today and how you inspired me with the reading thing) but it's different when you actually see and hear people interact with their kids.

This week I need to get moving again with my exercise - I only exercised twice last week - a dance class at the gym and once at home - and eat properly (more tomorrow on weigh-less).

I also need to stop procrastinating and put together a work presentation for the 18th - it's being critiqued by peers which is always the worst, don't you find?

How was your weekend? And what do you need to get sorted out this week?

PS. I just had a thought - I put on my Mondo list that I'd like similar people to come into my life. Could this be it? But isn't there some kind of friendship code about "poaching" friends? Have you ever met a friend through a friend? How did that work for you?

PPS this is my favourite pic of the day

Confession time - I'm not a newborn person

The Graco DuoRider - this is their maiden journey
(oh, that's my MIL)

It was freezing here in Jhb on Sunday

Kendra - look at the cute mouth

and Connor - I love his expressions with those eyes and Nat, yes, the dummy!

So I mentioned in the last post how I'm not loving the newborn stage. You might have got a hint from this post :)

The babies are 13 weeks old now (exactly 3 months today) and now I can finally say I'm enjoying them.

Still not in that "oh I can't believe how wonderful my life is; my baby has totally fulfilled me" way. But I find I look forward to seeing them wake up, especially when they sleep a bit longer than usual. And they're starting to develop some personality. I'm all about the personality!

If anyone else is in the same boat, I'd say I first started enjoying this motherhood lark at around 10 weeks or so....

I used to say to D, "oh I wish I could go to work and leave you here with the babies" or when he said he'd missed them, I'd tell him "you are absolutely crazy!" and he still says I will see when I go back to work.

But there's a difference between loving the babies and loving the experience.

Before we knew we'd have to go through all this drama to have a baby (or two), I used to say to D that it would be lovely if babies could just arrive at two years.

They're so lovely at that age - personalities, independence, cuteness :)

My babies have a baby friend who was born a day earlier and also spent 27 days in NICU like Kendra did. The mother and I have been keeping in touch, very sporadically, but she left me a voicemail message a week ago and I managed to return her call on Sunday.

Well, that phone call was so healing.

She wanted to know if I'm loving this, if I'm depressed, do I also pray for them to just sleep? Etc, etc.

We had a lovely chat - no, I'm not depressed and am not on any AD's, but no, I don't love this and yes, I literally do pray for them to sleep.

She was so relieved to know that she's not weird for not loving this motherhood thing and wanting to go back to work.

I'm always glad to encourage others, because mothers of singletons always say to me, "at least I don't have two!" with GLEE in their voices. And then I think of triplet moms and think, "at least I don't have three!" :)

How could people love the sleep deprivation when you literally forget how to talk and string a sentence together?!

(I've even been extending my coaching sessions with my clients because I realise I'm not as articulate as I should be).

But why don't people talk about this?

I've now accepted the fact that I'm just not a newborn person and am okay with that.

Are you?

The reality of twins - part 2 - medical expenses

Getting ready for my egg retrieval on IVF cycle 2 - got 5 eggs - pic taken at 7:01am (we had to be there at 7am) on 8 Dec 2008.

First of all, thank you all SO VERY MUCH for the great comments on my previous post.

They have helped me tremendously and I've been referring all my friends to the post, just to read the comments :)

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I've been threatening to do a post on money for some time so here goes. Maybe this will help me come out of denial because I've been procrastinating doing the budget (not normally me) because I'm so scared of seeing the numbers.

Right, so with twins there's always the added bonus of them arriving early. I didn't know this beforehand but prem babies have a whole other set of expenses.

Before I detail them, let me explain something. In South Africa you're either on a medical aid (medical insurance) or not.

If not, you go to a government hospital. Shocking facilities - you seriously don't want to ever be in the position of having to go to one of these. (Aside - I remember when we joined our medical aid years ago, they took forever to send us the stickers for the car saying in the event of an accident, we are members of such and such.... I almost screamed at the call centre agent saying "if I'm involved in an accident, I do not want them throwing me into the Joburg Gen" - it's that horrific) .

So I think this is correct (as my work involves a project to do with health care) but only about 4 - 5 million of the 43 million South Africans actually have medical insurance. Something like that. Which entitles you to go to a private hospital.

procedure room at hospital where I had horrible internal examinations
to check dilation and so forth *shudder*

We are on a plan that offers unlimited hospital cover but very minimal day to day cover.

Of course most medical aids in South Africa don't cover any fertility treatment so the R100 000 we spent last year was also out of pocket. I think there are two tiny medical schemes that pay something toward fertility treatments. Maybe someone who knows more will comment???

The way it works on my medical aid is a portion of your monthly premium (but not more than 25%) goes into a savings account which pays for the day to day expenses of doctors, pharmacy, etc. The rest of the premium goes toward risk (hospitalisation).

I'm in insurance (life and short-term) and I'm amazed at how people don't think about these things properly.

For example, if we had to go onto a better day to day plan, we'd pay over R2000 extra every month (it was R1800 just for D & M, pre-babies this year). Your savings portion doesn't increase by R2000 obviously, only about R400 - R500. So my thinking is why don't you just save that extra R1800 and take your chances?! See I know how these things are rated and I'm the type of person who likes the lowest monthly expenses but doesn't mind an occasional big expense.

You can see that there's really no point in us moving toward a better plan - it would pay for one paed appt and then we'd still have to pay the rest.

And thank the Lord for medical aids because my bill for the Caesar and 3 days was R23 000, Connor's bill for 16 days was R77 000 and Kendra's was R93 000. And that's besides the blood tests and specialist doctors - billed separately but all paid.

Because the babies were prem, they have to make sure that everything that should have developed until term (nerves, blood vessels and what not - I really don't listen very well these days - I'm too sleep deprived) has developed properly and was not damaged in some way.

Now these are God's kids so I know they're fine but you still have to go through the motions to get the official say-so. Oy!

Eye doctor
Fortunately Kendra was in NICU when he first saw her (covered by medical aid - everything in hospital is covered on our plan) but Connor had to go once discharged. R398 for all of 5 minutes.

They then had a follow-up appt at their actual due date (R398 X 2 = R796) and need to go again 4 weeks from then (another R398 X 2 = R796).

He said to me that "hopefully that will be the last".

Hopefully indeed!

Ear doctor
My hospital offers an initial screening at birth (R250 per baby) but mine were in NICU so we missed out. We were about to get Connor's done when we were out and my clever husband happened to ask if any additional tests were needed. Yes, because they're prem. Grrr.

So we decided to forgo the initial screening and get the whole bang shoot done together to save paying two sets of consultation fees.

I eventually took the babies on Tuesday. R900 X 2 = R1800

Normal paediatrician visits
They both went two weeks after discharge, and then four weeks after that.

R450 X 2 X 2 = R1800

Remember most of these specialists charge WAY above the rate legislated by the medical schemes act.

E.g. our paed's consultation fee is R450 - the medical aid rate is R350 so you're out of pocket R100.

Of course we pay for ALL these things out of pocket because our medical savings account ran out in Feb already.

Vaccinations
At our hospital babies get the first vaccination for free as part of the mother's hospital booking fee.

I've just checked their cards and babies should get 6 in their first year.

So I phoned to make an appointment and I was horrified.

The cheapest vaccinations I could find was R1275 per baby. I made the appointment at the cheapest place and we (nanny and I) took the babies yesterday.

(Interesting - apparently 60% of kids in South Africa die from some form of pneumococcal virus, whatever that means, but it was scary enough for me to say "go ahead, jab them!")

It actually came to R2600 because they also charge a fee to administer the injection.

Next shots are in 4 weeks time - R970 each - and ones after that are in another 4 weeks time, again R1275 each.

So over the space of two months I'll have spent R7 140 just on vaccinations!

Add the other medical appts and by the beginning of November (4 months after their birth) the grand total of medical appointmens is a whopping R13 630.

That's besides

any medication I get at the pharmacies...

formula...

nappies....

nanny....

night nanny.....

My word, that's scary. But thank goodness, I am firmly out of denial now :) Although the only things budgeted for were formula, nappies and nanny.

I read on a blog this week that someone in the US had to pay $6 000 in hospital costs for a Caesar because her insurance only covered a bit. Now $6 000 is R45 000 which is nearly double what the hospital charged for me to have the babies. I paid an extra R7 500 for the doctor but still frightening!

So tell me, what is the situation with medical aids in your part of the world? Are you covered for your fertility treatments (if you underwent anything), hospital for births, NICU costs, etc.

Twins: romance vs reality

I have always wanted twins - I don't know quite where I got this notion from but I do remember always saying I wanted twins.

I even have twins on my vision board!

Then when Dr J told me we were having twins at my 7-week ultrasound, I was beyond excited. I literally couldn't stop smiling.

I suppose it's like those scenes in the movies where the two star-crossed lovers run toward each other across a field of flowers.

Slow motion, soft focus, lovely romantic music...

I had this romantic view of twins - having a lovely belly, giving birth according to plan, being discharged from the hospital WITH my two babies and then looking after them at home.

And of course, dressing them in cute clothes, taking lots of pics, etc.

I knew it would be a lot of work - it's obvious, everything is doubled - but I'm not that lazy (!) so I thought things would be okay.

Well, I had the lovely pregnancy even though the birth didn't go according to plan. And of course, the twins were in NICU which doesn't help matters much.

But bringing them home very quickly jerked that romantic view right out of my head.

When Connor came home the three of us had a lovely 11 days of feeling what it was like with just one baby.

We had some one-on-one bonding time with him despite being sleep deprived and me mourning the sudden end of my pregnancy.

"What are you doing with that camera?"
Well, Connor, since we're up anyway, might as well have some fun!

I really thought this whole thing was doable (despite it being hectic visiting the NICU all the time and the horrible pumping) and couldn't wait for Kendra to come home to complete our family unit.

People, I was crazy! Because I had not a clue of what was to come.

Kendra then came home and I'm like OH MY WORD.

Why on earth did no-one tell me it was THIS bad?

Seriously.

Why does no-one tell you?

Is it that they think they'll rain on your parade or don't want to be a downer?

I'm the type of person that really doesn't like to hear lots of bad things but I would much rather have the truth so I can deal with it than be strung along.

Even with the IVF thing, that's why I loved my Dr G so much - he's not much for the BS - tells it to you straight so you can deal with it.

Anyway, so I started thinking maybe everyone else is just more together than I am, or maybe I really am a freak who will never be a good mother.

I remember being so sleep-deprived I did things like putting dishes meant for the cupboard in the fridge, dropping and breaking medicine bottles, sleeping in my clothes because I was too tired to change into pajamas, not showering until 3pm in the afternoon, leaving crumbs on the counter (big no-no for me!), and the list goes on and on.

D holding Kendra - she would not settle so he had to eat one-handed while holding her

Until I sent a text to my friend Natalie one day saying something like "I'm exhausted, finished, blah blah. Can't do this. Babies driving me crazy, etc."

She'd also had a bad day so we commiserated with one another and that made me feel non-freakish about not loving this newborn stage.

Why do we all pretend that things are fine when they're not?! Or is it only me?

And then most people would say things like "I'm sure you can't imagine your life without them" and I'd just not answer because the truth is "oh yes, I sooooo can".

You see, I really didn't realise it was so relentless.

In addition to the work, there's the time it all takes.

Two babies on a 3-hour feeding schedule = maybe an hour of rest in between

And that's 24/7.

Yay, it's the early hours of the morning and time to play!

In those hours, there's laundry to be done, bottles to wash, sterilise, mix; I have to eat and shower, cook, etc.

I actually screamed at D once when he DARED suggest that I sleep when the babies sleep.

And then who will do the bottles and laundry???

I can't believe I actually considered having our day nanny only start when I go back to work in December. God was definitely guiding me to hire her from September because I think I would be crazy by now. No jokes!

I remembered all this stuff because my friend, R, brought her twin girls home on Tuesday and I think is going through some of what I did. Except she was clever and hired a full-time night nanny. I remember her asking a few months ago if I thought she'd need someone during the day too - um, YES! - so I said my piece but then left it. You also don't want to scare people senseless.

D asked me how she was doing and I said I think going through some of that twin romance thing. He now knows exactly what I mean!

I still think my babies are cute and I love when they do clever things, make their little noises and so on, but boy oh boy, the rose-coloured glasses are firmly off.


Do you like people to tell you the truth even if it's hard to hear?


P.S. I know I may be royally annoying a lot of you esp if you're not pregnant yet. I totally get that. I remember reading something on Tertia's blog once where she complained about her toddlers not sleeping and how she had to get up numerous times at night. I got irritated reading that post thinking I would KILL to have that problem because it'd mean I'd have children. And someone actually commented and said something like that.

So I get it. I'm very grateful to have the babies and when I'm rested and they're sleeping, I am VERY happy and feel rivers of love for them. I'm just really, REALLY looking forward to the days when I can sleep 6 - 8 hours consecutively again.