How infertility messed me up emotionally

I've shared often on this blog how I'm not a girly-girl.

Not in clothes and certainly not in the groups of women friends normal women have.

I'm very friendly and can chat with anyone but at school and at varsity I had 2 - 3 close friends that I shared things with, and that was that.

Aside from being dumped by two friends, I haven't had any real friend drama, I think because I used to have a thick skin.

Friend 1 dumped me because I told her her boyfriend was cheating on her. She is now married to him and I have NO doubt he's still cheating on her but let's move on.

Friend 2 dumped me for no apparent reason. She dumped everyone, seriously everyone, family and all her friends because she went a bit psycho. This was my best friend at university, who stayed two doors down in the res (residence) from me.

Other than that, no issues.

Then I became infertile.

Suddenly I had all these feelings going on inside that I couldn't really talk to anyone about, not even D. As a man he felt a smidgeon of it but certainly nothing like the way I felt my body was broken, I was a failure, etc.

Slowly I learned the "infertile nod".

That's when you tentatively start chatting about things, get to the subject of children, and you both have a knowing that you're both infertile.

You test the waters and give each other the "infertile nod".

That's what happened with "my friend with the twins", C, and I.

We worked together, became friendly, got chatting and discovered we both wanted children desperately.

C dragged me to the infertility support group promising "we don't ever have to go back if they're weird".

Because I was scared of opening up, of sharing how I really felt, of being vulnerable in a room full of strangers.

That first time, I still thought everybody was a bit weird but they seemed so at ease with their stories that I was willing to come back one more time.

Until I was there every single time, except when I was travelling.

And I got more and more comfortable with sharing, with opening up, with becoming vulnerable.

I like to think I made a lot of really good friends in that group.

All that opening up made it easy for me to share my story with anyone who needed a bit of encouragement (not just at the group).

You'd think that was good news now that I wasn't as closed-off emotionally.

But you'd be wrong.

I'm still open and vulnerable but I feel like all my friends have crossed over the river of infertility and are safe and dry on the other side, well-adjusted.

Almost like they opened a little box in their heart, let their feelings out while they were waiting, and now they've locked the little boxes in their hearts and everything's safe and well again.

And me? Well, I'm this open, gaping, emotional mess.

I value connection and, while this is hard for me to say, I'm not getting what I need.

There I said it.

I was praying about this a few weeks ago and God reminded me that He is enough for me.

I know that, a bit too intellectually, but... I do know that.

Still, I need people too; talking back to God is not always as fun :)

Then I prayed again - this time that He would send a special someone into my life to meet my friendship needs. Or change relationships. Whatever He feels like doing.

So I wait...

And that is yet another way infertility messed me up emotionally.

For anybody who battled to have a baby, how has infertility messed you up?

P.S. I've just signed up for Mondo Beyondo. This is going on my Mondo list. There's a special today only, for just $49. Is anybody going to join me in January?