I'm cold and heartless

Then as I’m catching up with my blog reading, I found out that Tertia’s pregnant. Tertia is the one who had twins after 9 IVFs. Now here is the part that is still confusing to me. Intellectually I was happy for her because all baby news is good news, right? And yet. A big part of me felt nothing – or maybe a tiny bit of jealousy. I honestly can’t explain it.

I copied the link (she didn’t give away anything in the subject line) and sent it to my other trying-to-get-pregnant friend and all I said was “read this”. Then later, I tried to explain how I felt about it – huge shock, slight happiness for her, mainly disbelief. I think my heart is hardening and I’m becoming a cold, cynical person. And this is not me. So it scares me.

I think it was because if this woman, having been through 9 IVFs with all her medical history, could fall pregnant just by having sex, then I must be doing something wrong. I don’t have half the problems and we can’t even get that right.

I am also becoming judgmental which is also not me. I find myself thinking that others don’t deserve babies, or why do other people feel like they have the right to complain about not getting pregnant after just a month or two?! I used to regularly read a blog and this lady announced that they were going to start trying. After two months, she said that she had no more patience so they bought the ovulation kits to time things better. And the next month she was pregnant. So I stopped reading her blog. Silly? Yes, of course it is.

Today I learnt that Tertia went for a scan today and there was no heartbeat - the baby’s dead. It’s so terrible but at the time, again nothing. Absolutely nothing but a tiny bit of sadness. She just blogged one line. And I saw the 100 comments and thought, “at least there are other normal people to support her”. It’s only now that I’m typing this that I’m crying a little. This is why I blog – to get the stuff swirling around in my head out somewhere so I don’t go crazy. I also can’t explain things very well when I try to talk about very emotional things. But I find I can make sense of my feelings better when I write/ type them.

I used to be known for being a thoughtful, caring type of person. So this weekend in church I prayed to God that He softens my heart again.

I want to be me again.