Numb

No real queasiness yesterday which doesn't say anything one way or the other because Tuesday's queasiness didn't do a thing to those HCG levels.

Today we both went in at the crack of dawn (7:30 pm) to get my blood tested. I am getting to be a real pro with these needles as I hardly flinched :)

Sat in the waiting room for the results and when the nurse again said that Dr G was ready to see us, I knew that it was all over.

There are two waiting rooms - the main one is full of music and is warmer, sunnier and a lot more vibey. That's where we wait most of the time.

The second waiting room is cold in atmosphere and temperature, no magazines, no music, no nothing. We had to wait there for them to take us through to the doctor's office and I was freezine, both from the cold and from the impending news.

And yes, my beta had dropped further to 23.

I've been told to stop all the meds and wait for my period. Since it's coming down so slowly, they told me to only come in next Wed or on day 2 of my period, whichever comes first.

I am numb.

Beta down

I was so sick yesterday that I felt sure my beta would have at least doubled by today but alas, it dropped further from 57 to 38.

We'd decided that I would go in to the clinic early to get my blood drawn and DH would join me in time for our appt at 10:00.

Well, at 9:20 the nurse called me and said Dr G was ready to see me.

I knew that something was wrong because they tell you good news themselves and only make you see the doctor for the bad stuff (which is right, that's why they earn the big bucks).

So I have to continue with the meds and retest again on Friday.

Today I felt pregnant

Gee whiz - today was hard - bouts of queasiness almost the entire day.

Remember I am as healthy as a horse so am NEVER sick and what alerted me is I am off most of my food (that is a BIG sign because I love eating).

I couldn't drink more than a few sips of tea or coffee, water was fine and I didn't even want lunch but I forced myself to eat one slice of toast with avocado and cucumber.

I want healthy things only - I had salad for supper, no meat, and am EXHAUSTED. Have been yawning the entire day.

So dear ones, I'm off to bed because I have to get up really early tomorrow for my blood test. I know my levels will have increased, otherwise why on earth do I feel so terrible?!

On the bright side, I'm pregnant!


P.S. My friend also said 57 is not that low. She knows someone who had 38 and was pregnant with twins.

Anyway...i'll let you know the verdict tomorrow

Finally - D-day

I went for my blood test today and… I am pregnant!!!

BUT before you get all excited... they told me my HCG levels are “lower than we’d like” so I have to go for another blood test on Wed, by which time the levels need to have doubled or more!

Today my HCG level is 57 - how low is this anyway?

Of course, if they drop further then it means bad news.

But I am positive for the first time in a week …………..and I'm telling Baby Bean to GROW!

When she said, "you're pregnant" I said, "you're joking" - really I did. I still feel like it's a dream.

It was SUCH a shock because I took not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 pregnancy tests – all negative. Now I know why – my levels were too low to detect.

So next update on Wednesday - if you pray, pray for increasing HCG levels.

Today I was good

The discharge stopped sometime last night (which made me very happy even though I still only had one line on that stick) so this morning I decided to be good and not POAS.

Today my boobs are sore again - I don't know if that means anything - but I thought I'd throw it out there.

However, tomorrow I am peeing on that stick again. After all it will have been 48 hours and I read the inserts - they say "if you get a negative, wait 48 hours and test again".

Of course I'm not even supposed to be testing but I'm not patient and honestly, the doctors must know we're going to do it.

My favourite infertility blogger is pregnant. I'm still in shock but very hopeful for the rest of us!

Anyway, good night - I've been reading blogs too long. My head hurts.

I did it again

Yip, looks like I can't stop peeing on those sticks.

This morning I woke up bright and early again and dashed to the loo. Today only one line.

I agree with you, Blythe - it's the medication that's keeping all this at bay. The nurse said to NOT STOP the meds no matter WHAT happens. Okay, I get the picture!

I wrote this on Blythe's blog

I have told myself "if it's over it's over" but thankfully it is still just a brown discharge (TMI, sorry)

The nurse told us that because they pump us full of all these drugs to make our uterus nice and PLUMP! sometimes the ladies will shed a bit of it - it is nothing to worry about.

I will POAS (thanks Debbie for the IVF lingo translation) again tomorrow because our blood tests only get done on the 20th!

Blythe, what's your tummy looking like? Mine is huge and round like a ball - if I wasn't so vain, I'd take a pic!

P.S. I have the BEST girlfriends from the infertility support group - they've been praying and texting me to support me and that part's been great.

Work

There's something else on my mind besides babies (I'm actually quite glad about that) that I want to talk about.

I'm having a catch-up session with my boss tomorrow and one of the agenda points is a salary discussion. Of course I put that on the agenda.

He has to give me feedback on something I raised with him over a year ago. The fact that I'm underpaid according to our salary scales.

The only reason I stay is that freedom is one of my highest values and I get lots of freedom here - to do my job and to come and go as I please.

Actually, the other reason (which is fast growing old) is that I have to get this salary sorted out. Part of our recruitment processes here (is it the same where you live?) means that you have to disclose what you currently earn AND give a copy of your payslip.

I am GREAT in interviews and I stall as long as possible but then, I have to tell them and that's when everything goes south. I understand it perfectly - they're thinking "if you're such a quality candidate, then why on earth are they paying you so little?"

*sigh*

It happened because when I started here I was on a very low pay scale so even though these guys increased it by something like 36%, I never really caught up.

My thing is - why should I be penalised for them not sorting this out years ago?

what would you do in my situation?

Oh dear

Last night I went to the loo and there was a brownish discharge.

My heart stopped and I quickly told DH to turn on the lights (I'm lazy so I go straight to the loo instead of to the light switch first). I decided there and then to jump straight into bed.

This morning I woke at 6.30 (unheard of - my alarm's set for 7.15) and he told me I tossed and turned the whole night (I wasn't even aware because I slept soundly).

I peed on a stick straight away - one clear line and one very faint if you squint and look into the sun line. No discharge.

So far, so good.

But while at work, some more brown discharge. It's almost like I'm getting my periods...

This evening yet some more discharge so we just phoned the clinic (their literature says to phone if you're concerned so I made D phone!) and the nurse said it doesn't mean I'm not pregnant, but if it increases, to phone back tomorrow.

I've cried once since this little blip happened. Otherwise I feel kind of resigned. Today I was looking at the budget and thinking "HOW can we pay for another cycle?"

(I keep telling my little baby bean - you have ME as a parent and I'm a fighter so FIGHT! Shame, poor thing, the pressure!)

Tonight I spent hours reading (happy) infertility blogs - the ones who eventually got pregnant - to encourage me that it WILL happen.

Enough about me. How are you guys doing?

Infertility support group

My monthly support group on Monday was just fabulous - I felt fertile and like a "real" part of proceedings because I'd entered the secret club of IVF.

Coincidentally my friend who's pregnant with twins was wearing the exact same colours as I was. Of course, I took it as a "sign".

We were a smaller group than usual which was lovely because we could all talk a lot more! One of my friends (who's been encouraging me with text messages) was a bit "off" though - I think she felt left out with all the IVF talk. They can only afford to do theirs next year, around Feb/ March. I tried to draw her out, but nothing. So I'll send her some text messages.

One of the new girls is in the middle of an IVF cycle so we all said next time when we come back, the two of us will be pregnant.

The clinic gave us literature explaining that "there is nothing you can do to control the outcome" and "whether you stress out or relax won't affect the outcome", both of which make me feel a little out of control. Which, of course, I am!

I don't know how I should feel now - on the one hand, I'm trying to block it out but on the other hand, I feel like I don't want to get too excited. It's crazy!

I reconciled the budget today - what I do is a separate spreadsheet called baby. I kept track of exactly what I paid and when. It's so easy to forget how much it all costs when you're paying a bit here and a bit there. These 3 weeks of going through this IVF cycle cost us R34 000 (would have been R37500 if we got the medication from the clinic, and not from the pharmacy). That is crazy!

(BTW, did I tell you guys I'm in South Africa?)

There's no point to this post; I just wanted to keep you guys updated.

Goodnight!

(debbie, can't wait to hear your news!)

Embryo transfer done!

I can't believe it is DONE!

Surprisingly, I overslept a bit so we were about 10 minutes late. As usual though, the clinic was full of ladies there for scans.

I saw one of the ladies who also had her egg retrieval on Thursday. This was the lady who only got two eggs. It's true about quality over quantity because her two performed beautifully and came through the 3 days, and were also grade A eggs, so they were both transferred.

Now, me.

My one embryo was still beautiful but the other two exhibited some other weird signs, so even though they were behaving properly (as I'd been praying!), he said that they might look like that simply because of the ICSI. We can't be sure that they have actually fertilised normally. In fact, based on past experience (other women), they probably have something wrong with them.

So I'm like, "why don't we transfer them and if they fall off, then we'll know"

But this stopped me in my tracks.

If they transfer a dud, it will negatively affect the beautiful, perfect embryo.

And that we are all not prepared to do.

So they'll let those other two grow for another two days but for now, we have a bun in the oven!

My husband asked him what he was going to do with those two and I said, "they're going to throw our babies away" to which he said, "that's a very emotive statement".

Um, yes. Of course it is!

Anyway, I was just having fun with the doctor. He's not my usual Dr G - this one is very straight-laced and together so I can't resist :)

When we left his office to go to the theatre area, I ran into the third lady. We exchanged quick updates - she also only had 1 fertilised egg out of 5 and says to me, "now we know why we haven't been falling pregnant" which is a good way of looking at it.

I said that I'd see her downstairs but I didn't. I later found out from the nurse that they'd decided to do a day 5 transfer for her.

Now, for all you clever IVF people...why would they do that?

procedure
I drank 4 huge glasses of water before I was ready.

The nurse said, "there'll be slight discomfort" so I gave her my "look" and she laughed when she remembered. We'd had a whole debate on Thursday because in my view, all medical personnel say "discomfort" when in normal English, that means pain!

It wasn't too bad. I must say, after reading Sarah and Shelli's blogs about their transfers, I was a lot more scared.

This was my first time with my feet in stirrups! I was a bit nervous that I'd leak while they were pushing that thing down on my belly. Fortunately I didn't embarrass myself in that way BUT the first speculum flew out so I had to endure the insertion again.

I definitely felt the catheter go in and felt some pain but once they found the right spot it was okay. There was a flash as the embryo was transferred and that was that.

Good luck all around from the nurse, doctor and embryologist, and off I went to have a nice, big pee after reassurance that no, it couldn't "fall out".

So how are you guys doing?

Progesterone

My friend had progesterone injections in the bum for about 4 - 6 weeks after her transfer.

I was NOT looking forward to that but fortunately, they've given me Cyclogest, vaginal pessaries, 1 in the morning and 1 at night.

The night one is fine because I insert it right before I go to bed, and now that it's been weekend, I do the morning one and then relax in bed with my book and a cup of tea.

It's quite disgusting because it leaks (sorry if that is TMI but this is an infertility blog, right?!) but I'd rather have this than an injection every day.

What kind of progesterone are you getting?

God is a miracle-worker

First of all, thanks so much to all of you for your lovely comments yesterday. I really appreciate it :)

I was SO scared of phoning to find out the state of affairs this morning so I made my husband do it! Of course, I was thinking about it all the time so I was up bright and early (that is NOT me!) about 2 hours before we could make the phone call.

So he phones and...there are not 1, not 2, but 3 good-looking embryos. He kept repeating what they said so I could (kind-of) participate in the conversation and the moment I heard 3, I burst out crying from happiness.

I am amazed! Truly!

My God has come through for me yet again.

When I sent text messages to my 3 friends from the infertility support group, the one messaged back and said "tears are falling down my face at how good God is".

I couldn't have said it better myself.

So tomorrow we have to be there at 7:30 to meet with the doctor and then they put them back. This clinic doesn't put back more than 2 unless the woman is very old or there are lots of other problems. Since that's not me (at all of 34), we'll probably transfer 2.

More tomorrow...

The power of one

Guess what?

Only 1 of those 6 fertilised properly even though they did ICSI on all of them.

Dr G phoned me to say, "since we only got 6, we did ICSI on all of them". So much for "it doesn't matter about the quantity, it's all about the quality of the eggs". But that's why we're with him, right? Because he's a straight shooter!

there is one that they're not sure about - tomorrow or next day will tell more. The rest are duds. Dr G says there might be a sperm quality problem.

I have been crying on and off for the last 2 hours; I am just praying for that one to develop properly and make it to Sunday, and then to implant. I have red, swollen eyes and if it wasn't for my two meetings later, I'd go home because I'm in no place to talk to people.

My DH said, "at least there's one" - oh my word, does he not know that your chances are better with more.

If you pray, please pray for my one little embryo...thanks :)

Egg retrieval

Amazingly, I woke up easily (probably due to nerves) and we got to the clinic on time (well, 3 minutes early which is UNHEARD of for us).

Got the gowns to change into and was then shown to my bed where I had to fill in the usual forms.

This is now the 6th time I've been under anaesthetic, and only the first was regular stuff (wisdom teeth) because all the rest have been to mess around my womanly bits!

When the nurse took my blood pressure, I asked what it was (119/67) because "it's usually low" and when she told me, she said "it's probably elevated to normal range because you're a bit nervous"

YES - she got it in one!!!!

There were two other ladies there - I'd met the one on Tuesday - and I was first due to the timing of my trigger shot.

I was literally wheeled away, the doctor put in the IV and I woke up in the ward. I can't tell you how relieved I am at that because I was worried that I'd hear things and get more anxious.

They retrieved 6 eggs from my 10 follicles so I woke to find this on my hand:

I was tired so I slept for another 45 minutes and then forced myself awake. They don't let you go until you've eaten something and had a pee, so I had water, tea and some fruit.

By this time, the other ladies were also back and we started comparing notes (terrible!). I had 6 eggs, and the other two had 5 and 2.

I am in absolutely NO pain whatsoever and except for STILL feeling a bit whoozy (8 hours later), you wouldn't even know that my insides had been poked and prodded.

Pray for fertilisation and then for beautiful dividing embryos :)

I've got to phone them tomorrow at 10 to see how my "babies" are doing so I'll report back then.

Tomorrow is the big day

Well...the big day for me.

I am petrified of the "conscious sedation" and really hope I fall asleep - I don't want to hear a THING!

I had my blood test today (some more drama - they couldn't find the nurse and I sat around waiting for 50 minutes!) and tomorrow I have to be there bright and early at 7am!

Which means I have to go sleep - I'm already past the "goal" bedtime I'd set for myself (9:30pm) because like you, Debbie, I need LOTS of sleep :)

So goodnight, everybody, pray for me (and Blythe) tomorrow and for the retrieval of lots of beautiful healthy eggs.

Also paid the last bits of this cycle's money - for the retrieval, ICSI and the embryo transfer on Sunday. It is SCARY how much this is costing - as my husband says, it's only money!

P.S. Christi, I didn't get your email yet - can't wait to read it. It's leigh1010 AT gmail DOT com :)

Drama drama drama

Yesterday while at the clinic the nurse asked if I'd be getting my medication from them or from my pharmacy.

She said phone them and check if they have it first because you've got to have it tonight so nothing can go wrong. Fair enough.

So I phoned and read each of the medications out, dosage and number of boxes, and yes, they had everything.

Later when I got back to work, I faxed the prescription and then phoned and they said they had everything and it was all in order.

I got there at about 5.20 pm and they brought my medicines. Well, while she was tapping away on her computer, I checked everything and they only had ONE of the TWO boxes I needed for the trigger shot.

I pointed this out so she went to look and they had no other boxes. I started freaking out like this - "but this is PRECISELY why I phoned first before I even left the clinic". And "I need that stuff tonight" - I've spent thousands on this thing and it can't go wrong now.

Remember all the normal pharmacies are closed (this one is HUGE) and so is my clinic. So the girl starts phoning every. single. pharmacy within a 30km radius and not one has a box of this stuff (Ovidrel).

So at about 5.45 I phoned the clinic's emergency line and left a message so they could page whoever was on duty. Usually they phone back within minutes but of course, not this time.

I'd vaguely remembered the nurse saying something about Pregnyl so I asked them if they had that. They did!

After 5 minutes, I phoned Dr G himself (even though it was Jewish holidays) and he said I could have 10 000 units of Pregnyl instead. Apparently Pregnyl is better than the other one but is now discontinued so you actually can't get it anywhere.

So that's what I got.

The minute I left the pharmacy I burst into tears - I couldn't believe that it could all come down to this - lack of attention to detail from the pharmacy.

The Ovidrel was going to be mixed and administered subcutaneously but Dr G said this stuff has to be done intra muscularly (in the bum) so he suggested I go to the clinic where I had my laparotomy.

That part all went fine - the nurse jabbed me quickly and relatively painlessly. And on time (7.25) - she said we could be 15 mins early or late but absolutely no later!

Hello Christy

Christy, I've been trying to find a way to email you or comment on your blog, to no avail.

I so appreciate you reading my story and I'd love to reciprocate.

Can you send me your blog address?

Thanks XXX

It's hotting up!

Today my follicles were 19mm and 18mm so they are gorgeous and ready!

Tonight we have to do the trigger shot which means I have to go to the pharmacy for some MORE medication.

I'd heard things on the internet (again, bad internet!) that it is a HUGE shot in the bum so was relieved to find that this is the small needle, again in the tummy, or as they say, "administered subcutaneously" LOL

I am feeling heavy down there but then I thought about it and I'm not surprised because remember there are 10 follicles of nearly 2cm each! I'm probably a kilo heavier which is why I have not weighed myself for days (why subject myself to torture?).

So the retrieval happens on Thursday morning. We have to be there bright and early at 7am (dear Lord, how on EARTH am I going to do it?) because they have to take them at 7.30 (it is timed with military precision, apparently). No food or liquids from midnight. I'll be done and awake by 9am.

Then they'll mix it all up, do the ICSI with some and we WILL have beautiful eggs to put back on Sunday. Things are moving so fast now (as my one friend says, "you'll be puking by Halloween")

The nurse today was ABSOLUTELY wonderful. She is the first one that has been so positive..."you're doing so well and blah blah blah on 20 October we're going to do the test and it's going to be positive"

Yesssss! I like that :)

In other news, I ran into a girl from the infertility support group at the clinic which was LOVELY - we caught up before they summoned her - and I "recruited" another one, who is also on her first IVF.

Today's action plan - collect medication, have sex (they told us to do it tonight and then nothing until his "sample" on Thursday because they want fresh, healthy sperm), do the trigger shot and relax.

How are you all doing?

Day 9

Scan update:

It was so cute to see the follicles getting bigger - they are getting to look like real eggs now (at least to my untrained eye).

Today they are at 15mm + (that's what he said)

We are waiting to get them to 18mm and that's when the fun starts :)

I've realised no matter what time I get to the clinic in the mornings I am in for a 45-minute session.

Poor Dr G got to me at 8:30 and I was there at 7:48 and already he looked harried, like he'd had a full day's work :). Then there's the meeting with the nurses and today's injection.

Today I was clever - I started mixing all the goodies while waiting for the nurse to call me back so it all went quickly.

No change in the medication although after tomorrow, I am out and will have to buy some more. I'm hoping that I won't need any.

Something other than babies for a change

Debbie tagged me for the 7 random things tag.



Hmmm?

1. My absolute favourite drink is a cold glass of water (but no ice-cubes - that's too cold) with a couple of slices of lemon. Yummmy!
2. I make the best sandwiches EVER. Well, according to me and my husband. I think the secret is I'm adventurous with ingredients, I like trying out different textures and I don't skimp on the fillings.
3. I'm actually enjoying the mixing of all the IVF medications. I think it's my Chemistry background :) but playing with all these syringes is kind of fun.
4. When I like something, I buy a LOT of it. For instance, I recently discovered the MOST comfortable panties ever and since I only got two pairs, I went back to buy another 3 pairs in different colours. Which explains my 7 pairs of the exact same socks and my identical bras :)
5. My favourite movie EVER is My best friend's wedding. No matter how foul a mood I'm in, watching that movie makes me laugh so much. My favourite laughing scene is the one where Kim meets the Rupert Everett character! Love it! And my favourite sad scene is the one right at the end where that lovely song (the way you look tonight) plays.
6. While we're on the subject of movies, I LOVE movies with beautiful houses. I keep watching Something's Gotta Give just to see that house :)
7. For such a productive person (me), I love nothing more than to lie around on the weekend, reading a book for HOURS on end. Everything else can wait (eating, showering, cleaning) while I'm absorbed in a good book.

Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Write 7 random things about yourself
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post and link to them
4. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog

Over to you - Sarah, Blythe, Mindi and whoever else wants to participate :)

Day 7 scan

Just a quick update:

I had 7 follicles in the left ovary and 3 in the right. They are at 12mm (apparently they should grow at about 2mm per day) so the deed will happen this week!

It's so exciting!

Next scan - Monday for day 9 - and hopefully ovaries behaving perfectly :)

Day 4 - a bit of a wobble

Yesterday, we had a bit of a wobble because we couldn't remember how to mix the Luveris and the Gonal-F.

We messed a bit of the liquid and it was not very elegant like it has been up to now.

So I gave the nurse on duty a call and she explained how to do it differently this morning and today it all worked beautifully!

I actually studied Chemistry so all that's coming in useful with all the mixing!

Weird - the things we think of.

The next event happens on Saturday (day 7) when they check if things are happening as they're supposed to.

I'm still feeling very calm about the whole thing.

Amazingly, we're "rewarding ourselves" by going out to eat all the time - we both feel we deserve it. Me, for being a brave girl and DH for being a good Injector LOL :)

Day 2 and the start of the heavy-duty injections

The clinic does the scans between 7:00 and 7:30 in the morning and we only left our house at 7:10!

I think the pressure of driving fast through the traffic helped to keep my mind off the impending injections. That and listening to Praise and Worship CDs in my car.

When we arrived, the waiting room was FULL of people and an entire page was already full of names and I was number 6 on the second page.

That's probably because we were so late.

Anyway, got scanned and my endometrium was 3mm (that's good) and I had no cysts, so it's all systems go.

Went to have a blood test to check progesterone and oestrogen levels.

And then the nurse showed us how to mix all that stuff and administered the first injection.

Now here's where I realise I'm an idiot. The big needle that I was so scared of is only the mixing needle; we use a needle the same size as the Lucrin one for these injections. It's called a 1 mm bore needle.

So the injection was fine - it just leaves a bit of a scar/ welt on my tummy because there's such a lot of liquid to inject and it has to remain on the spot for a long time (compared to the Lucrin).

Things are absolutely fine so far!

So much for 15 days!

From the start of the injections, we calculated and it was supposed to be 15 days. And that's why I said in the last post, 1 down, 14 to go.

Well...it didn't quite work out like that.

I was still on Minulette and my last pill finished on the Monday evening. The nurse said, "your period should start immediately or after 2 days".

My stubborn period waited a WHOLE 5 days - I first saw signs on Saturday afternoon at 1:30.

I actually phoned them on the Thursday to say, "am I abnormal? Why is my period not coming?" (I do realise the craziness of that statement because all I do want is a missed period LOL)

When it arrived, I phoned their emergency paging service and asked the nurse on duty if day 2 was the Sunday or the Monday. It was the Monday, so that's when I had to go in for my scan and start the heavy-duty injections.

So, we did the Lucrin for 10 days before going for the day 2 scan.

Upping the ante and why the internet is BAD

I'm getting my medication from the pharmacy, not from the clinic because it's MUCH cheaper this way, and our medical insurance doesn't cover infertility treatment.

So I went to the pharmacy a couple of days after starting the Lucrin to get the Gonal-F and the Luveris. While he's at the back getting the one medication, I happened to open one of the boxes to see what it all looked like.

My heart started pounding and I thought I was going to pass out at the size of the needle. They were HUGE and I suddenly thought, "I seriously want to stop this treatment now because I can't do this".

Well, I was in a right state that evening and went onto the internet to check it all out.

Big mistake.

There are lots of good things about the internet (I personally would go crazy without it) but looking up medical things is not good. There is too much information and your imagination can go crazy.

Anyway, I landed on the Sperm Jesters blog, clicked through on some Youtube videos where girls were giving themselves the injections and if I wasn't scared before, that scared me like nothing else.

Even the Sperm Jester lady wrote about how she numbs the area, distracts herself with TV and then needs a hot water bottle. Oh my word; this is not good!

Would it surprise you to know that I had a nightmare that evening that a nurse was chasing me with not one, but TWO of those gigantic needles?

Woke up in a cold sweat the next day and that was the first time the Lucrin injection REALLY hurt. I think it was because I was so tense and anxious. I even ended up having a good cry.

The good thing about me is I have excellent powers of "blocking out" things. So I threw all that medication into a bag and put it in a corner of our bedroom and proceeded to block it out until I absolutely needed to deal with it again (on day 2).

I am finally there

We are finally "there". By "there" I mean doing the IVF thing.

It's taken me over a year of thinking about it and it's just over 3 and a half years of trying.

I can't believe how calm I feel.

I guess that I needed all that time to get to this point because I don't feel in the least bit anxious - somehow I know that God's with us on this, whatever the outcome, because I feel His presence.

Today's day 1 of the injection and we went in this morning so the nurse could teach us how to do it. I couldn't even look at it so my hubby did it. And he did it beautifully - much better that the nurse in the hospital.

I hardly felt the needle go in, there was a slight burn and then it was over.

One down, 14 to go!

Preparing for IVF

So my period came earlier than expected which accelerated things.

Had to have an urgent appointment with the fertility co-ordinator - got scanned and everything was fine (whatever they were looking for), and then got a whole SHEAF of forms and everything was explained to us.

The costs are exorbitant - thank goodness for my annual performance bonus which covers 86% of it all. Then someone from our infertility group told us we should get a prescription and buy the medication from the pharmacy and not from the infertility centre. I worked it all out and we can save 20% if we do it this way. Yay!

I have to go on the Pill (weird when you think you're TRYING TO FALL PREGNANT) but at least there's method in the madness.

The injections start on day 18 so have until then to gear myself up!

I do feel that this is the right timing so I'll be fine because I am emotionally prepared (or so I think).

The quickest way

Well, we had my follow-up appointment today (my birthday, btw) and things went about as I expected.

Dr G repeated some of the information he told me after the surgery .

We got to see pictures of my insides (I had to disassociate because there is nothing more gross for a squeamish person like me than seeing things like that - ughh!) and had the entire explanation.

I had a whole list of questions ready, like...

when can we have sex?

can I go to gym? and the most important,

what is the quickest way to have a baby?

So the quickest way is to do IVF, with ICSI. Our sperm are not bad, but since we don't have money to waste, we're prepared to pay extra and do ICSI to make sure some of those eggs fertilise.

Then the question, "when do you want to start".

I said, "right now". So off to get scanned but my follicles had already started developing so we have to wait till the next period.

At least there's a plan!

Stitches!

Discharge day at long last. Nothing but NOTHING would keep me from being discharged :)

I didn't sleep well because I kept feeling anxious about the stitches coming out (more later).

Dr G came nice and early at about 6:00 am, checked the wound and pronounced me fit to be discharged.

He also told the nurse to remove my stitches. Now all my previous ops were with my old doctor who only removed stitches one week after surgery. At that point they were nice and dry and I hardly felt when she took them out.

Except for last time's laparotomy. I swear I was feeling totally fine (well, it was a week later so compared to the first couple of days post-op) and then I went to have my stitches removed.

She placed her hand over the long cut, took one end of the cotton (or whatever they call it) and pulled. OH MY WORD - I have never felt pain like that. Even now, typing, I can still feel it.

Then I felt like I'd regressed. I was back on those pain meds for that day and about 3 days afterwards.

Anyway, so the night nurse had too much to do before her shift ended at 7 and she told the new nurse to take them out.

Before she did, I tried to take some pics and also asked the nurse to take some pics. If you're squeamish, close your browser now!




Disgusting, I know.

This nurse took SUCH a long time that I actually started wondering if the quick and painful wasn't better because this was LONG! Anyway, they were out and just to be sure, I took some pain tablets :)

Oh, by the way, just before Dr G left, he says, "phone the office on Monday to make your follow-up appointment, and let's get you pregnant"

YES! that put a smile on my face :)

So the physio came to do her thing (as usual I had no problems), they brought us breakfast, I phoned D to collect me and off I went home.

I so badly wanted to get out of there that I put on socks and shoes and my sweatshirt over my pajamas - I figured I'm getting right into bed once I get home so why waste time? :)

Everybody warned me that it was COLD outside and ...it was. I love the cold so it felt SO GOOD to be outside with FRESH air touching my cheeks!

Good times

Thursday 10 July

Woke up at the crack of dawn again but no problems sleeping. Didn't even need any painkillers - well, when have I ever had problems sleeping? Maybe 3 times tops in my life!

Dr G came to see us at 6am again. This time, he said I could have mixed liquids - woohooo - which means something with a bit more substance like yoghurts, proper fruit juices with pulp, etc.

So for breakfast I had tropical fruit juice, a yoghurt and a small glass of ensure. I am now convinced that "you are what you eat" because finally getting more substantial food inside of me made me feel 10 times better!

The physio also came and this time I was even more mobile. Really, the only thing impeding my mobility was the stupid drip.

D brought the laptop cord last night so after all the morning stuff was over, I plugged in my laptop and modem and checked emails at home and at work. The internet speed was SUPER FAST which was so great! I was feeling so good that I even sent out an email to my mailing list which prompted a TON of extra mail with all the well wishes and virtual cards. So nice!

I caught up on Google Reader and generally spent a good 4 - 5 hours connecting with the outside world via the internet.

When I got tired, I read some more books...

My husband warned me that my MIL would be visiting. I hate having visitors when I'm sick and she knows this but of course, it's all about other people, isn't it?

The only reason why I put up with it this time was because it gave me something to do for the endless hours that stretch on and on while you're confined to a hospital bed.

I seriously don't know how people do the bed rest thing.

Lunch was more ensure, another glass of juice and some more broth (which I didn't even bother with). My neighbour's kind husband bought me a lovely yoghurt drink which I had instead and that was absolutely delicious - thick, full of fruit and substantial!

The visit actually wasn't that bad and she was quite sweet - brought me a HUGE bag of chocolates "I know you only eat Nestle" (actually, I only eat Cadbury's!) and 2 magazines. I was doing NOTHING to make them keep me any longer so I distributed all the chocolates to the nurses, my neighbour and her husband, my other visitors, etc.

Then I had a delivery of a HUGE bunch of flowers from a friend - soooo sweet of her.

And my friend came to visit. She confirmed that she was pregnant and later of course, we found out that she is now having twins. Lovely visit - we caught up, I introduced her to my neighbour and we chatted infertility for a while before I closed the curtain so she could rest.

The nurse then came around to stick the needle in my belly but this time I was prepared and I negotiated beautifully if I do say so myself. No needle in exchange for me walking up and down a couple of times in the ward. Done! The point was to prevent clotting - clotting happens when you lie around and do nothing, so in my mind it was absolutely clear.

I think I was probably one of the only people ever to have kicked up a fuss about the needles because all the nurses were like, "I heard that you refused the injection. Let me give it to you - I give nice injections". Um, no - thanks, but REALLY, no thanks!

D popped in after work and we spent a couple of hours kissing and talking. People are always surprised at how affectionate we are after 13 years of marriage. We're actually toning it down in public!

Supper was yet more ensure and juice, and jelly and custard!

Read a lot again and then went to sleep.

Overall a good day and only one sleep before I'm released from "hospital prison" :)

3 forms of torture

Wed 9 July

An amazing thing happens whenever I've been in the hospital.

I wake up easily at 5 o'clock! This is SOOO not me as I'm more the 11:00 gal :)

I woke, was still not allowed to have anything (not even water) until the doctor came to see me, so I just read my book.

Dr G arrived around 6am, checked my wound and told the nurse that I was allowed to have water and clear liquids.

So that's what I had the whole day - apple juice (I actually really hate clear juices - I like chunky juices with bits of fruit in them), black tea or coffee (I think I had about 3 sips before just giving up - there is no point to tea or coffee without milk), clear broth and in the evening, a tiny bit of jelly.

BORING.

And because I usually eat so well, I was listless and not myself at all. I had absolutely no energy and didn't even feel like talking (then you really know that I'm not well). My poor husband said I looked very pale to which I said, "you would too if you'd had water the whole day!"

So that's torture 1.

A lady came to fit us with "beautiful" orthopaedic socks so that we wouldn't have varicose veins from all the bed rest. A complete waste of time in my opinion but as I said, I was not my usual spunky self so I had no fight in me.

Torture 2 was the physio who arrived at 8.

The nurse came to us when he arrived and said to press the morphine pump so that it wouldn't be too bad once he started working with us.

So we did.

Then she removed the catheter - heaven! Hate those things. Except now we had to keep going to the loo all by ourselves.

Anyway, the physio started with my roommate who started screaming when he was working with her.

I'm a big baby anyway with pain so hearing those screams just terrified me.

The nurse then removed the morphine pump and said to me, "you've hardly had any". Um, yes. Apparently that was very unusual because usually patients pump that thing non-stop.

(I have the Secret Weapon though - God!)

When the physio eventually got to me, we did some bed exercises (not too bad), then he made me cough while holding my tummy (more painful but still bearable) and then I had to get up and walk out the ward, down the corridor and back again.

Again, not too bad except for me having to lug the pole with the drip along with me. They'd put the drip in on my wrist (exactly where your hand bends) and it was so sore. In fact, I'm writing this 2 weeks later and when I touch that spot, it's STILL sore.

The walk was slow but I was doing well. The worst part was the getting up and sitting down - the actual walk was...well...a walk in the park :)

He warned us that he would be returning at 4pm to do the same set of exercises all over again. Obviously the second time was easier.


Then... and this was the worst and final torture.

The nurse approaches me with a needle and says she's got to give me an injection to prevent the blood from clotting in my abdominal area.

I'm a bit slow (again, no food will do that to you) so I asked if she was going to stick me in my bum.

No, right in my abdomen.

Oh my word - I think I very nearly had a panic attack. Still, I couldn't fight her off so she gave me the injection which was SO MUCH WORSE than I expected and it burned so much. When she took the needle out, I lay in my bed, crying for about 5 minutes.

This time, my neighbour didn't even make a sound - clearly she was okay with the injection. She told me later that she'd already been through 3 rounds of IVF so she was used to the needle but did say that that nurse gave the worst injections she'd ever had.

D had brought my laptop, clothes and toiletries before he went to work so I was able to change from that horrible hospital gown. I could also check my Google Reader until the battery ran out (I didn't have the cord with me) but then it was back to reading and sleeping.

D visited again in the evening for about 45 mins.

And that was the end of the first day in the hospital - only 2 sleeps before I can go home!

Twins!

Oh my word - the most exciting thing EVER happened today.

My good friend C had her first complete IVF a month ago. When I was waiting to go into surgery, she tried to phone me so I knew she had the results of her pregnancy test. I couldn't take calls in that ward of 19 ladies (!) so I sent her a quick text message to say I'd call her in the evening.

Well, she was PREGNANT!!!! Huge excitement :)

Today she had her first scan and sent me a text that read, "it's twins".

I jumped on my phone immediately - I am SOOOOOO happy for her.

So when D got home I told him and he says, "can we have one?"

!

When I woke

The first person I saw when I woke was Anaethetist Dr G saying, "Dr G had to do a laparotomy instead of just the laparoscopy".

Remember I couldn't speak because they stick that tube down your throat but I do have a very expressive face so I must have started freaking out because he says, "don't worry; Dr G explained everything to your husband"

More of a freak out because I'm thinking, "What happened? Did they find cancer? Did they remove my womb? What???"

Then I got really sleepy again because I vaguely remember hearing a nurse say to me, "we're going to fetch your things and take you to the ward because you're staying till Friday"

Well, they wheeled me up two floors and at least I had a lovely spot in the corner with a beautiful view of a golf course. (You've got to look on the bright side!)

When I woke the 2nd time, D was there and I still couldn't speak AND they told me I couldn't have any water or anything but later, if Dr G approved, I could suck on some ice.

Woohoo! (that's me being sarcastic) I mean really now, what will ice do?

D couldn't give me all the technical details I demanded but apparently, they didn't remove anything they weren't supposed to. Something about my bowel and ovary.

Anaethetist Dr G then walked in with his credit card machine (still a huge source of amusement for us); D paid him and I found when I read the statement that I was operated on for 100 minutes. My word - that's a long time!

When Dr G came to check on me (and my room-mate) about an hour later, he said I could suck on some ice and he would check on me again the next day. By this time, it was early evening, about 7 or 8pm. I could only croak because my mouth was soooooo dry!

My ovary was attached to my bowel (I've had that before with my 2nd laparoscopy in 2004) and because they wanted to be sure to not nick it (as it's so delicate a procedure), they cut me open to fix it properly. Which is fine except I now had to stay til Friday (3 nights in a hospital bed).

The lady next to me had also had a laparotomy and was crying out continually because she was in LOTS of pain. Anaethetist Dr G gave both of us morphine drips - I was very concerned about overdosing but the good doc explained how it will only dispense a certain number of ml every 5 minutes no matter how much you press the button. Very good!

I was quite keen on this morphine drip because the last time I had an op (Nov 2007), I was in pain during the night and couldn't even reach the nurse's panic button. So I tried once with him there, it beeped to show it was working properly and i was set.

I sent D home shortly thereafter so I could sleep. Of course I had a catheter in (yuck) so I didn't have to bother myself with bathrooms and so on :)

Surgery no. 4

The surgery happened on Tuesday 8 July and I was meant to be at the clinic at 10:15 am so they told me to eat nothing after 12.

Of course that meant that my last meal was at 7:45 straight after gym, and I made pancakes after that which I had at 8:30. I continued drinking coffee and water until 11:55 :)

The next morning, I got up at a leisurely pace, showered and shaved (yes, down there) and dressed in a track suit (their "loose-fitting clothes). I was sure to take a bottle of water with me because already I was parched. I easily get through 2L of water a day besides tea and coffee so it's really hard to not have anything.

Grabbed my ID and all the doctors forms (their office faxed me 9 pages of stuff) and off we went. Got down there with about 5 minutes to spare and "checked in" very quickly, probably due to the 9 pages of stuff I'd completed and signed beforehand.

Then the receptionist says, "come with me, I'll take you through", pushes open a door leading from reception and I'm right in the ward! Freaky and very weird. No corridors or anything!

The nurse showed me my bed and then said to come with her so I could change into those "beautiful" hospital gowns. Of course, they're one size fits all and I'm quite small so even properly tied, the gown was falling off me and I had to hold it to protect my modesty :) since most of the ladies were accompanied by their husbands.

You leave all your stuff (hard for me; I like my things around me) in a locker and then traipse through the ward, barefoot and clutching the huge gown (oh wait - that was only me) and the locker key. I literally was allowed my book and my glasses. No watch (crazy for me - I look at it MANY times a day).

We'd intended for my husband to stay with me until they wheeled me away but they were taking so long (I think I remember asking the time when I was eventually fetched and it was about 1:30 - 1:40) so I told him to go to work. Of course by this time I was STARVING which in a way was good because I was no longer nervous, I just wanted this OVER so I could EAT!

Priorities!

In my defence, I eat ALL THE TIME (healthy, small meals) so by that time I would normally have had breakfast, a fruit, and lunch, and of course, about a litre of water and probably a cup or two of tea :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
an aside...

I love people watching. It was so interesting to watch all the ladies in the ward - some by themselves, some with kids, some whose husbands were working on their laptops. I got to see some women leave after their ops - the one lady put on her jeans straight away (I tried not to be envious but I failed!), the one walked out with her hubby, some woke up starving (that will be me, I thought)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So the anaethetist came to see me and he says, "I'm Dr G and I'll be taking care of you while Dr G's operating" He then explained EXACTLY what he was going to do (I love that - I'm such a control freak). The weird thing is this guy was walking around with his CREDIT CARD MACHINE - freaky - getting his payment from other ladies' husbands who were awake.

I told my husband, D, "if I die, you are NOT going to pay him a single cent" - always looking after the money :)

Anyway, so they fetched me and took me to surgery.

My doctor said when he saw me, "Hi. How are you feeling?"

I remember saying, "Nervous. Thanks for asking" to which he said, "oh, you'll be fine" and then the anaethetist said something like, "you'll feel a slight burn and then in about 30 seconds, you'll be out"

And I was!

This and that

So we checked on what our medical aid would pay for the laparoscopy and .... turns out only 32% is covered. The rest is for our own account.

Since this one is not too bad compared to the whole IVF thing, I don't feel so bad.

I keep telling myself it's okay to pay "expert prices" for health-related expenses.

So I waited for my period and booked my place in the operating queue. He only operates straight after your period because he wants to make sure you're not pregnant.

This was meant to be a laparoscopy but turned out to be a laparotomy (big Caesar cut) because of some complications.

Anyway, because of that, I told my work that I'd be off for about 5 - 6 days and now it's turned out to be 3 - 4 weeks. Good thing I have job issues at the moment because I honestly don't care when I go back :)

I always get really scared before an op but this time I didn't have the luxury of being scared because I had to give a talk to 50 women the day before so I was all focussed on the preparation and doing the actual talk, and couldn't stress :)

(The talk went wonderfully, thanks for asking).

I'll tell you what happened in the next post!

Lock up the knives

Today my cleaning lady says to me “where’s your baby?”

I thought my heart was going to stand still.

She was looking at pictures of my sister's child.

So I said, "Oh, that'’s my sister’s child".

Then she says “Marcia, why don’t you have babies? Don’t be late” at which point I stabbed her with the nearest knife.

No I didn’t – I just felt like it :)

I actually just ignored her because I was speechless!

It just starts to feel okay and then something like this happens.

My eyes are burning from all the crying

I found a link to this blog on Friday night and have spent HOURS reading each and every post since Angie started her blog in January.

This family is SOOO precious. Through all the tears, I've felt closer to my God than I have in months. Angie is a really good storyteller and you will love reading about her family.

Go read some more about Audrey and do keep the tissues handy...seriously!

cuteness

Two weeks ago I went for my usual appointment for a face peel.

As I was leaving, I walked along the corridor and saw a little girl of about 3/ 4 dancing in the doorway of (I think it was) the dentist's office.

She looked so happy and alive that I smiled at her and we said "hello".

Then she holds out a hand full of folded up paper and tells me to take one.

So I did.

And I thanked her.

She then says to me, if you hold it over your head, it'll make your hair curly.

(talking her own brand of nonsense as only little girls do :))

That little bit of encouragement and laughter made me think, I can't wait to have my own curly-haired little one, talking nonsense to me.

The verdict

Well, the verdict's in.

I have blocked tubes on both sides - that's probably why that HSG was so painful!

This doctor says that the sperm morphology is not a problem "we can work with what we have here".........em, okay :)

But the tubes have to be unblocked. Clearly they got that way since the last laparoscopy in 2004 because on my file notes then, everything is still clear.

So he wants to do yet ANOTHER laparoscopy and I'm due to have it done this month. However, they are contracted out of the medical aids which means you pay upfront and claim back later and then the medical aid company will only pay a portion back to you. These guys charge double what my other gynae charged (just in consultation fees) so I'm sure the surgery fees are going to be just as exorbitant.

I have delegated to my husband to check into it with the medical aid to find out how much they will actually pay before I go ahead and book anything.

So that's the latest state of affairs.

Goals

this year we decided to take some action and go see someone else to get a proper opinion of the situation once and for all.

after discussing with my friend, and also explaining the type of person I'm looking for (straightforward, open and to the point), my friend told me to go to her (expensive) clinic, even if just to get the initial consults.

so that's what I did.

I phoned around mid-Jan and only got an appointment on 20 Feb.

In preparation, we had to complete a 9-page document (!) and get any and all copies of our files at the gynae and the other place.

So we got there and immediately I liked the new guy, Dr G.

He went through the file in detail, asking questions here and there to clarify things.

Then he examined me with THE PROBE (disgusting and horrible) and a normal internal. I really HATE those things.

Immediately afterwards, we had to both go get blood tests and then I had to go back on day 2 and 3 of my next period for more blood tests.

DH had to get another sperm test and I had to have an HSG x-ray. I was naive in not googling it because it was SOOOO horrible and sore. On the bright side, maybe it was good I didn't google it because I probably would have been scared off.

When I asked my friend why she didn't tell me it was so horrible, she says hers wasn't bad. So I said, well then that probably means something ELSE is wrong!!! Oy!

Anyway, long story short means that the follow-up consult after the 4 blood tests, sperm test and HSG x-ray is this Thursday when we finally get THE VERDICT.

Booked off

The first week wasn't great because my movement was very limited, I was on painkillers, etc, etc.

But after that, for the rest of the 4-week recuperation period, it was brilliant.

I'd wake up late, have breakfast, get myself washed and dressed, do some work on the business, watch TV, etc.

I got 2 complete e-products done during that time off and got a good start on a third!

And then, the day my sick leave ended, my real holiday started (annual leave).

So I was off for 7 weeks all in all - lovely! Something I got used to very quickly :)

The operation

Well, the anaethetist and the doctors came by to check on all of us (3 of us to be operated on by my doctor) and the order of the ops was decided.

I was going to be last because mine was the longest op - they were estimating 3 - 5 hours!

My two previous laparoscopies were 3 hours each and this one was a bigger deal. They had to cut me open (like a Caesar cut), cut a portion of my uterus and then sew me back up.

Both the doctor/ surgeon and the anaethetist suggested that they just do a spinal block. I said, "no thanks, I want to be knocked out cold and feel nothing". Despite them trying to persuade me (who on earth knows why?!) otherwise, I kept to my story (I can be very stubborn) and had general anaesthetic.

I was only wheeled to surgery around 5pm (from 12:30 when I arrived) so I was starving and anxious. In fact, the 2nd lady had returned and had woken up from anaesthetic, we'd had a nice long chat and then only did they fetch me.

Everything went well and when I woke, I was soooo whoozy that I actually told my husband to just go home because i wanted to sleep.

Well, the hospital night staff were so noisy that I could hardly sleep and then at around 3am when it finally quieted down, I fell asleep only to have adjoining rooms ringing for the nurses continually.

So I was awake - I sent DH a text message assuming he was asleep, only to get a phone call back so I knew I'd woken him! Eeeeeeek!

Anyway, the next morning, when my doctors did their rounds nice and early (just before 6am), I begged to go home because I said I couldn't rest there because of the noisy nurses.

After they removed the catheter, if I managed to pee okay, that was test 1. And then when I'd had some tea, I didn't vomit. So that was test 2 and thankfully, I was discharged!

Yessss!

I was sore and moved like an old lady but discharged!

7 random things to end off 2007

Wanttobeamom tagged me for this meme. I haven't been tagged on this blog before so this is fun, fun, fun!

1. I love baking muffins – not cakes or anything else, just muffins. I also only bake drop cookies, not the ones you have to roll out and use the different shapes ;)

2. I am great at interviews – I have always been offered a job once I get to the interview stage.

3. One of my BIG goals is to work in another country for a year.

4. I don’t read infertility blogs very often because they depress me. Strange because I know that if I allowed myself to dwell on the 10% I’d sound exactly the same.

5. I love traveling to other countries but not for the usual reasons like seeing the sights and so on. I love talking to the people and seeing how they live. One of my favourite things to do is to talk to fellow tourists on guided tours. I remember once we went to Australia and because my husband’s not very friendly, we hadn’t been very sociable with people we met until the guided tour on Great Ocean Road outside Melbourne. Then I broke loose and had SUCH fun with people from Germany, Ireland, all over the place.

6. I love cleaning my toilet – I am very fussy with germs partly because I studied Microbiology so I know how quickly those suckers multiply.

7. I grew up in a city with a beach and I can’t swim!

I'm tagging Becky and Char

leading up to the big day

Once I got over the shock, I decided to get the op over and done with as soon as possible.

Why prolong the inevitable?

I'd already decided to have it done either the 16th or 23rd Nov, depending on work. My boss was "do what you need to do" so I went ahead and booked the 16th, planning to be back at work on 3rd Dec because the doctor said "definitely two weeks off work".

I phoned the doctor to book the 16th and so the countdown began.

It was really strange though because even though I'd had 3 surgeries before (wisdom teeth and the 2 laparoscopies), I was so scared that I was going to die. Don't know where that came from - honestly.

I didn't even tell my sister and mother that I was having the op! And at work, I told my boss and my colleague who is in the next cubicle, but nobody else.

Pretending that it wasn't happening, I suppose :)

So they told me to be at the hospital at 12:00 as he starts operating at 13:00. No food after 8:00.

I went into work for about 2 hours because I was interviewing people for a position we have vacant (I'm really good at interviewing so am always involved in recruitment of staff in our division).

Then raced home to shower and shave (!). We only left for the hospital at 12 so we were about 25 minutes late and of course, the first nurse I saw on the ward said, "are you Mrs F?"

Me: "Yes, I am, how did you know?"

"We've been waiting for you!" (oh my word)

Stay tuned for part 3

P.S. Merry Christmas!

that's not supposed to happen

I'm about 5 weeks behind on posting to this blog so best I get my act together before I forget everything!

we went away for a long weekend at the beginning of november and while away, I started getting a very familiar feeling of pain BUT at the wrong time.

The pain was my familiar period pain but only thing is, it was nowhere near my period. It could have been around ovulation but who knows because I have weird 21-25 day cycles.

I still had some Nurofen in my bag from my period so took all that and then had to get some more. That meant that something was up because I really only have pain at period time.

we got back on a sunday night and didn't even bother making an appointment on the Monday morning; I just went straight into the gynae and she could see me.

I figured that she needs to see what's going on while I'm in pain so that whatever it is shows up on the scan. Usually by the time you see them you're all better again, right?

Anyway, the long story short is that she asked me to come back in the afternoon to let her partner (husband) give a 2nd opinion and he said I'd have to have surgery.

*shock*

I've had two laparoscopies before (all in the pre-trying days amazingly enough) for endometriosis but this one would have to be an actual cut (Caesar cut), not the little snips like before.

He also said that it was not urgent; depends how much pain I felt I could stand and how quickly I wanted babies because I'm not going to be falling pregnant like that. Nice!

So off I went back home to think about things, plan dates around work and holidays, etc.

Stay tuned for part 2!

Touched

we had our end-of-year party at the infertility support group on 12 Nov.

It was so lovely to see everyone just relaxing for a change. My friend couldn't come with me but I went alone anyway (I was so proud of myself for driving all that way alone).

we decided to exchange gifts so we each brought a small gift to exchange. I got gift wrap, ribbon, gift tags and an advent calendar - just my idea of a perfect clutter-free gift :)

then the lady who hosts the monthly gathering announced that she and her co-host bought a piece of jewellery to be given to a different lady every time we met, so that we'd know that we have people who understand our situation and that support us in our journey. isn't that sweet?

But wait! (I sound like an infomercial :)) then she says the first recipient of this beautiful silver heart pendant is ME! Because she's been inspired by my calmness and peace and faith in God through this whole crazy ride.

And wow - I could NOT believe it. We really don't know what people are thinking of us and our testimony.

One thing I have said to my hubby from the beginning (after I started accepting things) is that one day when this dreadful journey is over, I'm writing a Christian book on infertility. So I can let people know they're not alone (even though it feels like the whole world has babies without even trying :)) and use what I'm going through for good!

But can you believe it - me!

Another one of those!

A girl here at work is pregnant. Three months.

Lovely person - only 25/26 - her second. Her first-born is the MOST GORGEOUS CHILD ever. He is ultra-friendly and loves hugging everybody.

I asked her if they were trying (because we are friendly with one another) and she said yes.

"The first month nothing happened and then the second month I was pregnant"

Oh the joys!

It sucks. It really does. I'm happy for them but it freaks me out that mostly everybody can get pregnant at the drop of a hat!

Thank you

Thank you for all the wonderful comments on my post the other day!

I literally sat with my mouth wide open, amazed at the kindness and thoughtfulness of you bloggers!


I've made a list of all the great book suggestions too and can't wait to start reading.

BTW, support group tonight again :)

WFMW - pregnant questions

It's backwards day over at Shannon's place and today, I get to ask you some questions!!!

We have been diagnosed with infertility.

Please give me some good answers to the perpetual so when are you two starting a family? question.

I'm not a sarcastic person but I would like a clear, assertive response! :)

Support group 2 - Sept

When I was checking to see if the previous post looked okay, I realised that I didn't tell you about the second one.

Well, it was on 3 September already! *shock*

We were a smaller group than last time and because I knew most of those people from last time, I was a lot more comfortable.

Even when I got the questions!

Because the fact is, we're believing God to heal us and having sex. That's it!

For most people, this means we're doing nothing. But I've gotten okay with that. I have realised that every situation is different and so is every couple. And I just don't feel okay with IVF right now. I don't disagree with it; I just don't think it's for us. I don't know if it ever will be.

And this time, there was a lady who was similar to me. She said she knew she could never go through with IVF and just decided to forget about the whole baby thing (due to personal reasons - someone close to her got very sick). Four years later, she was pregnant and now has a gorgeous son.

So I felt like I wasn't that weird.

The other day I read on Boho's blog about how she found the medical experience after her laparoscopy for endometriosis so cold. And so one-sided in that they almost force you to just go for heavy-duty IVF while you're still reeling from the shock of the whole thing.

Of course, I relate so well.

She got lots of support in the comments and fortunately, she's very strong so I know she'll stand up for what she believes is right for her body and family.

Next group will be first week in October and I've told my friend I'll go again.

Um, remember me?

I've been so pathetic at posting to this blog, it's unreal!

I've thought of closing and deleting this blog so many times but something keeps me leaving it open.

You see, I'm venturing out of the closet very slowly and I must say, it's FREEING! Yes, there are lots of questions but the people who are comfortable talking to me talk and the others kind of mumble a platitude and leave it at that. Which suits me just fine!

The only thing is I don't know how to handle the questions.

So where are you guys with treatment? Um, nowhere

Well, what are you doing? Nothing

Then there's the confused look to which I give a sweet smile that says, that's enough for now :-)

Support group

I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote on this blog - shocking!

I went to my first support group nearly 3 weeks ago. I went with my friend and altogether there were about 14 of us there - some 3 with secondary infertility and the rest battling to have just one.

It was a very interesting evening!

On the one hand it was really good to know that we are all in the same boat. I know the stats, 1 in 6 couples battle to have a baby, but the thing is, I don't know where these 1's are all hanging out! And whether they have unexplained infertility, male factor, female factor or both.

So hearing all the ladies' stories was very good. Every condition under the sun was represented there.

On the other hand, it was very draining to hear all the stories. I function well about 95% of the time and try to live as full a life aside from this as possible. So to hear all of this for 3 hours straight is a bit much for me. We were crying and laughing together. It was just very emotional.

But here's the thing I want to write about:

I noticed as the ladies were sharing that there was a common thread - control! We all exhibited some serious control freak tendencies and I kept thinking, "surely I'm not that bad". It was the strangest thing - I could see how some of them were battling and yet I kept thinking, "I am nowhere near as bad as all of these guys."

Or maybe that's my problem - I'm just avoiding the topic and these ladies are actually doing something about their infertility. I don't know. I'm still not sure that I'll go back but I'll let you know.

Blog kindness
Someone on an infertility blog got pregnant and she offered up her books to anyone who wanted them. So I commented and she sent them to me. Two gorgeous thick books and some chocolate (for the PMS) which I am sharing with my friend. I am so touched at this lady's kindness - she doesn't know me from a bar of soap and she refused to let me pay for the postage!

BTW, my friend has resigned from work so that she can de-stress and focus on getting pregnant!

Oh my word

Thanks so much for your comment the other day.

I phoned my gynae to check how I'm supposed to take the progesterone and she says from day 14 to 28 each cycle. I've just been taking them all along so I stopped immediately!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, my sister has asked me to be her son's godmother. I'm not into all this traditional stuff but I know it's a big thing for her so I graciously accepted :)

Sister: A and I would like you to be K's godmother

Me: What does that mean? I have to look after him if you die?

Sister: Leigh!

LOL - at least I can still laugh. Right?!

Normal again!

So the entire period lasted 5 days instead of 11 days.

Pain? Only took 6 Nurofen instead of my usual 16 - 18! Huge, huge victory.

The progesterone is clearly working.


Does anybody know if you're supposed to take the progesterone every single day of your cycle or just on days 14 - 28?

I will phone the gynae but just thought I'd ask. I thought it was every single day but don't know why I'm now doubting!

For the first time in a year

I am having a normal period!


The progesterone has probably worked because I am on track. I had a 29-day cycle - haven't had anything beyond 21 days for a year, and before that, it was 25-26 days max.


And the period started immediately (not a week of nothingness like before).

So things are looking up :-)

Baby stuff

I read this gorgeous post on babies that I wanted to share with you and I asked the lady to please pray that this is my experience too.

And then... there's an interesting discussion going on at Tertia's blog. Be sure to read comments - that's where it all starts.

What do you think?

Friday's feast - 22 June 2007

Appetizer
Name a funny habit you have.
Only one??? When I arrive home from work, I immediately go to the bathroom to wash my hands.

When I get into bed at night, I take off my rings and put on handcream. Then I read the Bible and my other book and before putting out the lights, put on some more hand cream.

You want more? Keep reading the blog :-)

Soup
If you could instantly know how to play a musical instrument, which one would you pick?
Drums. Without a doubt. It just looks soooo cool!

Salad
How long is your hair?
Shoulder length. You know about a bad hair day? I’ve actually had a bad number of hair years. Used to keep my hair longer but it just looks disgusting.

Main Course
When was the last time you forgave someone, and who was it?

1. Every day I choose to forgive in many little ways.
2. I forgive the guy who cuts in front of me in the traffic, forcing me to slam on my brakes and nearly get rear-ended.
3. I forgive the people who send me rude emails about my business.
4. And I can go on and on…
   

Dessert
What is your favorite kitchen appliance?
My scale. I’m on a weight-loss journey (yes, still am) and it keeps me more or less on track. I’m not good at judging portion size so I prefer to weigh everything.

After the scale, my water filter and then my kettle for endless cups of tea and coffee

Friday's feast - 15 June 2007

Appetizer
Fill in the blank: The best thing about where I live is _________________…
The best thing about where I live (place) are the cold, dry winters and (house) lots of space. I crave space and freedom to just be. Of course, we did buy this house (3 bedrooms) so that one of these rooms could be the baby's. I'm not giving up hope though.

Soup
Create a new name for a deodorant== (like “Flower Fresh” or “Shower Scent”).
I am definitely not the creative type so I'd call it something like shower fresh or powder fresh.

Salad
What was the last piece of software you installed onto your computer?
Some freeware to try designing buttons and so forth. Could also be the reason the computer slowed up so much and is now at the shop where they're checking for viruses.

Main Course
If you were to receive a superlative award today beginning with the words ”Most likely to…”, what would the rest of the phrase say?
Depends who you ask. At work, I'm the most likely to do all the human stuff. Organise the birthdays, celebrations, make muffins for the team (only 7 of us - don't know how I'd feel about it if we were a bigger dept), take photos, stay in touch with past team members, and so on. The HR aspect, you know.

Everyone else would say ....be organised ;)

Dessert
What two colors do you like to wear together?
Well, it's winter now so I like orange and brown, or green and brown. In summer, I like greens and cream (cool colours for these hot summers)

Now, good night everyone. It's 10.40 pm and I'm ready to get to bed with my book :-)

Update on the weird cycles

Remember the weird cycles?

I phoned for my blood results and everything was normal - thank God for that.

So now I'm on the progesterone. So far so good. This is only day 5 and she warned me that I could have swollen breasts and uterine area - so far nothing much. Apparently I must reduce my salt intake as that will help with the swelling.

********************************

My work colleague (previously UPO) came in yesterday after her 6-week check-up since the baby's been born. She looks fabulous - all glossy hair and glowing skin. And the best? She is sooo happy with her baby. A bit sad for me but I'm more happy for her.

********************************

My sister's also doing well. She's very quiet so not the type to say I LOVE THIS SO MUCH or anything like that. Just everything's fine, no problems, etc. Boring, I know. But I'm the one who talks in exclamation marks!!!

********************************

I found an infertility support group through a blog I read and emailed the ladies for more details. Next meeting is 26 June. I can't go because I double-booked myself for some church work on the same night and I just don't cancel things like that. But I'm not sure if I want to go - when I read the forums sometimes, it brings me down and I like to try and stay positive, you know?

So we'll see. I have asked my friend (also babyless at the mo) if she wants to come, so we'll take it as it comes...

but enough about me - how are you doing today?

My blogging story

I see there's something cool going around the blogosphere so I'm a day late but who's counting. Chilihead (?) is hosting this blogging carnival where you tell your blog story.

How did you start blogging?
I'd already been blogging on a business blog and I felt like I wanted a place to be private about infertility and other work stuff. I mean, we all know the Dooce story, right?!

So off I went to blogger and made another blog.

Did you intend to be a blog w/a big following?
Ha ha ha

Now that I've picked myself up off the floor :), this blog has always been a private place for me. A place to get out the thousand and one thoughts flying around my head about infertility and if I'm cursed to not have a child...

There are about 3 people that visit here and of course, it would be nice to be in a bigger community but that was never the focus of this blog. On the others, yes.

I do want to start reaching out more but I'm sort-of stuck in the middle because we know we've had the infertility diagnosis but we haven't gone the expensive, medical route yet. I think that's why I keep reading Boho - she's probably the only person I know online who is also not pursuing IVF. And I'm saying yet - I don't know what next month or the month after that will hold. This is a step-by-step thing.

If so, how did you go about it?
See above.

What do you hope to achieve or accomplish with your blog? Have you been successful? If not, do you have a plan to achieve those goals?
My goal was to have a private place to vent and get cheap therapy. That has worked.

Now, my goal is to reach out more to other people. The best plan I think is to start participating in memes and reading more infertile blogs.

Has the focus of your blog changed since you started blogging? How?
No, not really.

What do you know now that you wish you'd known when you started?
That people can be amazingly supportive and on the flip side, that people can be really hurtful (not to me - I'm just saying)

Do you make money with your blog?
Um, no. Totally not interested.

Does your immediate or extended family know about your blog? If so, do they read it? If not, why?
No, I tell no-one about this blog. I know that some people who read the other blog know/ guess about this one but I have not told anyone.

What two pieces of advice would you give to a new blogger?

1. Know why you want to blog so that you're not distracted by the information overload in the blogosphere. I get the feeling that lots of bloggers try to "copy" others and that does not work. You have to remain true to your own voice and your own style.
2. Don't get obsessed by the stats, comments, etc. Keep your life in balance. At the end of the day, your real relationships are what matter.

Friday's Feast #9 - 1 June 2007

Appetizer
Name something you think is “the best.”
Reading, sleeping, drinking coffee, babies, blogging, etc...



Soup
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 highest), how stressed are you today?
2 - last night was a different story (see previous post) but now it's nothing major


Salad
What kind of cleanser do you use to wash your face?
A liquid facewash that removes oil! I have an combination-oily skin so it's oil-free everything. But I've been told that oily skin is better than dry skin because it doesn't wrinkle as easily. Knew there had to be a benefit somewhere :-)


Main Course
Tonight is a blue moon! What is something that you believe only happens “once in a blue moon.”
I used to think love. But now I think you can definitely find love again and again.



Dessert
When was the last time it rained where you live?
I honestly don't know. Probably a few weeks ago.

MS, not PMS

Business has really been stressing me out lately.

I sent out a reminder email on Monday - an offer I'd just launched with a special to my subscriber base - had only a few more days before it expired. Well, I got 3 "unsubscribes" in the next 24 hours!

So I was quite depressed, thinking what is the point of this business and other thoughts along those lines. And I got absolutely no sales whatsoever.

Now do you know how hard I work to get people on the mailing list? I have to think of new things constantly so it's sad when I get unsubscribes.

I know that when I'm premenstrual everything seems out of proportion. I'm actually menstrual (I know, TMI!) so does that excuse still count?

So yesterday I sent the monthly newsletter and more unsubscribes. My word - what am I doing wrong?? I actually worked so hard on the newsletter and it was barely sent when a couple of emails came in unsubscribing so I just put my head on this desk and cried!

It's so sad.

However, today I took a chance and just sent an email with one of my e-courses to about 10 people who are not on my list but I know are kind-of interested and one lady sent me an email back saying, yes, she wants to buy, how does she go about it?

And I have an organising client tomorrow.

A small sliver of encouragement in a horrible week business-wise.

Discerning thieves?

Someone stole my apple and orange off my desk last night.

I am very cross because I specifically didn’t bring fruit today, knowing that I’d left yesterday’s fruit here. However, my vitamins lying right next to it are still there.

I think I'd have more respect if they took everything. Grrr.

Update

I've been a bit quiet but everything is still fine, well even.

baby news
my sister's baby boy was born yesterday. both mom and baby are doing very well. i'm so happy for her. she is a little sore from the caesar but everything else is fine.

no, i'm not jealous. really.

weird cycles
i've been having weird cycles the last two months. in the past i used to have 5-day cycles with day 1 quite light and then days 2 and 3 very heavy and painful, days 4 & 5 easing off to ...nothing!

the weird cycles go like this - i start bleeding (like the old day 1) for 5 - 7 days, then I have heavy, painful days for another 2 - 3 days, and then the easing off. as a result, it's been 10/11 days, and then a break of only 21 days and then it all starts again!

gynae
so I went to the gynae this week and she said that it sounds like I may not have enough progesterone. sent me for blood tests and prescribed a course of progesterone which i'm to start on day 14 of the next cycle.

can you believe i forgot to phone them for the results??? i can't either. so i will phone them on monday!

business
business is picking up slowly - had two requests for coaching this week. although i had to cancel a workshop i was going to do due to no interest. had 3 phone calls for the forms and bank details but no actual bookings.

weird thing is i have lots of requests to do joint ventures with other solo-preneurs (love this word) and they seem to generate lots of pr but no clients out of that. strange and very annoying.

blogging
read a beautiful poem posted by bohemian girl a day or two ago which so echoed what i feel.

i am blogging regularly on the other public blogs which is taking up all my time so i seem to be neglecting this one.

i have thought of just deleting this whole blog but something keeps holding me back. i think it's because i like the anonymity of this one.

will post the blood test results on monday.

Friday's feast #8 - 18 May 2007

Appetizer
List 3 emotions you experienced this week.
Gratitude - I got a coaching client and a request for more info
Excitement - I saw another job I applied for. It's a virtual position so that could be interesting.
Happiness - finished another e-course this week and I had a 98% open rate on my last HTML newsletter. Apparently this is very good?

Soup
Name a car you’d love to have.
I'm not like that with cars. I buy what I want at the time and when I'm ready for another, I'll buy another one. But! I don't buy expensive cars because cars are not assets.

Salad
Describe your typical morning routine.
I have it down to like 20 minutes because I do everything possible at night. I am not a morning person. And that is an understatement.

Wake up, stumble to bathroom with eyes half shut, wash, weigh (!), get dressed. Then I grab my lunch from the fridge, set the alarm, grab my handbag and I'm outta there.

You can see why I do everything possible at night!


Main Course
Have you ever emailed someone famous?
If so, who, and what did you say to them? Did they reply?
You mean famous bloggers? That's about as famous as it gets with me. The nicer ones did ;)

Dessert
Do you listen to podcasts? If so, which ones?
Yes, I do - not regularly, but when the topic interests me.
I listen to www.escapefromcubiclenation.com

Speaking of work...

I realised the other day that my business is really not doing all that well.

Somebody who reads the blog (the business blog) emailed me and asked me to give her some tips on starting her business. So we were e-chatting and I told her that mine is very part-time at this point. And if I were to go full-time it wouldn't even pay 10% of my current salary.

So then I got to thinking - oh my word. I'm spending hours on the business every week. Now don't get me wrong - I love what I do - but I wonder if it should just stay a hobby and I should carry on in the corporate world forever.

I'm hoping that it's just a transition and that things will pick up. I bought an online success book and am working through all the steps. My numbers on my list are growing but I can't say the clients are really growing. So because I don't have many clients, I design products, write articles. If you look at the stuff I have out, it looks like everything is going well and sometimes I feel like a fake.

Oh well, I'll let you know how it turns out.

Friday's feast #7 - 11 May 2007

Appetizer
Tell about a time when you had to be brave.
Whenever I have to do something outside of my comfort zone. Now I don’t mind confrontation (in fact, I quite like getting things sorted out) so people stuff like that don’t bother me.

I suppose it’s when I have to do something that may potentially embarrass me.

Somebody’s asked me to put together a product with them and we need to do some audio for that. So I suppose if I accept I will have to be brave. We are in different countries so I wonder if her people will understand my accent!

Soup
Which upcoming movie are you excited about seeing?
The next romantic comedy to be released. I haven’t really looked at the papers for awhile…

Salad
Name an item you try to always have on hand.
Me personally? Water and an apple. I always have these with me. And it’s a Granny Smith apple – sour, crisp and deliciously crunchy.

And a notebook and pen.

Main Course
Imagine the most relaxing room you can think of. Now describe it!
There is a soothing pastel colour on the walls, like mint-green, pastel blue or pastel yellow. Or a nice shade of brown. Definitely wooden floors and lots of space. Comfy chairs with throws and reading lamps where I can just sit and read…….

Dessert
On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being highest), how spiritual or religious are you?
I would say it fluctuates between 7 and 8. I’m born-again, but not religious. Does that make sense? It’s about a relationship with Jesus, not doing rituals just for tradition’s sake.
I always have to work at the Bible reading and prayer but worship and listening to God come quite easily to me.

Go here for more feasts

The job - part 2

Here is part 1

Anyway so with this interview I was my usual self and they were very controlled with their responses. I could tell the one guy liked me straight away but couldn’t tell with the other two. I mean they asked why I wanted the position and I said… I don’t know that I do. I’m very happy where I am – my current position suits my personality (and explained). I had a real “whatever” attitude and it wasn’t fake – I really didn’t give a toss. I also realized that this is not the type of work I want to do (more product development and I’m good at relationship & operational stuff). And of course, I hate the traffic so the commute wasn’t calling my name. But I wanted to take it through to the end to see what kind of package they would offer me.

They were supposed to only notify me on the Tuesday afternoon earliest BUT I’d only been back at the office for an hour when I got a phone call that I’d been shortlisted again. Oh no! They wanted me back the next Wed; I said I couldn’t do it until the following Tuesday. I mean – can you believe the chutzpah? (My husband says people like me make him sick – normal people have to look for ages for decent jobs and these things just fall into my lap. Well, not really but I know what he means).

But then God started dealing with me. I felt HUGE unease and I’m not the best Christian under the sun with regular praying and so forth but I do know when the peace of God leaves me. And it left me – BIG TIME. E.g. I don’t EVER have trouble sleeping. And I mean EVER. But suddenly I was tossing and turning at night, mind racing, etc. Stuff that just doesn’t happen to me. And the pit in my stomach – not nice at all.

So I had a nice chat with my DH and he agreed that I shouldn’t go ahead. Because I know once they start waving mega bucks in front of my greedy little eyes, I’ll start dreaming about IVFs, handbags, holidays and so forth. And then I wouldn’t be able to make a proper decision.

I wrote one of my nice emails to them withdrawing my application (this is not the right time in my life), thank you and sorry for inconvenience. And then I spoke to the HR guy who was very disappointed. But I told myself, “do not justify anything” so I bit my tongue and shut up until we ended the call.

So that’s my job story. The peace is amazing and I slept like a baby afterwards!