Expectations & weigh less

I specifically wrote that post last night because I've been thinking a lot about expectations.

How days like birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas can be less than because of our expectations.

Or rather, my expectations.

I build the occasion up in my mind so that when the actual day happens it is nowhere near what I wanted it to be and I'm disappointed.

Well, I'm tired of living with disappointment so I'd prefer to expect almost nothing, just lots of ordinary moments.

I've also been known to expect people to treat me the way I treat them, which of course, doesn't happen.

I've been thinking how I actually have FABULOUS days all the time and I need to celebrate them more.

I do think one of my good qualities is that I can see the bright side in almost any situation and I do that, but I need to do it with the special occasions too.

My friend, Nat, had a birthday earlier this month and when I phoned her (just for you, Mandy P) to wish her a happy birthday, she said she's been LOVING her birthday.

People phoning the whole day, interrupting her lunch with her hubby, etc. Having a ball.

I remember thinking, "now that's how it should be" and so I think this year I will celebrate if just one person remembers me.



Then, in other news, today was session 2 with the personal trainer.

And... it went much better. That could either mean I'm getting used to working so hard or it wasn't as sore because we worked on different areas of the body.

Either way, it's all good.

He also weighed me and his scale is a horribly lying one. Then again, it was 3:45 and I'd already eaten quite a bit today.

However, no excuses.

I've decided that I'm not working so hard at the gym only to mess things up here at home by being all loosey goosey with my food.

Don't you love that word?!

So at supper time, I hauled out my Weigh-Less file to check portion sizes (always my issue) and weighed exactly 140 g of pasta to have with my healthy bolognaise sauce (with lentils).

And I'll be planning my meals properly from now onwards, like I used to when I very successfully lost 5 kg on WL.

My spreadsheet is ready and waiting :)

The "funny" thing is last time my start weight was 59 and I ended on 54. This time I'll be happy with 59 and very happy with 56 - 57.

How perspective changes things!

How was your Monday?

P.S. I'm on a course at work for two days and I haven't done the pre-work but on the bright side, my inbox is empty and I'm good at making things up on the spur of the moment. Should be fun.

Journalling my final reverb prompts

Edited to add:

Hey, it's National Delurking Day and I'd love to hear from you if you never comment.

Your comment seriously makes my day - I love it!

Tell me something about yourself, like what's your favourite movie/ love song/ blog/ book, or if you could live in another country for a year or two, where would you go and why? (money is no option - let's dream big!)

***********************************

Confession - when I said on my last reverb post that this would probably take me til mid-Jan, I secretly thought, "aaah, I'm sure I will finish it sooner" and yet, here I am, at my self-imposed deadline.

Shame, I know nobody's interested in these posts but it's very therapeutic for me.

December 22 – Travel How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? (Author: Tara Hunt)

Only 315 km to Clarens and 1100 km to PE.

I would like to do 4 trips total next year - a short overnight or weekend away with D (that's going to be our prep to leave the babies for a longer trip), a nice holiday with the babies for about 4 days, and then our overseas trip somewhere in Europe (where we don't need visas!) and then a nice long family holiday, maybe on the KZN north coast in Dec.

BTW, I'm not one to practise doing things. E.g. D likes to start getting up a little earlier as our leave ends. I sleep late right until work starts and just force myself to adapt on the day. Different styles.

What's your preferred option?

Lots of travel, just like I like it.

Although I also have a Mondo goal of paying off the house this year....scares me to even say it.

December 23 – New Name Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? (Author: Becca Wilcott)

I love the names Saskia and Maxine. They just sound sassy and full of strop. It would be fun to get into another character for a day. Almost like reinventing yourself, but just for a little bit.

BTW, all the answers to this prompt, everybody said, "oh, I love my name" and to that I say.... HOGWASH :)

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? (Author: Kate Inglis)
This happens such a lot with me but I need to learn to trust more. And let go.

Whenever I'm stressing about something, there's a really gentle reminder from God that things are always going to be okay. Always.

In the infertility years I seriously stressed about how we were going to pay for an IVF. (If you have nothing better to do, read the blog archives) And yet, when the time came, I changed my questions and God showed me lots of ways to have the money.

That's a money example - maybe it's for someone.

But it happens also with things that weigh heavy on my heart, like friendships. I just feel like "nobody loves me" and out of the blue, I'll get a lovely email or text that I need at that very moment, a gentle reminder that things are going to be okay.

Or with the business, when I think, "dear Lord, am I ever going to make decent money at this?", and a couple of orders will pop into my inbox or there'll be a request for coaching. I don't get very many enquiries which is how I've set it up but I do convert about 90% of those who email me.

So, incorporating that into this year? I need to stop when I start to get negative and just relax and trust, knowing that, as they always do, things will be fine.

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, etc.

while not the best pics in the world, I love these two taken by D because we were playing around and having fun and not many people get to see the playful side

and this is the one from the photo shoot that now graces all my business cards and website...

I love that I wore purple. It is my colour, or so I've been told. I feel confident, calm and centred in this pic. Hopefully it inspires confidence in other people that I know what I'm talking about.

She did a great job and the minute I lose the weight I want to, I'm booking another mini shoot for full-length pics in suits for my speaking pages, and I also want some pics of me in a tight black, long-sleeved t-shirt, sitting against something :)

December 26 – Soul Food What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul? (Author: Elise Marie Collins)

Mmmm, tamarind chicken. Yummy - made by my brother and then I ordered it at a Thai restaurant because I liked it so much. That one was also good but not as good as my brother's. My mouth is watering at the thought of the salty-sweetness :)

I asked D and he said my potato lentil curry - I love this man!

December 27 – Ordinary Joy Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year? (Author: Brené Brown)

This kind of thing. Getting on the floor with the babies, chasing them around, hearing giggles and belly laughs and then also, the quiet talking to them. I love it - they are little PEOPLE.



December 28 – Achieve What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today. (Author: Tara [...]

The one thing I most want to achieve is to feel excited and raring to go like I used to. I feel kind of blah but I'm hoping it's just a phase so I'm doing my normal bit which is to persevere and read things that inspire me (like your blog, Julia) and take care of myself.

I have an inkling that it's because I'm holding back a bit to protect myself.

And then, on the list - to write a book. Now that I've put it out there a couple of times, I'm starting to get scared. Why? I have no idea - I have no problems writing and have 25 e-books out but I think it's the thought of an actual print book that people can critique. Eeek. Or that I will do this thing that means so much to me and nobody will care. I know that not many people care about the subject matter; I mean care that I've done this thing.

My goal this month (a mini-goal of course) is to decide on a topic. That's it. The deciding part of anything is always the most painful for me. Once I get there and have the clarity, I'm all systems go and I know I will churn out the content in no time at all.

I told D 3 weeks - ha! I do like to put pressure on myself but won't it be lovely to just nestle in for 3 - 4 weekends once the weather cools and write for hours on end each day with warm cups of tea. Mmmm. Can't wait.


December 29 – Defining Moment Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year. (Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice)

• Going to Sister Lilian's parenting workshop
• Reading Motherstyles
• A conversation I had with my boss about two weeks ago. I don't feel like I want to share just yet - I need to feel safer

December 30 – Gift Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? (Author: Holly Root)

Little snippets of loveliness from so many of you reading.

Sometimes you leave sweet comments that mean such a lot and I do reply and thank you but I hope you know they mean the world to me even though on my side it may just seem like mere words.

I've seen on two blogs that comments really make their day. I'd venture to say that their love language is words of affirmation, as is one of mine.

And then there are the gifts which are so very precious to me - like when D sees I am tired, cross, stressed and makes me a cup of tea without me saying a word, or just getting a hug, or when Connor (my least affectionate child) comes to me without being prompted and does that thing with the lips that means he wants a kiss, or when Kendra who is Ms Independent, flings herself at me, nestles her head in my neck and gives me a lovely hug, with the sounds too. Mmmm. Lovely.

December 31 – Core Story What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.) (Author: Molly O’Neill)

This is an interesting prompt.

I have always been that girl encouraging and cheerleading others, sharing advice when needed, guiding, lovingly giving a kick in the pants :) and celebrating others' successes.

I used to have an A4 laminated piece of paper above my desk with, "I motivate and inspire people to reach their goals and live their potential". Maybe I need to put that piece of paper back. I'm sure it's somewhere.

Over the years I thought I'd moved away into organising and time management and business coaching.

This year I rebranded slightly and you know what?

I am still that girl. Time management is the way you will reach your goals and live your potential.

There is NOTHING (not even my kids) that thrills me more that to see people living their dreams.

I believe this is my purpose in life and the way that I do that is through speaking and coaching.

I mentioned before that I've signed up for Mondo Beyondo (see button on my left sidebar <---). Today's lesson was so, so beautiful - it left me teary as I'm realising once again the power of dreams and having those dreams fulfilled.

On one level I'm being inspired and on another level I'm so enjoying being in this community of honesty and authenticity.

One of my biggest fears is dying without having fulfilled my purpose. I don't want to settle. And so I will live courageously, encouraging, coaching, inspiring, motivating and hopefully impacting my corner of the world in a positive way.

Reverb - week 3. Or 21 down 10 to go :)

December 15 – 5 Minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

• how awesome it felt to be sleeping again
• how good it is to be on top of my game at work, without the mushy brain of new motherhood
• the sense of acceptance and okay-ness I had when I read Motherstyles
• the cuteness, awesomeness, love, laughter that we've shared with K & C
• how far I've come along in letting go
• having some truly awesome coaching clients who have achieved great things (books! and other)
• being on TV
• speaking for Big Corporate
• the beach holiday
• the beauty of Clarens
• the ease of the photoshoot
• meeting and connecting with so many wonderful people all over the world through this blog

(I set my timer for 5 mins; only a minute and a half have elapsed but I'm done)

December 16 – Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (Author: Martha Mihalick)

This is a tough one.

1) There is my friend M with our "triplet". Every time I'm tempted to complain I remember what she goes through with her M and I get grateful for our healthy babies. She's unknowingly changed my perspective to always be grateful that my two don't have to go for the 3 or 4 therapies M goes to on a regular basis. Remember they were all 3 born at 32 weeks so it could so very easily have been us.

2) Friendship in general has been 1 part wonderful and 4 parts horribly disappointing. I'd say I had quite a rude awakening this year and have mulled over these things far too much. Like why do people not seem to care about me as much as I care about them, etc, etc. Very draining!

I'm learning (very slowly, I might add) that I just need to let go. Let go of expectations, let go of yearning, just let go.

December 17 – Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)

That I am much, much stronger than I ever thought I was. I already started applying this lesson, but when I'm tempted to think, "oh no, I can't" I just draw on my reserves and do it.

I also learned that I am an inspiration for some people. This thrills me so much when people tell me as it is very lonely being me. Here I am, doing my thing (weekly newsletter, blog, etc), and never getting feedback about anything so when someone tells me how something I said changed how they do things, it honestly blesses me.

It's that starfish thing - if I can just make a difference in one person's life, it's enough for me. But I have to know that. One day I felt compelled to write a rather unusual topic for the newsletter. It felt like I was speaking to someone and I asked the people to write and tell me.

Well, it was meant for one lady who wrote back with the loveliest email. I still have it on the other computer.

December 18 – Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

I really, really want to travel internationally this year. I love travel so much. Wonderful Boss and I had lovely chats the past two weeks since we were the only ones in the office. One day we talked for about 30 mins on travel, what it is that compels us to do it, etc, etc.

The only thing I have just a smidgeon of regret about not doing this year is hiring a personal trainer. But that happens on Tuesday so I'm not too worried.

December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)

What healed me this year was Motherstyles. I know a lot of you think I'm crazy about this book (I am!) but for me, it's a big thing to know that I'm not alone. That book set me free to be the person I am and the mother I am for these babies.

Something else happened recently too but I'm not ready to share that yet. Another "I am not alone" moment that was quite a big aha for me.

In 2011, I would like to be healed of the open heart/ friendship thing. It is not me to feel so needy and I decided I'm done with that. I have decided on some boundaries to protect my heart and hope and pray that I'm strong and courageous enough to keep them firm.

Do I sound hard and callous?

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)

Probably just not going full force with my marketing efforts. Or not marketing smarter. I just didn't feel like I wanted to be too visible which is rubbish but, well, there it is. I'm being honest.

Then again, I am very proud of keeping to my time boundaries. I always feel like I practise what I preach and if I tell my clients to build a business around their dream life, then I need to be living that too, and in 2010, I definitely did.

December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) (Author: Jenny Blake)

Gosh, 5 years from now I'll be 41. The babies will be 6! D and I will be married 21 years!

Hopefully the kind of advice I'd give myself would be similar to what I say to myself now. Things like...

• You are awesome just the way you are
• Continue speaking life and encouragement to others
• Celebrate every accomplishment, whether big or small.
  
• Life out loud.
• Don't be scared to take risks because a life lived on eggshells is one not worth living.
• Slow down, relax more.
  

BTW, I can't do this "write a note to your younger self" things - I am way too literal and have not a scrap of imagination.

Did any of those questions make you reflect on your own life?

Old hurts (2)

Continuation of yesterday's part 1

Anyway, the PA and sidekick then started with the insubordination towards me. I did what I could. Eventually we gave them a written warning which stayed on their files for 6 months.

I'd also been wanting a change work-wise and started applying for positions internally.

The quality of my work had not dropped during all this time (if it had to happen now, I think it may affect me more since I'm a lot softer inside) but I did feel that somehow I couldn't quite fix the relationships with the bosses (I felt like they thought I was not a team player because I stood up for that girl).

Nothing was said to me though.

Eventually a job came up, I was well suited to it, was the right sort of person and I got offered the job.

I accepted it and while we were negotiating start dates, the new boss said something like, "Current boss said they've earmarked PA to take over your role so I don't think it's going to be a problem to move on 1 Feb".

I was floored for a number of reasons:

• a bit insulted that a PA was going to take over my admin manager job (pride!)
• VERY HURT that they'd canoodled behind my back (I'm so transparent that just the thought of it makes me cringe, even now)
  

I felt then like there'd been this whole conspiracy to get me out of the department, like the new job was engineered just for me (weird things happen in corporate - the job may have needed to be done but they could have written the job spec with me in mind, with all my qualifications, experience, skillsets, etc. so I would be the "perfect" person and get it) just so PA could be head honcho without me there.

That was hurt number 1.

And then when I actually left the dept, they didn't even throw me a farewell which still brings tears to my eyes right now as I'm typing this. It is standard to do that and we'd always done it for anyone else. The PA was in charge of the event stuff so I'm sure she played a big part in this .

It made me feel like everything I'd done there in my 5 years meant nothing to them.

That's hurt number 2.

I stayed in the new department for 3 months and then left to come to my current company. That is not part of this story.

Those people treated me better in 3 months than the other people did in 5 years. They threw me a beautiful farewell. Not 1 of my old team pitched or tried to do anything for me.

Hurt number 3.

So I left that company with very mixed feelings, mostly a lot of hurt but excitement at the new job.

I thought I'd put all of it behind me.

I had made sure to block common friends from my facebook and I happily haven't thought of her for years and years.

But now? I think God's trying to tell me it's time to let go of these old hurts.

She works at one of our partner companies and they've just moved onto our premises (we have 3 buildings - they're in the furthest one from me) so this is all coming back to me.

And "my friend with the twins" works at the same company and reports to her.

We had lunch yesterday and I said to her afterwards, "I need to work out my issues because this is hampering my freedom".

I love going to that building, beautiful views, good canteen, etc. and now I don't want to go up there because I may run into the PA.

She (my friend) has not seen any sign of what I experienced (and many others - it's not just me - I'm just telling my side of the story, because the victimisation and craziness continued long after I'd left) and I'm sure she doubts the intensity of the story. I think I would too if I didn't know how honest and objective I normally am.

I'd asked D before, "could she have changed?" and he says straight out, "no way. she's two-faced".

But my friend said, "life is too short for all this drama" and I agree. Intellectually.

I know I should move on but how?

I honestly thought I was over it but I get stomach cramps thinking of running into her.

That time was so, so painful for me.

I asked D last night how I should do this and he said, "in your own time, when you're ready".

The thing is, all of us have meetings across the 3 buildings and it's a matter of time before I run into her.

I'm self-aware enough to know that I'd prefer the first meeting to be on my terms.

What are your suggestions?

By the way, I don't for a minute blame the PA for all the hurts. I know the bosses had lots to do with it and everyone has free will. Anyone of the remaining staff could have chosen differently and, in fact, one did.

P.S. Gosh, if you're still reading, congratulations and thank you for listening to me talk.

Old hurts (1)

This is me journalling...

I like to think that if you know me even a little bit, you know what type of person I am.

I can honestly say I don't get into issues with people but there is one person I have issues with.

We worked together at my previous company - she was PA to the big boss and my boss, and I was the admin manager.

While she didn't report to me, I was senior and if her two bosses weren't in, she had to ask me if she wanted to leave early, come in late, etc. Since it was a sales division and those two were often playing golf and entertaining brokers, I was, in essence, almost a 3rd boss.

We started off well enough, not best friends, but friendly enough. The same way I'm friendly with most people.

When I first started there I worked on my own and after about 7 months, I was promoted and had 2 staff reporting to me.

There was a slight change as the girls in the office realised I'm not on their level (well, I never was but the promotion further reinforced it) but still friendly enough.

One of the girls was then victimised.

At that point I stayed out of everything and just did my job. I must say it was easy because I had a separate office and only came into the main open-plan office for tea/ lunch/ photocopying, etc.

That girl left because it was terrible coming to work every day. When she said hello, they'd ignore her. When she asked a business question, they'd ignore her and she'd be forced to scramble, look up files and such to get the same information someone could just have answered her about.

Terrible.

So after she left, I took on her job while they looked for a suitable replacement. As well as doing my own job.

I loved it because I was learning, I was busy, I got to deal with difficult people (brokers) so I was challenged and I excelled.

By the end of the year I was again promoted. Clearly the bosses thought so too as I got my biggest % increase of my whole life.

I also got the rest of the office girls reporting to me, except for the PA.

So this was fine except that the PA was the ringleader. She was excellent at stirring and manipulating and leading the pack.

They'd employed a replacement for the other girl and I'd stopped doing the extra work just before my promotion.

At first (for a good year or so) things with this other girl were fine and then the victimisation started again.

This time it was one of my staff and I don't allow nonsense like that.

Something else had also happened. My fantastic boss who employed me emigrated to Australia (!) and they got in someone who I thought I would get along famously with (we worked well together when I didn't report to him) but in fact, didn't.

This guy was seriously manipulated by the PA and her sidekick. I actually told him once (in a joking way) but he could not see it.

These two basically wanted the girl out and started magnifying every little mistake and making mountains out of molehills, getting her into trouble more than she could do anything right.

She definitely wasn't without fault. She made mistakes but then again, as I later told HR, if my every move was under a microscope and I had people LOOKING for me to make one wrong move, even I (and I used to have fantastic attention to detail) would start making mistakes like that.

I stood up for her, tried to be as objective as possible but eventually 6 people against 2 just don't work. Especially when 2 of those 6 are more senior than you are.

It was going downhill fast and eventually she cracked and resigned cold. As she said to me, "no job is worth this emotional abuse". I agreed with her.

Fortunately she is fabulous (I had told her this many times before but when you're in a terrible situation you can't see it) and got a new job a month or so later.

She is still there today and is a top performer.

That just goes to show how everyone is a genius in the right place. (Mike Murdock)

Stay tuned...part 2 to follow tomorrow...

Rainy days

I've been feeling blah.

Like a balloon a few days after the party, all deflated and without energy.

I know intellectually that a large part of it is the end-of-year tiredness.

But also there's the job thing, the business thing and other personal stuff.

Too much busyness and not enough connection time.

I'm having my website redesigned and I am just a little bit scared. Okay, I lied. A lot scared.

The lady has sent me 3 banners so far, all of which are SO not me. I'm communicating as best I can without being rude and outright saying, "I hate it!"

I've never had this before. Usually one I don't like and then after I give feedback, we're back on track.

Last night after I gave feedback on design number 3, I quickly shut down my computer so that I don't have to see anything come back.

And then I prayed because seriously, God needs to intervene here.

Any designers reading? Do you have tips for me to communicate better with her? I've spoken about fonts, styles, colours, look and feel I'm going for. I honestly don't know what else to say. I gave examples of sites I loved, what I do like about my current site, what I don't. What else?

This morning I woke up to a clap of thunder.

It is POURING here today and as long-time readers know, I love the rain. I love grey skies. I love cold weather.

This is God giving me something to rejoice in today.

To meet Him halfway, I decided to take a different way to work, a slightly longer, much more scenic route.

I put on some worship music (my favourite is anything unplugged, live recordings with male voices), loud, and enjoyed the beauty.

I really should have pulled over to take some pics because it was just gorgeous.

I was in the depths of infertility when I first heard Elizabeth Gilbert on Oprah say something about appreciating small things in life, like when you go to the mailbox, really feel the sun on your body and soak it in.

I love hearing writers speak as they have a way of articulating everyday things and feelings so beautifully.

I determined then to start enjoying really small things since the big things like babies were out of my reach.

And this morning, driving in no traffic while there was a slight drizzle, listening to The Plain Truth worship God, looking at the trees, the views, the grey skies. Mmmm, it just filled me up.

Don't count your chickens

Remember I had that meeting with the big boss of that new dept?

It went well and they said they'd come back to me.

We spoke on Friday 1st and talked through a verbal offer.

I came back on the Monday and told them to go ahead with the letter and whatnot after seeing a dummy payslip.

After 4 days of waiting (yes, I'm slow) I figured something must be up so sent through a mail.

Get a meeting invite from HR as a response which can only mean bad things.

Long story short...

my non-negotiable, the increased job grade (and a resultant effect, increased salary), is a no-go.

I was, and still am, very disappointed. Especially since I thought the paperwork was

I absolutely believe that all of these "internal policies" would be a non-issue if I was a candidate outside the company.

For now, my best bet is sticking with my team.

I actually had the news on Friday already but it takes me time to process through things and think them all through.

Of course I sent the appropriate, professional email to all concerned to thank them, blah blah blah, to keep the doors open... but still, disappointed.

Off

I'm taking a few minutes to quickly empty my brain of some noise.

I've had a decidedly "off" day today.

The minute I arrived at work it started.

I had some feedback about my presentation on Thursday. I "sounded nervous" - probably true because I had not done enough prep - yet the feedback made me feel so blah.

Like how can I call myself a speaker and not do the speaking well?!

That was number 1.

Then I happened to look down at my to-do list and I saw I had to work on the PESTER analysis today.

Just the type of stuff I hate.

I'm not one for pondering "what if situations" to start off with and if you add to that the fact that quite honestly, everything in the world has an influence (direct and indirect) on our industry, this is a never-ending exercise. That is number 2.

I said this to my INTP colleague and she said, "that's why I love doing these" :)

Well, I'm about finite things (a very clear J) and this is just dragging me down. And strat is a month away. I'm determined to not let this stuff take over my life for the next month though.

Then other stupid things like how no matter if I lose a kilo or not, I still look 14 weeks pregnant as the weight disappears from my (already) non-existent boobs. Number 3.

And the fact that all my friends talk to one another on FB and no-one talks to me despite me talking to them. Number 4.

I know, I know, boohoo, there's bigger things in life.

EXACTLY.

Which bugs me even more.

What do I have to complain about? I have a wonderful husband, children, house, car (ok, it could be bigger but you know I have debt issues as in I hate it), nanny, etc.

I mailed D to say, "should I work late? I'm so stressed". He says, "sure, the kids will be fine not seeing you for a day and your stress levels will benefit".

So of course, I did exactly the opposite and realised it's ME that needs them in the afternoon - they don't even realise that I haven't been there until they see me.

Coming home was worth it - Connor is the best welcomer of people in the world. He smiles so big when he sees me and starts jumping up and down in excitement.

There is no point to this - I'm literally just journalling.

And now, I'm off to do an hour's work on this darn PESTER analysis before the Survivor finale (you've got to take your pleasures where you can get them).