Support group 2 - Sept

When I was checking to see if the previous post looked okay, I realised that I didn't tell you about the second one.

Well, it was on 3 September already! *shock*

We were a smaller group than last time and because I knew most of those people from last time, I was a lot more comfortable.

Even when I got the questions!

Because the fact is, we're believing God to heal us and having sex. That's it!

For most people, this means we're doing nothing. But I've gotten okay with that. I have realised that every situation is different and so is every couple. And I just don't feel okay with IVF right now. I don't disagree with it; I just don't think it's for us. I don't know if it ever will be.

And this time, there was a lady who was similar to me. She said she knew she could never go through with IVF and just decided to forget about the whole baby thing (due to personal reasons - someone close to her got very sick). Four years later, she was pregnant and now has a gorgeous son.

So I felt like I wasn't that weird.

The other day I read on Boho's blog about how she found the medical experience after her laparoscopy for endometriosis so cold. And so one-sided in that they almost force you to just go for heavy-duty IVF while you're still reeling from the shock of the whole thing.

Of course, I relate so well.

She got lots of support in the comments and fortunately, she's very strong so I know she'll stand up for what she believes is right for her body and family.

Next group will be first week in October and I've told my friend I'll go again.

Um, remember me?

I've been so pathetic at posting to this blog, it's unreal!

I've thought of closing and deleting this blog so many times but something keeps me leaving it open.

You see, I'm venturing out of the closet very slowly and I must say, it's FREEING! Yes, there are lots of questions but the people who are comfortable talking to me talk and the others kind of mumble a platitude and leave it at that. Which suits me just fine!

The only thing is I don't know how to handle the questions.

So where are you guys with treatment? Um, nowhere

Well, what are you doing? Nothing

Then there's the confused look to which I give a sweet smile that says, that's enough for now :-)

Support group

I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote on this blog - shocking!

I went to my first support group nearly 3 weeks ago. I went with my friend and altogether there were about 14 of us there - some 3 with secondary infertility and the rest battling to have just one.

It was a very interesting evening!

On the one hand it was really good to know that we are all in the same boat. I know the stats, 1 in 6 couples battle to have a baby, but the thing is, I don't know where these 1's are all hanging out! And whether they have unexplained infertility, male factor, female factor or both.

So hearing all the ladies' stories was very good. Every condition under the sun was represented there.

On the other hand, it was very draining to hear all the stories. I function well about 95% of the time and try to live as full a life aside from this as possible. So to hear all of this for 3 hours straight is a bit much for me. We were crying and laughing together. It was just very emotional.

But here's the thing I want to write about:

I noticed as the ladies were sharing that there was a common thread - control! We all exhibited some serious control freak tendencies and I kept thinking, "surely I'm not that bad". It was the strangest thing - I could see how some of them were battling and yet I kept thinking, "I am nowhere near as bad as all of these guys."

Or maybe that's my problem - I'm just avoiding the topic and these ladies are actually doing something about their infertility. I don't know. I'm still not sure that I'll go back but I'll let you know.

Blog kindness
Someone on an infertility blog got pregnant and she offered up her books to anyone who wanted them. So I commented and she sent them to me. Two gorgeous thick books and some chocolate (for the PMS) which I am sharing with my friend. I am so touched at this lady's kindness - she doesn't know me from a bar of soap and she refused to let me pay for the postage!

BTW, my friend has resigned from work so that she can de-stress and focus on getting pregnant!

Oh my word

Thanks so much for your comment the other day.

I phoned my gynae to check how I'm supposed to take the progesterone and she says from day 14 to 28 each cycle. I've just been taking them all along so I stopped immediately!

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In other news, my sister has asked me to be her son's godmother. I'm not into all this traditional stuff but I know it's a big thing for her so I graciously accepted :)

Sister: A and I would like you to be K's godmother

Me: What does that mean? I have to look after him if you die?

Sister: Leigh!

LOL - at least I can still laugh. Right?!

Normal again!

So the entire period lasted 5 days instead of 11 days.

Pain? Only took 6 Nurofen instead of my usual 16 - 18! Huge, huge victory.

The progesterone is clearly working.


Does anybody know if you're supposed to take the progesterone every single day of your cycle or just on days 14 - 28?

I will phone the gynae but just thought I'd ask. I thought it was every single day but don't know why I'm now doubting!

For the first time in a year

I am having a normal period!


The progesterone has probably worked because I am on track. I had a 29-day cycle - haven't had anything beyond 21 days for a year, and before that, it was 25-26 days max.


And the period started immediately (not a week of nothingness like before).

So things are looking up :-)

Baby stuff

I read this gorgeous post on babies that I wanted to share with you and I asked the lady to please pray that this is my experience too.

And then... there's an interesting discussion going on at Tertia's blog. Be sure to read comments - that's where it all starts.

What do you think?

Friday's feast - 22 June 2007

Appetizer
Name a funny habit you have.
Only one??? When I arrive home from work, I immediately go to the bathroom to wash my hands.

When I get into bed at night, I take off my rings and put on handcream. Then I read the Bible and my other book and before putting out the lights, put on some more hand cream.

You want more? Keep reading the blog :-)

Soup
If you could instantly know how to play a musical instrument, which one would you pick?
Drums. Without a doubt. It just looks soooo cool!

Salad
How long is your hair?
Shoulder length. You know about a bad hair day? I’ve actually had a bad number of hair years. Used to keep my hair longer but it just looks disgusting.

Main Course
When was the last time you forgave someone, and who was it?

1. Every day I choose to forgive in many little ways.
2. I forgive the guy who cuts in front of me in the traffic, forcing me to slam on my brakes and nearly get rear-ended.
3. I forgive the people who send me rude emails about my business.
4. And I can go on and on…
   

Dessert
What is your favorite kitchen appliance?
My scale. I’m on a weight-loss journey (yes, still am) and it keeps me more or less on track. I’m not good at judging portion size so I prefer to weigh everything.

After the scale, my water filter and then my kettle for endless cups of tea and coffee

Friday's feast - 15 June 2007

Appetizer
Fill in the blank: The best thing about where I live is _________________…
The best thing about where I live (place) are the cold, dry winters and (house) lots of space. I crave space and freedom to just be. Of course, we did buy this house (3 bedrooms) so that one of these rooms could be the baby's. I'm not giving up hope though.

Soup
Create a new name for a deodorant== (like “Flower Fresh” or “Shower Scent”).
I am definitely not the creative type so I'd call it something like shower fresh or powder fresh.

Salad
What was the last piece of software you installed onto your computer?
Some freeware to try designing buttons and so forth. Could also be the reason the computer slowed up so much and is now at the shop where they're checking for viruses.

Main Course
If you were to receive a superlative award today beginning with the words ”Most likely to…”, what would the rest of the phrase say?
Depends who you ask. At work, I'm the most likely to do all the human stuff. Organise the birthdays, celebrations, make muffins for the team (only 7 of us - don't know how I'd feel about it if we were a bigger dept), take photos, stay in touch with past team members, and so on. The HR aspect, you know.

Everyone else would say ....be organised ;)

Dessert
What two colors do you like to wear together?
Well, it's winter now so I like orange and brown, or green and brown. In summer, I like greens and cream (cool colours for these hot summers)

Now, good night everyone. It's 10.40 pm and I'm ready to get to bed with my book :-)

Update on the weird cycles

Remember the weird cycles?

I phoned for my blood results and everything was normal - thank God for that.

So now I'm on the progesterone. So far so good. This is only day 5 and she warned me that I could have swollen breasts and uterine area - so far nothing much. Apparently I must reduce my salt intake as that will help with the swelling.

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My work colleague (previously UPO) came in yesterday after her 6-week check-up since the baby's been born. She looks fabulous - all glossy hair and glowing skin. And the best? She is sooo happy with her baby. A bit sad for me but I'm more happy for her.

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My sister's also doing well. She's very quiet so not the type to say I LOVE THIS SO MUCH or anything like that. Just everything's fine, no problems, etc. Boring, I know. But I'm the one who talks in exclamation marks!!!

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I found an infertility support group through a blog I read and emailed the ladies for more details. Next meeting is 26 June. I can't go because I double-booked myself for some church work on the same night and I just don't cancel things like that. But I'm not sure if I want to go - when I read the forums sometimes, it brings me down and I like to try and stay positive, you know?

So we'll see. I have asked my friend (also babyless at the mo) if she wants to come, so we'll take it as it comes...

but enough about me - how are you doing today?

My blogging story

I see there's something cool going around the blogosphere so I'm a day late but who's counting. Chilihead (?) is hosting this blogging carnival where you tell your blog story.

How did you start blogging?
I'd already been blogging on a business blog and I felt like I wanted a place to be private about infertility and other work stuff. I mean, we all know the Dooce story, right?!

So off I went to blogger and made another blog.

Did you intend to be a blog w/a big following?
Ha ha ha

Now that I've picked myself up off the floor :), this blog has always been a private place for me. A place to get out the thousand and one thoughts flying around my head about infertility and if I'm cursed to not have a child...

There are about 3 people that visit here and of course, it would be nice to be in a bigger community but that was never the focus of this blog. On the others, yes.

I do want to start reaching out more but I'm sort-of stuck in the middle because we know we've had the infertility diagnosis but we haven't gone the expensive, medical route yet. I think that's why I keep reading Boho - she's probably the only person I know online who is also not pursuing IVF. And I'm saying yet - I don't know what next month or the month after that will hold. This is a step-by-step thing.

If so, how did you go about it?
See above.

What do you hope to achieve or accomplish with your blog? Have you been successful? If not, do you have a plan to achieve those goals?
My goal was to have a private place to vent and get cheap therapy. That has worked.

Now, my goal is to reach out more to other people. The best plan I think is to start participating in memes and reading more infertile blogs.

Has the focus of your blog changed since you started blogging? How?
No, not really.

What do you know now that you wish you'd known when you started?
That people can be amazingly supportive and on the flip side, that people can be really hurtful (not to me - I'm just saying)

Do you make money with your blog?
Um, no. Totally not interested.

Does your immediate or extended family know about your blog? If so, do they read it? If not, why?
No, I tell no-one about this blog. I know that some people who read the other blog know/ guess about this one but I have not told anyone.

What two pieces of advice would you give to a new blogger?

1. Know why you want to blog so that you're not distracted by the information overload in the blogosphere. I get the feeling that lots of bloggers try to "copy" others and that does not work. You have to remain true to your own voice and your own style.
2. Don't get obsessed by the stats, comments, etc. Keep your life in balance. At the end of the day, your real relationships are what matter.

Friday's Feast #9 - 1 June 2007

Appetizer
Name something you think is “the best.”
Reading, sleeping, drinking coffee, babies, blogging, etc...



Soup
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 highest), how stressed are you today?
2 - last night was a different story (see previous post) but now it's nothing major


Salad
What kind of cleanser do you use to wash your face?
A liquid facewash that removes oil! I have an combination-oily skin so it's oil-free everything. But I've been told that oily skin is better than dry skin because it doesn't wrinkle as easily. Knew there had to be a benefit somewhere :-)


Main Course
Tonight is a blue moon! What is something that you believe only happens “once in a blue moon.”
I used to think love. But now I think you can definitely find love again and again.



Dessert
When was the last time it rained where you live?
I honestly don't know. Probably a few weeks ago.

MS, not PMS

Business has really been stressing me out lately.

I sent out a reminder email on Monday - an offer I'd just launched with a special to my subscriber base - had only a few more days before it expired. Well, I got 3 "unsubscribes" in the next 24 hours!

So I was quite depressed, thinking what is the point of this business and other thoughts along those lines. And I got absolutely no sales whatsoever.

Now do you know how hard I work to get people on the mailing list? I have to think of new things constantly so it's sad when I get unsubscribes.

I know that when I'm premenstrual everything seems out of proportion. I'm actually menstrual (I know, TMI!) so does that excuse still count?

So yesterday I sent the monthly newsletter and more unsubscribes. My word - what am I doing wrong?? I actually worked so hard on the newsletter and it was barely sent when a couple of emails came in unsubscribing so I just put my head on this desk and cried!

It's so sad.

However, today I took a chance and just sent an email with one of my e-courses to about 10 people who are not on my list but I know are kind-of interested and one lady sent me an email back saying, yes, she wants to buy, how does she go about it?

And I have an organising client tomorrow.

A small sliver of encouragement in a horrible week business-wise.

Discerning thieves?

Someone stole my apple and orange off my desk last night.

I am very cross because I specifically didn’t bring fruit today, knowing that I’d left yesterday’s fruit here. However, my vitamins lying right next to it are still there.

I think I'd have more respect if they took everything. Grrr.

Update

I've been a bit quiet but everything is still fine, well even.

baby news
my sister's baby boy was born yesterday. both mom and baby are doing very well. i'm so happy for her. she is a little sore from the caesar but everything else is fine.

no, i'm not jealous. really.

weird cycles
i've been having weird cycles the last two months. in the past i used to have 5-day cycles with day 1 quite light and then days 2 and 3 very heavy and painful, days 4 & 5 easing off to ...nothing!

the weird cycles go like this - i start bleeding (like the old day 1) for 5 - 7 days, then I have heavy, painful days for another 2 - 3 days, and then the easing off. as a result, it's been 10/11 days, and then a break of only 21 days and then it all starts again!

gynae
so I went to the gynae this week and she said that it sounds like I may not have enough progesterone. sent me for blood tests and prescribed a course of progesterone which i'm to start on day 14 of the next cycle.

can you believe i forgot to phone them for the results??? i can't either. so i will phone them on monday!

business
business is picking up slowly - had two requests for coaching this week. although i had to cancel a workshop i was going to do due to no interest. had 3 phone calls for the forms and bank details but no actual bookings.

weird thing is i have lots of requests to do joint ventures with other solo-preneurs (love this word) and they seem to generate lots of pr but no clients out of that. strange and very annoying.

blogging
read a beautiful poem posted by bohemian girl a day or two ago which so echoed what i feel.

i am blogging regularly on the other public blogs which is taking up all my time so i seem to be neglecting this one.

i have thought of just deleting this whole blog but something keeps holding me back. i think it's because i like the anonymity of this one.

will post the blood test results on monday.

Friday's feast #8 - 18 May 2007

Appetizer
List 3 emotions you experienced this week.
Gratitude - I got a coaching client and a request for more info
Excitement - I saw another job I applied for. It's a virtual position so that could be interesting.
Happiness - finished another e-course this week and I had a 98% open rate on my last HTML newsletter. Apparently this is very good?

Soup
Name a car you’d love to have.
I'm not like that with cars. I buy what I want at the time and when I'm ready for another, I'll buy another one. But! I don't buy expensive cars because cars are not assets.

Salad
Describe your typical morning routine.
I have it down to like 20 minutes because I do everything possible at night. I am not a morning person. And that is an understatement.

Wake up, stumble to bathroom with eyes half shut, wash, weigh (!), get dressed. Then I grab my lunch from the fridge, set the alarm, grab my handbag and I'm outta there.

You can see why I do everything possible at night!


Main Course
Have you ever emailed someone famous?
If so, who, and what did you say to them? Did they reply?
You mean famous bloggers? That's about as famous as it gets with me. The nicer ones did ;)

Dessert
Do you listen to podcasts? If so, which ones?
Yes, I do - not regularly, but when the topic interests me.
I listen to www.escapefromcubiclenation.com

Speaking of work...

I realised the other day that my business is really not doing all that well.

Somebody who reads the blog (the business blog) emailed me and asked me to give her some tips on starting her business. So we were e-chatting and I told her that mine is very part-time at this point. And if I were to go full-time it wouldn't even pay 10% of my current salary.

So then I got to thinking - oh my word. I'm spending hours on the business every week. Now don't get me wrong - I love what I do - but I wonder if it should just stay a hobby and I should carry on in the corporate world forever.

I'm hoping that it's just a transition and that things will pick up. I bought an online success book and am working through all the steps. My numbers on my list are growing but I can't say the clients are really growing. So because I don't have many clients, I design products, write articles. If you look at the stuff I have out, it looks like everything is going well and sometimes I feel like a fake.

Oh well, I'll let you know how it turns out.

Friday's feast #7 - 11 May 2007

Appetizer
Tell about a time when you had to be brave.
Whenever I have to do something outside of my comfort zone. Now I don’t mind confrontation (in fact, I quite like getting things sorted out) so people stuff like that don’t bother me.

I suppose it’s when I have to do something that may potentially embarrass me.

Somebody’s asked me to put together a product with them and we need to do some audio for that. So I suppose if I accept I will have to be brave. We are in different countries so I wonder if her people will understand my accent!

Soup
Which upcoming movie are you excited about seeing?
The next romantic comedy to be released. I haven’t really looked at the papers for awhile…

Salad
Name an item you try to always have on hand.
Me personally? Water and an apple. I always have these with me. And it’s a Granny Smith apple – sour, crisp and deliciously crunchy.

And a notebook and pen.

Main Course
Imagine the most relaxing room you can think of. Now describe it!
There is a soothing pastel colour on the walls, like mint-green, pastel blue or pastel yellow. Or a nice shade of brown. Definitely wooden floors and lots of space. Comfy chairs with throws and reading lamps where I can just sit and read…….

Dessert
On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being highest), how spiritual or religious are you?
I would say it fluctuates between 7 and 8. I’m born-again, but not religious. Does that make sense? It’s about a relationship with Jesus, not doing rituals just for tradition’s sake.
I always have to work at the Bible reading and prayer but worship and listening to God come quite easily to me.

Go here for more feasts

The job - part 2

Here is part 1

Anyway so with this interview I was my usual self and they were very controlled with their responses. I could tell the one guy liked me straight away but couldn’t tell with the other two. I mean they asked why I wanted the position and I said… I don’t know that I do. I’m very happy where I am – my current position suits my personality (and explained). I had a real “whatever” attitude and it wasn’t fake – I really didn’t give a toss. I also realized that this is not the type of work I want to do (more product development and I’m good at relationship & operational stuff). And of course, I hate the traffic so the commute wasn’t calling my name. But I wanted to take it through to the end to see what kind of package they would offer me.

They were supposed to only notify me on the Tuesday afternoon earliest BUT I’d only been back at the office for an hour when I got a phone call that I’d been shortlisted again. Oh no! They wanted me back the next Wed; I said I couldn’t do it until the following Tuesday. I mean – can you believe the chutzpah? (My husband says people like me make him sick – normal people have to look for ages for decent jobs and these things just fall into my lap. Well, not really but I know what he means).

But then God started dealing with me. I felt HUGE unease and I’m not the best Christian under the sun with regular praying and so forth but I do know when the peace of God leaves me. And it left me – BIG TIME. E.g. I don’t EVER have trouble sleeping. And I mean EVER. But suddenly I was tossing and turning at night, mind racing, etc. Stuff that just doesn’t happen to me. And the pit in my stomach – not nice at all.

So I had a nice chat with my DH and he agreed that I shouldn’t go ahead. Because I know once they start waving mega bucks in front of my greedy little eyes, I’ll start dreaming about IVFs, handbags, holidays and so forth. And then I wouldn’t be able to make a proper decision.

I wrote one of my nice emails to them withdrawing my application (this is not the right time in my life), thank you and sorry for inconvenience. And then I spoke to the HR guy who was very disappointed. But I told myself, “do not justify anything” so I bit my tongue and shut up until we ended the call.

So that’s my job story. The peace is amazing and I slept like a baby afterwards!

The job - part 1

I’ve been trying to find time to blog this since the weekend. And now finally I have a chance.

One of my clients sent an email out to a number of her contacts asking if we knew of anyone who was interested in applying for a position at her company. Personally I feel like she wanted us to apply but didn’t want to be seen to be “poaching” us if we got the job as we have some joint ventures with this particular company. Anyway, so I applied. I thought, “let’s throw it out there and see what happens”.

This was in February. So I hear nothing for a month and thought nothing of it because I’m not really looking, you know. But then a by the way at the end of one of our conversations and she says, “you have been shortlisted”. Okay….

Then again weeks go by and nothing. Then one afternoon I get a call from her. The HR person has been trying to get hold of me and can’t seem to get hold of me. I’m like, “really? That’s strange. Because if I don’t answer, my cell phone goes to voicemail.” Anyway I confirmed all my details and that was that.

So finally he phones me and we make the interview for Thursday 26 April. I arrive at the interview 5 minutes late (they have a gazillion buildings and I went to the wrong one first). Interesting thing happened though. I was at the correct reception eventually and the HR guy sees me and calls my name. He recognized me from my photo on my CV (I totally forgot that was on there and it is very out of date – 2 years old – but I’ve been told the photo makes me look older. I only left it on there because it’s the only one of me in “work clothes (a suit)”.

Now I don’t mean to boast – I really don’t (hear my heart please) – but I do very well in interviews. I’ve always been a confident, self-assured person and I have no trouble at all being interviewed by one or a number of people. In fact I prefer panel interviews (my view is I get all the people over and done with at one time) and this time it was one of those – there were 3 people.

Another thing – in all my years of working I’ve only been to one interview where I wasn’t offered the position (and that was an internal position so company politics prevailed). I’ve heard that your CV (resume) must make you stand out from the pack so mine looks very different - first of all, it’s not the same, boring things like the other 101 people applying for the same position. And secondly, I have the picture and some interesting things on there. They are either going to love me or hate me and if they still want to see me, we’re going to get along great.

So then the interview. I am always brutally honest – some would say to my detriment. You know all the things you’re not supposed to do in an interview? Yeah well, I do them. My view is that if there are issues, they better come out now. Because if I start working with you, if something was irritating you about me, it is going to get worse J And also I interview right back. At the end when they ask if there are any questions, I always have a couple and I go for it. I check what type of personalities the boss has (I can’t stand controlling, micro-managing people) and what the team culture is (hate the clock-watching type of companies) and so on.

I'll post part 2 tomorrow.

But in the meantime, what are you like in an interview?