Accepting and organising help with babies

The lovely laidback PJ (sooooo not like me which is why I love reading her blog LOL) is expecting twin girls and asked a question on her blog:

what helped you the most when family came to "help". Did they do dishes, diapers, feedings? Some of everything? and... how did you schedule it? Was it one parent at a time? Did you stagger them? Did it add to the stress of newborns, or did it help to alleviate stress?

It is infinitely more frustrating for me to have people around not doing anything (this is a big weakness of mine in that under stress I often see people as resources and not as people) than to be alone and do it all myself.

This is why some of my friends might remember me saying, "rather pay for a nanny/ maid so that you can boss them around without any guilt" LOL

I felt more frustrated in that first month alone with the babies because my mother was there but also I had to ask for help (another one of my big weaknesses).

Once the nanny started in September (babies were 8 weeks old), things calmed down a lot. She knew she was there to do x, y and z, and I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty about telling her what to do.

There are already some GREAT comments on her blog.

This is what I wrote:

Oh wow - what great comments.

My advice is to discuss with your hubby what kind of help you need and then clarify that with all your visitors right now.

This will change once the babies are there and you actually know what it's like (LOL) but at least the discussion has been opened.

This whole thing was a complete disaster for us which is why I speak from experience.

We ASSUMED my mother would know what to do - well, I moaned at my sister that she was doing nothing and my sister said she probably didn't want to interfere! So then we started saying, can you give K her bottle or please hold C while I do x.

For the next visit, I resorted to my normal bossy self. I did my menu plan and said I'll cook on these days, will you cook on these days?

And so on...

D's job was to boss his mother. She stays in the city but he would say, if you want to visit you have to do everything so had her changing, feeding, bathing, playing with babies. Even I *blushed* at the bolshiness!

All that to say this:

1. clarify expectations upfront
2. farm out things you're comfortable with (I did all their bottles myself because I'm a control freak) - like laundry and cooking
3. keep communicating
4. for other visitors, tell them to bring a meal or pick up muffins/ croissants on the way - then you don't have to worry about feeding them. Schedule visits around feeding time (if you're bottle feeding) so a visitor can feed a baby - they take forever in the beginning, not a 5-minute job like it is now

and above all else, they are YOUR babies. You're allowed to ask for what you need (sleep, etc) so that you enjoy them better.

I ended up making bottles up to 10 am (I still do so today) so that D and my mother could do the early morning and I could sleep in.

Email me for more specific things - I have TONS more but am already hogging comments.

Like have less clothes because it means less laundry! Forces you to not procrastinate and useful for "Oh, the babies are nearly out of babygrows, can you do a load?" LOL

P.S. What is your motherstyle? (my blog from Friday)

My question to all of you is similar but I want to know this -

What did you do that had the best results and what would you absolutely never, ever, ever do again?

Mine? I would definitely not assume that what we were thinking and what the visitor was thinking was the same thing with regards to "helping out with the babies".

I've realised since that what most people mean about "helping out" is holding a baby but STILL expecting us to "entertain" them (offer food and drinks and have us make it all).

What I now tell people is to be upfront and say, "please help yourself to tea/ coffee and muffins. I really need to get started with the laundry" or similar.

The best thing I did was make a list of meals and who cooks what, when. Eventually after about two weeks, my mother and I fell into a routine of me putting on the laundry and her hanging it out.

It happened because she thought using the tumble dryer was wasteful (true - but I was just trying to survive, not trying to be green or save money, and the tumble dryer was the quickest thing with the least amount of effort).

What did you do with close family visitors that had the best results and what would you absolutely never, ever, ever do again?

P.S. I loved a commenter's suggestion about getting grocery gift cards and handing out shopping lists with a gift card to people who offered help! BRILLIANT and gets them out the house for an hour or so :)