Where are you on the strict scale?

So I went to a talk last week called Shaping the will without breaking the child.

That's always been my concern with this discipline thing.

I love spunky, sassy kids (and looks like I got two of them!) and yet I also love well-mannered kids.

How do you find the balance?

D went to a talk by the same lady in Feb (I was babysitting since it was near where he works) and that's where he learnt about time-outs.

I still don't believe that time-outs in the same format work for every child.

I felt that Connor's personality was changing to slightly fearful and I love that God made him brave and fearless.

I won't rehash the past but I think we have a nice balance with him now.

 This is Kendra in time-out and Connor decided to keep her company

As an aside, when my husband sent me the newsletter, I saw there was this talk happening and sent it out to all my friends.

Maybe it's just me but I get a bit irritated if people just ignore me. Some did say they weren't prepared to travel to Greenstone, etc. or didn't feel they needed it, etc. so those are not the problem. I just don't know why people don't say "thanks but no thanks".

Is it just me or would you also get annoyed?

 I absolutely go to anything by myself but also think of these things as time to see friends.
One friend accepted my meeting invite and so we met up there. She'd dragged her sister along and so the three of us had a lovely time laughing, eating, drinking and hopefully learning too.

My best part was connecting with the two of them for 30 minutes before the thing started.

I first got all hot under the collar (you all do use this phrase, right? :)) but then calmed down a little and I've now decided to only send these things to the people who do respond.

Okay, back to the talk.

This woman is a brilliant marketer. Her talk was comprehensive enough and yet she seeded it so well with links to all her products and services that I was gobsmacked at how subtle and authentic it was.

Moving on...

I consider myself a strict mother. On a scale of 1 - 10, I'd probably be a 7.

But wow. If I had to do everything she suggests, even I would have to ramp it up on the strict scale.

I have a meeting so can't finish talking now...

Where do you rate on the strict scale?

123 magic for ME

Remember this Sunday when the kids drove me crazy?

Well, I bought 123 magic and I've been ploughing through the book.

My kids aren't very naughty and are actually mostly just curious (so I discovered from the comments on this post) BUT I can't stand the business of saying the same things a million times and the time-out after time-out after time-out.

It makes me feel like I'm a screaming banshee and that all I ever say is "no".

I don't want to be a mother like that so we started implementing 123 magic.

And I must tell you that the biggest difference has not so much been the kids' behaviour, but mine.

He said something in the book (you all know I'm terrible at reviews - I hardly take notes and winter doesn't help either - once I'm in bed almost nothing will get me out), which very loosely paraphrased is:

Most parents are actually throwing a tantrum if they've totally lost control of their own emotions when they discipline.

This was me on more occasions than I'd like to admit.

And as the followers of the system will know, two things that are integral are "no talking" and "no emotion".

Difficult for an E-type who wants to jibber jabber, explain things to kids, interact, etc.

But he also refers to a scripture from the Bible that says, "do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged." (Col 3:21)

His stance is that the more you annoy your kids by all the constant explaining, the more you aggravate them.

I get it.

Already I get annoyed by people talking too much (I actually have a girl in the office who feels the need to explain things over and over, in slightly different language and I've said on a couple of occasions, "oh yes, you mentioned that yesterday" :)) so I can well imagine our children getting irritated too.

There's a lot less talking, explaining and raised voices around here but within days I could see the difference.

I sometimes only have to say "that's 1" and they stop.

Sometimes we go all the way (like this morning, double time-outs for FLINGING all the clothes out of their drawers ALL over their bedroom) but then there'll usually only be one incident max per day.

But the best thing about this book is I'm calm and under control.

And they really are a delight to live with, much more than they were a month or so ago... :)

Prov 29:17
Discipline your children; you'll be glad you did - they'll turn out delightful to live with."

Of course, I'm well aware of how these things go - the minute the kids get up tomorrow they probably won't listen to me and you'll be thinking, "waitaminute, that's the after version?!"

How's the discipline going at your place?

What do you use?

P.S. Thank you, Rebecca, for writing this post which reminded me that I have to do an update on 123 magic.

Don't you hate it when you read a blog, participate, and never know what happened? I hate it! I hate it even more when I don't remember to update. Please remind me if there are updates I've forgotten about :)

P.P.S. New post here

Time-outs continued

Well, we went to church yesterday and on the way, D says to me, "so I think you should say something because you've been quiet for a whole hour"

!

A record for me. Just shows how cross I was.

He may have changed his mind when I started talking but talk I did.

I am tired and frustrated of saying the same thing to a child a couple of times, only to do time-out and 10 minutes later have to go through the same thing again.

This may be unrealistic but I expect them to obey me.

They are not naughty but are naughtier than I'd like. People keep saying they're well-behaved and I almost have to read the sentence twice, like, "my kids???"

The babies' "transgressions" are different:

• Connor is more physical and all his misdemeanors involve standing on his high chair's seat instead of sitting, going to touch the heater, our phones, etc, etc.
• Kendra doesn't listen and obey. It can be small things but it's everything. We can be talking and she deliberately disobeys (with a gleam in her eyes) or pretends to not hear or walks away, etc.

This sends me over the edge.

We don't really have tantrums, maybe because we walk away and leave them to thrash it out on the floor wherever they are.

Anyway, back to D and the conversation in the car.

• I don't believe that time-out works for Kendra.
• I don't like escalating the time-out in the bathroom for Connor. It goes against everything I believe around safety, even if just for 2 minutes.

We've agreed that he will "do" K's timeout so I can see it done properly. I feel at a disadvantage not having attended this talk myself.

And, if I'm being 100% honest here, I honestly think "my way" of dealing with things (which is really just my personality) worked for me with the kids. Or maybe they were just younger then.

If the child doesn't listen after the standard time-out, you put the child in a room further away, and then if they don't listen again, you close the door of that room.

I asked him what exactly the lady said about escalating things. Turns out our house doesn't support the escalation as we don't have any rooms that have doors which close and are "boring" (have virtually nothing in them). That room for me is our entrance-way but our whole sun-room/ entranceway/ dining-room/ kitchen is all open-plan.

We're now going to put up the camp cot somewhere .... (where?) for the escalation.

Meanwhile, I have started reading 123 magic (just a few chapters in) and am loving it so far. If those Amazon reviews are correct, we will have transformed kids soon.

So we dropped the kids off at children's church and enjoyed (I was still too tense to take it all in) the service.

Afterwards, they were their usual adorable selves, especially because both sets of people missed the others, and we had a lovely afternoon until supper time.

Connor again stood on his chair and received a smack on the bum from D. He FREAKS out and is LOUD but afterwards is good as gold.

The whole time afterwards, if I say, "no, Connor," he says, "nack" (smack) so he associates that with having not listened before.

Oy!

I must say, I find the repeating myself over and over and over the 2nd most exhausting thing about parenting.

Of course, the most exhausting thing is SLEEP DEPRIVATION. That one wins hands down!

How's the discipline thing going at your house on a scale of 1 - 10? Which method do you use?

Roz, if you're reading, how is it going at your house?

It's only 10:20 and I've already lost it at least twice

and already both kids have been in time-out a total of about 10 times.

I've lost it a number of times and when I realised I sound like a banshee, I made a cup of tea and have now locked myself in the study.

Because of this craziness, I have now bought 123 magic for Christian parents and I see it's already delivered to my Kindle.

Have any of you (besides Rebecca) had success using this method?

PS D is also cross with me because I told him his time-out system doesn't work for Kendra.

The good thing about being around other moms with kids is...

Natalie & D2 (baby one is also D)

On Saturday we had a big infertility get together.

Huge!

Of course there were hundreds of babies.

I joke, only about 30 or so?

Accompanied by their parents although lots of the husbands had "hockey" and "fishing" and "work", otherwise known as avoiding large gatherings of women and kids.

There were a few very brave souls still "in the trenches" (S, it was so great to chat with you and R - I think he's amazing to have pitched). Personally, if I'd been in that situation I wouldn't have gone - far, far too painful.

Apparently over 40 babies have been born in the 4 years of the group. K just phoned me back - we counted well over 40, of those 11 sets of multiples (Dee, yours are the only triplets).

K has a beautiful house with a gigantic garden and the kids were in heaven - running around, playing, stealing toys, eating things they don't ever eat (my two).

Connor and Emma were single-handedly polishing off one bucket of Flings

So back to the topic.

The best thing about these things is the realisation that your kids are really not that bad :)

Sometimes it takes seeing them all together to see that everyone has crazy kids and you're not the only one.

But the best best for me is seeing how other mothers do things.

Example 1

Some hover, some totally relax, some are somewhere inbetween with regards to kids running around like crazy.

My friend, R, has two girls who were dressed beautifully.

I'm not 100% sure but I think they weren't allowed to sit in the sandpit. Understandably - those beautiful dresses would be ruined. See hot pink dresses.



Mine were covered with sand (and water - Connor) from head to toe by the time we left. They climbed into the sandbox and did who-knows-what with the sand but yes, it was everywhere.



I just let them at it knowing that I'd dump them in the bath (the curer of all ills, in my book) when we got home.

(they were exhausted and slept soundly with not a peep the entire night)


Example 2

My friend, C, has twin girls. The one threw a tantrum when her mother wanted her to share toys with the "babies" (my two) and so went to the naughty corner (a far corner of the garden).

That's her in the pic below (tiny little girl second from left) - this is also me being lazy and zooming in from where I was sitting very far away.


This was priceless.

After a couple of minutes, C went to have a chat with her.

She then returned without G so I asked what was wrong.

"G says she's not ready to share and wants to stay longer in the naughty corner"

Well, I laughed and laughed.

Too cute!

But this inspired me.

So I tried it with Kendra yesterday.

"Kendra, are you ready to listen to Mummy or do you need to stay in time-out?"

She told me she's not ready to listen to me yet.

Brilliant!

And sure enough, when she came out a few minutes later, she was listening!

I've always felt like time-out with her needed some modification. This might just be it :)

What's the best thing for you about being with other moms?

This is my favourite pic of the day - such a serious boy (was he okay, Caren?)



PS I uploaded nice big pics this time - click to view big and save if you are featured :)

Does this time-out thing really work for all kids?

So last week I mentioned in the PS that D attended a talk on disciplining toddlers.

This lady has a whole list of disciplines, starting with time-out in the same room, then time-out in the bathroom, and so on, until smacking.

D loved the talk and shared most of it with me, including the fact that I'm a Sergeant Major. Hmmm.

In this instance, that's a good thing.

Anyway...

We've been doing the time-out thing.

Kendra sits quietly on the floor and is a model for time-out.

So I think since she doesn't seem in the least bit affected (it's like you've said "come sit next to me on the bed" or something equally silly), it may not be working.

Straight afterwards, we remind her why she is in time-out (this afternoon for not listening to Mummy) and then she needs to go do what she didn't want to do earlier.

Right.

Moving on.

Connor, on the other hand, FREAKS out.

I have not put him in time-out yet because I can't stand the screaming.

D puts him in time-out and the crying starts.

"Dada! Dada! Dada! " - at a really high pitch scream.

It is TERRIBLE.

This afternoon I teared up because I was in the lounge and Connor started his, "Dada, Dada" and then he saw me so he goes, "Mama, Mama, Mama" and starts coming toward me with tears streaming down his face.

He is distraught.

And yet I'm not supposed to reach out and take him because he's in time-out.

Then D got cross because I just sat there and didn't put him back where he was supposed to be sitting.

*sigh*

So my question is, does this time-out thing work for all sorts of kids?

If you use it, did you adapt slightly according to your children's personalities?

Please - I need tips - before I go over the edge.

Yes, I'm terrible at accepting blog awards

I always love getting some blog love in the form of these awards but I must confess, I'm terrible at the whole accepting and passing them on thing.

I don't like choosing people to give it to unless certain bloggers clearly spring to mind.

And I can't really think about things to say that you don't already know - is my life not an open book?

Also, I don't have a system (!) so I forget until I make the rounds and see the other people "accepting" their awards and then I remember.

Oy!


Anyway, here goes:

I got this trendy award from Rebecca in *blush* January, nearly two months ago.



And then a stylish blogger award from Mandy just last week :)



Thank you so much for the blog love - it's like virtual hugs on the internet.

So, let's see... 7 more things about me...at work

1. My cupboards at work are filled with kitchen things - mugs, tea, coffee, sweetener, biscuits (Salticrax for my low blood pressure) and cup-a-soup (tomato flavour if you're interested) - and not a single box of staples or officey thing.
2. I'm a pen snob. I only write with my beloved Pilot 0.7 gel pens. Try them and see...
3. I regularly talk to myself and tell myself how well I'm doing, like this. "M, you worked SO well today." First time a new guy heard me he thought I was crazy. My response? "If I don't tell myself nice things, who will?" Yip, made my point. Do you tell yourself nice things too?
4. Sometimes I'm amazed I actually function in corporate. I really don't like taking orders from anyone and I hate chasing up people to do their darn jobs. Still, this is why I'm employed (let's call it my tenacity... :)) and most people don't mind it. I personally would hate people badgering me but hey.
5. Most days I do love my job... and when I don't want to do something, I force myself to do it and then reward myself with a mug of tea and some blog reading.
6. They (my team) all use the word "awesomeness" because of me. Ha! I regularly say things to them like, "oh, that is SO part of your awesomeness". I suggested that we have "live your awesomeness" as one of our team values and they went for it. It tickles me pink :)
7. I honestly work with a fantastic bunch of people. We can all be brutally honest with one another and we never have that horrible tension going on. Well, there was one incident with the new person but she and the other guy sorted it out and we are all a happy family again.
   

So... it's late and I'm only giving this to 7 people. With quick intros.

Sarah from Bio Girl. Sarah was the first IF/ IVF blog I followed and Sweet Henry was born
Louisa from 123 myself (that's how I found her - I was checking URLs before buying this domain) with adorable daughter, Nicola.
Heather is a gorgeous, clever IT manager person (that's about as technical as I get) with the most gorgeous little boys and a beautiful daughter. Heather and I are both ESTJ :)
Lynette whose word of the year is breathe - I love her word and her beautiful spirit. She's also a scrapbooker who lives in the city where I was born.
Hayley who is the epitome of stylish. We keep threatening to meet up because she actually lives near me (near by Jhb standards)
Cat who is actually crafty (yes, I'm jealous). Had a beautiful party for her little girl recently (it's me that keeps pointing people to that party post!) and the most fabulously stylish but low key birthday for her twin boys.
Kendra - started following her blog recently from crafty blog hops- go look at her office redo - GORGEOUS


How are you with these award things?

Are you on top of them? Or a slacker like me?


P.S. Coming up - biting, discipline and pics of those darn tins. Also I now have a "crafty things to do" list - yes, you can laugh.

It's bib, not beeb

Now here's where the talking gets tricky.

Kendra could say bib and tortoise ages ago (about 4 - 5 months ago) and has pronounced it like we do. Well, "tor-tor" is what they say.

Nanny V says "beeb" not "bib" and "tor-toys" instead of "tor-tis" so now the kids are pronouncing the words like that too.

Not surprising since they spend a gazillion hours every weekday with her.

It was funny in the beginning but not so much any more.

We'd fix the pronunciation over the weekend and then on Monday, Kendra would be all "beeb" "beeb" again.

I must add that Kendra is very correct. I don't know where she gets this. Maybe from V?

Before she starts eating, her tray must be wiped (!) and she must have on her "beeb" :) (okay, couldn't resist).

If by chance, I dare to start feeding her without her bib, she goes frantic, "Mummy! Daddy! Bib!"

Will she figure all the words out eventually or have a weird mixed accent one day?

Has anyone else had this experience?

P.S. D went to a parenting talk on twin discipline tonight (we split up and I'll go to the Love Languages one in March - remember, no evening babysitters.) and announces when he gets home, "those munchkins won't know what hit them tomorrow morning. things are going to be a lot different around here". I laughed and laughed. As you know he is the softy :)

Spanking

I'm dipping my toes into the controversial subject of spanking.

I personally was spanked when I was growing up (I don't think very much so it obviously did what it was intended to do) and I didn't know any different.

Also there's the whole spare the rod and spoil the child thing from the Bible.

So I thought, "obviously we will spank".

This was in the days when I thought having kids was going to be easy.

Ha!

Then I started watching Dr Phil and heard his view which is that you need to find your child's currency and that spanking teaches kids that it's okay to hit others.

Again I reserved judgement since we had no kids.

Well, along came the kids and recently, the discipline thing reared its ugly head.

I have smacked the hand of both C and K once or twice after saying my firm "no" and removing the kids/ distractions/ etc. didn't work.

I think it's more the shock value than anything that stopped the behaviour (something like pulling sister's hair).

D then smacked C's hand a few days later and he smacked D back!

Glad I wasn't there because I know it's wrong but I would have laughed.

But what do you do?

Do you have the patience of a saint because I don't?!

Yesterday I got food spat at me by a very naughty K after faffing around with her food for ages with V (she seriously was in top form and I can't abide disrespect) and good thing my hands were busy so I got up, closed the dish and went to put it in the fridge so that I was walking away.

I do know the difference between playfulness and disrespect with my K, just by the way.

Anyway, please tell me what you do to discipline your kids, how you feel about spanking or not, and why you feel strongly either way. As you know, this is a safe place to share respectfully.

Another question for those with nannies which could also apply to those who have other people (moms/ MIL looking after your babies). I'm asking you what my friend (who spanks) asked me - do you allow your nanny to discipline your kid/s? What are your instructions to her?

Honestly, I'm clueless since D & I haven't decided. V does know my hot buttons (disrespect and I don't give in, ever) and I've told her to never, ever, ever give into the tantrums - she needs to leave the child thrashing around on the floor and walk away. So far so good :)