Finally, some twin romance!

When I was pregnant, my Dr C told us that his brothers are twins and his mother said after the twins were 3 months old, it was lovely because they played with one another and she didn't serve as their entertainment.

Well, 3 months came and went and I'm convinced that either 1) she lied or 2) 3 months meant 3 years.

Our kids are playing together SO nicely these days. Together instead of alongside.

They don't even come look for us in the mornings unless they're hungry.

Of course the flip side is that they FREAK out if they can't see their twin (like when one wakes and sees the other bed already empty).

Yes, there are glorious fights too but 99% of the time they are best friends who can play without us :)

they're looking at rabbits

Here are some of their chatter, the bits I can remember:

Just peeked in to check on the kids (they'd just been put to bed) and Connor says to me, "Mummy, I'm sleeping on my white pillow [a continental pillow which I still need to write about because it was the best baby shower gift ever] because I wasn't comfortable on my green and blue pillows".

Kendra earlier to Connor, "thank you my darling boy" (this is me!)

Kendra when she saw an old but rarely used ring on my finger, "Mummy! I like your ring!"

This afternoon after his nap Connor told me that Friday is the daddy, Brown bear (a water bottle they got when they turned 1 - my kids are winter babies, remember?) is the mummy and Aunty Angie Bear is the baby.

He took one of my baskets from their bedroom, put Aunty Angie Bear in there and when I was tidying and tossed Brown bear in the basket, he freaked. "Mummy, Brown Bear is NOT a BABY!" (turns out the basket was the crib)

I asked Kendra what happened last night and she says, "Mummy, it's a long story but I'll 'splain" :) (It was a very long story!)

It's scary when the kids pick up your verbiage.

Connor has started saying "obviously" which is a word I often use. I asked him something the other day, "have you done ____?" and he said,"obviously!"

Kendra told me today to say "righty ho". I said, "where did you learn that word, Baby?" "Daddy"

And then later today I said to Kendra, "will you please focus?" "What does focus mean?" "It means to concentrate on doing one thing til you're done" :) Time management 101.

Today Connor got an extra star for being very kind to his sister.

They got two balloons each at a party yesterday and this afternoon I wrote K and C on the balloons because I knew time was running out on the balloons' life cycles. Well, they were playing outside and one of K's blew off and popped on a branch. She WAILED.

I heard talking (I don't go running for every little thing) and eventually they came back inside.
Connor had 1 balloon and Kendra had 2.

When I asked them what happened, Connor explained that he gave one of his balloons to Kendra to cheer her up. Then he looks at me and says, "but I don't think it's working".

Oh my sweet boy. Then there was a bit of a love fest because Kendra told him again, "Thank you for giving me your balloon, Connor. I love you" and they were both hugging and kissing. I actually got teary :)

So today is Sunday but it's like a Saturday because we have a public holiday tomorrow - YAY! One extra day to get things done off my to-do list. About to tackle some computer stuff now, fun things like budgeting :)

How was your Sunday?

Our first visit to the Joburg Zoo

My friend, Nat, had a photoshoot at the zoo recently and when she told me about it, I realised that the zoo is on my 37 things list. Especially since D and I have lived in Jhb for 19 years and have never been!

So off we went on Easter Monday.

Yes, it was packed but I came kind-of prepared with some snacks and water.

My best idea (again stolen from Nat) was taking the pram.

I loved having the babies contained again - it just made the whole experience so much more enjoyable for all of us, me not saying a million times, "no, don't do that. Connor, come back!"

And then my second best idea was attaching the babies' bags straight to the pram's handlebar with my beloved BINDER RINGS. V washed the pram recently and I'm not sure why (maybe because I said I want to sell it) but she packed the bottom bit away.



D says this is my signature pic - zoomed in tight and cropped close

oh my word, I melt

hard work climbing little fences

mmmm, yessss

these are the moments I want to remember

I love this pic

that ugly building is the Jhb Hospital in the background

my little family

this was a cute moment. they were trying to escape from me so I made them sit on a little step and said, "give each other a hug" and when they did, another lady nearby said "aaawww" :) (this is the twin romance that is so rare)

this boy loves his food

more cute baby memories - and now I don't have to keep the shoes!

proof that I was also there - I'm trying to get in at least one pic with the babies every month

doesn't she look like a teenager here? it's that arm

they did this spontaneously as we were making our way to the exit. oh the cuteness!

another pic of me with the babies - which of my sides is better? :)

Which are your favourite pics?

Mine is the orange flower :) and the leaves against the sky. I'm obsessed.

PS I know there are no pics of animals. I'm not an animal person. I'm much more interested in other things although I did take some requisite pics. Do you want to see a few?

Twin fog

I've been chatting with a twin mom friend who's a little bit frustrated at not having any time for herself.

I call it twin fog. The opposite of twin romance, if you will.

The feeling that even though they're sleeping and you're no longer sleep deprived (or maybe you are, in which case I take my hat off to you), you still have no energy or passion to do the things you love to do.

Or used to love to do, pre-babies.

Like you're in a fog.

Once they're down for the night, it's cooking, cleaning, eating, prep for the next day, and then bed.

I was thinking about my friend this morning and I remembered something Rebecca said.

She said ages ago (around the time her twins turned two) that she's sort of coming into herself and feeling like she can do things for herself again.

You know, recapture some of the pre-mom stuff.

Two years later.

And then I read Mandy's post this morning, which is outstanding, by the way. Go read. Mandy and I always email a couple of times back and forth behind the scenes and she said some great things.

One of which I hope she won't mind me repeating.

That for a long time she thought of time during the day as "baby time" and "off time". When the babies napped, it was "off time" otherwise it was all "baby time".

And that she eventually realised she had to just realise this is her new life.

Something clicked when I read that because I feel that way too.

In fact, I said to D a few weeks ago that I'm finally fully realising "this is our life". All of it - the craziness, the no time to have a hot cup of tea (this is my ultimate pleasure these days - I know it's a bit sad, but hey, it's winter), the difficulty of running errands, the wonder of having actual conversations with them while out, it's all the "new normal", to coin a Dr Phil phrase.

So, I think we have to all go through a mourning of sorts for our old lives. Especially those of us who like control.

My life where I could sleep til 10 every Sat and Sun, get up and leisurely have breakfast and tea, read for hours and hours every day, and on and on.

But as Mandy also said in her email to me, it's just for a season. And it does get easier all the time.

To answer the Multiples and More question of the week, which is what are some of your favorite parenting myths?



My favourite parenting myth is that I'm the only one going through something....

• babies who don't sleep
• thin babies
• babies who walked late
• discipline issues
• not loving the newborn stage
• really anything other than what normal, happy, perfect babies are supposed to experience :)

So did you have the twin fog, or just the fog? When did you start feeling like you accepted the new normal?

And what is your favourite parenting myth?

Cameraderie amongst mothers

About two weeks ago I returned from a meeting to a voicemail message:

A new twin mom from work wanted to know who my night nanny had been and if I'd recommend her.

(I'd recommend both of them but they are both in full-time day work now, the latter working for my friend, Eve, the single mom with twin boys)

I phoned her back (quickly I thought) and told her this but also gave her my agency's details.

We chit-chatted around this night nanny business for a bit (like, did I actually sleep or get up and help her? of COURSE I slept, I was paying for it and was hellishly sleep deprived) and then I did what I usually do:

"How are you really doing?"

She first said something about how you ALWAYS need two hands - true - and how there seems to be always one screaming - again, true.

And then I rested in the pause and she said, "did you cry every day?"

I was honest and said, "no" but then I added, "but I did feel that frustration and overwhelm and "what the hell was I thinking going through IVF for this"?

And she burst out crying.

I nearly did the same.

She sobbed and said that she cries daily. Sometimes many times a day.

How they were happy with their one child and how she's messed up their lives by wanting a sibling for her and going through this.

"And Marcia, this is why I was so scared to put back two embryos".

(true - she came to me before IVF3 and told me how she was so scared of transferring two embryos. I didn't have any advice because we only had two and I had the twin romance thing going on.)

When she stopped crying so much, I listened to her go on and on, and then we spoke nicely and I told her that there was no shame in going to see the doctor for some AD help, and that the main focus for the first couple of months is simply to survive.

Two people gave me this advice - se7en and a work colleague.

"Don't worry about falling in love with the babies, coping and loving the twin thing; just get through it for now", I said.

************************************

Today we had lunch with a friend from work (seriously, the nicest girl in the world and I have lots of nice friends) who I don't see anymore as we outsourced the admin in that area of the business and she's moved to the new administrator. Boo!

Our babies are a year apart, exactly. In fact, her D was due by Caesar on my babies' birthday but he came 2 days early because he didn't want to share :)

Anyway, she has another friend with twins and they were also there.

Well, this mother is very much like me.

No BS and tells it like it is.

Her girls were born at 33 weeks and stayed in the NICU for 7 weeks.

She says after the first night of the babies being home, she said to her husband, "that's it, I can't do this. I'm done".

Our friend laughed but the two of us said, "we are sooooo not joking" :)

She's a SAHM and has 10.5 month-old girls. Very, very cute girls.

She's a self-proclaimed control freak - and yes, we saw this in action many times. I do love being around control freaks who are worse than I am because I appear positively laid back :)

Even D said, gosh, next to her, you are SOOOOOOOOOOO relaxed.

She said to me that she LOVED being around another twin mom because 1) at least she doesn't feel alone with the crazy chaos and 2) I gave her some inspiration (like my friend Carmen did for me many, many months ago).

And both her and my friend said they can't WAIT for their babies to be walking and talking, so for a change I had the most advanced babies :)

So there we go - I feel so privileged to be able to give other mothers (esp twin moms) just a teensy bit of comfort that they are not alone in the madness.

We do this in the blog world all the time (MandyE, I spoke about you today and how you inspired me with the reading thing) but it's different when you actually see and hear people interact with their kids.

This week I need to get moving again with my exercise - I only exercised twice last week - a dance class at the gym and once at home - and eat properly (more tomorrow on weigh-less).

I also need to stop procrastinating and put together a work presentation for the 18th - it's being critiqued by peers which is always the worst, don't you find?

How was your weekend? And what do you need to get sorted out this week?

PS. I just had a thought - I put on my Mondo list that I'd like similar people to come into my life. Could this be it? But isn't there some kind of friendship code about "poaching" friends? Have you ever met a friend through a friend? How did that work for you?

PPS this is my favourite pic of the day

Pigeon pair

I'm writing this one in response to Roz's post (no point in linking - I get annoyed when people link to private blogs, don't you?) this morning.

Roz wrote about how annoyed she gets when people keep asking if they're going to try again for a boy since they have twin girls.

I get that.

First off, I always said I didn't mind what my two were because all I wanted was A baby. I already felt like I hit the jackpot getting TWO. No matter what sex those two were.

And that was me being 100% honest.

Still, when the doctor said one was a boy and he wasn't sure about the other, I still didn't mind having two boys (in hindsight I do actually think boys are easier) but I did say to D, "if they're both boys, we may have to do another IVF to see if we can have a girl" because I wanted to experience both a girl and a boy.

Okay, God knew what he was doing and gave me both at once because you all know I do not do well with the newborn stage and will never have babies again (emotionally I can't do IVF again and also financially - older eggs will probably mean more than 1 go and I just can't!) and also, I was thinking with the rose-tinted glassses of twin romance.

So I hit the jackpot twice - TWO babies and a girl and a boy.

And it seems lots of people feel the same because we get stopped quite a lot, as you do with twins, and get comments about "how lucky" we are to have a "pigeon pair" because "now you're finished".

And that bugs me too.

Because I don't like people assuming that just because we have a girl and a boy, that necessarily completes things for me.

Yes, I am happy with my family but hey, if I get given a 12-month-old baby, I will be over the moon. LOL

So I say things like, "yes, we are VERY blessed, but we would have been very happy with girls or boys".

Because that is the truth.

Is it important to you to have one (or more) of each gender?

P.S. Pic taken on 21 November last year. I canNOT believe they were that tiny or that I was that thin! I never ever ever thought I'd say this but maybe there's something to being that sleep deprived....... :)

I can't believe I said that

A friend phoned me at work the other day to ask me about The Notebook.

Turns out there's a lady in her complex* who's also expecting twins (boy/ girl) soon and she wants to make her one.

First of all, I said, "don't bother doing a nice one - you go through them so fast and with everybody writing in the same book, it's a mess anyway" (do you have ANY idea how far I've come with my natural perfectionistic tendencies around that notebook?!) and then I got to asking her more about her friend.

She's 23................

Well, do you know what I said, "shame! poor thing"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then I caught myself and added, "it's VERY young to be coping with twins". LOL

I told Nanny Viola the story when I got home and she was HORRIFIED :) (she loves these babies and doesn't think a single bad thing about them - when I say "so-and-so's being very naughty", she'll say, "oh, he's just hungry" or "she's just frustrated" - too cute!)

today, around 1:30 (yes, we were late!)

We went to our friends for lunch today - thank goodness because we were CRAVING warm food (and I was also dying for a mug of tea)...more on that later

So we met the pregnant girl who was just delightful.

She told me she's planning to work until 35 weeks (currently 31 weeks) and when she saw my face, asked when I stopped work. I told her that I'd planned to stop at 32 weeks and the babies came early when my waters broke.

She did tell me her gynae also said to stop working at 32 weeks...but the age old thing, she's trying to have as much maternity leave with the babies as possible.

I tried hard not to scare her but instead to keep it honest and real. She said that she really appreciated it because she doesn't know anyone with twins and everyone is being so laidback about it. Everyone being parents of singletons. I think it's the twin romance thing.

I gave her my business card and told me to email me ANYTIME because sometimes you just need to talk to a fellow twin mom :)

It's always interesting to see people's reactions to my babies because C is so much bigger than K. But you know what she said? How lovely that he's such a nice big brother to his sister. Sweet!

coming home

Two other things
Complexes

The number 1 problem in Johannesburg is violent crime. Unfortunate but true. So that's why D harped on about electric fencing at the new house. Security companies make a fortune here selling all sorts of things - armed response, electric fencing, motion detectors, panic buttons, etc, etc. - all to help us feel safer.

As a result, some people (I'm not one of them as I have access to lots of crime stats from my work and the truth is that people are subjected to crime all over Jhb, sometimes more so in the higher income areas) feel that living in a townhouse complex * is the best thing to do as security is generally tighter (there are a lot more security guards, people can only gain access using their remote control, etc, etc).

Power failures

Oh my word! Yesterday (Good Friday) our power was out from 12 midnight to 9:30 am - I didn't think it was too bad since I generally prepare bottles until 10 am the following day for precisely this reason and I gave the babies fruit and yoghurt for breakfast.

But today? 8:15 it all shuts off and I couldn't even get through on the phone to City Power to find out when it would be restored. I had to ration the poor babies and fed them everything in the house I could find (Purity teething biscuits, apples, bread with cottage cheese, fruit and yoghurt), all to avoid foods that needed heating. Fortunately I'd also made the 2pm bottles.

I could only have muesli and yoghurt for breakfast, no hot cup of tea, so I could not WAIT to get to our friends' place for some hot food and to make my dessert. The food didn't disappoint and I had TWO cups of tea, just in case :)

So tonight I really hope we won't have a power outage again. I am DONE with "camping" but just in case, I've prepared bottles for the whole day tomorrow, until midnight! And the minute I press publish post, I'll be boiling the kettle and filling my thermos flask :)


Top Mommy Blogger?

Confession time - I'm not a newborn person

The Graco DuoRider - this is their maiden journey
(oh, that's my MIL)

It was freezing here in Jhb on Sunday

Kendra - look at the cute mouth

and Connor - I love his expressions with those eyes and Nat, yes, the dummy!

So I mentioned in the last post how I'm not loving the newborn stage. You might have got a hint from this post :)

The babies are 13 weeks old now (exactly 3 months today) and now I can finally say I'm enjoying them.

Still not in that "oh I can't believe how wonderful my life is; my baby has totally fulfilled me" way. But I find I look forward to seeing them wake up, especially when they sleep a bit longer than usual. And they're starting to develop some personality. I'm all about the personality!

If anyone else is in the same boat, I'd say I first started enjoying this motherhood lark at around 10 weeks or so....

I used to say to D, "oh I wish I could go to work and leave you here with the babies" or when he said he'd missed them, I'd tell him "you are absolutely crazy!" and he still says I will see when I go back to work.

But there's a difference between loving the babies and loving the experience.

Before we knew we'd have to go through all this drama to have a baby (or two), I used to say to D that it would be lovely if babies could just arrive at two years.

They're so lovely at that age - personalities, independence, cuteness :)

My babies have a baby friend who was born a day earlier and also spent 27 days in NICU like Kendra did. The mother and I have been keeping in touch, very sporadically, but she left me a voicemail message a week ago and I managed to return her call on Sunday.

Well, that phone call was so healing.

She wanted to know if I'm loving this, if I'm depressed, do I also pray for them to just sleep? Etc, etc.

We had a lovely chat - no, I'm not depressed and am not on any AD's, but no, I don't love this and yes, I literally do pray for them to sleep.

She was so relieved to know that she's not weird for not loving this motherhood thing and wanting to go back to work.

I'm always glad to encourage others, because mothers of singletons always say to me, "at least I don't have two!" with GLEE in their voices. And then I think of triplet moms and think, "at least I don't have three!" :)

How could people love the sleep deprivation when you literally forget how to talk and string a sentence together?!

(I've even been extending my coaching sessions with my clients because I realise I'm not as articulate as I should be).

But why don't people talk about this?

I've now accepted the fact that I'm just not a newborn person and am okay with that.

Are you?

Twins: romance vs reality

I have always wanted twins - I don't know quite where I got this notion from but I do remember always saying I wanted twins.

I even have twins on my vision board!

Then when Dr J told me we were having twins at my 7-week ultrasound, I was beyond excited. I literally couldn't stop smiling.

I suppose it's like those scenes in the movies where the two star-crossed lovers run toward each other across a field of flowers.

Slow motion, soft focus, lovely romantic music...

I had this romantic view of twins - having a lovely belly, giving birth according to plan, being discharged from the hospital WITH my two babies and then looking after them at home.

And of course, dressing them in cute clothes, taking lots of pics, etc.

I knew it would be a lot of work - it's obvious, everything is doubled - but I'm not that lazy (!) so I thought things would be okay.

Well, I had the lovely pregnancy even though the birth didn't go according to plan. And of course, the twins were in NICU which doesn't help matters much.

But bringing them home very quickly jerked that romantic view right out of my head.

When Connor came home the three of us had a lovely 11 days of feeling what it was like with just one baby.

We had some one-on-one bonding time with him despite being sleep deprived and me mourning the sudden end of my pregnancy.

"What are you doing with that camera?"
Well, Connor, since we're up anyway, might as well have some fun!

I really thought this whole thing was doable (despite it being hectic visiting the NICU all the time and the horrible pumping) and couldn't wait for Kendra to come home to complete our family unit.

People, I was crazy! Because I had not a clue of what was to come.

Kendra then came home and I'm like OH MY WORD.

Why on earth did no-one tell me it was THIS bad?

Seriously.

Why does no-one tell you?

Is it that they think they'll rain on your parade or don't want to be a downer?

I'm the type of person that really doesn't like to hear lots of bad things but I would much rather have the truth so I can deal with it than be strung along.

Even with the IVF thing, that's why I loved my Dr G so much - he's not much for the BS - tells it to you straight so you can deal with it.

Anyway, so I started thinking maybe everyone else is just more together than I am, or maybe I really am a freak who will never be a good mother.

I remember being so sleep-deprived I did things like putting dishes meant for the cupboard in the fridge, dropping and breaking medicine bottles, sleeping in my clothes because I was too tired to change into pajamas, not showering until 3pm in the afternoon, leaving crumbs on the counter (big no-no for me!), and the list goes on and on.

D holding Kendra - she would not settle so he had to eat one-handed while holding her

Until I sent a text to my friend Natalie one day saying something like "I'm exhausted, finished, blah blah. Can't do this. Babies driving me crazy, etc."

She'd also had a bad day so we commiserated with one another and that made me feel non-freakish about not loving this newborn stage.

Why do we all pretend that things are fine when they're not?! Or is it only me?

And then most people would say things like "I'm sure you can't imagine your life without them" and I'd just not answer because the truth is "oh yes, I sooooo can".

You see, I really didn't realise it was so relentless.

In addition to the work, there's the time it all takes.

Two babies on a 3-hour feeding schedule = maybe an hour of rest in between

And that's 24/7.

Yay, it's the early hours of the morning and time to play!

In those hours, there's laundry to be done, bottles to wash, sterilise, mix; I have to eat and shower, cook, etc.

I actually screamed at D once when he DARED suggest that I sleep when the babies sleep.

And then who will do the bottles and laundry???

I can't believe I actually considered having our day nanny only start when I go back to work in December. God was definitely guiding me to hire her from September because I think I would be crazy by now. No jokes!

I remembered all this stuff because my friend, R, brought her twin girls home on Tuesday and I think is going through some of what I did. Except she was clever and hired a full-time night nanny. I remember her asking a few months ago if I thought she'd need someone during the day too - um, YES! - so I said my piece but then left it. You also don't want to scare people senseless.

D asked me how she was doing and I said I think going through some of that twin romance thing. He now knows exactly what I mean!

I still think my babies are cute and I love when they do clever things, make their little noises and so on, but boy oh boy, the rose-coloured glasses are firmly off.


Do you like people to tell you the truth even if it's hard to hear?


P.S. I know I may be royally annoying a lot of you esp if you're not pregnant yet. I totally get that. I remember reading something on Tertia's blog once where she complained about her toddlers not sleeping and how she had to get up numerous times at night. I got irritated reading that post thinking I would KILL to have that problem because it'd mean I'd have children. And someone actually commented and said something like that.

So I get it. I'm very grateful to have the babies and when I'm rested and they're sleeping, I am VERY happy and feel rivers of love for them. I'm just really, REALLY looking forward to the days when I can sleep 6 - 8 hours consecutively again.