So, are you done having kids?

 

This is the question asked of me lately and also after Friday's post, "so are you done having kids or do you want more?"

Before I answer that, let me share three quick things with you:

1. I always wanted 4 kids til we knew we had problems and eventually I thought, "well, if I just have one, it will be a miracle".

It was indeed a miracle and I feel very, very blessed (most of the time) to have two.

And because I found the newborn stage so incredibly hard (three is also giving me a run for my money), I can't see past that.

2. When we did our IVF, on day 3, we had three embryos but only had two good ones - an 8 and a 9-cell.

I asked about that third one and they said it wasn't a good enough quality to freeze.

While at the time I felt like I wanted some insurance in case we didn't have a pregnancy, once we had the pregnancy and definitely once they were newborns, I was Very Glad there were no other embryos.

Because it removed the decision from us.

At least two readers of this blog have asked me if we have embryos.

I'm really so thankful we don't have any.

I can't imagine both not wanting kids and having those embryos. I'm weird - I wouldn't want to donate them (my kids...).



3. Then I read this post on Ask Moxie about whether to have a third baby. Moxie has the loveliest readers - such levelheaded and balanced people (lots of T's :)) - and they leave beautiful comments.

So of course, I read all the comments.

And something struck and challenged me.

A lot of people said if you could always see yourself with lots of older children, then that's what you should keep in mind.

Because yes, the newborn and toddler years are difficult but they're short and once they're over, you'll forget those and then have the lovely family you always wanted forever afterwards.

I read of people having or wanting more after twins and I do admit to thinking, "you are absolutely mad" but maybe all along people have been thinking of the big picture?



Wow - I had never thought of it like that. And it actually makes sense. These readers are mostly N's too.

As an S, I'm so fixated on that newborn stage and scared to death of it that I can't see beyond that stage.

All that to say, I haven't changed my mind - I'm still recovering from having twins after all - but I do love that my thinking has been totally changed and challenged by reading that post and the resultant comments.

Isn't that fascinating?

So, are you done? How did you know you were or weren't done? Are you a big picture thinker with regards to kids?

 

PS which is your favourite pic? These were taken last week Friday.

Five on Friday

1. When you skip ONE day of reading blogs and your reader announces that you have 120 unread items, it's time to declutter blogs. I'm also thinking about re-categorising my blogs into those I comment on and those I don't, so that I can focus my attention if I'm pressed for time.

2. Last night I was really, really not in the mood to socialise especially after the website story (I'm sure you guys are so tired of hearing about this - imagine how I feel!) but we had our fertility babies six-weekly get together. As usual, it was lovely to get out and connect with the girls, talk nonsense, laugh at other people's parenting issues knowing you're all in the same boat and just have a good time.

3. Straight after my post, I had two coaching calls, one of them with my coach. She listened, listened and listened some more, we chatted a bit and then she prayed for me. I then sent her a section of this post and she sent me the MOST wonderfully encouraging email last night.

4. I've been on a mentoring course for the last two days and it has been fabulous. I'm not much for a lot of theory but I had tons of insights which I have noted down should I feel the need to blog these at any point :)

5. And I've got to say it's really, really nice when the thing you think you're awesome at (for me, coaching) is affirmed by total strangers. They require us to use some specific models with our mentees which I don't use in my business but despite all that, the process still felt very natural to me and the woman had to pry us out of role play (me and my partner) because we were so into it.

And for me?

Well, I have not been getting to bed quite as early as I'd like but it has been earlier than last week.

I haven't exercised this week and I won't go tomorrow morning either.

But I have been kind to myself.

I worked really hard when in the office this week (all of two days!) and even though there are things that are undone, I'm not going into my work email to work this weekend.

I cancelled a workshop that I felt was just too much to do at this point.

I have not been beating myself up about this website. I breathed and wrote to the web person and am taking it easy. Well, for me.

I asked God for clarity and the best way to fix everything and today I twigged that I could take down the hacked page while the website is being fixed. So hopefully things look alright now, otherwise tough. I am done.

What have you done for yourself this week?

Girls Night Out

So last night I got there with a great deal of ease, very unlike my usual style of getting lost.

Let me share my secret weapon with you - the doormen at the Hyatt in Rosebank.

They are fabulous - anytime I have to go to Rosebank I drive in there, circle around the roundabout and look a bit lost, and one of them comes out and helps me.

Last night I told him where I was going and he said without any hesitation, "turn left, turn left again, and you're there"

LOVE IT!

I intentionally left with plenty of time to spare in case I got lost but was about 15 minutes early.

I took out my laptop and cleared most of my emails (personal, never work).

And then the other 3 girls arrived.

Quite honestly I lost track of time and didn't even take one pic.

We were all so busy talking and eating and laughing and more talking and having fun.

We shared stories of laparoscopies, disobedient toddlers, cute things they're saying, sleep issues, party ideas, everything.

Fun fun fun.

It was exactly what my soul needed to recover from the awful day.

Thank you Caren, Natalie and Mandy for a fantastic evening!

If you're interested I had fettuccine with chicken, spinach and sundried tomatoes (yum), water (always) and a small triple chocolate brownie with tea. We all had the triple chocolate brownies.

Delicious!

What perks you up after an awful day?

Good rushing

I seem to have days at work where there are only 1 or 2 short meetings the whole day, and then there are those days like Wed and yesterday where I have literally 6 hours of meetings in a row.

Which just kills me because there's no time to action all those discussion points ...

Yesterday I had meetings from 1 - 4:30 and then rushed home, put babies to bed after supper and baths, and rushed out again to the other side of the world. Literally.

That was a good rush, though.

It was our fertility babies supper at my friend, Roz's house.

We were supposed to be 8 girls but 3 cancelled at the last minute.

Still, I always believe that the ones who are meant to be there will be there.

And we were.

I can't speak for them but I had a wonderful time seeing all my friends and Roz's one twin, E, who was up and about with us for about 30 mins. There's a pic of the two of them right on the bottom of this post.

I love seeing mothers interacting with their kids in their homes - there's a different feeling to it, don't you find?

I even got to meet her nanny!!!

The food was also lovely...

chicken lasagne

salad and breadrolls

and a delicious chocolate pudding with custard (which sounds really good right NOW as I'm hungry)

Those are the pics of the table - wasn't it stunning? The one of the glass is my favourite pic.

I always feel like my tank's all filled up after I get together with friends in person.

Social media is kind of wonderful (I say kind of because I'm still not totally convinced that it doesn't just lead to overwhelm) but there's still nothing like connecting in-person with friends.

And bonus! I only got lost once :) Roz's directions were absolutely perfect (don't you love good directions?!) but coming home, there was a huge accident on the highway and I was a bit shaken by all the cars involved and missed my exit.

Fortunately I've made that mistake once before so I knew how to get home from taking the next exit.

What are your plans for the weekend?

We are going to spend a fortune on Pediasure (yes, I'm a slacker mother for only bothering to get it this weekend. I'm at peace with my slacker tendencies).

All pictures taken by Roz.

Something strange is happening

I've written before about how V sometimes comes in on a Saturday if I have an event to go to or if D and I need to run lots of errands quickly.

As you know, quick errands and babies do not go together in the same sentence.

Nevertheless, the last time we did one of these babysitting days, a few Saturdays ago, I actually felt guilty leaving them at home with V.

It is VERY strange because:

1. I don't generally feel guilty
2. It felt like they should be with us because we're a family!

What's that all about?

I suppose I'm just delayed and the rest of the world felt like this from the beginning whereas I just wanted to escape?

Coupled with this guilt thing, I'm finding that I'm being a lot more intentional with my time.

I'm really thinking hard about whether I want to spend (waking) time away from the babies and if I do, then I want my time away from them to count.

Quick example...

I went to a women's event last Sat that was hosted by our church. The theme was romance so I thought, "great. we could do with some jazzing up" and I went.

Well, the theme should have been "God as the great Romancer" or something like that because there was not a single thing about marriage, etc. and I was very cross.

I found myself resenting the time I was spending away from the babies and after I wallowed a little, I gave myself a talking-to and determined to get as much as I could, since I was there.

Still...

We have a thing going on in our Fertility Babies group where it's "moms only" for two groups, and then for the 3rd one, we can bring babies with us.

Technically speaking, that is.

As in it's never happened with me.

I didn't take the babies for the first two and then felt so "out" I just stopped going to the "with babies" groups.

But I think I'm finally getting why the other mothers want their babies with them.

I think I'd have no qualms about it if we had the meetings at night and maybe shared supper together. Kind of like a book club, but for ex-infertiles :)

Because I have absolutely no second thoughts going to gym or movies or coaching... but only once the babies are asleep.

Does this seem weird to you? Anyone relate?

P.S. Toddler Sense was very interesting!
P.P.S. Katherine, I thought of you running your race as I drove to the seminar this morning :)

Today was a very special day

We had a baby shower for the founder of our infertility support group, K. It was actually a combined baby shower/ Fertility Babies group and it was very well attended.

It was the first baby shower I'd actually looked forward to and it was lovely.

I still had the text message on my phone from when she found out she was pregnant. I remember I was right in the middle of the bath/ bedtime craziness and I remember thinking what a Big, Awesome God we serve because this baby is truly a miracle. No IVF, no treatments, no medication, nothing.

She often tells me I inspire her (because we both have that same fear of needles and I had my 2 IVFs) and I feel exactly the same because she faithfully hosted that infertility support group for 2.5 years now while women were falling pregnant left, right and centre.

We've had about 28 babies born in the group (can't remember exact numbers) and I know I couldn't have done seen all that happen without losing it.

It's always so interesting to see how different everyone is in their mothering style - K mentioned wanting to get a bottle warmer, about 3 of us said, "waste of money" and others said, "oh, absolutely get one".

The one thing that has saved us TONS of time with our babies is not warming milk, even in the dead of winter. A tip I learned at the multiples seminar that has stood me in good stead as I never had a baby screaming because it wanted warm milk, just because I was too slow :)

It was lovely to see everyone again and catch up on everyone's stories.

However, my dear husband D said to me when I got home, "why did you want to take the babies with you? No one cared that they were there and it's not fair to set them up for rejection like that"

My heart broke.

At least they were only there 15 minutes but still... this emotional stuff is hard.

He said if people want to see them, they should visit us like my one friend, R, did just before the meeting. R had some magic going on because Connor was laughing like crazy with her - such fun!

Very true.

Anyway, it was still a lovely day and at least the baby shower happened WHILE she was still pregnant. She's about 39 weeks now!

When K phoned me during the week, I saw her name come up on my phone and first thing I said was, "K, are you still pregnant?" LOL

What do you have planned this weekend?

After church tomorrow, we'll do more of what we did last Sunday - go play outside and let the kids eat stones and get dirty! And yes, that's a fake dog and the only one I'll be having until they're old enough to take care of an animal themselves :)

Welcome to the party!

I was blog hopping and found that there's a blog party happening.

Well, I decided to join right in so welcome to my party :)

Kick off your shoes and make yourself at home.

One of the things I LOVE is when people come visit and they do exactly that - kick off shoes, put their feet up or go into the kitchen and just make themselves tea/ coffee, etc.

Anyway...

I've been married to D for the last 15 years (will be exactly 15 years on 29th), mother of 9-month-old boy/ girl twins, I work a full-time job and run a business part-time, coaching and organising.

Thank goodness for the nanny!

Oh, and I'm in Johannesburg, South Africa.

Still trying to lose the last 2,6 kg of weight I picked up AFTER I reached my pre-pregnancy weight.

Love food (eating a chocolate muffin made by me with home-made plum jam from my friend, C's mom) - that explains the weight...

At parties I usually like to meet lots of people but then I end up talking "properly" to one or two by the time the party's over.

Tell me, what are you like at parties?


***********************


How strange - I actually feel like I've been at a party because I am EXHAUSTED today. Despite sleeping 11 uninterrupted hours.

Yesterday I hosted our Fertility Babies meeting - always GREAT to be around my friends, especially without babies to distract us :)

I learned that the most relaxed mothers don't read baby books and therefore don't know what their kids are supposed to be doing, or not doing!

What a concept! :)

I was a bit busy beforehand with food and whatnot but not so busy that the headache from hell needed to visit me.

It seemed like 15 minutes after the last person left the pounding in my head started.

I don't like taking tablets for just anything so I tried to wait it out... even went for a little sleep but nothing worked.

I felt so terrible I couldn't even eat.

That's how I know I'm not well.

D said he knew I wasn't well because the house was a mess (by my standards) and I wasn't even clearing up :)

I made all the bottles for the evening and went to bed. This time I took two tablets.

K decided to wake THREE times last night and D attended to her each time. Fortunately C slept through!!!

At least this morning when I woke at 7 the headache was gone and I was starving again, completely back to normal.

K met her first boyfriend at church this morning. They crawled toward each other and kissed before either of us could even react. That boy has tried to "steal" her rattle before - they do start young, don't they?

Speaking of Kendra, she's sitting on my lap (the boys are sleeping) and I can smell her stinky nappy so off I go! :)

Fertility Babies and the love factor

We had our Fertility Babies group on Saturday and this time we took some of your advice and had a mothers-only group which was much better. A chance to actually speak and get advice, etc.

Also, D was a super star. When I got home (late!) at about 5.40, it was surreal. The house was quiet, babies were in bed, classical music was playing and he was on the couch reading. Very freaky.

First thing I said was, "what's going on? where are the babies?" LOL

They were SLEEPING.

I told him I won't be getting the nanny to babysit when I go to these groups anymore and he said, "I didn't ever expect you to".

!!!

It was just the very first one when he was so knackered and, as he says, that was MONTHS ago and he is now a Daddy Rock Star.

My word.

So we used the quiet time to.... TALK :)

About the house and so on...

You see, I'm aware that we'll need to move to a bigger house eventually and since I'm so extremely debt-averse, I'm thinking we should move sooner rather than later and get cracking on paying down a new, smaller bond (mortgage).

Since I'm a planner, I made a list (!) (do you want me to post it?) and created a profile on some sites. They send me emails when a house that supposedly meets my criteria is available. Half the time it actually doesn't but this time I checked with the estate agent (realtor) and sure enough, it seemed to meet our requirements.

So we went to have a look on Saturday and it really does meet our requirements. BUT but but... I'm not in love with the house.

It helped that I'd just seen Ilse's gorgeous home. Technically not what I'm looking for (and WAAAAAYYYYYY out of our price range LOL) but I loved it. And that's the missing link - the love factor.

My list is being added to all the time... and, as I said to the guy, I'm in NO RUSH, I have about 3 - 4 years :)


P.S. Just finished last month's budget and YAY, spent even less on the babies by R700 (nearly $100). I think I've made up for it this weekend though as I had to get some more sheets and pillows for their cots.

P.P.S. I will add a pic tonight of the type of houses I like - I am CRAZY. We were once on holiday and I drove around taking pics of the HOUSES!

5 reasons I'm in a funk

This pic was taken today at our Fertility Babies group. Can you see The Belly?

BTW, those two cute children on the bottom of the pic belong to our host, pictured with me. They are some of the MOST well behaved kids I have EVER met. I need to start praying hard that mine turn out the same :)

I shouldn't joke; the kids aren't that naughty and D keeps reminding me that I asked for sassy kids.

That's true - but I specified 80% sweet, 20% sassy.

Did you ask for specific characteristics in your kids?

Anyway...... I'm in a bit of a funk.

I hate feeling all funky and introspective - it's sooooo not me. I'm not one for over analysing my feelings and so on... but when I feel funky, I do try to get to the bottom of WHY I'm feeling like that.

I've decided it's four things:

One

Yesterday I had a salary discussion at work initiated by me after I found I'm on the 47th percentile for my job grade and yet performance-wise, I'm an 80-percenter so should be somewhere around 75th percentile or higher.

At some point they thought I was on a lower job grade. I don't know why I do this to myself as was told same rubbish (I probably could have written the script) about they can only move me a little bit at a time. My thing is because salaries are increasing all the time I'm really only inching towards where I should be at a snail's pace and it will take years to get me there. Nooooo, they say, not true. Rubbish I thought but didn't say that. It's at times like this I want to just walk out but not so easy when you have to pay bond (mortgage), twins and so on...

Nothing really resolved except that it will be reviewed mid-year again. I'm the type of person who wants things FIXED and all TICKED off my list and DONE. So this gradual stuff is very frustrating for me.

Of course I'm an emotional eater so went to the famous canteen and had a prego roll, sponge cake and custard for lunch. Felt slightly bad but the food was so good.

How can you feel bad when you're having custard? (have a bit of a love affair with custard and the guy always gives me lots because I tell him he makes the best waffles in Jhb - true!)

Anyway best I get to grips with it and move on as I will drive myself nuts otherwise.

Two

Also I did my business year-end financial stuff (hate it!) and was horrified to find I made only a bit more money last year than I did in 2008. I could justify saying I only worked 6 months because then the babies came but historically I've had year-on-year results of around 180% for a couple of years running so this just annoys me. Which means I need to get even stricter with my time and only do things that will lead to the money, directly or indirectly.

Three

I've been bickering with D so much over the stupidest stuff.

Like this morning, he fed Connor K's butternut which is half Connor's portion. When I told him, he says "if you'll get up in the mornings instead of sleeping in blah blah".

I saw RED.

Me - "it is NOT only my responsibility to make sure the kids eat properly blah blah"

Stupid stuff like that.

I suppose we need to have some maritals (as T-bird says :)) to get our mojo back.


Four

Felt a bit out at our group this afternoon because I was the only mother there without babies. They were at home with D and the nanny who I'd paid to help babysit. Last time poor D was FINISHED by the time I got home and since I enjoy getting out with my friends, I thought I'd make it easier on him.

Despite knowing that it was best for them to stay in their routine as we'd already been out as a family that morning visiting with friends out from Dublin. Their son is 3 months older than mine and is just GORGEOUS. All red-headed cuteness. He and Connor hit it off and were heard giggling and laughing at each other which was too cute.

Also, I consider it "me time" and not "babies time" and it will be far too stressful trying to control both of them by myself in a strange environment.

Back to the group... I think we need some structure - it feels a bit all over the place which doesn't really work for me. I'll email round and see what the others say.

Five

This year I resolved to make stronger boundaries in my relationships with friends and so on. I want to only have nurturing, win-win relationships where both parties give energy to the relationship and where being with the person is not an energy drain due to their focus only on themselves.

Hope I'm not the only one but do you have friends who literally only talk about themselves all the time and never ask about you or your life? Who only contact you when they need something? I have not one but TWO. I've decided I'm done.

Interesting aside - had a lovely conversation about boundaries with an older lady at work who has also just ended a very long-term relationship

So there's my funk.

How are you all doing?

My tank is full

D & C staring at the hail

Yesterday was the first meeting of the Fertility Babies group.

We are all infertile people from our infertility support group who now have babies. I believe there are something like 28 babies born in that group over the last 2 1/2 years.

We have tons of people which is sooooooo inspiring but only 5 of us could make it. 1 was then stuck in the awful, awful Jhb traffic so she turned around and went right back home :) If all 5 of us had been there with babies, there would have been 10 babies as we all have twins LOL

We decided that we could bring kids and so one person brought her 17-month old boy/ girl twins. And the host was my friend, C, with her twin girls.

D dropped me off and we brought Connor and Kendra in for about 30 - 45 mins until Crabby Connor emerged (when he needs to sleep, he NEEDS to sleep) and they were sent back home.

(I personally am not crazy enough to bring my kids as I'll be running around non-stop)

Back to the 17-month olds.... My word, they are gorgeous! But not only that, they were an inspiration to me.

I've said many times before that I'm not a fan of the newborn stage. And even though mine are now 4 months old, they're really still only 2 months (adjusted).

So while they're now easier (eat quicker, sleep a TINY bit longer, smile a lot, etc.) I still can't wait for them to WALK and TALK and be little people I can interact with.

Seeing these two gave me so much hope because they were also born at 32 - 33 weeks and they are PERFECT! Just perfect.

However, I came home and said to D that I'm inspired by them, etc. and he says, "you really don't think ours are going to turn out like that, do you?"

I asked him what he meant and he says, "they are SOOOO sweet and well behaved; ours will be a lot naughtier".

Hmmm, probably true. Also I have ALWAYS said I want 80% good kids, 20% sassy!

So my tank is full - I love sharing and connecting with people!

D & K - talking to one another
(I was sorting out their clothes)